panic stricken and upset

I went to the doctor yesterday because I have a large lump in my left breast. I wasn’t unduly worried as twice before I’ve had lumps which have been cysts but unfortunately the doctor has pointed out that my nipple is distorted and she doesn’t think this is a cyst.

I was very upset yesterday because I’ve had this for a couple of months but done nothing because I thought it was a cyst and the next two weeks until I get the tests (December 30) are going to seem very long. My husband is being marvellous about it but I feel very alone and I am desperate not to let anything slip out to my son and daughter-in-law because I don’t want to ruin their Christmas as well as ours.

Unfortunately I am panic stricken and not least because I have been taking HRT for a number of years (Climen) because my hair was falling out due to excess androgens and I am very worried this might have caused the problem.

I feel a bit better after contacting our solicitor to try to get our wills made up to date but if anyone has ideas about how to cope in the next two weeks I’d love to hear from them. I’m on holiday and on my own in the house just sitting here and being upset and worrying.

Although I know that most lumps are benign I do know that the symptoms I have are a pointer to a more serious problem and I can’t stop thinking about it and worrying how much worse it will be getting before I get the appointment.
Thanks.

Hi Kitcat

I’m sorry to read that you are having a pretty tough time at the moment. I’m sure the users of this site will be along to support you soon.

In the meantime maybe you would like to talk to a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 600 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 9.00 to 2.00.

Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator

HI Kitkat,

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself on this forum. Whatever happens you’ll find lots of wonderful women on here who’ll support and advise you. I think we’ve all found this place has saved our sanity on many occasions.

You’re at the worst stage now, because you don’t know what’s going on. Everyone will tell you that waiting for results sucks. It’s really scary and you think the worst. As you say, most lumps turn out to be benign and I hope that yours does.

If it doesn’t then you’ll be given a treatment plan more or less immediately and believe it or not, you’ll find that you feel better. Not immediately! Shock and tears are totally normal, but you at least know what the plan is and you can start to inform yourself and get ready for what’s to come. The main thing to keep in mind that it’s not as bad as it first seems to be. It’s all doable and you’ll be able to get through it. The other thing to bear in mind is that this is not your fault. I too had a lump for a very long time before I was diagnosed and although I eat fairly healthily and don’t smoke I probably do drink too much and this may have contributed to it…but who knows? If you look on this forum you’ll find lots of women who have done all the right things, eat well, don’t drink, don’t smoke, aren’t on HRT and have no family history of cancer - and they still get breast cancer.

I was diagnosed five weeks before I got married and kept it from everyone other than a handful of people. Even my parents didn’t know until after the wedding. Like you I didn’t want to ruin what was supposed to be a happy occasion. What I really didn’t want was lots of people coming up to me with their head on one side and asking if I was alright… And we got through it and actually had a wonderful day.

The treatment now is so good, and so many women survive this, and at least you’ve caught it now and can begin to get rid of it. It’s normal to be devastated, to cry and to wonder how on earth you’re going to deal with what’s to come. But you will do it and you’ll find reserves of strength you didn’t know you had.

I wish you the very best and hope very much that you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Much love

ALison

Thanks so much Alison, your reply means a lot to me, I am trying to stay calm and not get upset. Also thanks to Sam, I phoned the helpline yesterday morning and had a very helpful half hour chat which really did help.

I was rather disappointed with the response I got at work. I’m on holiday this week and filled our overall boss in by email with the fact I had these tests next week and I asked him to tell the department head but I didn’t get a very sympathetic response from the dept head. He just emailed to say said he’d been told the news, hoped it would work out for me and he would see me next week.

I am going back to work before I have the tests but I’m feeling extreme stress at the moment to the extent that I don’t know whether I will be able to cope.

I’m also trying to cut down on my HRT but again I’m not sure if I should even be thinking of that when I have so much else to deal with. Maybe I should wait until I’ve had the tests.
Kitty

Hi kitkat,

How are you? How was your Christmas? Did you manage to enjoy it at all?

Don’t worry about your boss, what I’ve come to realise is that although we all know that people deal with these things in their own way, a lot of the response you get is an attempt to normalise your illness, they want it to ne ok for you and so try to act as if it’s not s big deal. Of course it IS a big deal but some people can’t really cope with it and it’s not from a lack of concern, almost the opposite really.

When you’ve got the results you’ll feel a lot better, no matter what the results weirdly! You could write a list of things you’d like to know about, like the Hrt , and don’t be afraid to ask anything you like, that’s what they’re there for.

Much love

Alison

Thanks so much for your post Alison, unfortunately I am in a terrible state, panic stricken and so stressed I can hardly function. I have to work tomorrow too.

I got through Christmas, that’s all I can say about it, although it was a real struggle to keep it from my children who came to visit. My husband and I have decided we won’t say anything until after I have been to hospital on Friday.

I have had two previous lumps checked out and have never felt this level of distress, stress and terror and I know it is because I can see this time the lump is different and also because of the doctor’s comments. I wish she hadn’t said anything, she has made the situation ten times worse.

If you have any ideas how to cope with this extreme stress I’d love to know. I am self medicating with Kalms, St John’s Wort, Tisserand aromatherapy and Bach rescue remedy. Unfortunately, none of them are working.

I’m now so terrified that I’m not even sure I’ll be able to go to hospital on Friday, and neither do I think I can face treatment.

Sorry to be such a wimp, tonight has been the worst time so far, I am panic stricken.
Kitcat
xxx

Hi kitkat,

I’m new to this forum, but I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I’m thinking of you. Waiting can be absolutely brutal. Keep a list of everything you’ve been thinking. Writing your thoughts down can keep them from taking over your brain.

Hi Kitcat

I know that you have already called the helpline and found it helpful but please do feel free to give them another call if you need some additional support whilst you are waiting for your results. The lines will be open again tomorrow from 9 to 5pm and every day until Saturday and the number is 0808 800 6000.

Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator

Hi Kitkat,

I really feel for you it is a terrible time and the fear of the unknown is so scary. When you go on Fri you will know exactly what you are dealing with and the news still maybe good, so take care and lots of hugs to you, keep posting xx

Hi Kitkat,

I empathise with you! it is terrible this waiting time in the waiting room as we call it on these threads,
I am sure you know your own body when things are different i also knew, which i was able to prepare myself for, i hope you will be ok,
as all lumps arnt BC there is so many things that can go wrong with our breast.

It is hard keeping oneself together, i told family when i was sure of a result, albeit hard upsetting them all before xmas, i am glad of their support at this time.

You will get through it like all us ladies that post on these forums
we all support each other which you will also find very comforting
as we are all on same road together, at different stages of our path

Anxiety is the worse part of any meds, op, we are all different the not knowing waiting 3 weeks for results after every procedure is a nightmare, mine started in august in which time i have had a lot done yep still waiting for med plan in new year.

What i bought to help with anxiety is a CD called MINDLESS, bought it on amazon, for relaxing meditation i found it helped hope it will do same for you the guy on tape who talk you through cd is comforting.
The one i bought is audio as i can watch colours on screen
while listening to audio book.

KK good luck for Friday i am thinking of you keep posting on here to let me know how you are getting on as we fight together sharing our feelings good or bad helping each other through anxious moments.

Take care Pat xx

Kitkat

YOU ARE NOT A WIMP. Everyone on here knows the intense terror and we feel for you.

Leave off the herbal remedies. If perhaps you did have a bc dx, they can cause terrible problems with aneasthetics and treatments.

Hi Kitkat,
so sorry you are having all this anxiety just now. As Choccie (aka CM) says, you are NOT a wimp, so repeat that after me ten times “I AM NOT A WIMP”.

Elttiks is right about herbals, but what to suggest instead… calming music, meditation, camomile tea (different kind of herbal!), long walks, even longer soaks in the tub… If you are really struggling, ask you GP or onc for help when you see them - I had a week’s sleeping pills (low dose) right at the start which meant I got some sleep. After that I was much better.

You will get through this, just be very gentle with yourself.

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the trouble to reply, your support is so valuable to me and has helped me to get things in perspective.

I’ve been at work this morning and found it a real help. My colleagues know what’s going on and have been really supportive, I think maybe I need to keep busy, I find the evenings very hard going at the moment, too many empty hours to fill.

Also I didn’t know about herbal remedies affecting anaesthetics so that’s good advice too. If I get bad news on Friday I’ll have to ask them to prescribe me something to help with the anxiety. I’ve found lavender oil on the pillow has helped me to get to sleep and I had a better night’s sleep last night than the one before.

Once again, I’m so grateful and also thinking of everyone who is undergoing their own really tough time but who has taken the trouble to make such good suggestions.
Kitcat
x

Kitcat,
You have every right to feel the way you do. As others have said, when you know what youre dealing with you will feel more in control.Just for now, try not to let your thoughts run away with you, because thoughts arent reality, and they can lead you a merry dance. Dont feel bad about not letting people know until you know whats going on, thats what I did. I took HRT for seven years before I was diagnosed, but had come off it a year before that. Well never know whether that contributed, but in my case I suspect my “little problem” had been there for a long time!
In the meantime, before you get your results I recommend a glass of wine or two to help you sleep. Nothing you do or dont do now is really going to affect the outcome.
Youve done well to go back to work when feeling so worried. Youve obviously got lots of inner resilience. Good luck for the results. Sorry its this time of year. I went through it all this time three years ago, and nobody wants this hanging over Christmas.
Keep us posted about what happens,
Big hug,
Love,
Mimsy

Hi Kicat
It’s a dreadful time you’re going through at the moment. It’s the worst possible time. Your head is all over the place…thinking all sorts of negative outcomes. And Christmas doesn’t help.

It’s also hard when you receive the ‘bad’ news (if you do) but then you just ‘get on with it’! Not looking forward but taking each day as it comes.

Three years ago I was just finishing chemo. It was my daughter’s wedding and I thought that I wouldn’t be here much longer.

Here I am over three years later, feeling great.

Even if you get the worst news, although it’s scary, it’s not the end of the world.

Words of wisdom - don’t scare yourself silly googling, take a day at a time and just enjoy life when you can.

Like you, I loved my job, and returned to it whenever I could. It kept me sane. Through Chemo I still went to work but on reduced hours. I was lucky and went in when I felt fit. It worked out that as my chemo went on I hit a ‘brick wall’ about 1pm and had to go home to nap and they understood.

When I was waiting for my results, besides working, I took the time to cook… I filled up the freezer with lasagne and other dishes which were ‘oven-ready’. It gave me something to do and also helped when I couldn’t be bothered cooking. I can recommend it.

Good luck. Let us know how you go on.
Marilyn

Hi Kitcat,
I thought I would post a quick message to you, I am waiting and get my results tomorrow too. Here’s fingers crossed for both of us! I’m a gibbering wreck today too but think I need to tale up the wine advice as nothing else is working, Lots of love & luck to you.

Emma :0)x

Kitcat and EmsyLou79,
I`m five hours behind, living in another country, but just wanted to wish both of you the best for today,
Love,
Mimsy

Hi Everyone,
Emma, first I hope you got some good news from your results today and that anyone else who is waiting to start treatment or already underway with it is doing OK. Thanks also to everyone for their good wishes, which I really appreciate.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a cyst, the radiologist has taken a total of six biopsies, three from the lump and three from one of the lymph nodes which she said was swollen. I’ve now got to wait until next Friday for the results.

I was upset but there was no chance to discuss anything back in the clinic as the radiologist said I didn’t need to go back in, I was just given a card to make another appointment for the clinic to get the results next week. I left the hospital in a terrible state, crying my eyes out in public. I felt completely unsupported.

It would have helped me if I had been able to discuss things further, not least the HRT because before I went downstairs for the tests I said to the doctor in the consultation that I was thinking of giving up HRT and he simply said “good idea”. There was no discussion about how best to do this, whether I could taper it off, take any herbal remedies to help with the symptoms or anything. I was also expecting to go back into the clinic to discuss these things after the tests but that didn’t happen.

I think I will try to contact the clinic nurses next week or perhaps email them. I haven’t been told anything about any treatment plan, I’ve been left up in the air and presume this will all unfold next Friday. In the meantime, all I can do is use my imagination as to what all this means.

Anyway, most of the day I have felt very upbeat and ready to take on treatment but I’ve just hit a bit of a low point.
xxx

Kitkat , give the helplne a ring tomorrow and see if they can giveyou some suggestions. They know what they’re talking about.

Good luck.

cm
x