Recently diagnosed. Surgery in 2 weeks. My daughter lives away not back till Christmas time. I would like to tell her face to face but know how she’ll be hurt if I don’t tell her before surgery. It means telling her by phone.
Do I tell her just a few days before surgery or next week. Don’t know what to do, she’ll worry so much when I tell her.help!
I had to tell my youngest son by phone as he wasn’t living at home. I had hoped to tell him the following week when I saw him but he rang me for a general chit chat and was asking how me and dad were and I just couldn’t lie to him.
He was upset of course but we told him all we knew at that point and that we would keep him updated and be totally honest and that he wasn’t to worry and to speak to us if he was. It’s never easy to tell your children but having been on the receiving end where my mum kept her illness from us I swore always to be open with mine if it ever happened to me.
They cope better than we think! Xx
I agree with Jobey, they do cope with it just the same as we do! I think I would preface the conversation with
“Are you sitting down? Only I have had a bit of bad news…”
Please try not to worry, I have had surgery, chemo, radiation & Herceptin and although I often felt a bit rough I am still here. Just ask about anything you want to know and one of us will try to support you.
Sometimes the support is best from those that have been there and had the experiences but at other times you need people that are just as bewildered and afraid as you are now. It helps to know that you are not alone so make full use of this site xxx
I totally sympathise with you, as my greatest concern was telling my children (both in their 20s), especially as my daughter has issues of her own to deal with.
You don’t say anything about your BC, but I told my children that I had been told that mine was early and treatable, and until I had any evidence to the contrary that was what I was dealing with. They took it really well, and very much took their lead from how I was reacting. I also reassured them that I was going to be completely honest, so that they didn’t worry that I was hiding stuff from them.
All the best x
Of course you want her to be happy, saying or doing anything that we know is going to upset our children Is an alien concept as we strive to protect them from everything and I felt enormous guilt landing this on them but it wasn’t my fault anymore than it is yours and I didn’t have any choice.
My boys were brilliant and wanted to know what was happening and to support us as did their partners, we simply cannot protect them from everything. Xx Jo
If her boyfriend’s there at the moment, I would tell her now over the phone. If you put it off she will have real issues trusting you later on and will always be worrying you are hiding things from her and are worse than you are telling her.
I agree with pretty much everyone else in that you should tell her now. She’ll not forgive you if you don’t tell her for 2 months. Just tell her exactly what you know and that she doesn’t need to come back because you’re fine and being treated well and that you’ll keep her informed as you find out results etc as you go along.
Both times I was diagnosed we told the kids straight away. 1st time they were aged between 6-16 and we told them altogether and answered any questions (including “are you going to die” from the youngest, to which the answer was no). 2nd time this year they are obviously a lot older, between 19-29 and they all got told on the phone cos three don’t live at home and the one that does was staying at his girlfriends. I think how you present it makes a difference to how they take it. I didn’t make a huge deal of it and just presented the facts as we knew them. They all took it fine.
Good luck with it.
I can and do understand what you are saying Albalex, and the absolute quandry you are in (and how hard it would be if she placed extra pressure on you by not coping, and the responsibility you feel). So how about this - can you find out from her boyfriend if he is able to postpone his trip away ? Are you able to contact him and speak to him first, before her ?
I also agree with the previous two posters, it is how you present it to her. She has had to deal with the death of her father, and you know all too well that (I’m guessing) that didn’t go well at all - infact it sounds like it might have been hell for you both. So, with that background in mind, clarity to her - that this isn’t the same situation, that the chances are very high that your treatment will be effective etc. and as was said below don’t make too ‘big a deal of it’. (Even though for you it is clearly a massive worrying deal!)
Passtamissus I also agree with. A few times in my life my sister has kept important information from me, about the health of other family members, and it is really really hurt me. She did it because she thought it was the right thing to not put more pressure on me, at a time when I was dealing with other things that were draining, but I felt worse having not been told.
Ultimately you and your partner will make the decision, based on your knowledge of the situation (which we only have a snapshot into). Maybe you feel right now that her anger at not being told is less to deal with than the possibility of her meltdown being told now? Your choice entirely, but I do think that if she has a partner she lives with, and she is 25, it is down to others around her to try and support her through this.
Adding a few links for you here…
Ok, look, now this leaflet deals with telling children, and there is a part about teenagers. I know its not relevant in the sense that your ‘child’ is an adult, but it sounds like you are in a situation where you fear her reaction might be more like that of a younger person. I just wondered if you could find some good information on it, that could apply in your concerned state. Obviously you’d have to ‘up scale’ things for her age - for example you can’t go running to her school teachers, but you could alert someone at the university ?I think the very first point on this leaflet is applicable to all children, no matter what the age…
And another on the same theme…
Last one…LOL…
That is a very Good point about how you deliver the news, we were positive and factual not hysterical, that side of things we did keep from them, children are like dogs in that respect, if we don’t panic then they won’t! We saved our tears and worry for when we were on our own to talk about things and not in front of the boys.
My sister has suffered with anxiety amd depression all her adult life yet she is a tower of strength when it comes to other people’s issues, her own son has anxiety and she is brilliant at coping with him.
I know I keep saying it but this is the reality of grown up life , she is going to face all sorts of things she would rather not over the years. Xx Jo