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the real battle starts now

25 REPLIES 25
Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Yeh, Lizzielou, I sooo get you on that. Obviously delayed pent up fearful emotions were flowing. Isn't it all very weird.Initially traumatic for you, and unexpressed at the time perhaps? But good that you let it just happen.

Dusty - How you doin? I've just responded in another thread. I'm a fellow singleton - yeh, is extra tough. Am wishing you much strength, my friend

Loadsa love to everyone

Dellywelly xxxxxxxxx

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi Dusty, my bc sounds very similar to yours and when I got the histology results telling me all was clear I cried all day, not with relief but intense sadness. My poor husband who is wonderfully supportive was completely perplexed saying ‘but it’s good news’! A very good friend though insightfully said that maybe as I realised I wasn’t facing anything worse I was allowing myself to connect with the fear and sadness that I had been keeping at bay. 

I realise that your post dates back to January so I really hope you are feeling emotionally stronger now xx

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi Lovely Ladies

Yeh, Dusty - Every time you have an op, it's a massive trauma to your bodies, both the actual surgery and the General anaesthetic, which takes a while to work out of your body. Also can in itself leave you a bit weepy. I've known big hunky men to have a weep in hospital from it. All of that's without the enormous psychological hammering. That's particularly tough you being on your own. Does your hosp run any courses, or is there a Mac centre anywhere close, where you could make some fellow BC women contacts, bolster each other up, and most importantly, have a giggle with.

Hope everyone is doing well after ops and during rads and chemo.

Lots of love

Delly xxxxxx

 

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

So glad I found this thread. Thought I was going mad.

Well meaning friends just don’t understand that cancer is not over when your active treatment plan slows down. 

xxx

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi Dusty

I too had to have a 2nd operation and then a final one (no 3) to eventually achieve clear margins and the anasthetic and stress is very tiring not to metion the emotions.  So yes perfectly normal to feel washed out - don't be too hard on yourself - dealing with bc is traumatic. I certainly had a few tears each time they told me I needed further surgery but in the end they got the bugger!! I am having radiotherapy right now which in many ways I am finding more tiring then the surgery as it requires daily trips to the hospital - but needs must.  Hope you get the results you want on Friday x

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

thank you for your post…where there is life there is hope and i admire your strength and getting your nails done!!
Member

Re: the real battle starts now

thanks Jo, I wanted to ask you all a question- I'm now recovering after second op on 10th Jan ,I am feeling really washed out and tired after the last op...is this usual??..I'm waiting on results again and I'll know this friday..I keep thinking that the emotional side of things has taken its toll on me plus I'm coping on my own as I'm single( no family) and close friends live 50 miles away so can only offer a  little bit of practical help for me...it's flipping hard?!!
I think once I know where I stand on friday I'll be able to plan a bit more.
I met an amazing 88 yr old woman the day of my op who was affected by breast cancer when she was 55 and she said to me' I'm still here and you have to believe that you can fight it'.
Member

Re: the real battle starts now m

Hi Maryminder - thank you for sharing that article by Peter Harvey.  I could really relate to a lot of what he was saying.  I thought I would print it out and give it to my husband to read (and maybe my employer!!) Thanks for sharing x

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

hope your oncology appointment goes ok.glad your a bit better. take care xx
Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Thank you for your kind words Corrina. Just had appointment come for next Tuesday for first Oncology appointment. Had a better couple of days , taking mind off things a little, being back at work, needs must. We’ve all been through the mill, and back again. Trying not to dwell and just get on with it all. Not easy, but we all must have that inner strength in us somewhere. xx
Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hoping things continue to go well for you and you start to feel a bit better soon take care and be kind to yourself. Cancer and its treatments are  tough things to live with xx

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

I was thinking that there was something wrong with me. Diagnosed in November had WLE and SNB just before Xmas, results today were the best they can be, all clear, good margins, treatment plan radiotherapy and Tamoxifen. But I’m feeling so flat and low when I should be feeling how lucky I am. I haven’t been through half of what the majority of ladies on here have been through, but have a cloud hanging over me, feeling that I’m never going to be like I was before, putting on the happy mask when in company and in front of my children and then crying when on my own. Sent the “all clear” texts to family and friends who were really happy and congratulating me, but now feel that I’m unable to mention how I really feel. It really helps to read the posts on here, everyone of them is so relevant being in a place where others truly understand. X
Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Thank you so much for all your replies, so reasurring to know its not just me. Have contacted the support helpline this morning and am booked on a moving forward course in April. Have also read the article by Dr Peter Harvey, found it sensitive and informative.

My radiotherapy finishes jan 10th yeay! Reserves bit low, everyone around me of opinion thats its nearly at an end. Trying to explain to them there is still along way to go and am not jumping up and down with glee, cos don't have the energy. Have booked a short break at centre parcs at the end of the month. Looking forward to being able to loose myself in walks in the woods and peace of being amoungst nature.

Good luck and huge hugs to you all x

 

 

Community Champion

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi FEC, love your name! It's all about priorities - after a potentially life threatening illness things look much different and so I've changed.  

I am less tolerant than I was, and more assertive, especially where my health is concerned.

I really treasure my time with my husband and family, and no longer participate in things I do not enjoy. Before this I might have gone on sufferance to an event, but not now. Time is precious, so I spend it enjoying life.

I spent a lot on clothing myself. Not any more . I have lost quite a lot of weight, so even my rings no longer fit. Cheap and cheerful is my motto now. The extra cash goes on treats such as manicures ( to preserve the nails - they are shot!) and nights out and weekends away when I am feeling up to it.

I'm also more emotional, which may be the drugs?! I'm a really soft touch for charities, specially cancer ones. I try to live life to the full because i don't know what the future will bring. I have lung secondaries, small ones.

 I am extremely careful with my diet now, and although not a food nazi, I do examine packaging thoroughly to make sure I am not putting anything in my body that would encourage cancer growth as I intend to live as long as poss.  Previously, if it had chocolate and cream in it down the hatch it went!  

I took my friends for granted before this illness. There they were, and we had good times.  Some I never saw again after my diagnosis, and others have been there when I most needed them. I treasure them, and I now tell them I do. So I'm much more articulate. 

Crikey, I've gone on a bit, bet you didn't expect that lot, so I'll stop now. X

 

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi, I’ve got this to come. Why do you think so much has changed in yourself. I think it sounds like you have done your very best to get through it x

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi Lin, welcome to the forum, always sorry to have newbies join us of course but your welcome all the same! 

Its not unusual to need a second op to get clear margins, not something any of us want but plenty of ladies here have gone through it. This is the worst time when your waiting on a definite treatment plan and things can seem to go on forever but you will get there and it will all get a little easier Xx Jo 

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi there,

I've just been reading a few posts as I'm recently diagnosed. I've just began my journey and first set back has been today where my surgeon told me that the margins are positive and I need another op next week. My sentinel nodes were clear, but the actual tumour grade was a 3 and 20mm rather than a grade 2 and 8mm.

I think I'm overwhelmed as I don't feel as I have that much control and just going through the emotions and gettin ready again for more surgery. I'm expecting a few ups and down on this bc rollercoaster!

I think its totally understandable to feel as you do Bev. It is not easy.

My dear friend  went through bc 20 years ago and she was like you and had to reform her self after it all, mainly psychologically and the impact of having tamoxifen for years did take a toll on her at first. She is still with us and doing well, with no recurrence.

I wish you well and peace for 2018

Lin 

 

 

 

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi again Anniej, as has already been said what a wonderful inspiring post, or should I say another one from you. To live life as well as possible for as long as possible has been my motto and aim since my diagnosis. 

Wishing a peaceful, healthy and happy new year to all, Kxx

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Thank you all for your kind supportive words. No one else understands what we are going through and it really helps to know im not alone.
Happy and above all HEALTHY 2018 to.you all. Xxx
Community Champion

Re: the real battle starts now

Annie

 

What a lovely honest inspiring post, thank you xxxx

 

I wish you both all the very best for 2018

 

Helena xxx

Community Champion

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi ladies, agree with you all. We will never be the same person we were, but I believe we are stronger for our experiences . The Moving Forward courses are, I believe, super. My Maggies Centre offers them. I have found acceptance of my new curly, grey haired , lop sided self through the mindfulness course also offered by them. This has taught me to be kind to myself, and to accept the person I now am. I try every day to appreciate some small pleasure in life. My OH has been, and is  essential to my wellbeing. A short walk, a coffee out, a ruffle of my wild, unmanageable curls and I am immediately more positive. We live with this every day, so I believe the only thing to do with life is live it as well as possible for as long as possible.

Heres to love, life and the friendships that got us all this far. X

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi Bev

I finished active treatment in March this year and was totally unprepared for the way I felt, it was like my lifeboat had been pulled out from under me, after months of appointments, tests, treatment etc there was suddenly nothing, great I was alive but nothing was going to be the same again, family and friends are obviously happy that you have "made it" and that it's "all over now" but like you I felt the fight for me was just beginning.

 

I went on a  Moving Forward Course with BCC which really helped, I admit I had to make myself go as all I wanted to do was hide, I also accessed help through Macmillans and my BCN arranged for me to have some counselling which is still ongoing.

 

Gradually I have started to do things I used to enjoy like swimming and joining a choir, I am not the person I was before diagnosis and that is really difficult to accept, my life (and body) will never be the same again but I am working on a "New Normal", in Feb i will be seeing the Plastic Surgeons to discuss reconstruction, another huge decision that I am struggling with.

 

My counseller told me to be honest with people re my feelings and to be be kind to myself, Dr Peter Harvey wrote this article called "after the Treatment Finishes" which is well worth reading, http://www.peterboroughbreastcancersupportgroup.co.uk/images/pdfs/AfterTreatment.pdf

 

Wishing you all the best with your journey and recovery

 

Mary x

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Totally agree Bev, i feel similar. Haf mastectomy in june and started chemo in August, hoping to get my final one in January after lots of delays due to side effects and allergic reactions. Im also brca2 so need further mastectomy and ovaries removed next year.
Ive put on weight, got no hair my skin has suffered and also.4 fingers nails. But im alive!
Feel.like someone took my 'old' life shook it up and smashed it with a sledge hammer, mothing is the same and i cant imagine how i will.ever get it back. X
Member

Re: the real battle starts now

Hi Bev I had my op for breast cancer on the 31 Jan 2017.. and I feel like you. Im a different person. Think the tablets ive got to take are helping keep the cncer at bay but unfortunately they have a negative effect on me in other ways.eg Im too tired to do some fun activities I used to do. Also feel like things are out of my control and worry the cancer might cme back  so living under a cloud.  but hopefuly we will eventually start feeling lke our old selves as time goes on xx

Member

Re: the real battle starts now

I think that when treatment finishes it just hits us! After fiagnosis we really have no choice but to hit the ground running and get 9n with everything. Then everything is done and we expect to go back to how we were. But it just doesnt happen like that. We are different!!!

What you are feeling is absutely normal Bev. If you contact your BCN tjey shoild be able to access some counselling for you. You csn also acess a moving 9n course through breast cancer care.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time - you have been through a lot xxx
Member

the real battle starts now

Although I am coming to the end of the physical intervention in my treatment for breast cancer, chemo done, mastectomy done, radiotherapy starts tommorrow I feel my "battle" is only just beginning. The fight to find me again. Although the staff involved with my treatment have been brilliant.I feel a lot of it was out of my control as it was a process that had to be followed to ensure a positive outcome. My body has changed, I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror. Hair different, weight gain and minus right boob.Truthfully its the weight gain that bothers me the most even though its the most easily sorted. Cancer is a life changer in so many ways and I am begining to realise I will not be the same person I was before diagnosis as it has made me look at things very differently. Am not sure now how to move forward. My post op scan showed all the nasties have been removed and that is fantastic news however I still feel flat. All my family and friends keep telling me how well I have done, but I think you just get caught up in the momentum of all the procedures. I guess a lot has happened over a realatively short period of time. I was diagnosed at the end of Feb. Am still trying to get my head around the fact that I have breast cancer when now I need to be getting it round the fact that the cancer has been removed and what treatment is left is risk management. I know there is support to move forward, guess am just feeling a bit stuck.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas xx ..