Wow, how I admire you! In fact, I admire all of your coping so well with what you have been through, and are still going through.
I'm 4 weeks since WLE and SLNBs, not for chemo, seeing Oncologist in 3 days time, for 3wks + booster(s) and Tamoxifen. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I can see myself feeling like you, Clare, after just the first day!!! I do suffer with depression too and have a problem with such frustrations so I suspect I will be like a volcano on many occasions! 😉
You were so brave to vent so articulately (?) but I suspect it did you so much good. I will bookmark this thread for the times I need reminding that you all have been through it, and worse!
Thanks so much, all of you, for your support. It's amazing.
Wishing you all the best
Aww thanks all, and no elinda i was not upset by your comment, it was just the one comment that hurt and annoyed me and being told i have an attitude!! Nice! I know everyone else meant well and just wanted to get me back on track.
I am a happy bunny now, didnt think id ever get to the end but i did despite a few tears and tantrums.
I went out for a meal and to the theatre last night that my friends had arranged and paid for as my end of treatment treat and had a lovely time. My head is in a good space now, my life has been saved (hopefully) and i intend to make the most of it. I will do my utmost not to be brought down by the bad thoughts and intend not to stress about the little things in life
Anyway have waffled on now, best wishes to you all x
Well done, give yourself a huge pat on the back. You deserve it.
PWC got it completely right with the amputation comment. Having to go through any BC treatment is tough stuff and wobbles are almost inevitable. Next time you have to go to the hospital, give that car park barrier a mental middle finger and say "ha! You can't beat me that easily ! I am stronger than that!"
Well done Clare, Brilliant that you were able to finish your rads and better still that they are done now. Hope you are celebrating tonight (actually thinking back, I felt as though I ought to be pleased but was so shell shocked and shattered that the elation took a couple of days to register). Anyway, enjoy and well done you xx
Clare, Clare , Clare!!!
I was worrying that you'd decided not to finish your rads and werent going to come back in case we shouted at you!
I've got another 18 to go.....
Well done Clare. Expect to feel a bit flat and exhausted for a few weeks yet - but it does get better.
I am so pleased you were able to finish your treatment Clare.
I'm sorry if my posting was one of the ones you thought were harsh (I hope not).
I think the trouble with internet forums is never know the tone of messages. I honestly think that all the messages were sent with the right intentions but we're all only human and our personal frustrations sometimes get vented in our responses too (that's talking for myself).
Anyway, the main and most important thing is that you got through it all Clare and I hope you're going to do something nice to celebrate.
good wishes to all
I'm so pleased you've got passed the "I've done rads line" too!!
We all have wobbles at times when we least expect them, we wouldn't be human otherwise!!
Take care & enjoy your treat
Well done Clare and well said. I hope you have a treat planned to congratulate yourself on getting through this phase of treatment - you deserve it.
I think that being told "there's someone worse off than you" is belittling - in any situation. Would it be helpful to say to someone who had just had one leg amputated "you're not as badly off as a double amputee"?
So pleased for you Clare. I agree we all feel rubbish at different times and for different reasons, secondaries or no secondaries and this is the one place we dont have to put on a brave face.
I hope you had an extra big treat today!!
Four more to go for me, Im nearly there too.
Congratulations and well done Clare, and now you can rejoice in the fact that you can now put your feet up and enjoy your well-earned rest.
Thank you for the SUPPORTIVE comments.
I did carry on as i knew deep down i had to, had my last one today so im all done...yay me
I was having a very bad day and need to let off steam and vent. Harsh words to me didnt help me and I was quite upset that i was made to feel bad about it. Just because i dont have secondaries doesnt mean im not entitled to feel rubbish at times but hey ho its over now and i got through it.
Going to rads appointment is a real pain but it's only for 3 - 5 weeks of your life.
I had to face a 2 hour journey each way to radiotherapy or leave my home and husband and go and stay with relatives so I could be a bit closer to the hospital and I chose the latter. Even then it wasn't easy as on the day of my last rad there was very heavy snow and no public transport running but luckily my brother took time off work to get me there.
I had a treat after every single rads session. I went to a nice cafe and had a nice cake and a latte. It helped me to feel normal again after being zapped.
Will an extra 3 treatments make a difference? That's hard to know isn't it but this treatment is well researched and so the number of treatments you're booked in for will be the optimum number.
Put it this way, if you're having 15 treatments and you miss 3 then you're actually missing 20% of your rads treatment. Not such a small amount then.
It's good to rant on here and I really hope it's helped and you are carrying on.
take care and remember it's nearly all done.
Hi Clare, you know you've got to do it and you know you should do it, but that doesn't make it easy to actually do it. With my first tax chemo I had a big allergic reaction and it took every ounce of courage I had to go back for the second cycle, but you will be so proud of yourself when you look back and know you did it even though it was so hard. Hang on in there and vent on here when you need to xxx
I hope you managed today and now only have two to go.
Wishing you all the best
Oh yes please do the last 3 rads. It may make all the difference. Just make yourself go, its only 3 after all, some people have far more to get through. I know its tough, and sometimes the waiting is horrible, but JUST DO IT!!!! chris xx
Hang in there Clare - just 3 to go! Saturday morning you will hopefully wake up relieved - no more traveling for rads!
I finished yesterday and although I was lucky with getting early morning appointments, living close to the hospital and fortunately easy parking - I did have down days and for some strange reason felt quite stressed by the rads ... Maybe it was the having to lie still?
One thing you could do is give your hospital some feedback of your experience of the trial, things may improve for others in the future.
You can do it - it's the last short stretch!
Aww hun, poor you. Jobs worth's are so flipping aggravating aren't they - it just isn't necessary, and IMO your jobs worth is definitely in the wrong job, perhaps Prison Warden would suit him better!
I know when you waken in the morning you will have changed your attitude and be thinking more rationally, bad experiences mar our logic, and you had every right to feel peed off. Dust yourself down Clare and remember today is a new day. Go for it girl, or to be more precise go for the last three, you know you can. And look at it this way the next three days can't be as bad, can they?
Good luck, and I do know you'll make those appointments.
Hugs, Libby xxx
Clare I found radiotherapy ok although I was tired with the chemo, but I too dreaded the last three. I don't know why I just has a rare tearful 'I feel sorry for me' session. I went on each day thinking I can't do this but once I was in the waiting rom it was ok.just the odd teardrop to tickle my nose when I couldn't move.
Hold on in there gal...you have come this far, it would be silly to waste the effort and have worry and possible regret.
Big empathetic Hug
If they thought that 12 sessions were enough for you Clare then they would only have booked you 12 in the 1st place so go for gold and get those other 3 done - you owe it to yourself.
Maybe after number 15 you could leap over the barrier in triumph just like the Wimbledon champion does over the net? Mind you maybe crawling under the barrier might be easier!!!
Good luck and look forward to you telling us that you did all 15!
You're right, parking for rads, ending up late for rads, having machines break down and sometimes - seemingly randomly - waiting ages day in, day out were a total grind and hideously frustrating.
My onc told me though that we should never underestimate the power of rads and that they were perhaps the most powerful weapon in the armoury against bc, even though as they seem quite old fashioned compared to some other techniques we might not appreciate what they are doing to help us fight recurrence.
The rads dose is carefully calculated and split up into fractions over how ever many days so that by the end of the course we have the amount needed to fight any stray bc cells.
It seemed horrible at the time but I would do it all again in a heartbeat and it has all but faded from my memory now, much as I hope bc does. Please stick with it, you are so close to reaching the end and it really does matter to complete the course xx
Parking was a real pain for me whilst I was having rads. Most of my appointments were at half three in the afternoon - bang on visiting time! I used to factor in an extra 30 minutes onto my travelling time so that I wouldn't stress out whilst trying to find a parking spot. I also used to visualise a parking spot as I drove and on many occasions managed to park opposite the main entrance to the hospital.
There were many times when I thought about stopping treatment, during chemo and during rads. Thankfully I am not a quitter.
I would not miss any rads if I were you. You treatment is tailored to your specific needs. I use public transport to get to thhe hospital as I cannot see well enought to drive. You have to leave earlier but no parking problems.
Oooo I remember my other half waiting so long in the que for the car park that I actually got out before he got parked sometimes! Even though they gave out special passes and Oncology patients had a seperate car park!!
Find out who DOES run the car park and let them have it full blast - let the PALs at the hospital know too, you'll be doing all the other patients a favour.... and while you're at it get back on that slab and finish your treatment!
Just do it xxxx
I went for all my rads (20 in all) and still got a reoccurence in less than a year.
Don't tempt fate by missing the last 3.
I would go through it all again if necessary.
Please consider that the last 3 are probably boosters to your tumour site and are as important as ALL the previous 12.
Yes we all throw our toys out the pram but we are all here for you and want you to get to the end of your treatment.
Good luck for the next 3 rads, you've done the real hard work already and CAN do them.
Radiotherapy absolutely knocked the stuffing out of me and I was so fatigued that my sense of perspective went completely out of whack and all sorts of things upset me - things that would be mild annoyances previously became a really big deal!
I totally know where you are coming from with your feelings about your experiences at hospital today.
That said, like other people who have posted here, I hope you go back and finish the course.
I sympathise with you entirely - those irritating delays and car parking problems are the last thing you need - but I must agree with what the others have said. Stick with it, that total dose of 40 Grays is an important factor in making sure your BC doesn't return, so don't skip the last few.
I hated the whole rads process, not because it was difficult or painful, but just because I wasn't in control of the process and felt like a slab of meat on that treatment table. And the fact that so many other women have to go through much worse treatment didn't make me feel any better, in fact it made me feel like a spoilt brat for complaining!
Clare, of course you arent being pathetic. You are the only person I know who is having two zaps each day, having to wait in between. At least once my zap is over I get to go home, but even then I have ranted about the parking. All fighting for spaces only to discover the car park is full of staff, with a notice that says 'patients only'!
You absolute CAN do it, you are nearly there now and we are all willing you on!
Big big hug. The small things can break us at times.
You know you'll be back there tomorrow and the next two days. Now blow your nose, pick up those toys you threw out and go get a good night's sleep.
Lots of love and all the best for the rest of rads,
Hang on in there and draw the line under treatment. I appreciate the being tired and at the end of your tether though. xxx
We do. I hated rads. Burnt badly. Got an infection which needed treatmant from quite a while. I now have some nast scaring. Clare, I would hate to see you posting on the secondries threads in a few years time, with the knowledge that you had given up on treatment over a carpark barrier.
Definitely arrange something NICE for the day after your last treatment, and look forward to that, rather than worrying about the little things that just grow and grow until they're massive obstacles (like the car park barrier). We all have melt-downs over the most ridiculous things, so don't feel bad about it, but acknowledge it and move forwards.
You are not pathetic Clare, we all have bad/down days. I know I have and a few times I've wanted to give up on treatment, so you hang on in there, so near to the end of rads. x
Well that put me in my place!
Apologies if i have offended anyone, didnt intend to take anything away from the ladies that are of course in a much worse position than me, im just having a down day when everything gets on top of you and yes im having a little rant....im so pathetic i know, but some days you just need to vent when it gets too much.
What an attitude?
If only some of the ladies here just had problems with car park machines. No, some are facing a terminal diagnosis and would love a row over a ticket than having to deal with their illness.
You decide. Sounds like you already have.
I guess i would prob feel dissappointed with myself a little but if im going to get a recurrence im going to get one?
Hang on in there. I had 3 extra boosts after my 15 zaps and it made a HUGE difference. Only 3 to go, plan something nice for yourself as a reward. Book a manicure, have a nice meal. Something to look forward to. I felt really tired towards the end of my treatment. And drained So I know how you must be feeling
I know im probably just throwing my toys out the pram and may feel differently tomorrow but have had such a crap day at hosp today, looooong delays for both machines, felt soooo tired and achy. Eventually got seen. Then had issues with ticket ive been given wouldnt work in the machine and jobsworth at customer service wouldnt lift the barrier so had to traipse back to hosp reception only to be told carpark nothing to do with them. Not the first time this has happend and im so peed off with it. Dont need this rubbish on top of everything else!
Have done 12 out of 15 days and really cant face going back, would it really make much difference missing last 3?