well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

[grumpy]

At the last village 'do' - the sixties quiz night - said GP wore a bubble wig, a droopy holey sweater and his med school scarf.

I do know what he means about taking care of myself - I have this inability to say 'NO' when folk ask me to 'help out' and I shall have to cure myself of it. After all, I've got two little dogs to take care of as well, and they are SO loving.

So he is forgiven!!!!

grumpy ( and getting cheerier each day - thank you all)

[Guest user]

Well it must be mutual, you're a hairdresser and my hair doesn't like you either, you vicious scissor-wielder you, so nerrrr.
or, Sweet smile, well it was NHS, since i can't afford to go private and "have my colours done"(!) but nice of you to offer to come with me when i had to choose. NOT.
I reckon her nose is just out because the new hair is curling without her permission, which as you know could cut her profits.

@Grumpy: I'm really liking the mental image of your GP at the surgery in a pink tutu LOL. People wear all sorts of strange stuff at events, but it's a bit different and very brave doing it back at work out of context. Good man! Must admit I drove home from a "do" a few weeks back looking rather out of character and praying i wouldn't pull up to a red light and find myself next to a police car!!!

[CanonJane]

My sister in law is a hairdresser.... I went to see her last night as she's just had an op... my hair is growing, but it's curly now...

says she "I don't like your hair" LIke, I do? Like, I can do anything about it? And then I remembered that when I got the wig she said "it's the wrong shade, they shouldn't have allowed you to choose that one"... hello! I've got to wear this for the next 5 months!

*smiles sweetly* and says nothing..... Jane

[grumpy]

Ladies - saw my GP today, a very serious young man except when he's at a village 'do' where he mucks in with everyone bless him.

During our chat he said 'you MUST take care of yourself'

Er yes that's what I've been doing for 2 years.....

He ran the local FunRun in a pink tutu to raise funds for breast cancer research so I can forgive him anything!!! and then he wore the tutu to do surgery later that day......

xxxx to you all

[DJ007]

Or having trodden in something nasty....

[ChoccieMuffin]

...while wearing steel toe-caps...

[Guest user]

Foot in mouth disease. Maybe improved by shoving your foot in their mouth for a change...

[sarahlousie]

Echoooo What?????????to your post Grumpy some people are ultra insensitive I did mention on here about a friend that said something similar about her step mother who had BC she said "my stepmothers not very nice thats probably why she got BC" she told me this at the time I was dx!!!!! was she implying that I in some way was bad thats why I got it, the said step mother sadly died shortly after my dx. The same insensitive friend said whilst I was going through chemo and my periods stopped (now in menopause) "Oh your so lucky you don't have periods anymore mine are a nightmare"!!!!! I'd give anything to go back to having periods and being normal again. I think this particular friend just doesn't realize what she is saying at the time she said the offensive things I was so stressed out going out of my mind with worry and thinking I was gonna die it took a while for me to really grasp the full impact of what she had said also was going through chemo and we all know what a mash up that is on the old grey matter, I have managed to bite my lip so far with her BUT next time she say's anything out of order I will pull her up on it and point out her insensitivity. I can forgive but find it hard forgetting.
Love to all
sarahlouise xx

[Buzzy]

I went to see my surgeon last week as I still have an open wound where I had to have my tissue expander removed because of infection.
He had a quick look at it and then said "I'll tell you what, we'll give you an open appointment and you just ring up and come back when you think it's better" WHAT?! Isn't that their job to tell me? Shall I do my own reconstruction while I'm at it?
I've now asked to be referred to a different surgeon. Am I being unreasonable?

[Guest user]

This wasnt actually well meaning but not certain where else to post this...i have french lessons with a group of other english people. Last week it appears the teacher told one of the other women on the course that she has a problem with me and my friend offered to tell me this. I have e mailed the teacher to ask what the problem is but with no reply. She knows I am undergoing treatment for bc.It might be that I am just a lousy pupil! If I were in school I'm the type who would be separated from my friends for talking and sent to the Headteacher at least once a week.However it might be that because i feel quite tired by the time i get to the lessons that i do not participate fully, often having to duck out of the verbal exercises and sometimes getting the homework wrong....i also have said when we had to use the word 'deteste' said 'Je deteste les lecons francaises' which was meant as a joke! However when my friend told me I went into melt down - cried for hours ...still feeling really weepy today.
thanks for listening....sorry if i posted it in the wrong place
Mary M

[katytc]

WHAT???????????????
Just read your post on Benchland then saw this, wow what a pair of nuts some people really take your breath away with their stupidity but you certainly gave a great response xx

[grumpy]

Cross over from BENCHLAND thread:

A friend told me I should have opted for mastectomy, as everyone she knows who had WLE had a recurrence and died!!!!

Someone else has told me she hates HER boobs and doesn't understand what the fuss is about.

Grumpy (very.....)

[alexc23]

I agree

I've heard that quite a lot especially from older generations and it is basically saying put yourself and your health before the upkeep of bricks and mortar

One of those examples of a well meaning but easily misunderstood comment

xx

[Guest user]

Vodka, I think I can explain that one because I heard it a lot when I had young children and a seriously messy house. it actually means don't be fussing over housework and just take care of yourself. It seems to have got a bit detached from context in your elderly neighbour's mind!
It really is meant to be a caring comment.
Love,
Kathleen

[superfit123]

Well. How comforting!
Is she suffering from mental issues?
C x

[Vodka]

i think she means that when i'm dead the house will still be here. my hubby and thought it was odd and wasn't sure about it. maybe i should ask her the next time she says it to me!

[keepthefaith]

I was wondering the same, what a bizarre thing to say!

[Guest user]

Vodka, what does that even mean 'your house will be here when you're not'?

For Feck's sake!

[Vodka]

got another one

my eldely neighbour came to see me after hearing that i was dx with bc.

she told me there was no point in worrying as my house would be here when i'm not.

the thing is she says that a lot when she sees me outside.

[grumpy]

Telling friends about lopsided boobs due to bilateral WLE:

Friend - your ears are lopsided, can't you think of your boobs like that??

Me - I was born with these ears, I've got lopsided boobs cos someone had to hack big lumps out of them to save my life, and that's rather different.

No I didn't say that, I just smiled and said not really.

[Vodka]

my brothers girlfriend when i phoned him to say i had been dx with bc. I got her on the phone.

oh 'f' sake (she swears alot). did they say how long you've got?

i said, no they can treat it.

she said oh so your ok then?

(he's not with her anymore)

[superfit123]

On my Facebook page: 'Thinking of you. Is the treatment effective?'
Words fail me!
Catherine

[Guest user]

Cackles, no, Tact is not his middle name! And talk about projection...

Sister, on the phone, in week 3 of my 3rd 'EC: 'Why didn't you cook? You really ought to now that you totally healthy!'.

Talk about parallel universes - serves me right for playing down what chemo does to you...

[Cackles]

A good friend whose wife died in January from motor Neurine disease., told me I must not to be selfish and expect my husband to retire from his Architectural practise. He had turned away work when his wife was ill and now regrets it!!! The reasoning......because when I am gone he would need good clients to keep him busy.! I explained I didn't intend going just yet and my OH wants to do less as he is 65 . He has planned just to do his church and charity work pre my diagnosis and he won't need the cash. the problem is my OH's father kept "working "until he was 95 and everybody expects my husband to do the same.
Tact is not Roger's middle name!!!! I didn't know whether to laugh or hit him.so I gave him a hug and a kick!!!

[superfit123]

Coza. how very sensitive!!!
My hairdresser who today shaved off all my sprouty OAP hair, told me I really did have a beautiful shapely head.Having read this thread I giggled a bit and returned the compliment. He is as bald as a coot!
He is also a superstar. Took me into a room away from passing trade and mirrors to do the deed and wouldn't take a penny. Even sorted out my wig!
Catherine xx

[Guest user]

Oh gosh, forgot to say: the ex's sister in law died. That was how the conversation ended!

[Guest user]

Bumped into an ex boyfriend today who said he heard I had been "a little bit poorly". He then told me about his ex's sister in law "who had the same thing".

To be fair, I just thought about this thread and smiled to myself all the way home.....

[Guest user]

KeepTheFaith, you hit on a very large group of *presumably* well=meaning people. I hesitate to rant about my second family but here goes, this one is my pet hate. And she asks me every single time she sees me, that's about every sunday then 😞

"But WHY hasn't your bad arm [i have LE] been completely healed?" (it's one of the old chestnuts, prehaps she didn't know that)

- Well, I guess God has his own perspective on all this, maybe he has a bigger purpose and plan for my future and I needed to get out of my old job in order to move on, maybe my tendency to lie, gamble steal, stay in bed all day, drink myself silly, or burst into tears, or my wish to kill you for your insensitivity, is a much bigger issue than a bit of fluid in my arm. At least the nasty little cells stopped dividing like crazy, credit where credit is due! Why don't you go ask Him yourself and stop trying to make me feel guilty?

[Guest user]

I would love to share this thread on my FB page and just show certain people who are supposed to be friends what their well "intentioned" comments really mean.

I'm on my second round with breast cancer (IV chemo, both mx, radio etc first time). I'm on tablet chemo at the mo, keep being told that it'll be so much easier this time.....I'm almost starting believe it. Haha, yes, of course it is, likely to be on this "easier" medication indefinitely until it stops working (if it is indeed working) and then I'm likely to go through IV chemo again, and then well, who knows because "they're bringing new treatments out all the time, aren't they?"

The only one, I think, that gets it, is my OH...for that I am very grateful I have such a wonderful man. Otherwise I think I could quite easily commit murder 😉

[ChoccieMuffin]

How you look matters not a jot if you FEEL like you've been hit by a truck. But then again, we'd complain if we spent lots of effort making ourselves look "normal" with the LGFB slap and the expensive wigs, only to have people tell us how dreadful we look! (Not that I ever put much effort in. If I drew my eyebrows on that's about as much as I ever did, and didn't bother with a wig at all. So the "you look so well!" comment was said with fingers crossed behind their backs, I reckon...

Can't believe the woman in T's comment though. Since when has she been an expert?!

[superfit123]

Oh dear Sadie! You must have been wearing your LGFB make-up. People keep telling me i look well. Would love to see their faces if they saw me underneath all that slap with no eyebrows or lashes and big dark rings under my eyes!
Catherine xx

[Guest user]

In a large supermarket that starts with a T.......took my prescription in and the lady said 'sorry, over 1/2 hr wait......I said that was too long as I can not stand for that amount of time. They said they would try nd be quick and I looked ok to her!!!!! Aghhhhhhhhh. I went elsewhere in a huff!

Sadie Xx Xx

[Guest user]

A well meaning acquaintance asked me how I was (this was early on just after surgery) and instead of saying fine, fine....I replied "I'm scared Sh****ss"
luckily even tho her english is excellent (we are in france) I dont think she understood what I meant.....
anyway ...she promised to pray for me.
Now (sorry believers) I am a total agnostic and in a previous life I would have been annoyed about that but now ...i just thought....well if thats how people believe they can help ....
Before bc I was useless with what to say ...my English neighbour's mother was diagnosed with bc ..by the time I saw her...she was through surgery, radiotherapy etc and looked as she always did and I never mentioned it...just treated her as I always do....now I'm thinking...should I have said "How are you? In yourself?"
Hey Ho

Mary

[AnnieK68]

KTF,

Sometimes there are times when fine answers all ....

FINE = Feeling Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

It's a way of saying how you really feel without upsetting. I know I've had quite a few "fine" times over the past few months!

Ax

[keepthefaith]

Oh dear, grumpy, that's is most insensitive, I am sure the woman was duly disciplined.

I am on here after going to church yesterday where many people asked me "How ARE you" in that kind of pitying tone of voice - I can't say "oh, fine thanks" can I?? Difficult to know what to say!

Catherine - Mums certainly do put their feet in their mouth sometimes don't they?

[grumpy]

This wasn't well-meaning - or was it meant to make me feel 'normal'??

After 2 WLEs and further op for clearance on one side, I was told I was fit to go home the following day.
So I trotted off to the ward clerk (not the usual one) to arrange transport as previously agreed.
Clerk 'It's not a taxi service you know, this is elective surgery, it's your responsibility to arrange your own transport when you choose to have surgery'
Cue rant (polite) and tears from me
NO I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO HAVE BREAST CANCER OR TO HAVE LIFE-SAVING SURGERY.

next day breast ward manager sorted it, apologised, and asked me if I would like to send in a letter of complaint - no just make sure that stupid c## doesn't come near your patients ever again.

[superfit123]

From Mum: 'Do you think that you are feeling like that (fatigued) because that's what you are expecting to happen?'
Catherine

[libsue]

Clare, how beautiful. Thank you for sharing the experiences. Your son is quite obviously a feeling sort of guy, and it was lovely to read that your XOH is showing compassion and care too.

Their responses must be so warming and heartening, also Ash's - she bless her shows feelings in a different way, always there to help when necessary.

You are blessed with love, but you are reaping what you've sown.

Libby x

[Guest user]

Just have to add one to the pot:

I was talking to my sister the other night - first time we've talked since I was diagnosed (she lives overseas). We talked for quite a while about my diagnosis and treatment plan. Then I asked how she was doing.

'Well, I've been having a lot of pain in my shoulder. I've had to have two cortisone injections in it. So I kind of know what you're going through.'

Huh??? Good thing I love her. 🙂

[Crabbit]

How lovely Clare,

What a beautiful post! xx

[superfit123]

Went to Sainsbury yesterday. I work in a primary school 5 mins form home. Saw about three mums and children from school. Mums all said I looked well (Look Good Feel Better make-up) and children stared blankly at me in my new disguise/headgear.I honestly think they didn't recognise me to start with!!

[Guest user]

Annie, loved you OH's response! (And glad you are feeling/looking better :))

[Guest user]

Hi there,

My son said a very similar thing when he was going through a bad patch bout my cancer and I think he is struggling to find some come of direction in his life as many 19 year olds would.

He came over to hug me, out of the blue and I hugged him back as I would have done if he was a young boy, then he pulled away and turned away...........the anguish I saw on his face was awful when he turned back and he just asked how I lived like this day after day?

I got up and Hugged him tight and said that he and Aisling were the reason and its was copeable as long as I could see them both enjoying life, I would be here. It was then he said How brave I was which made me humble and we sobbed together. It did us a great deal of good to acknowledge our feelings and what a huge compliment from him to say I was brave as both of them are in different ways as they are able to still enjoy life.......thats the only guidence I have given them LOL

I got the most beautiful look from my XOH tonight, he's been quite anxious over this past weeks with everything going wrong in the leg department. The look wasn't of sympathy it was a look of understanding and luv, a look straight from our past. What a situation......

G night all, off to try and get some sleepies

Clare xxx

[ChoccieMuffin]

Sallie annie, I think the card is a lovely idea. It would only be weird if she didn't know about your diagnosis, so I assume she does.

Superfit, what a lovely thing from your wee boy. I can't imagine my 25-yr-old coming out with anything like that at all.

[AnnieK68]

I've had a classic one today on Facebook when I posted a photo of my latest hair "cut" ....

"Wow... you look so different from when I last saw you at work..."

Everyone else was really supportive, if they were shocked they politely kept it to themselves!

Bless him, my OH responded with

" it is not very often that I post on here but I would like to say that after over 8 months, having 2 operations, 19 weeks of very harsh chemicals put in her body (6 large syringes x 6 times) and being ¾ of her way through radiation therapy – she is bound to look different! I’m just pleased that she looks 10 times better than she did 7 weeks ago (when she had her last chemo cycle)!"

I know anything on FB is fair game but I'm still smarting so going to release it now...thank you for listening!

Axx

[Guest user]

When me and my boyfriend invited his parents over for coffee at ours to tell them about my treatment, my MIL replied with a "ooh, don't forget to bring some Coke with you then!" We had just told them for the first time I was getting chemo and her response was "oh, sip Coke afterwards and you'll be fine". Just OMG. I like positive thinking, avoiding drama and practical tips, but this? Pfffffff. I have tried to erase it from my mind. Until I found the perfect thread to let go of it! 😜

[NAZ]

This time 2 years ago it was the following, repeatedly:

You look so well (Well -what does that mean exactly?)
You are a real inspiration (To who?)
You are so brave (Brave? People who jump out of aeroplanes and go on talent shows are brave imho!)
You suit short hair (No i don't and you know it!)
Oh your eye brows are back (Really, pity about the rest of me!)
It is only a breast (It might be to you, but to me it was part of my body and who i am!)
I can't begin to imagine what you have been through (You are right, you can't, so button it!)

Naz 🙂

[Lavenderlassie]

I think it that card is a great idea Sally Annie, and probably not many people who are not BC themselves would think of it. Whatever kind of treatment you have, getting to the end of it is a time of taking stock, and taking a deep breath in before trying to "move forward".
And Notts gal I am stunned at anyone thinking that someone in their 40s
wouldn't mind the loss of a breast. But be glad of the compliment!

[sallieannie]

Thanks, queen of retail therapy! For some reason I got myself in a flap thinking it was a silly idea but you are right I should just do it! (I've got 4yrs to go too xx)

[Guest user]

Hi sallieanniie
I personally think its a lovely idea!
I plan on celebrating mine in a big way if I'm lucky enough to get there ( still almost 4 years away! ) ....I would definitely appreciate someone acknowledging the milestone
X