Holllllddddd on.....you can't just drop in and say 'just got out of ER' and then disappear! LOL That's a MAJOR cliff hanger....
hi you guys!
Just stopping in really quickly here to say I hope you had a merry christmas (Hanukkah, or whichever holiday you celebrate) and a happy new years to come.
I Just got out of the ER! I will be back later with more & to read and respond to your posts. Just didn't want you to think I had forgotten about you guys
Dear Woe is me,
Your post has made me shed a tear this morning. This is an online virtual world, we've not met, and you are literally the other side of the world, but I feel quite emotional about your words. I am delighted, totally, for your 'all clear'. Don't feel guilt AT ALL, you know what ...we don't want people to join us lol.....we like hearing that people get good results! I speak for myself here, but I'm sure others will concur, it is experiencing this emotional pain that makes you not want to wish it on anybody. You are such a sensitive and thoughful person, and as you are all too aware, life is always about how you deal with any experience positive or negative and how you develop and make 'good' come out of it.
At Christmas time, to hear that you are planning on connecting with this lady, to try and assist at these art groups is a truly wonderful thing to hear and I really hope you are able to do that. It would make a fitting legacy to your time communicating with us on this UK forum. You are a special person, who has faced immense anxiety with such bravery, and I just 'feel' that you have a lot to give, in supporting others.
The people around us who support us as the ones who make this possible for us to bear the situation, and in your community you can be one of those people.
All the very best for the future, remember this site also has a 'benign' conditions area (it not just about cancer)....so you can always post there if you need to.
Take care. x
Ann, Charys, and ladybowler (And everyone else who is following this thread)..
So I finally got my results back. I was told I would have them on friday, but friday came and went and I didn't hear anything. Nothing on the weekend, nothing on Monday. I became a bit relieved at this point because I figured they probably put the "likely benign" stuff on the backburner, making me wait so long. I got a letter from the hospital yesterday afternoon, I was shaking so bad as I tried to open it, the report said there were no signs of cancer, but they didn't say what it was. I read it 5 times because I couldn't believe it. Then, my doctor called me last night after hours and told me the reports came in and it was a cyst. A cyst??? It's on the surface below my skin with no layer of fat/tissue over it, I had no idea a cyst could feel this "hard."
I feel all sorts of emotions now. Ever since my dad passed I've had surviver's guilt, and now making friends on these forums... I feel guilty again.
That was literally the most scary thing that has ever happened to me, I wish I could just take all of the fear and suffering away from everyone else. I can't just walk away and pretend this never happened knowing many people didn't have the same outcome as me.
I'm thinking of reconnecting with a lady that I met during my dad's treatments, she runs an art night for cancer patients and their family. Relevant because I'm a professional artist and could actually contribute. I don't want to just go back to living the same way pretending I'm invisible and that this stuff doesn't happen, it does.
So good to hear from you W & big group hug!
Hopefully all is well, but will be thinking of you.
I would be brilliant if you could support the forum as you have certainly have 'been there' whilst going through this whole process.
My experience prior to diagnosis was completely different. Like Helena, mine was a routine find & I was so convinced it would be ok, that I didn't give it much thought before going back for the biopsy results. My worst time was just after diagnosis & before surgery. Anyway, it all still turned out to be ok, even though I went through an unexpected diversion. Again, I can't emphasise enough the importance of getting things checked out & going for screening. I was a screening sceptic - but no longer!
Thank you Carys, ann, and ladybowler! You make me feel proud of myself haha
Haven't gotten the results back yet but I will check in when I do.
If mine turns out to be benign I hope there is someway I can help the community now that I know what it is like to experience part of the journey.
You did it though! Join the club woeisme, I have a big panic attack when they did the needle biopsy, they had to stop and get me water and so on. it happens, you won't be alone in that honestly. Ok, look, you've taken one step....and a HUGE one. I don't know you in real life, but I feel proud of you. x
He is having an ultrasound yes, but he also resides in the United States - which was what I was referring to
is it tomorrow in the US yet, or is tomorrow yet to come? LOl Time differences really get me confused for some reason. I m wishing you a brave and positive scan. You really are doing SO well, considering how you were a few weeks ago. I guess there isnt a consultant there who is viewing the results immediately and they need to be sent to a consultant, hence the 2 day wait to know if anything has been seen that needs further investigation. Thats a bit of a nuisance really, as skilled radiographers can usually give you a general of idea of if something is 'totally obviosuly benign' or 'unknown and needs further investigation'. As others have said, one step at a time, don't think too far ahead...each bridge as it comes.
Ann & Charys,
Thank you for continuing on with me.
My mind is pretty blank right now to respond but, tomorrow is my US.
I'll report back when I get home.
As far as my friend has told me, I won't know anything tomorrow. She said they just take the imaging and then send the report to my Dr who will in return call me with the results in approx. 2 days.
I'm okay with the appointment tomorrow, just scared of the call back.
My RN friend had spoken to my GP about me and the anxiety and fears. Dr called me and said she knows my life has handed my bad cards and that it's hard for me to think this can not be anything besides BC, but maybe this was the one time in life where I would be proven wrong and life would work out positive rather than negative. She said there are other things the lump could be (Though I can't recall what she said exactly, and I wondered if she just meant lumps in general or mine in particular.. I do know she didnt mention fibroadenoma, which is what I am hoping mine is), she doesn't know if it's cancer or not, and that cancer is rare in my age group but does happen so she wants to just make sure. She said IF it is something, the earlier it's caught the better because treatment is very successful. I said it didn't appear to be the case in younger people especially if it's triple negative; she said that wasn't true. She explained the letters were just standard procedure, as you guys have noted. I felt calm after she spoke to me because the conversation was very rational and I was in a state of panic. But of course, with an anxiety issue... as the days pass it takes over again. I have not slept, and I have had full blown anxiety attacks. It's pathetic, I can't believe I am falling apart like this. I knew I had a medical anxiety but I didn't know it was THIS BAD. It's the weekend now so I can't call in. Part of me feels pathetic because what if this isn't cancer? I'd feel like a fool being consoled by you guys who actually have it. It seems rude and insensitive of me. But on the other hand... This lump does not feel right. In fact, I have now noticed it's a small lymph-node shaped lump on top of a larger rubbery nodule. Makes me wonder if it's spread to the nodes. I have a firm lymph node beneath my ear/on jawline that feels the same, it's been like that for years, I think a result of the sinusitis I used to get as a teenager.
I'm just trying to figure out how to brace myself for what could be happening to me. How am I going to pay for the treatment, it's just going to deplete my funds. How am I going to be able to bear constant doctor appointments and the anxiety that goes with it. If I do get "cured" how will I live in peace instead of constantly fearing a reoccurance? This lump just does not feel right.
Been trying to forget about all of this for a few days, but it's pretty hard -- at least the anxiety isn't as bad.
Got ANOTHER letter in the mail, this time certified (ie: to make sure I get it), about the ultrasound appointment and how I haven't made it yet.
Would this concern anyone else as much as it's concerning me? She's verry adamant about this ultrasound.
(It is scheduled, but she must not know, I'm currently trying to get in touch with her via phone but that has proven hard too)
Thanks everyone 😄
I'm still a little scared, of course, but ignoring it doesn't make the cancer go away. I've noticed the "single bump" is actually 2 bumps, one on top of the other. I've accepted my life may change big time 14 days from now.... So for the next 14 days I'll just enjoy my normalcy.
I've stopped reading the bad statistics on people under 35 cause it was just making me sick. If I have it I have it, nothing I can do but accept that.
Well done!!!!!! I am really really pleased you have managed to schedule that ultrasound. That's a massive step for you, given your fears, and I know it will have taken a huge amount of bravery. 🙂
Yea... I had sorta forgotten about it while dealing with the death of my dog, but now my anxiety is in full force. I went to the hospital today and saw my friend who is a nurse there, she scheduled my ultrasound for december 14th.
I'm scared.......... My whole world may change but you're right, even if it is cancer I just have to approach life a little differently.
I read something about how with people under 30 the cancer is usually aggresive, I read a scientific study about people under 30 and under, vs people 30 and over. It's scary 😞
Thanks you guys. It is helping, tomorrow on Monday I'll call to see about getting a therapist, I can't live like this. I've cleaned and put my stuff in order to prepare for the diagnosis. Yes, i'm in the US (sadly lol)
As for that ignorance is bliss comment.. well, it is sometimes because I had forgotten about the lump for awhile, until I got the letter. Now the anxiety is full force. I've made myself physically ill. My friend said even if I do have cancer what type of life is it sitting in my room in the dark being sick, which is true.
The thing is, the "not knowing" stage is so bad because well.. I feel i DO know. I know I can't be 100% sure, but I'm just trying to get ready to receive the diagnosis. I'm sick thinking it's already spread, I've no idea how long the lump has been there. Sigh.
And this is how I know my fears are fueled by illogical anxiety that needs professional help: Yesterday I spent, literally, 12 hours, googling and reading stories and statistics, touchign the lump and trying to assess it, etc. I had no long I had been doing it until I looked at the clock and saw it was 4am.
What's scared me though is the lump feels perfectly round from the top skin, but when I grab it from the side it feels almost like it's got an edge on it, a bevelled edge. I'm going to go now because as I type this I realize how delusional I am
Hi W, I'm back again,
I get the impression you are in the US, but I would assume clinic processes would be similar to ours in the U.K.
This is just a walk through about what to expect. Either we are referred following finding a lump or, as in my case, recalled following routine screening. Whichever it is, anxiety is a normal response often accompanied by catastrophic thinking i.e. 'It's cancer,' I'ts whizzing around my body,' 'am I going to die,' how are my loved ones going to cope without me,' & so on. This is normal, but hard for anyone to manage, I remember going into denial. "What,? Cancer? Me? are you mad!" is what went through my mind.
At the appointment, you would be seen by the dr who will do an examination & an ultrasound performed, if it's clear what it is, then the all clear can be given at this point. If it's not clear, then further investigations maybe done - mammogram, then possibly a biopsy. Usually a biopsy will not be needed, but if it is then there maybe a further wait for the results - again, most people are given the all clear.
For most of us it is the 'not knowing,' that is the worst part, once this is resolved then we can move on.
As I've said below, so glad to hear that you intend to see your dr to get support you need with this to help you move on.
very best wishes
OK, not sure I stand a chance in whatsit of remembering everything I wrote this morning lol, and anyway...Ann has covered some of it.
I was going to say that you said to me earlier down that 'ignorance is bliss' but it didn't sound to me like you were experiencing either, you were actually spending lots of time checking, googling, imagining and fearing.....not at all ignorance or bliss. You are in the place where lots of us find it astonishingly hard, the 'not knowing' place.....which is hideously hard. It gives you time to think, imagine the very worst scenarios and perseptives on things gets squewed. (not sure on spelling of that). I felt that you actually DID want to address it, but your fears were so massive that they were getting in the way and you should go and seek professional help as soon as you were able. Fears at this level arent logical, and need support to get through them. You've now replied by saying that you think you should get some help with your fears, so that is GREAT!
I was also going to say what about trying things one step at a time. I mean, you always have the choice of refusing either scans or treatment, your body, your choices. However, I think the least you need to do is get that ultraound done. It honestly is pain free, easy, quiet, simple and quick. That way you at least wont be stuck in the 'not knowing' arena, which is the worst place to be. After all, the gun is being hugely jumped at the moment, as your anxiety is so high, your lump (which could be benign) has become cancer spread through your body and I think the reality couldn't be worse than the fears you are currently experiencing.
Im sure thats not everything, as it was a long post, but I think that kind of covers it. Since this morning, obviosuly you have posted and I think heading in the right direction ;o)
I hate when that happens! I'll wait for your response.
Since I've checked in with you guys, I've decided to ask my GP about seeing a therapist. I didn't really realize how bad my anxiety is because day to day I am fine. But the moment medical stuff comes up... I just..can't. I've been sick all day because I don't know how to deal with a cancer diagnosis.
I've had a fear of breast cancer for about 2 years now. Ever since I developed the gynecomastia. I just had this fear deep down that if I didn't have reconstructive surgery to remove the breast tissue, I'd be that unlucky guy who got the rare men's breast cancer. The crappy thing is, I just sold my house so that I could move and change insurance providers as I wanted to go to a specific surgeon for the chest surgery I had planned. I was going to move in a few months and have the surgery done, and I just kept thinking ... "Wow my life is looking up, I can put all of this behind me, wouldn't it be ironic if I got cancer before I get the chest surgery." Looks like I waited too long.
Woeisme, i wrote you u a long rely, it all got lost and I don't have time right now to rewrite it. I'll try again later today. So annoyed
The thign with anxiety is that it's irrational to everyone else but the person suffering with it. That's probably why it seems like I'm saying different things. Some days I think, "It's probably an early stage, I can do this," other days it's "I don't even want to know if I have it or not." Now it's progressed to the point I am absolutely convinced I have it for sure, and not only am I convinced it's cancer, with my luck, it's not an early stage.
I've done more investigating, I don't have much breast tissue so I was able to get the lump between my fingers as opposed to just feeling the top of it against my flat chest. It is mobile, however, I can feel the top of it, the sides of it, but not the bottom. The bottom isn't adhered to my chest or anything, but it feels like it probably grew into the breast tissue. Which means it's at a more advanced stage. Also, I fear mine is a triple negative. Why? Because that's the type of **bleep**ty luck I have. Life can never just be simple for me, life experience has trained me to be like this. When I was 23 my dad was diagnosed with an incurable bone cancer, and for 5 years I watched him wither away. I am only now getting over it. I'm just so emotionally tired of all of this bad news.
I don't mean to come here and burden you guys with my anxiety, but I do realize it's severe. I am literally terrified of hospitals and I am more terrified of having to deal with everything that comes with it than the actual cancer itself.
Hi Charys, Apparently, I've also heard others quite enjoyed rads as well! I remember one session where that old hit "Me & Mrs Jones" was playing on audio, accompanied by a overhead video of waterfalls & forest glades, very relaxing! Likewise surgery, in & out in an afternoon & I was so relieved it was going ahead as planned, that I almost enjoyed that too.
Good luck, W
I thought I was the only one who ' kind of enjoyed' RT lol Not the RT itself, but seeing the lovely people daily, chatting and laughing with people waiting and the staff. ALso, so that you know woeisme .....a simple lumpectomy is a day case surgery, I was in and out within 4 hours! Yet again though, this is all jumping the gun, as you simply don't know if you even have a BC it really could be nothing. I will repeat though, that if it is then now is the time to deal with it.....when it s at such an early stage.
Hi again, W,
I'm glad you feel that talking about this helps, as Charys says, it does make it more understandable if you have a bit of a phobia about hospitals.
All I can say is, that having gone through this & getting a bc diagnosis, the experience was as good as it could be & there were even some aspects of treatment that, oddly, I quite enjoyed such as, radiotherapy. I had an early diagnosis & am now well & back to normal.
As I've said already, chances are all will be well & this appointment will sort it out for you, in the unlikely event it is more serious, then there is plenty of support here to help you through.
Hoping you will do this!
Woe is me,
ive just seen your second post, about being creeped out by hospitals.....so I think I Understand a bit better now. You basically have two anxieties, cancer and medical places/ practices, and at the moment the medical one is winning.....it seems that your fear of that is overriding the cancer fear. That somehow has to be reduced, you aren't going to be covered in wires and stuff lol we can help talk through all that with you. I had a severe phobia, and a real phobia not just a fear, or GAs and medications......and I've now done it all😄
Woe is me,
i honestly don't know what I can say anymore. I've made long posts to you further down, and I too am puzzled ....you are terribly concerned about it progressing and spreading but say you don't care if it was cancer....Then you are terrified it's cancer and imagining it's through your body....I don't understand the many inconsistencies. You are clearly struggling with some aspects of getting checked, but we have all tried hard to reassure you in so any ways, and ultimately it's your choice.....nobody can make you have a scan.....it's everybody's choice to refuse tests and treatment, however, I don't think you actually want to be hiding your had in the sand. It might even be NOTHING sinister, but I'm not sure what we can say that will help you? Everyone thinks you should get the ultrasound. I think maybe it's time to go back to your GP and discuss the anxieties you have which are stopping you taking the steps I think you want to take.
When I say i have medical anxiety, I don't mean over this particular issue; I mean in general. You know how a lot of people freak out with going to the dentist? I am that way with the doctor, it's full of bad memories and bad news, and I hate people attaching wires etc to me. I hate hospitals, they creep me out.
Talking about it here makes me feel better about going, and I guess if it is cancer I can come back here and have people to talk to. I really don't want to tell anyone in person because I don't want people to treat me differently, it'll just make things worse
W, Just to add, If you do get this checked out & on the off chance it is more serious, most people who do get a bc diagnosis, recover & get on with their lives, bc treatment has one of the best outcomes out there.
I got this in the mail:
"It has been brought to my attention that you still have not scheduled your breast imaging tests. We had discussed a referral for further imaging. Based on symptoms and your examination, I highly recommend you get evaluated for this medical condition"
I don't even know if I care, idk.... I mean would I rather the cancer be removed or just live with it. Idk if i'm making a stupid decision, I just want to "enjoy" life for a bit longer without having to deal with that diagnosis. I have too much medical anxiety. I don't want to have to go through all of that like, "Oh it's cancer, it's in all of your lympth nodes" etc
Based on what I can feel of the tumor, i'd say I'm probably stage 2 or 3. It feels like it's about 2cm. It's definitely not stage 0 because I feel a tumor. With my bad luck it's spread to my liver already
In your first post on here you said you assumed it ' would be in the early stage and could therefore be removed'. That is a good assumption to make, even IF it is a cancerous lump, a lumpectomy in early stages would indeed be the most common course of action. You also know, as you said it yourself, that the earlier things are dealt with, the better. I understand you are in a bad place right now, and the loss of a beloved friend makes coping very hard (believe you me I understand that feeling of loss and grieving very well), but why not just set the date for the ultrasound for a short while from now. I'm not sure how your appointment is working, are the clinic contacting you with an appointment , although it sounds like you have to make your own?
There is never a good time for cancer, for any us, some times are more difficult than others ( there are many on here who have had a catalogue of awful things leading up to their diagnosis) , but one thing is for sure, the best time is the earliest it's caught. Sometimes life throws poo at us, but we just have to do what's necessary to make sure we have the very best chance, for those around us who love us as well as ourselves.
You do sound very low. Please do keep posting here,and if it helps you to know, we will be here to listen when you decide to get your scan done. X