Hello Dear Friends
I’ve spent most of the afternoon, trying to send a post of massive proportions, but I stupidly did a bit of “tweeking” to my settings last night, which has blown up in my face. So a bit frustrated, as like some of you here at the moment. AND, it had some very important, significant FELLOW RANTING in it + very helpful food for thought for all of us - a reminder/refresher for me toooo. Am hanging onto it for dear life rather than it disappear into the ether, never to be found. I hate these blasted machines, But, I am not going to let them beat me. So, until I find a way of saving and then sending it, I shall try and repeat some of that looong post and then concentrate on the here and now with US !!
I was given these very WISE WORDS a couple of years ago. Actually wrote them down, and ‘I’ need to keep re-instilling them into my everyday life vocabulary :-
“Go forward with confidence. Deal with MORE, if and when you need to” (Tricia - Cancer Buddy Network (CBN)). . . . . . and
"We need to CHANNEL our minds BACK to BETTER thoughts. Which takes PRACTICE (Sharon - aka Shazza - also CBN)
Both of those two lovely ladies were understandably “Moderators” for the CBN Forum.
Our minds are our own worst enemy in dealing with this new or old to us Bleep disease, still an unknown situation. And we therefore have to adopt/learn new strategies to either keep IT or rather US in control “HEADWISE”, otherwise it’s gonna drive us “bonkers” and off our heads, as.it has done to me!! But, thanks to you lot on this here Forum, I’ve now got a grip back on life again and hopefully from now on.
There’s still always going to be that FEAR, that you never know if . . . But there’s also a need to be sensibly VIGILANT about anything “unusual” we’re experiencing without becoming paranoid, - difficult to balance. It helps if you have a really understanding doctor. Mine, where I lived previously, was fantastic at putting me at ease or conscientious to check further into certain things that had come up for me following my BC, such as a lump in my neck - sent me to have it scanned immediately. I’m just being realistic, as none of us ever know if those repetitive twinges aren’t being caused by a possible “secondary”, do we - Right?? I’m not doom-mongering here, just being pragmatic - realistic.
But, at the same time - we have to try to not let it “rule” what future life and years we do have in front of us don’t we? I’m 9 yrs down the “Clear so far” line and I still struggle at times this!
In the process - I think it’s very important to communicate how or what we are FEELING/THINKING to all our beloved family and friends because they “can’t read our minds” and usually want/need to know, that’s if they truely care about us…
Personally, I also think it important to gently educate anyone else who comes into my path that says “So you’re “cured” now then” with “No, I’m not “cured”, because as yet there is no cure, nor any means to check into every cell of our body to see whether there are any cancer cells that have lodged elsewhere. But thank you for your sentiments, I appreciate that you mean well”.
Suzie - So you’re waiting for what i call the “Icing on the cake” with tattooing areola’s. Now there’s an unusual, interesting and somewhat rewarding job !!
If you’re STILL not sleeping well, have a glance at our suggestions in the “Insomnia Anyone” thread on “Recovering from Treatment” thread for sleeep aids/advice zzzzzzzzz… There’s loaads of helpful stuff out there that we can get our hands on and use to help us sleeep better or tackle other issues of BC. But, like with anything and any “muscle”, we have to learn to use it, REGULARLY, 'cos we can all be lazeee can’t we?? OHHHHH Yes we CAN. Well, we’re getting into Panto season, so you’ll have to forgive my excitement, 'cos I love 'em.
However, Thinking back to the words at the start of my post - takes “practice”. ‘I’ myself also need to keep it in mind for myself.
With ref to your recon, a “dermal sling”. Are you meaning with use of "Strattice/tissue matrix and perhaps combined with a “Back Flap” AND implants or just implants ?? I was amazed that you had nipple recon at the same time. Talk about “all-in-one” ! Once I have my expanders replaced with silicons, I have to wait 3 months to allow “them” to develop a “drape” (droop!) to avoid an unlevel position for nipp recon.
I forget just how heeealing music can be in putting something “uplifting” on, in that it makes you wanna dance around the kitchen. But, also how CATHARTIC it can be in releasing pent up sorrow/emotions. My brother and I were huge music lovers and we shared a lot of similar musical tastes. I played Stings “Fragile” at his funeral, even had the words printed out on the service sheet. It’s just one of many pieces of music that reminds me of him (same goes for my Dad). I’ve just put it on as I’m speaking to you, and I’m in floods. But . .it’s good for my soul to let it out, and/or show my emotions and vulnerabilities. But. . . only to myself or those that we know love and care about us!!
I’m afraid this disease and experience has made me faaar less tolerant of certain things and certainly certain people and their actions, yet more tolerant of others and other things. Take for instance my cousin (like a so called sister at times). I was, and still am, shocked by her attitude towards me immediately following my brother HANGING HIMSELF, in her ability to point a “finger of blame” at ME for what he did. Ironically, she didn’t even know my brother, and really, had had very little interest in getting to know him as a person his whole life. She knew something of the complications between us concerning the sale of our parents house, but not ALL of it. Yet considered herself an AUTHORITY on HIM, his and my relationship, and his state of mind. I tell you - hands in air !!??. I had no option, for the sake of my own self preservation, to just “cut her out of my life”, in that her words were such a cruel, dispicable, ignorant KICK in the face and . . HEART. I’m already on the fffflippin floor, literally wracked in grief! Not just about the loss of my brother, but it also only being two years following my Mothers death!! She could do to read this post about it all and maybe it may cause her to “self examine her behaviour” and MAYBE then humble herself and A-P-O-L-O-G-I-S-E !!! Had my previous post not been “held” in limbo, it would have explained far more eloquently, some of the “Ins and outs” more. Jeez, I would challenge HER, and anyone else for that matter, to still be STANDING after what’s happened to me in the last 12 yrears. No, I’m not wanting or looking for sympathy - I don’t need or want it thanks. Am just wishing to state the facts.
My Dad was diag “Terminal”. Mum and I had it to deal with. He died a month within the 1 1/2 yrs predicted for his particular type of aggressive lung cancer associated with asbestos -2003,
I had to give up my business/profession for health reasons when I’d studied/trained HARD to provide myself with a lifelong profession/ income. In the process of having to give up my business, I had to give up my income, a home I loved and spent a fortune on refurbing and worked hard for, plus a lifestyle I loved and had also worked hard for.
My relationship also broke down because of the “stress” of the above, so was also LOST.
I then lost one boob - bounced back incredibly well and got back onto the “life” horse again.
Then lost my SECOND boob, only 9 months later and did NOT bounce back. Sank into massive, severe depression
2 years later, I lost my Mother SUDDENLY - which completely blew me and ANY strength I still had to bits and into even further decline.
2 Years later, I then lost my Brother to him HANGING HIMSELF at 56!! We expect our parents to go before us don’t we. Suicide leaves you with a extra horrible feeling.
It seriously grieves me to have to act this way with my CUZ, but, I’m better off without such destructive, torturing people in my life. I have faaaar more important issues to be dealing with - such as LIVING -full stop, and still with the breast cancer issues itself. Difficult, because deep down I still love her, plus she’s one of the now FEW family members I have left. She got married in May - I had an invite but couldn’t allow myself to attend a “Happy” event of someone who’d caused me so much extra grief to what I was already in at the time.
It’s only with THANKS to certain people on here, that I’m still alive - seriously !!! Cos I’d already been to where my dear bruvs head was a number of years and TIMES before HE actually did what he did. And, really, I had greater cause and reason to “do myself in” than he had - having this potentially life threatening disease, on top of loadsa other life traumas and GRIEF!! I no longer have the time or energy to WASTE on ANYone who causes me extra grief, and makes my life and MIND/HEAD any more, (in the words of Sting) “FRAGILE” than it already WAS. Other people reaction to me telling them about what my cuz said was jaw drop open in disbelief, disgust, incredulity!! that someone could behave and say such a thing to someone who was in the state I was in. Anyway . .
Sorry folks , thanks for allowing me to off load. Had to get all of that above out of the way and now apologise to ALL of you for it. Let’s get back to what is actually MORE IMPORTANT i.e. “US” helping each other through all the vagaries of this BLEEP of a disease. Yes ??
Not-gonna-let-such people-and -things-wear-me-down-any-longer-Delly xxx
) You need to get work done to and extra help with your “cording”. Please DONT leave going to see someone - PHYSIO about it. It WILL require you to do EXTRA (!!) E-X-E-R-C-I-S-E-S for it tho’. The “sunburn” feeling can be due to IT (cording) and/or slight nerve damage from your underarm surgery that’s repairing itself. I still have a slight lack of feeling in my right underarm and thumb + first two fingers (Yes those two fingers!!) so don’t expect miracles there. None of it stops me performing my daily tasks, but it did mean I couldn’t return to my profession which required me to have full sensitivity in performing my work tasks using sharp instruments and scalpels SAFELY. Trust me - “I have a round neck”. Think about that one !!