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well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

hymil
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Yeah, mastectomy AND chemo doesn't seem fair. You'd think it would be one or the other. And I love the mantra too 🙂

Lavenderlassie
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Elli, that is brilliant, you should patent it.

"They have a live to live, I have a life to save"

livlassie
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Elli

I hope it all goes okay. I have not had this op myself - lumpectomy,rads, hormones and bone mets discovered 3 weeks after lumpectomy and positive prognosis - bummer!!!

The mantra is a good one and please let us know how you get on.

ouisa x

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Aww thanks girls.

I have a wee mantra now. May or may not help me because I know it's not intentional, and I know that everyone is entitled to go and do nice things... I'm going to rationalise it with...

They have a life to live, at the moment I have a life to save.

Hopefuly that will help e keep a little perspective. I was ok about the mx till I got news it was to be followed by chemo... Now I just feel quite upset, all the time. It's hard trying to brave...lol

Eleanor xx

GIJaneH
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Hugs to you Elli...... people just live in their own little worlds - which is really hard when our world is crumbling..... hang on in there... I found the MX not anything like as bad as I'd feared.... Jane

hymil
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

I quite liked my boob but I very much hated/feared the cancer. So, instead of anxting the mastectomy itself (=bad), try and focus on getting rid of the cancer, countdown to "No More Cancer, Woohoo". How important is fotball against that, I do agree. 22 grown men playing with their balls, just. And getting paid for it. (Ooh, that will upset some fans, sorry!)

Fingers crossed for you, Elli, it's a tough week waiting. I did a cooking spree and filled the freezer while I was waiting.

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

I'm going for my mx on Thursday.

My friends are going to Liverpool on Friday, I had to pull out. Everybday on one friends Facebook page it says. " Liverpool.. 5 days woo hoo ... " or whatever the countdown is.

I just look it and my heart sinks with " mastectomy 4 days... Noooo "

That's probably me being over sensitive...

Flower20
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

oh yeah forgot to add- got the obligatory remark today " you've got a pretty face and a nice shaped head so you will be lovely when your hair comes out." Oh really i said, why did you not tell me to go for such a trendy (witchety )sp?) grub look before??????? nuff said x

Flower20
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Sadie- i'd just say it. Who cares what folk think.? Makes them feel a bit uncomfortable for a nanno second because they realise how stupid they sound. I'm going about saying I am looking forward to be 40th ( in three years) with relish. x

livlassie
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Sadie
I know - the silent scream when we have to listen to these sily things. I smile graciously and write them all down so i can have a giggle when i'm fed up. I'm also sure that i have, in the past, resorted to cliche when hearing news of illnesses. I could cringe whenever one of my awfully well meaning but crass phrases comes up on this thread.
As I've said before, I can forgive most of it but one day I will scream out loud at "Keep being positive" !
Louisa x

SadieL
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Standing round with a group of friends and everyone chatting about how much they are dreading being 50 years old!!! I wish i had the courage to say 'I just hope to make it to 50. I will be exceptionaly greatful and have a massive PARTY - you should all be grateful too!!!', but I just said nothing - why do we do that!!!!!

Sadie Xx Xx

tillycat
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

I have a lovely but completely batty friend who, when I had my reconstruction 6 years ago said that I had finally motivated her to getting the boob job she had always wanted ...... Err ok (?!)...... A few weeks after she had it done she asked me if I would like to come over for coffee 'and we can compare our new boobs'....... Err no thanks(!)....... Last month she told me that her implants were from that French company that were in the news a while ago (can't remember the name) and so she was going to have to have them replaced.  She asked me if mine were from the same company when I said no she said 'oh its alright for you, you wouldn't believe the nightmare I'm having with all of this' 
I said how sorry I was and how awful it must be.
Now I know she's a bit ditzy but I really sometimes wonder what planet she's on
I should add that she has said some very nice things in between times 🙂
Mx

lottie63
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Flower
No doubt the comments will keep on coming !!! hope people keep posting them its great to have a wicked sense of humour eh :0)

As they say laughter is the best medicine

Take care

Janice xx

Flower20
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

ohhh there have been so many crass comments from folk I am sometimes just left standing going " eh??"

another one: was on the phone to my friend giving her the low down on the drama of diagnosis and MX- all she could do was laugh and holler at the most inappropriate moments? Didn't know cancer turned you into a comedienne too.

i've just read the post about the prognosis dished out by the RAC man and the taxi driver. I am almost wetting myself with laughter !!! x x

lottie63
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Hi Flower
Had to just respond to your post, Your friends OH comment is just Classic... So sorry but I had to giggle and still am 🙂 thank god we still have a sense of humour eh,

If I had a pound for every time someone has said to me how well I look id be a very rich lady Kerching !!!

Latest one for me was ... After telling neighbour I had BC thats why at home now and head always covered in scarf/hat bless she thought I was just a cold morsel .. she replied well You,d never think it dear I cant believe your just standing here chatting to me as though theres nothing wrong with you .... Im sure people think we are just going to crumble , these posts keep me smiling.. unless they are downright tactless that is and most arent 🙂

Love to all x

Flower20
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

i have a few of crackers:

Neighbour ( some 10 years older than me - I am 37) goes out of her way to tell me how relieved she was after she went to breast clinic and there is nothing wrong with her and she is so happy her boobs are just in great nic! Not that I want anything to be wrong with her of course, but i just didn't want my face rubbed in it!!

friend's husband answers the phone and says he was sorry to hear my news and then went on to say " oh well, glad you are still here "!!!

if anyone says stay positive again i think I will throttle them.

funny, how all of a sudden i "look great"

also, when i put a picture on facebook, i seem to get all these "likes" and comments that never appeared before my BC was announced x

valos
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Another article in the Guardian which is very relevant to this thread!!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/22/serious-illness-things-people-say?INTCMP=SRCH

Val

laura64
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Soz wrong thread not with it tonight

laura64
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Clare I hope your ok I'm a lurker and do follow your post was a bit concerned you not posted hope y resting up Laura x

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Yesterday I had a wee virus, I was pretty floored. So my ex kindly came over with lunch for my daughter and some lucozade for me.

When he was leaving he said to Jemma... Look after your mum... Went into kitchen, came back out and said look after your mum... Then just as he was leaving he said... Now remember look after your mum... By this time my (our) daughter... A beautiful but stroppy teenager said ... Yeah ok dad, she's not dying... To which he replied...NOT YET...

There is a very good reason he is my ex... Just as well Jemma and I can laugh at it...

maude
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Hi everyone

I can relate to Elli's post on Friday 20th April about bossy friends (who mean well!). A few months after my dx and mx I had arranged to go for a walk with a friend of mine. It was a lovely winter's day - sunny and cold - so I knew I would have to wrap up well. She rang me and said she had decided that it was too cold for me to go for a walk! I said I had been looking forward to it and needed to get out for a few hours but she was adamant I couldn't go for that walk. I nearly said "I lost a breast not my brain so I am capable of making my own decisions". But I just decided to say nothing and I went for a walk on my own anyway and lived to tell the tale!

Love
Maude xx

lottie63
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

This is not at all well meaning just tactless - very annoying though ..Anyone else had similar !!! Astounded ...

Popped in to local newsagent for my morning paper, Man behind counter has not seen me since I lost my hair, with head to one side asks how I am and then proceeds to tell me his aunt had the same and went into her treatnment etc, she didnt loose her hair etc etc... then just as I was about to ask how she was he pipes up.. Shes dead now OF COURSE !! WTF ....

Exited with paper and bemused look on face... Im quite new into the BC regime will I get this often !!! some people

Love and hugs to all xx

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Grumpy, when that kind of remark happens, the only thing to do is fall about laughing.

During chemo I was spending some time with some swimming friends when one of them complained about having a "bad hair day". I just said "I know what you mean", rubbing my shiny pate, and we all fell about laughing.

Black humour is sometimes the only thing that gets us through.

grumpy
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Visitors just gone home after a lovely weekend......

I had a bit of a rant and a weep, and Dawn said 'Well it will do you good to get it all off your chest'

Cue hysterical laughter and a few more tears!!!!

Bless!!!!

grumpy ( and giggly)

superfit123
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Thanks Valos for the link to the Guardian article. It just summed up for me the way I have felt at many times through this experience.And very amusing too...
xx

DJ007
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

And of course, we are all incredibly brave as well!

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Ps, I'm hoping I look as pretty as the ladies I've seen on here... When my time comes..

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

When I was told I was getting chemo I was really upset... And it's all about vanity. Shallow as I am. However I came on this site and saw so many beautiful, glowing, very attractive bald ladies smiling back at me that I was actually incredibly reassured.

So I think you do have lovely shaped heads lol. Xx

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

All so true, so true.

Ninja, you have summed up precisely what it is that makes the "beautiful head" comment so objectionable. I hadn't actually figured out WHY I objected to the comment, but now you've finally helped me realise. Thank you.

So here I am still having Herceptin every three weeks, and the only comment I get is "so you're all done with that cancer stuff then," or words to that effect. Well actually, no, I'm not. And I DON'T have the "all clear" because there's no such thing. So I then get "oh you poor thing!" No (well yes, actually, because I haven't been earning) I'm not "poor", I'm just getting on with my life and don't need anyone's pity, just to make the pitier feel better!

I have to say, I tend to go for the education thing rather than nodding and smiling so I'm probably not the perfect "trophy cancer friend" that people can wheel out and talk about to others. But hopefully I'm able to show others that it IS tough but it CAN be got through, with a fair helping of luck and some good friends.

And I count all the BCCers among that last group.

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Funny how people think they can say what they like...

I am at the beginning of my journey so no doubt I'm in for a lot more insensitive comments...

Ninja
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

IMO the worst was definitely "you have a nicely-shaped head" - WTF??!

Do I pass comment on the shape of your buttocks/neck/wrist? No? Then please do NOT draw attention to my baldness.

rachy7
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

You are an inspiration has got to be one of the worst !

buddhawolf
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Well, where shall I begin?

Said to me when I confided that I had chosen (not at all willingly, I must say) to have Mx and recon with implant: 'Oh you're quite lucky - you'll be getting a great new pair of breasts out of this - you'll be like Brigitte Bardot!!' Said whilst breast feeding her new baby, with her perfectly intact breast. Double whammy - Mental & visual annoyance (pain!) delivered from the mouth of of friend. Er, anything involving BC = LUCK??? BTW, The implant has never felt or looked like a breast... and am now on waiting list for revision surgery - as it has contracture, too small an implant for my frame & the breast surgeon refused to swap a temporary expander for a permanent one!

Elli
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

I'm feeling like a class A bitch the now because my best friend is driving me mad... She would do anything for you and is really lovely, but suddenly feels it's important to actually boss me around. Obviously having bc makes you incapable of controlling your own situation... Just as an example... This morning I have hospital at 9am and the school run first... So I say " it's going to ba bit tight and stressful, my daughter will need to be on her toes" she replies with... " well your appointments are important and she'll just need to be ready, not go to school, call a taxi for her or get her dad to come for her... "

No one knows more than me how important my treatment etc is... Perhaps if I am helpless in a corner she will think I am taking it seriously.

Mibee it's just me but if this carries on I'm going to need to a find a very nice way to sort it out.

tillycat
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

I think her comment made me laugh so much that I relaxed, because the needle went in fine at the next attempt. So it was all good in the end :-))
Mx

hymil
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

That's so brilliant as you will notice she's not *actually* suggesting that you should slap the stupid woman round the face, but she clearly is acknowledging that's what you would both love to happen!

While also admitting she is not finding it easy to get the needle in today, although she struggles every time and the stupid woman would probably say she should be used to your veins by now!

keepthefaith
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Good for your chemo nurse! If only one could think up retorts like that on the spur of the moment! lol.

tillycat
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

The nurse at my chemo unit made me laugh today.
I was telling her that a mum at the school gate had said that I should be fine with getting injections etc because I must have 'got used to needles by now'
The nurse was putting in a cannula, it was difficult just like it always is. When I told her about this woman's comment she said ' did you suggest to her that if you slapped her round the face every week she might eventually get used to it'
Sounds like an excellent plan - maybe I should give it a go :-))
Mx

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Absolutely brilliant. And some of the replies are pretty good too, with more ridiculous things people say. I agree with her responses to a lot of things, but so much depends not on WHAT is said but HOW it is said. I think the kindest thing for both the sayer and the sayee is to respond in the spirit in which it was meant, and maybe do a bit of educating, even if that education is just "that's not a very good thing to say to someone who's really rather sick, but thanks for caring." (Or tell them to f*** off if they're just being nasty!)

Incidentally I looked at her picture and think she might be someone I used to know in a past life as it's not a particularly common name... how odd that would be!

valos
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Amusing article in Guardian G2 today on this subject by Deborah Orr

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/18/10-things-not-say-when-ill?INTCMP=SRCH

Val

livlassie
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

wintersocks and superfit123,I'm dreading losing mine cause i know my head has several scars and two big cysts! gonna be gorgeous!!!
Louisa XXX

superfit123
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Show off! Hair!!
c x

wintersocks
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

and mine, nearly!

superfit123
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Just like mine....

superfit123
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Then you will have a beautifully shaped head...
C xx

fhifhi
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Just found this thread. I am nearly 5 weeks post op so quite new to things. About to start chemo very soon.
Not read all but I just wanted to say that I'm so glad it's not just me that is getting fed up with peoples uninspired comments and advice. You really do just have to grin and bear them I think. We all know these people often mean well and in their position what would you say yourself ? There is no easy way to deal with the news of cancer.
I firmly agree though that whingers will not be tolerated any more by me. also folks who bring their problems on themselves-grr!
My personal hate comment right now is people telling how they know someone else who's gone through the same as me and they are fine now 6/8/ 10 years down the line....grrrrrr!
Oh and the "stay positive" things grates a bit.
I'll get a whole new gamut of things people say to me that I hate soon if I am unlucky enough to loose my hair....joy! :0))

livlassie
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

I can cope with pretty black humour about my cancer and feel that it is really empowering to chase the bloody thing away with rowdy laughter. Just can't bear people without cancer telling me that i need to be positive( i have bone mets )and keep fighting. I feel like fighting them!
Best wishes to you all, Louisa

ScaredOfChemo
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

Hehehe, Clare.

Did you get any? It IS a good deal....

Danigirl501
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

We are all sensitive and someone only has to look at us in the wrong way and we get defensive. Nobody can relate to us and what we go through unless they've walked a mile in our shoes! I quote a phrase from Lance Armstrong's book "I'm gonna kick this cancer in the butt and gonna win this fight". That my dear is positive thinking so don't be too hard on those who don't "understand" or even know what we must be going through when they say things like keep positive... Negative thinking kills. Kills your soul, kills your sense of humour.

The fight continues.

clare83
Member

Re: well meaning (but annoying!) things people say!!

OH just pointed out that the Coop have Timotei shampoo on special offer - buy 1 get 2 free. Ha ha