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struggling emotionally now

15 REPLIES 15
raechi
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi Jamesy,

Sending you a big big hug. I agree it is SHIT at times. But i am trying to find pleasure in simple things.
A friend of mine was diagnosed with Gioblastoma (brain tumour) over a year ago now. Her motto is Live, Laugh, Love. I like that philosophy. (although we are allowed to be peed off at times too). I know i am! i can be sane and rational one minute and a snivelling needy heap the next. I cant even blame steroids as they didnt give me any to bring home and take.

I know what you mean about friends too. Some people have disappeared off the face of the earth where as other people hae surpsrised me. People i would not expect.
I'm just waiting for my hair to come out - i am 11 days (i think) post my first chemo.

i dont have children, but i can only imagine what its like re: your daughter. Would you be open at all to counselling or is that not really your thing? OR may be your GP could advise whats best re: your daughter. I think you are doing the best thing personally - being an attentive loving mum. But i can underatnd you being worried.

I started my chemo in March and i am waiting for juicing number 2.

It is a lot to deal with, and the ladies on here will be here to listen any time. So feel free to rant/ natter/ moan/ share good stuff when you like.
There are some fab ladies on here and some of the advice i have had has been invaluable.

Take Care,

Rae
x

jamesy
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

thanks everyone for your kind comments. i think its made worse also by the affect its now having on my daughter.(shes three). shes been an absolute star all the way through, but has now developed a stammer, and nursery have noticed it as well.

i dont think its a coincidence that the stammer got worse when the rest of my hair went, and although she likes to see it and feel it(my fuzzy head)i cant help thinking its an underlying anxiety thats causing the stammer. i am trying all i can do to reassure her and give her attention, but im so pissed off this is now affecting her - it can affect me all it likes, but its not touching her.

hopefully once chemo sorted and hair starts to grow back and mummy starts to look more like herself, it may settle.

this is shit.

Sandytoes
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi Jamesy,

Dealing with a cancer diagnosis and all of the cr*p that comes with it (like losing all or part of your boob and hair etc) is bad enough when you are fully in control of your senses but chemo and the steroids make you lose control a bit. I was really weepy and emotional throughout chemo - like I had constant PMT. I didn't realise at the time the effect that it was having on me but after my final chemo I felt better and better and more positive and 'normal'. It's horrid, but you will get through it and you are allowed to cry and rant!!

X

RevCat
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi babychops, my Scotland geography is bad but I think you might be in the patch of the Edinburgh gang? Maybe you are already linked in with them, but if not it's worth fding their thread, they are lovely ladies who have lots of fun as well as supporting each other.

So sorry about your hair - I had really long hair pre-chemo and getting it cut short ready for chemo was horrid. After that actually losing the short hair didn't really upset me... wierd! Like quite a lot of ladies on here I still have my plait wrapped up and hidden in my knicker drawer! Other people are more generous than I was, and send their hair to Little Princess Trsut to make wigs for children.

Megsmum - all the best for chemo 2

megsmum
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi Jamesy sorry you have joined this forum but you will find a lot of support and advice on her, i know i have. There is a thread A few of us who are having chemo started in march ( march 2012) you would be more than welcome to join us, we seem to be a varied bunch of different ages and are dealing with this rotten disease as best we can.

Have to dash as chemo no 2 is calling and i need to tryand do something with my remaining hair . 😞

Keep strong xx

babychops1982
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi jamesy you are in my thoughts.
you are allowed to feel down now and again so dont be too hard on yourself and for everything you are going through i would say you are doing pretty damn well.
try and think to the future, thats what keeps me going and the hair will grown back.
i have not started my chemo yet, i have lovely long blonde hair and i know it will be hard to lose it but it will just make me more interesting!
im in scotland too, west lothian.
love hugs and positive thoughts to you.
xxx

Lorna45
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Jamesy, I remember cutting myself off from friends around the time I lost my hair , I think on reflection it was a combination of the chemo steroids and loosing our hair makes it awfy 'real' .we think we should have this stiff upper lip and saying I'm fine becomes second nature, but only we know that the reality is very different. you will feel better and hopefully these days will be few and far between , we ALL have them !!! I'm glad you contacted your friends, some folk don't want to disturb us as they think we are constantly too ill and that cancer makes us unsociable....it's hard at times but going out makes me feel better. You will get through the chemo and this time next year this will be a memory.
Love Lorna..xx

jamesy
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

im in glasgow, and its gone from bright sunshine to wild snowshowers all day! luckily i timed a nice walk in the park with the sunshine.

i have spoken to two friends just now and they have happily invited me round to theirs tomorrow for tea and cake - they thought i was at work so never thought to ask. so i guess i do need to be more honest about my needs at this time.

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Definitely - make THEM walk out in the cold! You never know, you might be able to persuade them to bring cake with them. And cake fixes so many things!

jan_jan
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

big hugs for you Jamesy,
glad you enjoyed your walk not sure which part of the country u r by it is b****y freezing out there , as before invite a few friends round , xxxx
(((((((x)))))))))
J

jamesy
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

aww thanks all for posting. ive just been for a brisk walk around the park (although this weather is freaking me out)for an hour to clear the cobwebs, i think i need to try and do that more often.

I have been to the maggies centre once, but they didnt have anything on and everyone else there was much older than me.i know that shouldnt bother me but it makes me feel worse. i may try again though, especially as ive not got much to do during the week this week.

i think i also need to reach out to my friends a bit more, i just always feel daft going round to someones house just to have a cry, but maybe thats just what i need.

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Jamesy, you're ALLOWED to feel crap sometimes!

Don't go beating yourself up for NOT being positive all the time. I don't think there's anyone on this site who is (and if anyone says they are, I reckon they're telling fibs). I find that "you have to be positive" comment is particularly unhelpful as it just leaves us feeling guilty when we're not able to be, and flipping angry too. I'm sure lots of us could name some very positive people who still didn't manage to beat this disease and I'm certainly not going to say they died because they weren't positive enough! So please, just let that one go. I don't believe for a moment that having some very justified non-positive moments will affect your survival, other than beneficially. We HAVE to be allowed to uncoil the spring sometimes, or we'll just explode. So have yourself a duvet day or a sofa day with a box of tissues or a box of chocolates if you can face them, or a box of anti-nausea meds more likely.

This is a horrible disease and the treatment is barbaric. People who aren't going through it just don't understand how flipping TOUGH it all is, and also don't know what to do for the best, even though they might want to. Just look at the "well meaning (but annoying) things people say" thread to see how many people get is sooooo wrong. Are you able to give anyone a ring and invite them round for a cup of tea and a chinwag? Even if it's just getting someone to pop in and say hello on their way past, that's a start, but if they don't know you want them to come, they won't. So if you feel up to speaking to people get on the phone and invite them. Sometimes WE have to be the ones to make the move as others just don't realise we need them.

If you started your chemo in March, dive into the March 2012 chemo thread. The ladies on there are very helpful and welcoming and would be delighted to be there for you to sound off at - which, incidentally, is sometimes JUST what we need to do.

And please don't apologise for ranting. It's allowed on here!

I think the emotional weepiness is also a direct side-effect of chemo. I know several people on the March thread are at a similar stage to you and they also have their weepies. So don't blame yourself for "not being strong" (another bit of chivvying that I particularly hate!) and just accept that your treatment will make you feel weepy and fragile sometimes.

And now, get your tissues, have a big blow, go and make yourself a cup of tea, and have a great big virtual hug from me. And lots of other BCCers.

CM
x

bob20
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Sorry you're feeling down. I kind of recognise how you feel - this time last year I'd just had my second chemo. Venting is good and you don't have to feel positive all the time - you're well within your rights to be p*ssed off, angry, sad. It does get easier (or at least, different!) and i'm sorry you've not had the support from your friends to get through it. I think you're coming to the next weege lunch? Hopefully everyone there can be an ear to listen/ shoulder to cry on or whatever you need, but until then, try the helpline here or as Revcat suggests, Maggies? I've found Maggies really helpful. Hopefully see you on the 14th. Al x

RevCat
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi Jamesy,
So sorry you feel so rubbish just now.

Knowing roughly where you are, have you tried contacting either Maggies or TakTent? They can offer all sorts of support.

I think that most of us at some point have the odd wobble, days when reality hits home or the evil 'what if' fairy lands on our shoulder and whispers things in our ears.

I'm sure the upcoming holiday isn't helping - people going away or making plans and all you want to do is feel more human again.

Be as kind to yourself as you can, and use this as a safe space to vent when you need to.

Take care.

Jo_BCC
Member

Re: struggling emotionally now

Hi Jamesy,

Do give the helpline team here a ring, they're here to support you through this. Lines are open now until 5pm today (Mon-Fri 9-5 & Sat 9-2) calls are free, 0808 800 6000

Take care
Jo, Facilitator

jamesy
Member

struggling emotionally now

oh dear, im not sure whats happening but my get up and go has got up and went. just had my second fec and it went much much better than the first, no sickness, just mild nausea, a week later i feel fine, just tired and constipation!

but emotionally im having a really hard time. i have been so positive ever since diagnosis, felt really good and so sure that everything would be fine. but now i feel very upset and scared. im so sorry to post something so negative, i dont feel i can talk to anyone or be honest about this with my friends or family.

maybe its becuase my hair is finally away or the rest of the chemo seems such an uphill battle, maybe its cos im on the easter hols now and i dont even have work to keep me occupied. friends have pretty much deserted me, one i havent even seen since my diagnosis, she hasnt even popped round to the house once.

im trying realy realy hard to stay positive, cos i no it makes such a difference, but its even down t the fact ive got no money, so i cant treat myself or go anywhere nice while im off work, im just stuck in the house all day.

i cant shake this horrible negative feeling and its just not me at all, im searching the internet for inspitaional stories to boost me up, its ridiculous.

it seems to be the same thing as when i was diagnosed - i havent seen or spoken to my bcn, macmillan urse or doctor since my lumpectomy and the nurse oncology team never tell me anything - its like i just sign my life away to these people and hope all the treatment works.

oh im sorry, im just having a rant.