Can’t forgive myself for my diagnosis

Hi, I wonder if anyone could give me some advice on how to move forward. In January 2021 I saw a rash on my breast. On examination I could feel thickening and there was a pucker. I knew instantly it was cancer, but did wonder if the rash was an infection. I drove myself down to A&E, and was booked into the breast clinic the next day, had lots of scans etc. Surgeon looked at results that evening. Three days later, I had biopsy, was told it was cancer. PICC line the next week, 5 months of chemo, mastectomy. It was in 4 lymph nodes. I had complete chemo response in breast and partial response in lymph nodes (they had shrunk to very tiny). I am a mum and I can’t forgive myself for getting me to my cancer stage. I relied too much on the routine mammograms. I didn’t check myself. I accept that it wasn’t my fault I got cancer, but it was my fault that it got to that stage. What kind of a mother am I? If I end up stage 4 and die from this, I will go to my grave torturing myself, because thats what I did for my son. Granted, I acted instantly on finding it (surgeon and nurse reckon I shaved about 4 weeks off of the start of treatment than if I had gone to through GP route, and I accepted extra scans post mastectomy (you don’t routinely get offered them if 3 nodes affected I was told by nurse), and I also consented to extra radiotherapy to sternum following good trial results from the USA - again not routine in UK for 4 lymph nodes. So I am trying to make up for my shortfalls. I’m also worrying far too much about recurrence - it is taking over my life and spoiling the good times - although no one knows this … I hide it very well. I have had counselling, and it was excellent and worked for about 8 weeks, but my head eventually took over that.

I’m sure Im not the only one to have this guilt and fear. As I say, any advice would be gratefully received. Thank you for reading.

Hello Landgirl, just read your post. Having had my biopsy just last Friday after callback from routine mammogram (await treatment plan etc), if I am honest, I have asked myself if, when I saw my left nipple start to (what I thought was) invert last September, I should have gone to the doctors rather than do a bit of Googling, oh it’s probably nothing. But I didn’t, it was found during a routine mammogram … lucky really as if the appointment hadn’t happened, I probably would have done nothing until I got one or until the lump grew big enough for me to feel. 
With you, you saw the rash and after a “feel” went straight away. I would say “well done you” frankly, you were savvy enough at a frightening moment to take the correct action and since then you have undergone every treatment you have been offered. Again, well done you.

Fear, yes, cancer is still a scary word although the treatment now is superb. The other side of the coin is that now you are in the system, so to speak, you will get regular checks and that will give you the best chance of anything further being spotted and dealt with. As for guilt, it’s quite hard to be rational with emotions and to be fair, I don’t have kids. You say you didn’t regularly check yourself but it isn’t always possible to detect changes (I never found my lump). Going for the regular mammograms IS being careful - I have met plenty of women who don’t go because “they hurt”, “it’s embarrassing “ or “I would rather not know”. 
I have no idea how old you are but for me, at 60, I look back over my past and yes there are things I might have done differently. But the only thing we have is the present. Right now. And we have no way of predicting the future. I don’t know how old your son is but the two of you are together in this thing called life and every day is a bonus and there to be enjoyed as much as possible. Buddhists (of which I am one) believe that “living in the present” is the best way to achieve peace and happiness and whilst it’s fair to say that only the Buddha himself achieved this nirvana, all the rest of us can do is try. 
I don’t know if anything I have said is helpful and I bet you might continue to wake up in the night in a bit of a panic saying what if? I do, frankly. For me … if I die, where will my darling cat think I’ve gone (yes really, I worry about that)? But then I go … no, look out of the window, ooh those birds are building a nest, what do we need from Tesco? And I say to myself, no drifting now, make every day count. And keep saying it. Enjoying the coming summer with your son, try as hard as you can not to worry about the what ifs, and put that guilt in the bin where it belongs. Chances are, this summer will just be the first of many more x

@landgirl  Hello - I’ve not read all the posts yet but yours caught my eye.

The guilt is terrible isn’t it but it really isn’t our fault that we got ill.  I’m also a mum and felt so awful and guilty for inflicting my breast cancer diagnosis & treatment on everyone.  I want to be there for my kids and protect them not expose them to the fall out of a cancer diagnosis. 
However, there’s not much we can do - it is how it is.  The main thing is making the most of each day, being thankful for small mercies & remaining positive (or meddling with our brains that we can be optimistic of no reoccurrence).    
it all takes time…… time to digest, time to think over, time to get better, time to mend physically & mentally and time to just enjoy being once again.

Wishing you all the very best in this journey.