I seem to be in a minority on here when it comes to dealing with the feelings of partners, from this and other threads, and I fullly respect other peoples views, but I do find it sad that so many commenters seem to expect that partners, going through this with them, should automatically be able to suppress all their own feelings of fear, panic, weakness and need for comfort, and rush to judgement on any man (or woman) who is honest enough to admit to their failings and ask for advice.
Yes, we need our partners to support us and be strong when we are feeling so vlunerable , terrifed and demented, particularly in the first few months after diagnosis, with ther terrible physical and mental assault we're facing, but expecting our partners to be 100% perfect is unrealistic. There are very few saints out there, and expecting your partner suddenly to become a paragon of virtue, and never admit that they are finding it hard to cope, too, seems short-sighted to me.
I admire you for your bravery in coming on here and admitting how desperate you are feeling. Youe wife is obviously feeling a hell of a lot worse, but vicious verbal attacks can be very hard to cope with, and you're not made of steel. There is a great deal of anger that courses through you in this situation, and it's only natural that you take it out to some extent on the people who are around you must, but nobody should be expected to become a permanent whipping boy.
My partner has been great - he couldn't have been better, and I have been very, very lucky. I was desperately worried after I was diagnosed as to how this might affect our relationship, which is only of 2 years' standing, but I have really tried to remember, even in extremis, that my partner still needs love and affection and looking after, too. He's not a saint, or a nurse, he's just a man who's also been hit with a big, unwanted, shocking life change who's struggling to do his best, and if he stumbles, I don't go mental about it. If he needs time to himself to regroup, then fine. If he gets down, then I try and do something nice for him - he's doing SO MUCH for me, why shouldn't I do things to make him feel better, too? This whole situation is not just about me - we have a life to live afterwards, a relationship to take forward, and relationships need to be nurtured. Looking after him is in my own best future interests, too. Yes, my needs take priorty for now, but it would be foolish to forget that he continues o have needs, too.If you suddenly make it all about the needs of only one person, over a long period of time, however difficult the situation, then it's dangerous.
The needs of carers in general, not just in a cancer situation, often get very much neglected, because everything is about the patient, and the patient gets all the attention from other people, while the carer labours on the background, being expected to be on top form because, well, they're not ill, are they?
But carers can suffer from exhaustion, and depression, and feeling that their lives have been taken by this illness, of whatever nature, too. Our motto as a couple, both in a second marriage, so battle-hardened from our previous mistakes, and both very committed to getting it right this time, is 'Above all else, be kind to one another' - which is pretty much the best life rule you can follow in general, I think. Your wife can't do that right now, for very understandable reasons, and it sounds as if a lot of her anger about the situation is being directed at you; this anot a good situation to be in, and I agree with the poster above who suggested counselling - that could really help both of you in a situation which you need to do something about before it becomes even worse,
I had some counselling for the first time, shortly after being diagnosed, when I was feeling fairly demented and struggling to cope with the fear and anger, and was terrified about how this was going to affect our relationship, and it helped me ENORMOUSLY. I was counselled by someone at the Haven Breast Cancer Support centres, who has counselled innumerable women through breast cancer, and hers was a wise, calm voice that helped me to cope, and helped me to think straight at a time when my mind wasn't functioning well. I know they also offer support, including counselling, for the partners of people with breast cancer, and I believe the Maggie's Centres also ofer counselling and courses.
It sounds as if you're doing your best in a nightmarish situation (and we're all in a nighmtarish situation), coming on here to ask for help shows that - anand d your best is all you can do. I wish you the very best going forward. I so hope you and your wife can find way to get though this, and come out of the other side together.
Caroline xx
......its all i can say (my mum also taught me to say nothing if i couldnt say anything nice!)
