Ever since my diagnosis, then mastectomy, then recovering, then attending appointments to discuss further treatment, where i have tried to be sensible, a “brave soldier”, tried to be intelligent and informed. I have been positive all through this. I have never termed myself “a survivor” as I feel that offers the possibility I may not have been.
But tonight, I am consumed with undefined anxiety about my forthcoming radiotherapy, not about the process, but an overwhelming feeling of what happened to me over the last few weeks. Has everything just caught up with me? Does any anyone else feel like this at times?
Yes - I cried during my radiotherapy planning session and several times during the sessions - it was like everything caught up with me - not sure why but I think radiotherapy made me feel quite vulnerable and the few minutes of aloneness when the radiographers left the room fed into that .
you wouldn’t be human if it didn’t hit you from time to time - my GP said to me at the time “ you can’t underestimate the impact of being faced with your own mortality “ .
I never felt anything like that during my treatment in fact I felt ‘safe’ during it all - those feelings you describe came to me once all my treatment had ended.
The nurses were always lovely with me very professional but extremely understanding I would lie there with my eyes closed and wait for them to say ‘ok you are done for today’ they made me feel relaxed (as relaxed as you can be) lying there
I did not think of the long term effects of the treatment I just wanted to complete all the sessions 15 in total with a 9.00 pm start and then head for home (I always kept that vision of home in my head) it comforted me.
I never felt a thing during my treatment (lucky perhaps) but I never feared going to my appointments, the place was busy but cheerful.
Hopefully, once you have been and seen how it all works you will feel a little less stressed -it is a little daunting when you first walk into the room but they help put you at ease and you will soon get used to the ‘set-up’. I used to wear whacky hats which they said ‘brightened their day’ nice to know I have my uses.
The whole ordeal is a roller coaster, I think I just went with the flow through it all (I did not want to analyse any of it) wrong maybe, but there was nothing I could do outside to get through it all and retain some sense of being I live alone so I worked very, very hard to make sure I did not dwell cannot remember how many TV Christmas films I watched along with other rubbish but it felt better than screwing up my head - we are all different, it’s what works for you.
Wishing you lots of luck for tomorrow, I was extremely stressed when I had radiotherapy, however for me it was the easiest part of my treatment……finger crossed all will be well for you.
As you said everything has caught up with you, this is another step to take, hopefully the last one.
I can really empathise with the feeling of being overwhelmed. I am sure that it hits us all at some time during the process. Mine was on the day of surgery. I think for me my diagnosis meant I wasn’t in control, and living alone with no dependents meant I had always felt in control of my life. The last few months have been so different!
Good luck for today. I hope you have a good experience of RT. I finished mine last week and so far have had no side effects although I know I may still get some. It was far less scary than I thought it would be and the staff were so friendly and kind.
Yes, you’ve put your finger on it. You’ve been through the mill, physically and emotionally, and the hospital will have tended to the physical needs vey well but they are cancer-focused and maybe not so great on the emotional side unless you have a brilliant bc nurse as I did. Also owing to the pandemic, many hospitals have pared down their support services to leaflets and wigs which doesn’t help either. Do you have access to a Maggie’s Centre because you can get support there. Breast cancer can feel very isolating and leave you feeling very vulnerable so it’s good to be able to tak to someone who understands, not a friend who will want to fix you.
You don’t need to be a brave soldier. That may come from childhood or from the battle analogy used s often. Personally I think that sets us up to fail. We are all human beings who will try our best but not always be up to the challenge in as tough a way as we’d like. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are bound to have good phases and less good phases - you’re human.
I found radiotherapy a doddle after chemotherapy, the hardest part being the daily visits. The first session is the most difficult because you have to be passive and let them shift you about. They find the right positions, which are then lightly tattooed for future alignment. After that, you just strip and assume the pose. It takes 5 minutes tops, unless you fidget. I was distracted by stickers of sea creatures - I was on the machine used for children! Mild fatigue and a bit of itching two weeks later was as bad as it got. Keep moisturising your scar and the treatment area (don’t forget your back - it goes through) and use a non-oily cream like Aveeno or Aqueous which my hospital gave to me but you can buy over the counter and through Amazon. For an anti-perspirant, get a crystal deodorant stick. You just moisten the tip and rub. It contains nothing that would interfere with radiotherapy and lasts forever (I’m still using the one I bought in 2005 and it’s barely reduced in size). Health shops like Holland & Barrett sell them.
A breast cancer diagnosis turns your world upside down and removes your sense of safety. Feeling overwhelmed at times is natural. Let the tears come if you can. Ring the nurses here to talk about it - they run a wonderful service. And forget the brave soldier. Forget the brave. You just do your best because there’s not much choice and it will most likely save your life.
