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panic attacks.. crying for hours, not sleeping

3 REPLIES 3
jane888
Member

Re: panic attacks.. crying for hours, not sleeping

Thankyou. And yes i think we have chatted.. I have brain farts from the tamoxifen and my memory suck, my thought process is all over the place so i apologise for my ranks. I've got this far by always looking at others and seeing that i really haven't had it tough compared to alot of people. I was iagnosed when my tumour was small and contained. According to my surgeon it was supposed to be a quick 6 months of surgery treatment and healing and this would all be just a little hiccup in the road. If i had have had a mastectomy back then because of the cancer i could deal with that. But having to have it now because of an infection due to my surgeon pushing me thru to radiation instead of letting me heal. I am told that radiation had have been pushed back a few weeks, the seroma would have absorbed into my breast, breast tissue would have filled the whole where the tumor was and happy days. But because of not having that extra time, radiation killed all the good and bad beast cells and left the whole. i was in and out of hospital 3 times with the first 10 days of surgery because of leakage from suture sites in both my breast and underarm. He knew then i needed more time but he just wanted to kick me to the kurb and push me thru that way he didn;t have to deal with me anymore.. I know i can't keep thinking, what if but far out.. we are just pieces of meat to these surgeons that have god like attitudes and don't listen. If the new doc says yes to mastectomy, it will be a double because i cannot go thru this again,mentally it has drained me. And no reconstruction.. it's added surgery that i don't want to put myself or my family thru.. they've been thru enough. My baby girl (11) came to my hysterically, she told me she thought she had breast cancer beause she had a rash on her nipple and scratched it.. it turned into a weeping sore so she googled it for 2 weeks before coming to me.. she didn't want to worry me... That broke me. completely shattered my heart

ann-m
Community Champion

Re: panic attacks.. crying for hours, not sleeping

Just sending hugs, Jane & so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m not surprised you are feeling angry about it all.
With the complications you’ve had, it’s hardly surprising that the prospect of a mastectomy after having gone through all of this, has hit so hard & unleashed all of these feelings.
Apologies for now stating the obvious, but is there some
form of counselling support you can access to help process all of this?
You are not alone with it all, so do come & vent whenever you need to.
ann x
Sue C
Community Champion

Re: panic attacks.. crying for hours, not sleeping

Hi Jane
So sorry to read that you're having such a tough time. I think we've chatted before...... Just wanted to send a massive hug from the other side of the world xxx
We all know exactly how you feel. This whole bc thing is s****! To have to lose a breast is awful after every thing you've been through. I'm so sorry.
Lots of hugs
Sue xxx
jane888
Member

panic attacks.. crying for hours, not sleeping

i was diagnosed back on 17th march 17.. almost a year ago. I had grade 2 IDC in my left breast. It took 2 months for my diagnosis to come thru ( i descovered a lump on Jan 20 - the lump turned out to be nothing but they found the real tumor 2 cm's to the right).Hubby and i decided that if i had to have a mastectomy, we where zen with that. we've been married 25 yrs. we have 2 amazing kids 11yrs and 17yrs. So it would be no big deal to have a bilateral mastectomy (or that's what i was telling everyone on the outside -inside i was broken) 

Then it became a whirlwind. I was booked for surgery within 10 days. Lumpectomy and Sentinal node biopsy was done, they took 3 because they were walnut size, tuned out to be clear, In and out of hospital for the next 3 weeks. Node scar opened, i had a void of 6cm deep where the nodes where take. 6 x 3 1/2cm seroma under arm. smaller seroma in breast. Was lucky enough not to have chemo. Had 4 targeted radiations treatments.. was supposed to have a further15 but they called and said it wasn't enough because i was big busted. They wanted to add an extra 10 but we decided that we would increase the dose of rads and keep the remaining 15. Got thru that. Almost 12 months on, i have had 4 internal infections in my breast. Been hospitalised and drainage. My surgeon says at this point i have no other opinion except a mastectomy.. I am devastated. I can't handle the thought of losing my breast because of an infection - becasue i wasn't given enough time to recover from surgery and seroma's before rads started. I have a 2nd opinion with a new surgeon in 3 days and i am terrified. Panic attacks are thick and fast, i try to sleep and i just lay there and sob.. not wanting to let my hubby know how i am feeling but also knowing he is laying there wide awake. either of us knowing the "right" way to cope. I am scared and angry all the time