what is wrong with me
what is wrong with me Hi Girls,
I don’t know what the H*** is wrong with me today, feel as if I have had enough, don’t want, any more RADS, DRs poking me about, or people feeling sorry for me, I feel sorry for myself, that is enough, it takes me an hour there and an hour back each day to get to the hospital for my RADS, I fall asleep in the car as soon as I hit the seat, then am awake all through the night with hot sweats, and nightmares, I feel really depressed, and just feel I don’t want to go on, can’t afford to go out and treat myself, so sit at home waiting for my OH to come home from work, for company, he is fantastic, but I can’t tell him how I am really feeling, if I start to cry, I don’t think I will be able to stop, is depression another side affect of this B****** illness
Heatherellis
Hiya - know exactly how you feel. I can well remember driving to my rads, about the same distance as you, being “zapped” then having to drive back, that was soooo tiring. I always went the fast route there and then the pretty villagy way back, stopping off for a treat of a coffee and cake, shopping aswell if I felt awake enough. How many have you got to go? Any chance of taking a friend with you and going off somewhere nice afterwards sometimes - make an outing of it - pub lunches are good! Hang in there, you can do this.
Anne
I know how you feel! Hi Heather,
although I haven’t started rads yet I totally understand how you feel. I started chemo last month and that won’t be finished 'til oct, then I start rads and already I’m dreading the daily trip to the hospital. It is not particularly local and I reckon its gonna be a right headache. It was a real effort for me to go to chemo yesterday, I’ve just sooooooooo had enough! It was only No 3 so I’ve got a long way to go yet. Felt really sorry for myself when I got in. Told my OH I was feeling miserable and I didn’t really know why. He comes over to give me a cuddle and I promptly burst into tears! Once I started I couldn’t stop and his beloved Newcastle United top ended up being covered in mascara!
I defo think the emotional side of this illness can be very hard to get to grips with at times. I often feel like crying but feel I shouldn’t as that will only upset those around me. Treatment really takes its toll physically and mentally. I have always considered myself to be a very strong person but I must admit I too am struggling.
We all need to have a goal in mind for the end of our treatment I reckon. Something nice to look forward to. I’m gonna have to wait til christmas time for mine, then I think a nice holiday will be in order!
Take care and keep slogging away, however hard it gets. We WILL get through this terrible ordeal and will come out the other side much stronger than we could ever imagine.
Look after yourself and keep in touch,
Kelly
-x-
You are normal Heather -
who wouldn’t go through patches of depression going through all this. It does go on for a longtime and feel pretty relentless. I am only on my 4th chemo cycle and reached the’ I can’t go with this’ point last week. Spouse ended up taking the brunt as I spent a day being uberbitch before I could pour it all out. Anyway I felt much better after that. Do let your OH know how you feel - he must sense what is up. It may be possible for you to go out together at the weekend? Ian and I just took a ride on our local steam railway and had tea and cake - it was great just going out doing something different and didn’t cost much
I am dreading rads - far more that chemo because it is so everyday, there is no let up. I have a 40mile round trip fortunately a team of friends plus spouse are going to take me. even if someone could go with you occasionally it may help. You are so near the end of the treatment do hold on in there.
A thought another cheap treat - buy a nice face pack and give yourself a home pamper session in the afternoon . Warm bath and smelly candle nice book sort of thing- a little thing but I sort of felt cared for and relaxed after.
I know from your posts how brave and supportive you have been to others. Look after yourself remember you are allowed to feel fragile sometimes.
cyber hugs Swanie
SNAP!
Hi Heather
I don’t know how I would cope without this site. I finished rads today and have slept on and off all afternoon, not by choice, just can’t keep my eyes open.
Also have those ‘feelings’, the ‘I can’t go on’ ones which to be honest have really shocked me. I am definately usually a glass half full person but this wk has been an all time low for me.
Spoke to my Macmillan nurse today and she agrees I am depressed and we discussed medication but I am sure that if I had control of my life I would be happier.
I feel trapped by outside stuff, hosp and doc visits every day even sat and sun (need my infected cyst packing and dressing everyday). This is completly unconnected to BC but has been the straw that broke the camels back.
So I totally understand how you feel and you are not alone. Treating yourself is a good idea but not easy if you are skint. Spending time with friends or loved ones helps me can you do that? Mine have to come to me though as I am trapped with the daily visits thing.
Good luck
Irene
thanks girls Hi Girls
and once again thanks for all your support, I don’t think I would be able to cope if it wasn’t for this site, still very low, but know that when tomorrow comes I will be back at the hospital being zapped, a friend from work turned up at my door this afternoon with a voucher for a facial, from all the girls in the office, as you can imagine, I just burst into tears, frightened my friend to death, she thought she had upset me, what good friends I have, but I wish they could understand, that this does not end when the treatment ends, it will be with me for a long time too come, even my OH thinks that once I have had the last RADS (7 to go) every thing will go back to the way it was, oh I wish that was so, but as I’m sure you all are well aware it doesn’t, its just another mile along the road, I have never felt this low before in my life, just wonder why me ? I think I will ring my BCN tommorrow and have a chat with her, as I feel so out of control of my life, can’t talk to my sister as she has just come through Chemo and RADS after having a Mascetomy for agressive BC, what a C**** world we live in, sorry to go on, but I find writing it down, makes me feel a little better, on my own at the moment, as OH is in work on late shift, he is such a wonderful person, he changes his shifts so as to be able to come with me to the Hospital, and even comes out of work takes me, and then goes back to put his hours in, what a guy ? I am so lucky, cause since we met, he has had to put up with me when I was diagnosed with Cervical cancer in 1992 and now BC.
thats it now, no more whining today
thanks girls
I will be back, and in a better mood, soon
take care and hugs to all
Heatherellis
a message for Irene Hi Irene was just reading your post I know you are suffering financially I was wondering if you have applied for a grant from the mcmillan nurses. My BC nurse applied for me after my first chemo it was a wednesday and I got a cheque for £400 on the saturday so have a word with your nurse. I didnt even ask for it she told me I have also been reading the post about wigs I wonder why people are paying the NHS for a wig. mine was £150 but I got it free so I dont know why people are paying if you find out will you let me know. I do hope you start to feel a bit better soon Love LINDA X