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terrified tonight

13 REPLIES 13
Sarahkears73
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Hi Tricia thank you. It's like two halves of my brain are in battle, one saying stop panicking they can fix this, the other one can't stop screaming and crying. My daughter is 13 and last night had a meltdown about it all, desperately afraid and I'm trying to reassure her whilst not completely believing it myself. I'm glad to hear your story and so pleased you are well, thank you for contacting me xxxx

Patricia11
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Hi Sarah

 

I was dx with grade 3 ductal cancer in April 2014 with 34/36 nodes positive for cancer.  At first i was mortified at the level of node involvement and certain it was a death sentence however my scans were clear and now i have finished treatment in December which consisted of mx, chemo and rads and i just return to hospital for 3 weekly Herceptin injections.

 

I am now feeling so happy and i am planning to return to work on 15.2.after almost 11 months off sick.

 

I have been told my prognosis is good.  Its really not about how many nodes you have, rather it is all about how you respond to treatment.  

 

So stop panicing about nodes and focus on getting through your treatment which will be hard but very doable.

 

Tricia xxxx

 

Sarahkears73
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Hi Gilly thank you for sharing your story with me. I identify completely with feeling like my body has let me down and I'm a dry and upset with God, fate, the universe, whatever controls this, if anything. I'm a teacher and my headteacher has arranged counselling for me via occupational health. I'm hoping it may help come to terms with it. I worry too about the things you said, my daughter is 13, I need to be here for her, I want to see her get married and have children. I feel cheated out of my future, and now every ache I feel I'm terrified it's cancer spread. I really appreciate your words, I feel less alone. I hope you continue to do very well. Sarah X 

cjrd
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Thank you, Butterfly318. X

Butterfly318
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Evening Sarahkears.

 

Not sure what makes you think most people have clear nodes..... If you need more reassurrance you can look at older postings on some of the threads and you'll find a lot of people have node involvement and as the other ladies have said,  still very much here and doing well.

 

For me they never even tried to second guess from ultrasound.  Consultant refered to my tumour as a 5.5 cm area of concern.... Cells grade 2   so at that size is was an automatic full node clearance.... micromet was found in 1 out of 23 nodes.  Consultant was stunned, she expected to be in a lot more and said if she could put them back she would.....   original diagnosis October 2012  Neo adjuvant Chemo,  surgery  and rads.....

 

It is scary, take any support offered.  There is an area on the forum for families.  BCC have some fabulous information booklets.  I think most of us have struggled following diagnosis.  It feels like my body let me down, and i struggle to trust it any more.  Things realy do take time,  be honest and tell each other your biggest fears.  In my experience very few people voice them. 

 

My Son got engaged on my first Chemotherapy day. I was very sad thinking i wouldn't be at my baby's wedding....  I was of course, between initial treatment regime and reconstruction.  12 weeks ago my lovely Grandson was born 18 months after the wedding.......

 

Please keep posting and ask anything you want cos if it is worrying you it has definately worried other people before.  I am pragmatic organised a Community Psychiatric Nurse with second degree in Psycho Social Interventions..... I expected to be just fine of course............I haven't been, far from it.    I continue to struggle physically and mentally.  I've had every therapy known to man and continue with CBT and Mindfulness.  Only with the help of therapy have i been able to change that negative and catastrophic thinking.  Please be kind to yourself. The treatment is doable... Take Care Gilly x

Sarahkears73
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Thank you everyone, I just seem to have had my faith shaken and now I feel panicky that it's spread further. I'm not ill, but I just cannot get myself back to the positive way I was thinking. Doesn't it all feel like a nightmare. Most people seem to have clear lymph nodes which is fab, but that makes me feel like this is a massive step in the wrong direction. I'm going to ring the cancer nurses this morning to see if I can clarify a few things and hopefully feel better. I really appreciate the support from everyone xx

jinny2611
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Hi Sarah im coming up 2 years from digonse in April I had stage 3 triple negative and I had 9 positive nodes and I've got a friend who I met on here she had 34 positive and still doing well 3 years later and yes it scarey as hell but like the ladies say it's like a fishing net catching them keep strong you can do this xx

LMB212
Member

Re: terrified tonight

That's very positive Jo.x
Jobey68
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Sarah I know it's not the news any of us want but my surgeon told me we get too hung up on lymph nodes and  they are there to do a job and if there is some cancer in them then that's exactly what they have done, they were very clear with me from the beginning about the Ultra sound only being 75% accurate and until they were tested then I shouldn't assume mine were clear, they were but I spent the two week wait after surgery thinking they wouldn't be, you will come across ladies on here who had 29 /30 affected and they are still going strong years later! It's crap and we all wish this wasn't happening to us but we can only go with it and get through the best we can, lots of love to you Xx Jo 

LMB212
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Totally understand how you feel Sarah. I am waiting biopsy results on my lymph nodes and feel exactly the same. It is a bit sureal everyone is getting on with their life's and your expected to deal with a diagnosis wait for tests results and be strong. I had a major wobble yesterday and felt really low don't think the tiredness helped. I went to work yesterday so that was emotional. I think it will be a roller coaster ride and we are bound to have some off days. Take care x
Blossom Hill
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Hi Sarahkears, had a disscussion about lymph nodes with my breast sergoen today, I go for my Double MX 27th Feb. No lymph node involvement expected as per ultrasound, YEH RIGHT!!!!, I will wait for lab before I do a jig. Like you terrified of a positive lymph node result, BUT my breast sugeon says, we have hundreds of lymph nodes going into our collar bone, and up to our neck, they can't get em, they can only remove up to a point, of some big vein, name escapes me!!!, She says the lymph nodes are our filter system (like a pond filter!!!) and she WOULD expect to find some in lymph nodes because it means theve done their job and filtered out the cancer cells, hence chemo. But it dosnt mean you have a second site. So dont think too badly of our amazing filter system, YES we all want lymph nodes to be clear, 100%, but if their not its cos theve filtered out the baddie C, so hang on in there. Ive been diagnosed 3 months !!! Don't even go there, had CT scan two weeks ago, lucky for me OK, So don't go thinking lymph nodes positive is the end, even though we all would!!! cos we are all in this *oxy Cancer together.Just think of it that theve done their job. Hope I tell myself that at mine, but thats truly what she said. The wait is horrendous, but its unavioidable, Please don't think this is the end, its a normal reaction that everybody on here goes through, followed by I wont let it win, and it dosnt. This site is the best thing that has come out of my breast cancer diagnosis, total strangers who support each other us all with a common bond.

Take Care

BlossonHill

Ali-B
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Dear Sarah,

 

Yes the lymph node thing is something which can divide feelings for women going through cancer, so far my diagnosis says they are clear, but my cousin (on my dad's side) had positive nodes and so had a clearance. She has just passed her 2 year clear date and I am at the beginning of my journey.

 

Yes you might have more surgery (boooohiss) but once healed and been through more of your treatment plan you will be more in the routine and you will feel more focussed.

 

The fears are normal so don't beat yourself up about it, but make sure you eat well, sleep well and look after yourself during these stressful times.

 

Ali xx

Scareym
Member

Re: terrified tonight

Sarah

 I am so sorry to hear that you have had more bad news, I am afraid I am not wise  enough to know what to say to make it seem any better. I am sure that everything sounds so glib when people say not to worry but my only feeling is that a positive outlook will always help. It is hard when your husband lets the fear show but I am sure that you will both find the  strength to fight this once the shock subsides.

 

I know that everyone on this forum says the samething but it is a roller coaster ride and I hope that you will soon be able to get back up from this latest blow.

 

 

Hugs Mary xxx

Sarahkears73
Member

terrified tonight

Hi all I'm hoping to get some perspective and hope from some of you who may understand how I'm feeling. 12 days post WLE, pathology report shows 2 out of 3 lymph nodes have traces of cancer cells so I now have to go back in on Tuesday to take them all out (on one side). I wasn't expecting this as the original biopsy was clear. So now after more unexpected bad news I'm terrified. I'm literally feeling like this could be the end and I could find out all lymph nodes involved and its spread further and that's it. That sounds dramatic and irrational but because I wasn't expecting cancer diagnosis and I wasn't expecting lymph node involvement I feel next step is not expecting but being told that it's much worse than previously thought. I cannot get a grip of myself and tonight my husband is also very upset whereas up til now he's been very strong and so I'm panicking even more. I feel like I'm going to be the tiny minority that doesn't make it and I've no idea how to get through this next waiting stage for the op and waiting for results. Does anyone have any ideas or been through similar? Thanks, Sarah X