well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

[ChoccieMuffin]

Paddington Bear used to give people a very severe STARE. Sometimes looks can say so much more than words...

A Mr Spock "raised eyebrow" can sometimes have a similar effect, particularly if paired with an unimpressed expression on your face. Best if you're able to keep the deadpan look as the person on the receiving end squirms excruiciatingly.

No, I am NOT a very nice person. };-D

[CanonJane]

oooh... what's a "Paddington Bear look" like? sounds great! Jane

[Mezzomamma]

Growing old is a lot better than the alternative.

[ChoccieMuffin]

Ami, I know the answers we think of afterwards can be (a) too flipping late, or (b) too rude to say even if you think of them on time, but they can at least make us grin as we nod and smile at others who make similarly inappropriate comments later.

To yours, I'd say "I can take my hat off, but you're still an ignorant [insert expletive]."

I know it's not likely to be something you'd actually say, but it can give that "inner smile" as you just nod and give the mental middle finger, and being that kind of person I find it VERY helpful to think of the particularly insulting mental ripostes I might come out with if only I had the guts. Failing that, a "Paddington Bear" look can say more than words.

[Guest user]

How. Totally. Rude.

[Guest user]

As I've just posted on another thread it reminded me of the time when in the winter last year I wore a lovely fur hat to cover my tufts. I thought I looked very Dr Zhivago'ish and had many compliments, until a man (who knew I'd had chemo) said when I revealed my own hair, "You've not got your teacosy on now, then??"

[Guest user]

Standing with a group of 'school mums' and they were all winging about what it will be like to grow old and how horrid it will be - i just wish I was going to grow old! (not sure this fits the 'well meaning' bit of the thread title - but it was annoying!!)

Sadie Xx Xx

[Guest user]

But Clare, they didn't have needle-exchange schemes when she was young, so maybe her viens *are* all shot up and she never told you... LOL.. now you can smile something silly next time she says it and she will have no idea why you think it's so funny.

According to the bible, Grey hair is a crown of splendour and is a reward for righteous living. It's in the book of Proverbs. So nerrr. Although there's a slight problem here -

[Guest user]

Another stoopid comment from my 'on another planet mother'

Went to see her and mentioned i was having hickman line putting in tuesday as my veins are now damaged, went to show her but before she even looked properly she said 'oh yes thats like my veins' er what?? have you had chemo through your veins....er NO!

[libsue]

Everybody's different of course, but had I been the lady on the tube your comment Judes wouldn't have upset me.

I always wear a wig when out - don't go out very often as Tax has curbed my socialising, most of my 'outings' are to the Oncology Unit and I find myself staring at other ladies, and I'm conscious other ladies stare at me, we do it as we KNOW there will be lots of 'wigged' heads. I am always surprised by how some, actually most wigs look natural and do comment to my husband/daughter "I wouldn't have had a clue that was a wig, only know because of where I am". Had you been taking a tube to Oxford Street to go shopping and the same lady was sat opposite you probably wouldn't have realised she was wearing a wig, the only reason you knew when travelling to the Haven was because you expected fellow BC suffers to be on the train. Maybe the lady after reflection has recognised you were a BC patient acknowledging a BC patient. Don't beat yourself up.

[Guest user]

My little boy said to me "Mammy your hair is really coming in now but it is a bit grey" i replied yes is it and i quite like it he replied with " oh mammy it is just like an old lady's" !!!!!!!

Well grey comes to most of us and mine has come quicker than most!
thanks to BC! But who am i to complain at least i am still here.

[Guest user]

thanks chocciemuffin and lavenderlady. i think i was hoping she was on this forum and would appear and say don't worry it's fine. still wanting absolution! i'll have to find it in being more patient when my friends say stupid things.

BBB i'd say you're daughter's on dangerous terrain.

x

[BrainyBlonde]

It is so hard to strike the right note even for us sometimes!

However, my daughter certainly failed this morning when she said that I looked like Valdemort (sp?) from Harry Potter. If I'd had Valdemort's powers she would be zapped into oblivion right now. BBB

[Lavenderlassie]

Judes,
I was utterly hair obsessed- nearly stroked people's hair in the tube etc never actually did... I wore a wig which fooled some people but didn't fool me, wouldn't have fooled another wig wearer. She might go off and get a better wig now and thereby feel better about herself.

I just remember the times I haven't got it right with other people and it is still happening.Forgive yourself as well as the others

[ChoccieMuffin]

Don't be too harsh with yourself, judes, it's possible that you could have meant you knew she was going to the same place because of the understanding look SHE gave YOU.

But you knew what you meant, so I understand that you'd feel a bit bad about it.

[Guest user]

it was me, i said something today that must have been annoying, maybe hurtful.

i'm hair obsessed at the moment, having recently lost mine and decided not to get a wig, which i keep debating. so i stare at people's hair all the time, wondering what's a wig and what's not. then today i went to the haven in fulham for a workshop, and on the tube on the way i was sure there would be other women with BC going, i was examing everyone. i saw a woman opposite who, well who looked great but i could see she was wearing a wig. we made eye contact, she could see i had no hair under my beanie.

at lunch time at the workshop we spoke, i said 'i saw you on the tube, i thought you were coming here'. of course underlying what i was saying was 'i could see you were wearing a wig' but i didn't realise till it came out. she said 'oh really', she knew. we talked a bit then she moved away and afterwards i tried to catch her to apologise, altho i did worry that whatever i said would make it worse, but she ran off.

now i feel shit. but maybe it's a lesson to me to be kind to people who say annoying things, not to judge them too harshly.

[sallieannie]

Oh Lynnferg, my jaw is on the floor too at your sister's comment! Nothing to do with BC but it sort of reminded me of a brilliant exchange I heard on TV after the hurricane caused New Orleans to flood.

Interviewer: do you think the flood is God's way of punishing New Orleans for all the sin and debauchery that has gone on there?

Interviewee: I think it's God's way of saying don't build a city that's below sea level and surrounded on three sides by water and then be surprised when it floods

I thought it was great. I really disagree with people who think bad things happening are some kind of punishment....we all know sadly too well that bad things, including BC, are pretty indiscriminate and happen to good and bad people alike. Oh wouldn't life be simpler if only bad things happened to bad people, and good things to good people!

El K, I would have been sorely tempted to give a reply along the line of well my hair will grow longer but you will still be (..insert insult of your choice..)

[Guest user]

Friend of mine came to visit me - said "oh your hair is growing back isn't it" and I said "yeah it's not actually looking like chemo hair now either, theres thickness to it now and it covers all over" and she said "I don't want to be awful but it does make you look butch"

???? Well cheers for that, I hadn't noticed.

[Guest user]

Hi Keepthefaith

Your remark about your brother reminded me of my lovely brother who got up at 5am to be with my children when they woke up on the morning I went into hospital for an mx on a recurrence a few months ago. I was a little anxious - but he soon put things into perspective when he told me he had the start of a sore throat and was a bit tired too ...

I was annoyed at the time, but actually it was my husband who told me to forget about it, that sometimes actions are louder than words, that he was actually there bang on time (not his thing) on childcare duty (again not his thing) and yes, he probably did have the start of a sore throat!

Normally I hold a grudge much longer...

And Lynnferg, what a beautifully succinct answer.

C2010

[keepthefaith]

My mother-in-law said to me last week when she saw me bald for the first time "oh well you don't look as bad as I thought you would" - mmmm does that mean I look pretty awful, but not horrendous or what? Then when back from chemo and dd said she thought I looked OK, considering I'd just had my chemo, m-in-l piped up with "well I'd hate to see what she looked like when she's feeling peaky then"

Great! Not known for her tact and diplomacy, bless her.

P.S. Ninja I feel irritated by the woman from just reading your post how did you not scream?!!

P.P.S. My lovely brother who I love VERY much came up to visit the other week, and sat round complaining about how tired he was! I eventually told him to shut up as he should try having chemo and then not sleeping for a week!!

[Ninja]

I had a new BCN today just to check me during rads.

Every single sentence I said, she repeated back to me.
Every single sentence you said, I repeat back to you.

It got more annoying as the time went on.
Yes, I will get more annoying as the time went on.

ARGHH

[Guest user]

Friend came to chemo with me today, very kind of her etc etc, and she asked me how I'd been feeling. I replied not too awful, but just so incredibly tired, today was my 4th tax and I have extensive bone and liver mets. Her reply: "Oh, I'm really exhausted at the moment too, don't you think it's just the weather?" Um no, actually I really don't think it is my case - had to bite my tongue so hard I think I've made my mouth ulcers worse 🙂

[Guest user]

i second lavender lassie. that is the most outrageous and unfeminist thing i've heard.

judes (otherwise known as strident feminist)

[Lavenderlassie]

My jaw will be dropped for the rest of the morning, Lynnferg!
That is one sister who should hand in her resignation as a serious feminist from where I'm sitting (with jaw still dropped)

[caroleog]

Lynnferg

Oh that did make me laugh.

Carole

[katytc]

lynnferg, burst out laughing when I read your post, love your reply, still laughing as I'm writing this xx

PS Should have said "I seriously think it was the yellow wellies!"

[Guest user]

When I was about 7years into my breast cancer my sister in law came to visit after many years of living far away. She is a feminist and a psycotherapist, and that background tends to incline her to believe that ......
Well, what she said was (words to the effect that):
" Do you think that the breast cancer was your body's response to all those years you spent abusing your breasts by working as a topless dancer and pub stripper?"
I was so gobsmacked by this 'helpful and supportive' suggestion that all I could say was "Well, I don't think so."

[Guest user]

YES The blue hair is a wig.

I went shopping in the Metro Centre with my daughter, before all the treatment, and we found this one on one of the barrows.

Once I'd seen the picture they took of me, I commented that I was going back to buy the wig.

Then the post arrived with another blue wig from said daughter and her friend.

I do have a regular blond wig, but it rubs against coat collars so only has outings where I NEED to look 'normal'.

I cannot be ar$3d other times. The b00b gets the same treatment. As long as I am comfortable I don't care what anyone thinks.

June

[Crabbit]

Bless him but it's my lovely OH who keeps on saying stupid things to me. I've had 3 months of for surgery and RADS and go back to work next Monday.

He has been 'unable' to take any time off to help with transport and only just made it to my results appt after his work was incredulous he was not there I think. Went to biopsy and treatment planning without him so he clearly struggles with all that but....

I got fed up two weeks post RADS, he was going to work in London for week so I booked a sunshine hol for me, mum and my 4 year old and we had a week away.

Comments from OH 'I could do with a break'

After me saying 'well i am off for a reason and i was looking after a 4 year old all week, not having a total jolly' he then said 'I would swap you!!!' grrr.

So I countered with 'would you swap everything?' then get told I'm striking a 'low blow' etc. He has said similar things three or four times and it forces me to be brutal with him.

I am now reminding him that 'yes I am going back to work' but 'no I am not 'better' yet and will have many days where I am tired and have no energy.'

Promise he's not a heel guys, but I am ready to scream at him!

Carolyn x

[Cackles]

June I love the wig as well.
I used a purple one for my first and last Tax. The Scots used to paint their bodies going into battle. It was chosen by the grandchildren. The thing I find so annoying is the people that tell me how much my wig has taken years off me...and I must keep my hair like that when it grows back...I wish. That means for 63 years my hair has looked c.....p!!!!!! Thanking them. Oops I don't mean the purple one... the Trendco special.
Cackles

[Guest user]

TLB: so the head-shave was not part of the induction/conversion ritual then? How dare you dress in a politically acceptable and [professionally speaking] *utterly*unremarkable* way, you're ill don'tcha know? 😉

Gypsylady, i liking the blue wig :)) (tell me it is a wig, please?)

[Guest user]

I belong to the lovely shaped head club as well and I can carry off the no eyebrow look!! Well thanks I would rather have some as I am rubbish at drawing them on .
With regard to washing the head I have used baby shampoo and theN Aloe Vera cream and the hair is growing , I am on FEC 5.
Keep smiling girls but if anyone tells you that they admire you cos you are so positive you are allowed to thump them it is the BC law!!

[Guest user]

Oh BBB and TLB

Those were corkers.

Thanks for the laugh

June

[Guest user]

I'm not usre if this qualifies as either well meaning or annoying but it did actually make me chuckle.

A colleague of mine who works at our HQ dropped in to my office on Friday and she didn't know, but she told me that people at HQ had heard that someone in my office had converted to Islam and that because I was wearing a headscarf they thought it was me - i've never been called a religious convert before and it brought a smile to my face!

[Guest user]

I got told 'well at least you'll lose weight on chemo' Charming!

[ethlydsyl]

i've just remembered my nowty hairdresser said to me-i've heard of loads of people recently like you-it makes you wonder if the machine was working properly ????!!!!! going to find a new hairdresser lol

[ethlydsyl]

along with the well shaped head -don't forget how extremely lucky you are as breast cancer is the "best" one to get !i personally would rather be lucky on the euromillions ha ha .

[keepthefaith]

Oh! BBB thank you so much for that laugh, I really needed it! Hope poor dh has now recovered! Xx

[BrainyBlonde]

My husband said that I looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings! I had to admit he had a point but that was after he had regained consciousness and had been moved from intensive care!

BBB

[Guest user]

Hehe i havent shown many people my egghead but the few that have seen it have mentioned sinead oconnor grrrr and they think they are being original!

Someone did actually say demi moore in gi jane but ive decided to accept that one as have been told i look a little like demi moore before the hair loss so im letting that one ride

[ChoccieMuffin]

And if you don't get "you look like Sinead O'Connor" you get "you're a ringer for Sigourney Weaver". Never mind Ripley in Aliens, I looked more like the flipping alien. (And there are those who would say that even though I have hair now that they'd have trouble telling the difference. But they just end up with black eyes if they say it out loud.)

[Guest user]

oh no Alto, i thought it was just me who was brave and inspirational and have a beautifully shaped head.

all the people who say 'you can carry it off but i never could' make me want to thump them.

[BrainyBlonde]

Everyone says that I have a great shaped head too! Are you saying that it's not true?!! Ha ha.

The specialist, when he gave me my diagnosis, said that he could walk out of the hospital and be run over by a bus. I said - yes - driven by me!

I also hate it when people say things like 'Chin up' and 'Cheer up'. Grrrrrrr.

[Guest user]

...with neat little ears that don't remind anyone of the FA cup when there's no hair to hide behind.... 🙂

[Guest user]

Having been diagnosed yesterday i am so glad i have a well shaped head, it makes all the difference. rosemay

[Alto]

Never forget folks, as soon as you're diagnosed with breast cancer you automatically become brave and inspirational and have a beautifully shaped head...

Jane xxx

[Guest user]

Hats off to you Whiffy for keeping your cool, but like you say and the title of this thread suggests, they mean well xxx

[DJ007]

Just a reminder to all nearest and dearest - has anyone seen Sinead O'Connor recently!!??

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2013290/Sinead-OConnors-sad-slide-pops-ethereal-beauty.htm...

Dx

[Guest user]

the thing that is really getting my goat atm is people who i love saying "i wish i could have it instead of you"...like...i'd be delighted to hand it over and then deal with them having cancer!!!

and like so many before me...today i finally gave in a shaved the remains of my hair...and it must have been all of 10 mins {the family arrived} before i'd had half a dozen "gosh you look like sinead o'conner"'s, several "i never knew bald would suit you"'s and the real killer...{i have lost 7lbs this week due to nausea/vomiting}...

"CANCER REALLY SUITS YOU...IT MAKES YOU LOOK THIN!!!!"

i did just about manage not to thump my sister as i realised she was trying really hard to be supportive...but honestly!!!

[Guest user]

The initial question was fine like you say June, don't mind anything thought provoking, but I'm really not sure how she thought I was ever going to be able to tell her how it compared to being a bald man!!!!!!! lol!