Sorry for the lack of communication from me, waiting for results can be a bit of a *ugger at times! Although I wasnt stressing (too much!) its still there in the background and you don't want to say anything either positive or negative. Anyway the results are in, and we can reveal (drum roll) that I'm still stable - hooray. No liver mets are visible on the CT so the op and recovery from the op last year have all been worth it. Buys me a bit more time, which is always a plus. I'm staying on fulvestrant which is by far the easiest treatment I've had even though it means a double injection - one in each buttock - every 4 weeks. So a big sigh of relief and carry on carrying on as us secondary ladies say.
Onto your posts. Lily, it doesnt sound surprising that your Mum is reacting this way after how you have described her behaviour over the years. What a shame she can't see all the hard work you do for her and stop thinking of herself so much. She will really notice all you do when (if) you have your op and literally can't get to her for a few weeks. Maybe it's better she gets on with it all now! It's so sad she is like this, I'm assuming this wasn't always the case and was after your Dad died? I think you do need to stick to your guns though and although you don't want to 'burden' your daughters I'm sure they will all be more than willing to listen and help you if you don't feel you want to share with your Mum. Poor you.
Carole, as always January is such a difficult month. Not much going on and normally very dull weather. I'm trying to get out more for walks, which took a bit of a backseat at the end of last year after my Dad died as I was always off to see my Mum and didn't have time for myself - which is important for all of us to do. We've so far managed 2 pretty good walks, not too long as I realise I can't keep going without a break in the middle to rest my weary legs and hips. Maybe force yourself to get out each day, although you probably do this already with the dogs. Hope Mr P is back soon so you are not too lonely. God only knows what Brexit will bring but I can understand your anxiety and the uncertainty of it all. If only there could have been more give and take when negiotations were taking place as it will affect EU nationals living here as well as UK nationals living abroad, all of whom would like to know what's going to happen.
Lisa, how are you? Busy, busy since going back to work I expect. I hope you find an eating plan that works for you, that you can continue with whilst you are on your many holidays and nights out ha ha. They're the difficult times arent they. At home you can just buy what you should be eating and not have any tempting things in the house. Outside its a whole new world!
Enough from me. Happy January, I'm smiling at least
Hello, hope you had a nice weekend.Carole after seeing Greece and even Algeria with snow, I think damp and cold might be the best you can hope for. So many avalanche warnings for skiers, it looks a dangerous time to visit some parts. Its not particularly cold here for January. In fact I haven't even looked for a scarf (sorry Lisa, you might be a touch colder) yet. Some nippy mornings thta's all so far. Plenty of time yet of course. Yes it must be a worry about Brexit. I have had several people tell me they are taking up citizenship where they live, so I think a lot of people have concerns. The unknown is often more worrying than when you actually know what you are dealing with. That links with how I am feeling about this new condition so I will be going to the dr. I have had quite a lot of stabs and odd feelings to make me feel that I could have an emergency. That's probably a little dramatic but I think my slight chest infection with a deep cough has not done me any favours. I had a temperature for a few days and felt under the weather and woke up ticking like a little watch being wound up, but seems to be almost over today. I have a small nag about my knowledge that our treatments increase risk of other conditions so ought to get it checked. probably be a long wait anyway but hoping to be reassured before planning a holiday. My current hope is that its minor and easily fixed, just needing me to be brave and go. So I will. Carol your description of the less she does, the worse she gets accurately describes my situation. I ahve had to grow a thicker skin or I would be crying after most visits. I hate to worry my girls, so mum would be the person I go to for a little tlc and to boost me to do things. Not easy when theperson closes their eyes so they don't have to see you and hangs up on you. Or the new thiung, not answering at all leaving me worried. I did nothing and didn't go over. Later got a call from one of my girls who she had told she had really wanted to see me but I didn't go. Its a game I'm not willing to play. Today she demanded I went over and did everything because she'd told the carer to pack and leave. I said I can't come, bang went the phone. Carer didn't know anything about it when I rang her but they had a small row about trying to get to the commode safely. She also told me today she could no longer ring anyone and pretended she could not open her inhaler (which she did not need). Craol I obviously need you to sort mine out too. Do you think they are related??? You are spot on with your observations, sadly for both of us. Nicky hope your mum continues to make more effort than ours are. Have you managed to keep away from the nasty colds that are around? With a toddler around, you often come in contact with more bugs. Have you news of your scan, that is one thing that has been on my mind. Please let me know when you can, fingers crossed as always for continuing stability.
Lisa how are you feeling now? Have youshaken off your cold yet? Mine has no runny nosejuyst lower in the throat. I need some encouragement on diet so tell me your triumphs to inspire me to start. You always do so well over the first month and I think maybe realising and planning for that slower progress in month 2 might help you get to where you want. Good luck. BTW Carol latest news apparently is that its healthy to have a high carb diet with lots of fibre. They just keep changing theri mind don't they. Love Lily xx
Morning, it's damp, cold and very grey here. What is it like for you? I really hate these type of days so roll on some sunshine. Nothing much new this side of the water, except my Brexit worries continue as it's impossible to get an appointment with our prefecture (like council office), I am not alone as I belong to a group who discuss their issues.
Lily sorry that your mum is causing problems, I think it's power for the course unfortunately. We found with our Mum that the less she actually did and had everyone doing everything for her, the less she wanted to do so in the end became completely dependent on others (or lazy!). Even simple things like changing channels on her TV "she couldn't work it out" so gave up until someone did it for her. We had, and still have, a problem with knowing what was true or untrue and made up for the hell of it to cause us more distress. This hasn't changed even in her nursing home. Is your Mum eating ok? This is still a big problem with our Mum, she complains nothing is cooked how she likes it so won't eat. She seems to have no hunger - but I think this is often a problem linked to dementia. Hope it gets better for your peace of mind.
Lisa sounds like you've been hit by a winter virus, I always found breathing steamy water quite good, especially with some tiger balm or vicks in the water. I decided to do low carb as I've heard a lot of good things about it. The idea is that you eat very few carbs but more meat, protein and fat. The fat and protein is meant to keep hunger away and fill you up longer. I've actually gained a kilo in the last week so it is obviously not working for me.
Nicky how are you doing, any news yet on results?
Well that is it for now, keep warm and bug free XXXXX
Hi everyone, sounds like we all enjoyed Christmas and the New Year celebrations. Craol you have reminded me about my need to see Barcelona, it looks incredible. The GP sounds so glam and I am surprised as I've asked Victor loads of times about going but he says he doesn't want to, otherwise I might have seen you there one day. I think he's just lazy about the effort to arrange it. You know I always have to get a plan to get him on holiday. No doubt he will be using my problem as a reason to not do anything, so this camel might need to het her head out the sand, to save future holidays!!! Carol my daughter uses a lot of people for her animals and when you find a good one its such a relief to be able to relax when away.
Nicky please let me know when you get your latest results, you know I like to keep up with you. I will have fingers crossed as always but I think you probably have a good idea from how you feel. Such a lovely peaceful spell for you, long may it last. Your visits over the festive season sounded lovely and I will get to see the LOndon fireworks one day but I gather its incredibly busy if you want to be in a prime spot. We also have a lack of trains after about 11pm so rubbish to come back after an event.
Lisa, sorry you have a bug and hope it passes soon, take multi vitamins and anything else that helps you get through. I did laugh when you said you were cutting back and then listed a line of events. Ha ha don't ever change! Mum is back now and causing me a lot of grief as she thinks she is lady muck, just lying down and doing absolutely nothing to help herself or get her independence back. Im worn out from trying to talk her round as she is as stubborn as a mule, so it will be her own fault if she gives up a lovely independent house and life for a wheelchair and nappies. So frustrating as she can walk a little and needs to build up gradually. Her carer is nice but just turns the heating up to maximum (seriously over 30 C and the electric heaters on too) and lies on her bed on her phone grrrrr. No idea which one I need to get tough with, seeing as mum can be a master manipulator at times and no idea what the truth is. I had a good talk to both of them and had to do exactly the same, next day after.Sending my straight talking brother in to sort them out.
Well better buzz off as struggling to get up early in the morning after a long holiday. Are you the same LIsa? Love Lily xxx
Hi all, hope everyone has had a nice weekend xx
ive been hit with sinusnpain and a saw dust throat and large glands, worst of it is I'm sooo tired, never been so tired so glad it was a quick 2 day working week, back to full on tomorrow and Lily it might be your first day back 😕. I've not much planned this year as have some money issues so need to stop enjoying myself until I get sorted, that's single house owner life for you lol. End March 4 nights for friends hen party in Tenerife, can't say no as I'm maid of honour but I did manange to get it for under £200 and it's Easter hols so good hunting , then Florida in May Day after friends wedding. Then big save up for parents golden wedding and 70th birthdays ....
Carole, how come you are on low carb diet? I struggle without carbs i get headaches whenever I try xx
Lily, glad you've told family and feel free to express your fears here, it's hard when been op free for so long and a choice thing (in a way).
Nicky, your New Year's Eve sound perfect, how lovely. Well fingers crossed for results and look forward to hearing your holiday plans 👍👍.
well watched dancing on ice so off for a cuppa before bed, no wine for me, gained 10lb in 3 weeks as been away and Xmas and went to town, so liver and guts getting a wee rest and hopefully can reverse any damage or this bridesmaid dress is going to be let out, seen as I ordered a size smaller in my madjesty 😤😤
Hi and HAPPY NEW YEAR dear Buddies and thank you all for being here for me in 2018, long may our thread continue.
We had a very quiet, but lovely Christmas Day, Mr P, YD and myself plus the 2 pups. We had video chats with the children in UK, and grandchildren (has to make do). Then a very quiet NY, none of us was awake at French midnight. The fireworks looked amazing and watched via TV.
Yesterday was Aero's first birthday, he didn't have a party lol but was wished a nice day and both pups had a special dinner!
YD flew to Paris early yesterday morning from Toulouse, which is why we were all in bed before midnight. I was a bit worried about her going to Paris as there have been lots of demonstrations recently, however, she got there ok and is staying with a friend on the outskirts. Then back here for the weekend before going back to work next Monday. She was on ABs over Christmas for having bronchitis. The joys of working with young children she seems to have been hit by lots of germs, and headlice
Nicky your NY and Christmas sounded lovely, especially for you seeing GS and how lovely to be there to see the fireworks, well some of them at least. Yes you're right, Brexit is a worry although France's interior Minister has said Brits will keep their rights they have a present, as long as it's the same for French expats in UK. We do have to apply for a card, like a residents card and these are dealt with by each department's "council" equivalent. The problem we have is our department is not giving out appointments. I'm adopting a wait and see attitude as I'm sure after Brexit - deal or no deal - things will become clearer. I wish you good results when you get them, you are amazing and keep active so I'm sure your scans will be good.
Lily thank you for putting yourself first for a change. Don't be scared about the operation and don't worry about them poking around with your bits, you'll be asleep so won't know ha ha. I think a live in carer for your Mum is a good idea, at least for a few weeks and perhaps it's a good idea when you have your op too. Not for you but your Mum, so whilst you are recovering you know your Mum is being cared for? What do you think about Nicky's suggestion of a care home?
Lisa how are you now has your cough gone? I saw that you've over indulged and I am sure you haven't gained as much weight as you think. I'm getting bored with my low carb diet, some of it is good like eating lots of veg but I can't find a good low carb alternative to bread. I've tried the minute muffins but without sugar they're not great. I tried low carb pancakes the other day, YUK.
I joined a pet sitting/house sitting site because we need someone in May when we go to the Barcelona GP. I made a request on saturday lunchtime and by saturday evening I had already had 3 requests. Today I video chatted with someone, it's such a difficult decision though to pick the right person for 2 energetic dogs that even WE find a bit tough to manage at times.
Apart from that, no other news really, it's just too quiet here at the moment Love to all Carole x
A Happy New Year from me as well, may it be a good one for us all.
We spent out NYE in London staying at a hotel overnight and having an early sitting for a meal in a nice restaurant. We then walked back to our hotel near Tower Bridge and sat in the rooftop bar enjoying the view before walking down to the river to see the fireworks. We didn’t have a full on view as we were a distance away but saw all the ones that went up above the London Eye, just missed out on the lower ones actually on the river. Then a short walk back for a nightcap before bed. A lovely evening, not stress or too tiring with another couple that we went with. Back home just after lunchtime to see the family which was good before YD headed buck the way we had just come from, London, ready to start back at work today, like everyone else. After a very busy and tiring Christmas I have enjoyed the last few days much more which has been great. Part of that is that my Mum has been spending some time at one of my brother’s, including for NYE, so I’ve had no pressure or need to be visiting which has been nice - the first time I’ve had a ‘week off’ since my Dad died in early October! As to scans, my results appointment has been delayed for a couple of weeks and I can’t be bothered to chase them up (they might not even have been ready in time, well, the report, the scans are always uploaded immediately) so I’m waiting another week or so. After that we will see what is said and plan some holidays around what my next few months of treatment will be. If I continue on fulvestrant that will be easier in all ways, but chemo would scupper a few ideas, so we will see.
Lily, a big decision, and op, to contemplate but as we, and your family, have said you do need to put yourself first. If Mum struggles to be put second well, it sounds like she will have to get used to the idea. I can imagine thoug that it won’t go down well! Maybe, if funds permit, the carer becomes a permanent feature! Sounds like a good plan though to have someone there initially once she’s back home. Btw has she ever considered a retirement home ie not a nursing home but staff on duty to help? Or is she as adamant that she wants to live in her own place despite the stress this causes the family - as is the case with my in laws? Hope some type of compromise can be found.
Lisa, I hope you’ve enjoyed all the time off work and managed to see family and friends. Hoping the new year is good to you and work settles down after the changes of last year.
Carole, hope you all had a good time and that YD and Mr P we’re back for the festive period. I expect you are anxious about Brexit, as you’ve mentioned before, and it must be increasingly worrying when nothing has been decided yet as it could affect you a lot more than it will us.
Anyway must sign off but we will all be here to support each other what ever upheavals happen.
Happy new year buddies, happy new year everyone. Hoping it will be a good one for everyone. I was quite happy for it to stay on 2018 as I had mentally decided to delay my decision until the new year. However, having told the family I am now under pressure to think of myself rather than worrying how everyone else will cope if I am not there to run around. It makes sense of course but neatly overlooks my fear factor. I didn't tell anyone until after Christmas and then got everyone trying to make me sit dowm, sending flower, etc, all the lovely fuss I was trying not to let them do, of course, even though I am lucky to have such care,I know this. Victor has forgottem all about it, so only the girls are on the case. Mum is due home any day. which is going to turn my life upside down again. So we are employing a live in carer for a few weeks to take the pressure of all of us as well as giving mum a slave and the comfort of someone nearby should she need help. Not sure which will be most important until she gets there. Today she refused to talk to me because she could not hold the phone! So I am not driving to the hospital, just staying here making plans. When she's well enough she is going to have a good talking to or our relationship will not stay how it has mostly been. Its been a nice day with lots of visitors as usual at the family restaurant. So lots of leftovers for tomorrow before think about eating sensibly. Thanks for reminding me Lisa. Good luck to you with that as well. Glad to hear you have been fussed by everyone, deifnitely deserve it. Have a rest before you start another busy year of hols and days out,no doubt. You do so many lovely things, makes me green with envy.
Nicky hope you had a lovely Christmas and new year with your little gs and hopefully more to come along some time. I think you often wait to get scan results, so fingers crossed things are all going well for you still and long may that last. Will you be planning any holidays soon? I don't know what to plan for this year, as seems likely I will have to go in booooooooo. Carole how was your festive break? Did Mr P and your daughter get back home for some of the days? Hoping you ahd lots of calls too or facetime to enjoy.
Well hugs and best wishes for the coming year love Lily xxxxxxx
Hi all, happy new year. Here's to a positive and healthy 2019. Back off to the sofa to nibble and drink wine before detox and diet on Friday 😀. Hope you've all been spoilt rotten, I know I have xx
Hi, hope you all had a lovely Christmas with time or calls from the family and some nice presents too. I have been pretty busy with the house full for both days and they all staye dfor the entire day, so a lot of food and drink to cook and serve. I have to say peeling potatoes was the very worst part. I managed to do that before they arrived each day, so my own fault for being up early and organised. Today I also visited mum, which was tricky leaving Victor to hold the fort. He was very pleased with himself that nothing went wrong and he amazizngly manage to empty the dishwasher, lay the table and hoover too while I was gone. Maybe he shouldn't have let me know he is capable of doing all this ha ha. He has been looking after me as he knows how bad visits upset me and had lovely flowers delivered too. So he is in the good books. I might not be in the good books as he surprised me with a watch and I am not keen on it at all. You have them for so many years, I had to be honest, its too heavy for me and I will catch it on clothes as its bulkier than I usually have. Mum actually came out with the new problem infront of people today but I think I got away with it as she was not very clear and waffled a lot until she caught sight of me shhhshing her. I would never have got away with it if the girls were there, that's for sure. My visitor returns tomorrow so the cooking extravaganza continues for a bit longer. I had a very busy but lovely 2 days, hope yours were nice too. Love Lily xxxxxxxxx
A very Merry Christmas to all of you. This will probably be the only time in the next few days I get a chance to log on. Hope you all have a lovely time with family and enjoy yourselves. 😊🎅🏻🎄
Did anyone else have a problem last week trying to find our last page? It kept taking me to page 1 which was the start of this thread.
Anyway, I just want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, enjoy the festive time with family and friends and don't worry about over doing it. It's Christmas after all.
Love to all Carole xxx
Hi everyone, I don't know where the days have gone to, its been so busy. I got way behind with pressie buying because I lost the usual weekend time visiting mum, who was transferred almost to the next county??? So a 45 min plus journey each way, depending on traffic and what time you leave. I have been very selfish and have just said I don't feel up to the drive so only go when somebody drives me. Even then my greeting is just , there's washing there for you, you know a hello or smile might be nice one of these days. My brother said she was asking why you haven't been and then he told her about my problem. Argggh I told him very specifically not to tell her as I want to decide when I tell the family and definitely not before Christmas. Now I will visit over Christmas with the girls and have to hope she doesn't mention it!!! If she does it will be even worse as they will all hear right on Christmas. It was my decision and I am annoyed. I have had an exercise programme and it has helped already, so not feeling under pressure to make a decision right this minute. Carole thanks I know what you mean about getting it over with but its not really a problem so it makes me dither. I also met 2 people straight after who randomly told me about their keyhole surgery going wrong, one of whom needs a catheter for life, the other was in intensive care as they cut her bowel open accidentally!! Not very good stories to hear soon after the news. Thanks too Lisa, you are so right, the longer it goes between medical things, the worse I am, when really I should be thankful of the gap in time I have been given. I like being busy so I don't remember about it. It is filed in myhhead as not being this year!
Nicky yes you might need to be Dr Nicky on this one ha ha. I don't feel emotional any more just very scared of the actual surgery and very anxious about having people poking about and staring at my parts! I think I would definitely tell the family if it was a dodgy op but this is like a knee replacement, maintenance of old parts of the body, aged prematurely by pregnancies and side effects of chemo and other treatments. Two of them seem anxious about me already from the stress with mum. I liked your story about having lists Nicky. Do you know they are supposed to be a type of therapy. I know 2 people who were struggling generally with life and both were told to have lists of things they wanted to do and had to do. They were told to keep adding things on the end as they occurred or thought of things they would like to do/see and never get to the end of the list. Have you got all your wrapping done yet? I am nowhere near finished wrapping but all bought and delivered now. Post has been difficult here. I have bought far too much too. I was definitely one of the nuts ones. Your gs must be growing so fast and its lovely to see as they look so well but I know what you mean about the weight if they want picking up, especially if they aren't very good at clinging on like a koala to help you. So lovely for you to get all this time with him on your own. I love having mine. How did your latest scan go? Have you heard results or will you wait to hear in the new year? Fingers crossed as always xx . Number 7 is coming along and I think she is waiting for the scan before going public with her lovely news, just in case. Will be thinking of you all at Christmastime and hope you have some lovely hours with the family. Nick will especially think o you this first Christmas without dad as you feel it more at these times. Hope mum is still holding up well. Hugs to all love Lily xxx
Hi all, I'm so sorry I've not been around just been so busy with work and tired 24/7 house a bomb site and there's only me.
Lily, how are you doing? Please don't bottle it up. Not sure exactly what op you mean but I know when I had to have my ovaries out I blinking sobbed just agreeing to it. Also because not had to have operation for a long time even more upsetting. Hope you manage to have a nice Xmas and remember parents always give the harder time to the one they know can take it more and do more xxx
carole, hope you are feeling better too, how's the weather looking for Xmas over there?
nicky, omg so wished I hadn't logged on tonight, now I have my nightmare song in my head for bed... it's a small small world la la la la la..... I still subject myself to it. I've never been to the Paris one or at Xmas so would love to see if and I bet you had a magical time seeing little faces light up.
well, I'm off to bed and final wrapping and deliveries tomorrow and housework, then Xmas eve with kids for pizza and Mary popping and our local old fashioned cinema rather than the large multiplex in next town, supporting local xxx
night all x
I hope you are getting your head around the fact that you will need to have an op and that it is the best thing for you to do. Obviously this is going to affect you emotionally as well as physically so take your time. If you feel you need to tell your girls, so you are not bottling it all up over a stressful time like Christmas you should. A problem shared nd all that. However if you’d rather not then that is your choice as well. I know my girls always want me to tell them everything and over the years have hated it when I’ve not shared. Also, if you’re like me you will be writing list after list after list to empty all those thoughts in your head! I have small daily lists at the moment to try and get some clear space in my head and see a way forward. I find writing things down does empty them out a bit and I find I can sleep better. Not that I have too much to do just loads and loads of wrapping and some last minute bits to get, gift cards etc, plus of course planning all the meals which, as head of the kitchen, is also put down to me! YD will help once she’s back (luckily she has the whole Christmas and NY off this year) but she’s not use at the moment as she’s working until this Saturday evening. It’s not the actual Christmas food, that’s all sorted, it’s thinking about meals leading up to then (when the usually quiet shops go absolutely nuts as everyone is buying for what seems is going to be a nuclear attack!).
So a busy day for me ticking off a few things on my list (well, one of my lists!) after a day of GS sitting both Friday and yesterday. Friday he was a little dreamboy, so cute and not a care in the world, yesterday, not so much! It does exhaust me and because he’s so tall (Dad is 6’ 5”!) he’s the weight and size of a 2-3 year old so is heavy to pick up when he’s at an age he still wants picking up a lot. Absolutely knackered yesterday. Then up early today to get my cuppa and some toast inside me before I have my 4 hours of nothing ahead of my scan later this morning. I so hate the mid morning times I get sometimes as after not eating since your evening meal you then can’t eat before the scan by which time my blood sugar levels have hit the floor! Hence setting the alarm and getting up early (early for me at any rate) to keep hunger at bay. At least it means I have an extra hour or two to get some things done this morning so there is a plus side.
Enough about me, how is everyone doing? All ready for the big day next week? We will have immediate family here, including my Mum but sadly not my Dad ☹️. So we are making it an extra special time for her and she will be staying over for a few nights which they hadn’t usually done as they live fairly close by. Hope all of you are prepared and looking forward to spending time away from work (Lily and Lisa) and with family (all of us)
Take care, and good luck with No7 Lily.
Hi, thanks girls. I can type about it but as soon as I speak my eyes fill up and then I am completely gone whenever somebody is kind, so just decided to try to bottle it up until after Christmas. Yes its gynae Carole but haven't hit the request button to find out quite how much involved. Just told by gp big op. Left to just decide whether to do something now or wait, so I thought enjoy Christmas first before worrying anyone. I dearly wanted to tell my mum but when I got there she was in a beastly mood and shut her eyes so she couldn't see me and then said I better go. My brother went an hour later and laughed that he had a lovely visit. It hurt. It has happened the other way round so not sure why I am the villain after doing some frankly dodgy washing after the ward was shut down with the usual virus. So no visitors allowed in. Gave me time to relax a bit. My insomnia is insane with so much in my head. At least it gives me extra hours to get stuff done, on the bright side. Yes you are all right I should do this and will. When you teach, you have to put the kids futures ahead of yourself too. Family are fab despite not knowing and its very early days but lucky 7 is on the way, all being well. This was the best news/medicine ever. A lot to be thankful for as always. Just keep kicking me up the backside, I need it. Love to all Lily xx
Oh no, poor you Lily. Yet another problem to deal with and one that you know you have to take but will be trying to do your best for you Mum. For what its worth, and all I have had to go through over the past 10 plus years of having secondary BC, you have to put yourself first and unfortunately you have to be selfish. If you don't look after yourself and do the right things for YOU, you will of no help to anyone else. You will have to shift some of the 'carer' responsibility to others who, at this point, may have more time and be in better health to assist. As and when yiou have to have your op you should try to suit your own timescales and 'best' time - although we of course know the NHS isnt able to fit around our own plans or life styles so that may be difficult. I am imagining it will be the usuallong recovery period and you will need to make sure you recover, for your own health and for your girls and grandchildren. Again, and I may sound harsh about this they are your future so you have to be around for them. I have had to make the same choices and maybe not spend as much time as I should have with my parents (especially poignant given my Dad died suddenly) but I have focussed my time around my offspring. Having parents die is the 'normal' order of nature, if I'd neglected myself, which in turn would impact my daughters and their lives I would not like the life I now lead or be in a position to lead it.
Sorry a bit of a lecture but I hope it gives you some support in what will be a difficult time. Bloody cancer - the disease that keeps on giving, hmmmmm.
On a quick but different note I am home from the land of the Mouse - ie Disneyland Paris. 25 years to the day that we went there first for ED's 5th birthday! A busy, tiring, cold and wet (well it is in Northern France for heavens sake!) and expensive trip. But it was lovely to spend time together and see our little grandson have his first taste of the parks (I'm sure there will be many more trips if his Mum has anything to do with it). Although it isnt a good time to go (brrrrrr) it was very magical and completely over-the-top Christmassy. He of course loved 'It's a small world' espcially all the windmills which he has had a fascination with ever since he was about 5 months old and I bought him one and was one of his first words! 'Wer-wer' as he calls them.
Hope everyone ekse is doing OK. Lily, keep on sharing your problems and decisions with us, it is a good place to do it as we all know each other so well after all these years and means we dont have to offload on our immediate family and friends.
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your messages. I am so thrilled she made it through the op and she was so feisty it made me laugh. Now the long haul of trying to keep everything going and also get to the hospital to visit is kicking in and my brother and I are both shattered. Neither of us can even think about what will happen when she gets out of hospital. So it was with some trepidation that I went to the dr myself and was told I have a problem myself. Great. Just what I needed. Its a kick back to having a giant baby and the concrete effects of epirubicine on the insides, so now my organs and bits are all heading south instead of staying where they should be. Everything is collapsing it seems and most likely i will need an op unless I can stand it/get lucky. Most of the treatments are a no no because of the b c as they involve the hormones that are not my friends. The op has quite a lengthy recovery time including not being able to do everything I have to do for mum. I am struggling not to cry about it, so I haven't told anyone yet, just you. No point making everyone in the family feel worse.I couldn't visit mum tonight because I knew I would cry as soon as I saw her and would want to tell her. Then she would get in a state saying what shall I do and then get depressed she can't help. Hopefully it won't feel so bad in the morning. I don't like to leave on a miserable note, so it is with deep sorrow that I tell you I am no longer able to do trampolining. Ha ha. Lily x
Nicky i am pleased your mum is managing so well and hope she continues to do well. Sorry you lost your lovely dad xx
Lily, your poor Mum, and a poor you as you are the main care giver. Breaking a hip at her age is not to be sniffed at and, without causing concern, is a high risk of complications. I can’t remember where I read this, it was many moons ago when OH’s Gran broke her hip, but there’s a particular reason why it is so serious. Sorry if I’m not helping one bit here but just wanted to warn you, although I’m sure you’ll probably already be aware. Extra work and worry for you though wherever she is, whether she’s still in hospital or when she is discharged. Something none of us need. When you have time update us and have a rant if that’s what’s needed.
Carole, yes those new meds can really knock you out! For some reason I tolerate them, and my other heart meds, really well (and I’m on the highest possible doses for all of them!) but I know many people who don’t. Take it easy as I’m sure you will adjust and, if mit, ask about something different to take, it can take a while to get the right heart meds for you without the unnecessary side effects. Bloomin side effects, they have a lot to answer for!
Lisa, how are you my dear? Busy as ever I expect. Let us know how things are - when you have time.
Well, I’m doing Ok at the moment. Mum is doing really well and not so reliant on me, or my brothers, for company which is a huge relief for me as I’m the closest in distance to her so am the one who it’s affected the most (in terms of changes I’ve had to make to my normal life). The funeral was obviously a point of reference (rather than changing anything specifically) but I know Mum was holding back on doing some of her usual things until after it had taken place. She went back to her keep fit class last Friday which she really enjoyed and back to her indoor bowls last night. Both groups are of a similar age to Mum and have proven to be very supportive with lots of messages and offers of help so I’m hoping that she will take up some of these now she has broken the ice by going back to them. For me it is helping a lot as I have been able to get on more with the things I need to do, especially this time of the year when I’m always so busy trying to get all the shopping done and abiding the crowds. I met up with YD in Guildford on Monday as she was down from London visiting some friends so it was nice just to chat and amble along looking at things together which we haven’t done in ages what with her obscene working hours!
We’re all off on our little hols in a few days which sounds like fun. Luckily the riots might have eased off a bit now Carole as I was a bit worried about blockades at the ports. Fingers crossed it’s an easy journey for us, and as easy for the others coming by train.
Have a good weekend (I know it’s a bit early to wish this) and I’ll report back when I’m next o;.
Hi all, Lily I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum bringing another worrying time for you. Your Mum sounds very brave, and I assume by now she has had her hip sorted. Did they use an epidural or spinal block? Six hours, wow, that doesn't bear thinking about let alone it actually happening. I do sympathise, having gone through some issues with my Mum recently. Sending you lots of love and good thoughts. Post updates when you can.
Hope everyone else is ok? I'm finding the beta blockers which I was put back on last week because of unusual heart rhythm and palpitations are absolutely knocking me out. Well I assume it is these. I feel so lethargic.
Anyway a bright and sunny day today so took the doggies for a walk. That in itself is hard work as they both pull like anything and I feel like my arm is being wripped off! I only have to take them a few hundred metres and then let them off lead so they can have a good run.
Love to all xxx
Hi all, just a quick post as up early tomorrow.
nicky glad the funeral went like it did, sounds like a lovely turnout and you family and your mum doing him proud.
carole, ouch sounds painful, hope you get sorted at docs, weight gain is so hard, I'm still trying but coming off very slowly as weekends get in the way
oh lily poor you after everything with your mum sounds like a horrendous wait and what pain for her, she's defo a trouper and take advantage when she's in hospital, however, I know those hospital visiting hour trips takeover your life.
ps. Nicky Disneyland Paris, never been 👍👍
Hi everyone, Nicky I was relieved to hear that you have at last been able to have the funeral for your dad, such a long time to wait. Hopefully as you say it will help family, especially your mum move forward slowly as she feels able. Hopefully it will also start to bring a little more normality back to your routines and ease her dependence on you. I always said I lost both of them when I lost my dad, as my relationship with my mum just turned around in a different direction. Speaking of which she has had a bad accident and is in hospital so I am pretty much living at the hospital whenever visiting time. It was a very traumatic day and she was incredibly brave as she broke her hip which left her leg at a bizarre angle and unable to move it, just disconnected completely. We sat on the floor for 6 hours until the blue light ambulance arrived. How long did everyone else wait that day? No help came despite my pleas. Very difficult situation as operation vital to save her leg but her health means must never have an anaesthetic. So worrying day as they said she was very high risk of bleeding out but they had no choice. Stroke risk is still very high as she cannot be on her usual cocktail of medicines to keep her from clotting and will be for some time but hoping for the best. No idea what life the other side of this will be like, when she gets sent home but they won't let her out for weeks they say. I feel like we slid back to the bottom again and she will lose all the independence we fought for (for her and us!) . Not sure whether to prepare myself or be optimistic really, so making the most of good spells if they come along. She's a trooper so fingers crossed will fight back again and then get home. A bit of a long journey ahead. Sorry haven't replied to everything but just wanted you to know why I am struggling to get on here sometimes xx
Hi all, how lovely to have posts from all of us, it's been quite a while but life does seem to get in the way of general chit chat on here
Nicky from my experience the time in between the death of a loved one and the funeral is such a busy time that it seems to keep your mind off thinking about things. My Dad died 13 years ago, quietly and peacefully (we like to believe) in his sleep. It was a shock, like yours as so unexpected, although my Dad was 82. I went across to help Mum who couldn't really cope with anything, so I stayed with her until after the funeral. It was very strange sleeping in the same bed. So you will probably find that now, you might hear a tune or see something that will bring back memories of your Dad. With me it was anything to do with Glenn Millar as he was a fan. (She says as wiping away a tear). Good plan for the scan results.
Lily, I'm so sorry you have had 2 losses so quickly together. What with that and stresses of work, you are no doubt a bit run down. Maybe some Echinacea and vitamin C will help shift it in time for Christmas.
Lisa you are so busy it's the same for you, stress is usually one of the things (they say) that causes a cold sore. Luckily I've never had one but Mr P gets them, particularly when he is under a bit of pressure. Perhaps a few hot toddies and some early nights might help? Hope your Mum picks up soon.
Our long trip with the dogs was a nightmare. The dogs were pretty good considering although we had to make frequent stops so along with the stopping of the blockades, we stopped for the dogs. All the while the car was moving they slept, but the minute the movement stopped because of a blockade they were excited thinking they were going for a walk.
Visiting Mum was nice, she is definitely in a much nicer nursing home now. All the staff were very friendly, very fascinated that we had travelled from France. Conversation with Mum is very repetitive, but to be expected I suppose. She still isn't eating much, and has been warned that if she keeps losing weight they will admit her to hospital for tube feeding. It doesn't matter how much we offer her things to eat, she just doesn't want to. I said she is starving herself and will die, hoping to be brutally honest. She'll forget I said it though. So, still moaning about anything and everything but at least me and my siblings know she is being looked after now.
Seeing all the grandchildren was lovely, little GD is so cute and always smiling. It's going to be hard work for her parents when the new little one arrives in January. We did quite a bit of food shopping, as always things you can't get here. We also did some Christmas shopping for the children/grand children. I had such bad feet swelling, and after taking a water tablet the day we went shopping, I couldn't keep out of the toilet. On the return journey they swelled even more so for 4 days I could only get my feet in slip on sandals!
I'm seeing the GP tomorrow as I think I either have an ear infection or a build up of wax because inside my ear is itchy and painful. I recently had a blood test too and some of the results aren't normal but I don't know if any of this is to do with the steroid injection I had nearly 5 weeks ago. I've put on 4 kilos in weight. I had to increase my insulin a lot to cope with the high levels so that wouldn't help the weight.
I'm trying to follow a Low Carb diet, which is the new trend but this week I've kept carbs down to about 80 grammes a day and I have noticed such an improvement in blood sugars, although disappointed no weight loss yet
Mr P is away for the next week and then all being well (you never know with his job) he should be home until after Christmas.
Time for my low carb lunch now, take care all and keep warm in Storm Diana xxxx
PS for Nicky : the blockades are continuing indefinitely, particularly around the big Cities like Paris, Bordeaux, Le Mans, Toulouse etc. so allow extra time for travel. There is a website that displays where they intending to block, but to be honest it is very hit and miss. Now the National Front have joined in too so things are starting to get messy! Take care xx
Firstly I’m sorry to hear of your recent losses Lily, as you know I’m only too aware (at the moment) of hhow much organising needs to be done even if you weren’t personally in the thick of it. All of that stress can bring you down so it’s no wonder your cold is hanging on and seems to be one of those ones we all seem to get that turns into a nasty couch that hangs on. I’ve had a couple of those over the years, currently dosing up with Vit C each night as a part protection.
carole, what a nightmare journey. Unfortunately when you have set your dates you can’t change them or do anything about it can you? And having been near your part of the world this summer I know how long it takes on a good day let alone when there’s difficulties. I guess you won’t be venturing north for a while!
Lisa, you are always busy busy busy! Good for you when it comes to holidays but maybe not so good if it’s work. How is it going these days after the big shake up? I hope the dust has settled and you are feeling valued again and even enjoying it? At least you have a Christmas break to look forward to with a few days off work.
Well, my update. At long last we did have Dads funeral, it was a cremation so no church service as he wasn’t a churchgoer (and these days you need to be to even get a look in at having a service! Understandably). It was held on Friday and had about 89 people there which was a wonderful turnout for someone who has lived a long life. Lots of family from Up North, friends and ex work colleagues. It showed what a popular and well loved man we all knew him as. It was a lovely service and a gathering afterwards with a more relaxed day at ours on Saturday for the immediate family before they all headed home. Mum is doing well and coping very well which means I’m not there quite so often now and when I am it’s to see her and do things with her rather than loads of ‘admin’. We are working out how much support she needs in terms of us visiting her and her staying here occasionally plus she will stay at my brothers’ sometimes. The funeral was a big hurdle to get over and luckily wasn’t as emotionally draining as she, and we, had all thought, I guess the long time in between his death and the service gave us time to adjust more. It was a point though that Mum wants to get to, and past, so she cannot have that hanging over her and can plan to move on, something I know she wasn’t really able to do before it took place.
Other than all of this going on I’m keeping busy (busier?) with Christmas shopping plus occasional childminding duties and the monthly (hooray, they are only monthly) visit is to hospital for treatment. A scan coming up before Christmas and results put off (by me) until after. Yes, Lily we do have a birthday to celebrate and my eldest, still being a little girl, has insisted we all go to Disneyland Paris for the weekend. So a short trip over there soon - let’s hope the ports aren’t blockaded again like they were for Carole.
Hi all, manic time of year for us all hence it being quiet on here. First of all Nicky, how are you coping, really hope you've had a funeral and celebrated your dads life xx
carole what an awful journey, hope the feet go down soon and the wee dogs are okay. How was your mum and family ? X
lily, how awful what a bad time you've had and that's why you can't shift your cough I always get it this time of year, avoided it with just a short burst but my poor Mam has been coughing for over 2 weeks and I've come out in a cold sore.
well work seems to get busier the next few weeks but trying to spend a bit more time posting on here as I've not been posting enough recently xxxx
off for early night xx
Hi Ladies, sorry I have not been online for a while. It just got a bit manic at work and I had a really annoying cold with a high temperature and its left a cough I can't shake off. Very annoying. Its probably because I was busy at work and also we lost a relative and had a funeral to travel to, as well as trying to support a difficult situation following the death. I was pleased to be a shoulder someone can rely on it but I always carry some of the sadness away with me. A lot of relatives flew in for it, which meant really quite a lot of hard work to make everything go as smoothly as they wanted. It didn't help that I was terribly car sick both journeys and arrived green as green. We have gone straight into another loss this week of a very dear family friend who I cannot ever remember not having in my life. I guess no wonder I can't shake the cold off, hopefully this week it will go. I have another close relative in hospital not expected to do well, we can hope they are wrong. None are my very nearest so that is something to be thankful for. At least Christmas is on its way and I love this time of year. Pressies are piling up every day but still several important birthdays to do before then as well so an expensve time of year as usual. I think you have family birthdays around this time too Nicky?
Lisa how lovely to go to Tenerife, what was the temperature like? Sorry to hear you are unwell. Did you pick it up on the flight? Hope you don't have that cough that plagues you every year. Get well soon. Yes I am watching jungle, a good series but I watch it on record as it annoys me how long it goes on for, so I can fast forward.
Carole that journey sounds horrendous and how on earth did you manage with the dogs in there too? A bad end to a nice trip to visit everyone. How were the family? Did you buy many things while over here, ready for Christmas?
Nicky, most of all I am so sorry I havent been on to ask how you are. I really hope you have had the funeral now and that you were all able to celebrate a lovely dad and husband's life at last. How are things with mum now? Love Lily xx
Just a quick post, as on Sunday returned from a whirlwind visit to see Mum in London, and children/g children in Hampshire plus do a quick bit of Christmas shopping. We left on Tuesday and came back on the overnight ferry Friday night ...... big mistake! The whole of France were having demonstrations and blocades, so what should have been a 7 hour drive (with a couple of stops) turned into a 16 hour drive! Not impressed, Mr P was so tired from the driving but just wanted to press on to get us home. We had the two dogs in the car also so I can honestly say the journey home was horrendous. My feet and ankles are very puffy owing to sitting for so long, so gradually hoping to get back to normal. The last time I was swollen like this was during chemo days .
Nicky hope you are coming to terms with your Dad's passing, Lily how are you? Busy with Christmas things at school? Lisa, hope you had a superb holiday in Tenerife. Good job you managed to escape the hotel/house collapsing?
I've got a pile of ironing to do so better dash off. Love to all xxxx
Hi all, I'm around just recovering from Tenerife and brought a sore throats back, well we all did so that plus work means I've been shattered. Glad you've been shopping Nicky, and wow that's a long time to wait as it's a big hurdle xx lily I've joined the lurgy gang x Carole how's things?
will do a proper catch up tomorrow, jungle ...are you watching Lily?!
No chance of taking them back Lily! OH made the mistake of telling me to treat myself as I deserved it (after the crap few weeks beforehand) so I took him at his word ha ha. Actually I did need to buy some new things anyway becasue this year, having come off the 'chemo diet' for the first time in several years I have put weight on. All my skinny clothes that I'd been wearing the past few years no longer fit so it was essential I bought some new ones ;-)
Thanks for the suggestions for Mum. She is on the ball about most of those things but I think the fact the funeral is still there hanging around is preventing her from going back to some of the clubs she used to go to. It's sort of a moving forward point and because it has been so drawn out it is stopping her from doing just that. Luckily where they moved to a couple of years ago is in an area where there are quite a few widows and some of the clubs (fitness and bowls) have ladies of a similar age and situation who have all been lovely with their cards etc. They have lived in the same small town for many years so as she has got out and about a bit more she has bumped into some of those ladies already which helps with that first point of contact. I am also having Mum over at least once a week, it's difficult for me to spend time at hers as I still have this house, and OH, to look after so its a bit of a juggling act. We will get there, I just need to have my own time to myself, as I am used to having, which is when the stress levels creep up when I don't get that.
Nice list of shopping Nicky, I am impressed, well as long as you don't take them back !! Does your mum have a local magazine as they are full of clubs and actiities like wi and mum joined u3A and goes to antiques, family tree and poetry groups. I couldn't believe she was brave enough but now she loves it and met a lot of people in the same circumstances for cups of tea on other days too with other widows/singles.
When mil was on her own I had a routine where she came over and ate with us once a week. She loved that as you don't eat out on your own. Or does she have a past with brownies as helper local school to listen to reading? All would jump at an offer to help. xx
A moments peace in a busy week and weekend for me.
No, the service still hasn't taken place! It seems usual around here for it to be about 2-3 weeks after a death to fit in with times available for funeral directors and crematorium. So add on the initial 3 weeks it took to get the coroner to allow the service to take place it means it will be about 6 weeks from when my Dad died! Yes, this has given us time to start adjusting but also means, especially for my Mum, things aren't moving forward. I think she wants the funeral over with to then get on and start getting out more and meeting friends and family. She is being very positive and already thinking ahead of some short holidays next year but the immediate day to day company/loneliness is still a bit of an issue, and the onus is on me as I'm the only local sibling who also doesnt have a full time job! I am stepping back and getting on with things I want, and need, to do but it still ties me up a lot. I'm sure you know what it's like! Btw how is your Mum at the moment? Hopefully not causing you extra problems in any way.
Carole, how are you doing? As Lily has said, has the injection helped at all? I hope so although maybe it takes a while to really help so it might not be immediate?
Lisa, are you busy, busy as ever? Any trips or outings planned? We're pretty much done for this year although will be celebrating EDs 30th with a long weekend break in December.
So that's about it for now, I need to plan my 'days off' over the next couple of weeks to give me some down time and also enable me to get cracking on my Christmas shopping. I hate leaving it to the last minute so tend to do bits and pieces most days rather than one big shop. The only downside to this is I forget what I've bought everyone so I now write it all in a little notebook so I can keep a track!
Have a good week, looks like we might have a spell of sunny days which is lovely at the moment with all the autumn colours.
ps As you asked Lily I bought a skirt, couple of tops, new smart trousers but still trying to find a decent coat without spending a fortune!
Hi everyone, just checking to see how everyone is. Nicky have you managed to have your dad's service yet? I hope things have moved along now so you can make the arrangements and move through this part of grieving. Although I was dreading it with mine, it did have positives as well, so we could start to adjust to the changes it brought. How are you getting on ith mum now? Have you managed to pull back a bit more of your time for yourself? Its tricky I know but necessary for your health too. I bet you have hardly had time to think about yourself.
Carole how is your back now? Has the steroid injection helped you? Do they repeat it regularly or is it a one off? I hope it will bring you some relief. Lisa is work still madly busy? Hope your role is starting to settle a little now you are getting used to all the new things you have to do. I am really busy at work and now come down with the inevitable cold so its balsam tissues, strepsils and coughing all night for me. Take care love Lily xx
Hi everyone, how was the weekend? I am glad to see less rain and even some sun although its very low in the sky making driving more tricky at times. We went to a Christmas fair at a historic house which was nice but its a bit early yet. The reindeers looked a bit out of place in the sun! I have actually done a lot of shopping already this year. I didn't really plan to start early, just saw things, bought them and then other people gave me gift ideas, so my spare room is already pretty chocca especially with the next wedding dress taking up a lot of room in there already. Carole how has the steroid injection treatment gone? Are you feeling the benefit of it? Hope it will give you a lot of relief. Lisa how are your family now as its not long really since mum was unwell? Is the new jo keeping you busy stillst don't know. Nicky it sounds very familiar and I can remember thinking we all seemed to have been in limbo forever. That's the time when you feel you should keep visiting your mum I flt too. After the funeral you naturally move into a different phase as everyone has no choice but to adjust to the different normal days and weeks. I really struggled to get back into my life as mum was pretty much arms round the neck sinking us and wanting it to stay like that. I remember my brother getting mad when mum treated him like he now had to take on all the responsibility so she didn't have to look after her own house and finances. I would say encourage her to start doing a few things on her own and heap loads of praise on her when she does as she is probably looking for reassurance about what all of your expectations are of her now. Tricky but time gradually sorts it out. How easily we moved on to these big gaps between your medical scans and appointments. You would hardly have dared believe it if you read your posts from last year. It shows you just have to keep believing because you just don't know. Well I better buzz off here. BTW what did you buy? Love Lily xxxxx
Thank you again for thinking of me.
I'm doing fine but very busy sorting out various admin etc as well as supporting my Mum. I think I will cut and paste this sentence for a few posts yet!
Anyway the funeral date is eventually set but snt for a few more weeks. Basically, as Lily must know, you go to the back of the queue once the repatriation has taken place. So although my Dad died some 3 weeks ago now we could not plan anything at all until he was back in the country with the relevant paperwork and the Coroner had said the cremation could take place. So its as if he had died last Monday as that was the earliest time the Coroner had got back to us. This does give us time to plan his service having got over the initial shock but drags out the grieving process as there is no focal point to have dealt with yet. Oh well. My Mum is doing remarkably well and we (my 2 brothers and I) are helping her as much as possible but also stepping back - well I am for starters. I had my 1st 'day off' since my Dad died on Wednesday and managed to splurge on some well needed (and derserved!) clothes. Luckily OH encouraged me but I think he's regretting that now ha ha. Otherwise everything else, healthwise, for me is going OK. I have the joy of another CT before Christmas - yes, it really will be 3 months since the last one by then, and the wait for the results which will be 1st week of Jan. At least Christmas will distract me.
Sorry I've only rambled on about me but I am trying to read your posts but just don't seem to get the time to log on and therefore never get round to replying - until this morning that is.
Hi just wanted to ask how you are getting on Nicky? Hoping things are moving along now. So much worse when you are just left waiting for decisions. Thinking of you love Lily xx
Many thanks ladies for your support and shared stories. Lily, it sounds all very familiar! Dad is now back ‘home’ so to speak but the coroner still has to make a decision about whether there is an inquest or not, hopefully not as if there is one the delay will continue. My brothers are being very supportive but I am making sure they know the ins and outs of me going in each day, something they can’t do as they are both in full time jobs. Having seen how my OHs sister has taken the brunt of the everyday visiting to my parents in law over the years, but not made her grievances known to OH and his siblings, I am making sure I’m not going to end up in the same boat - as I always said I would should this situation arise!
Carole, it’s never very helpful when one relative comments on what others have chosen is the best route - but don’t offer a better solution! Far better for them to hold their tongues, but of course they’d never dream of that would they? Hope Mum is more comfortable in her new home and gets the care she needs. Glad Mr P is home for a few days (weeks?) and can help with sorting out all the jobs that must build up over time. Great you have tickets to the Barcelona GP, my OH went to that one many years ago as a corporate client and loved it. Barcelona itself is pretty amazing so I hope you have time to enjoy the city as well. If you’ve never been to a GP before remember to take some good ear plugs, the sound is incredible and one of the amazing things is that as you walk closer and closer to the track you can hear the cars screaming away even from many miles away (and that’s just where the car parks are ha ha). Hope the injection sorts out your problems.
Lisa, thanks as well from you, I know you are always busy so don’t worry about not posting before, I know your thoughts are with me. Hope you have some nice things planned over the next few months, tell us about them if you have 😊
Anyway, bye for now, I have a day off from being a carer as we have friends over this evening so I’m making sure I’m still doing the things I want to do, even though so far I’ve not had a weekday ‘off’ to do anything I want to do!
Oh I've jus logged on first time since weekend away,I'm so so sorry about your news Nicky and so sorry I haven't been around. Wha a very sudden way of it to happen, glad it was on the way back and opefully they had amazing holiday. I can only imagine how awful I had been for you and you taking all the brunt,please come back for any support. Big hugs xxx
Hi everyone. Nicky Its a familiar story. One of my brothers (neither of whom had a family) decided WE would all live there all the time, sharing out the days. It was uncomfortable to refuse to do it but I still had my son at school and he would have been left to get up and go to school on his own. Boys do not do this at 12! Anyway I quickly realised that everything you start doing for the bereaved parent, you then have to go through a difficult process of getting out of it, so it doesn't become the norm very quickly. I always say I lost both parents and became the parent myself. I did ring her every day, with a fast dialogue about how busy I was that day or helping out with gc, before we got to the inevitable when are you coming over. I am still ringing her every day 14 years later but that is ok with me. We got mum to join some local organisations which were not all couples. She went to WI, at U3A she joined 2 groups about things she was interested in, then other things like inviting friends to stay for a bit. The repatriation part is tough. My dad took 3 weeks to get back. He has to be embalmed and travel in a zinc lined coffin, due to restrictions when people die. He had a post mortem there but when they translated his documents over here, they said it was a disease nobody has lived beyond 40 with and he was in his 70s, so it had to be done again which delayed the funeral another spell. I am assuming/hoping they had good insurance as it was £25,000 bill to get dad back and it was a long time ago. It was all hanging around and then the last part was fast as he went straight to our local undertaker who phoned on Easter sunday to say you dad is back, we have him safely home with us now. The time delay did make me able to remember the day better though and think all the things I wanted to. So be firm but kind with mum. I recommend pre-preparing comments like well I will see you on?? (giving an actual day but not the next day) but it will be a quick catch up and cup of tea or shall we pop out to?? Get her out of the house. Double up on jobs, I'm going to tesco shall I pick you up and we can shop together. Tell your brothers that you are seeing her ? and ? days this week so if they can avoid these days and see her on any of the others. Let their consciences decide what they want to do. I know you will have all this in your head but just a few ideas of what worked for me. Never feel guilty, think what you would want your girls to do in a similar situation and I guarantee it won't be to sacrifice your whole life. Good luck xx
Carole what are these relatived doing trying to pass on guilt? Somebody needs to be blunt and say she was being eating alive with bedbugs, not eating and not safe so now she has someone caring for her. Only other option is to say would you like her to come and live with you as an alternativeif yoiu don't want her in a home? That should make her think. Keep telling your sis she did the right thing so she doesn't doubt herself. I didn't realise people stayed in hospital after steroid injections, hope all is ok? While I am attemting to throw a few Lily ideas out there. With the dogs' feet have an old washing up bowl of water outside and swish their feet in it as its much gentler than rubbing off mud. I leave an old bath towel on the floor so the dog walks on that which soaks up the worst of any damp feet and saves the floor. Hugs to all Lily xx
Hi Nicky, it seems very unfair when a loved one dies, having to deal with so much paperwork, insurances, banks, mortgages (if they have one) etc. I remember well when my BIL died very suddenly at 54. I stayed with my sister for 2 weeks helping to sort this out. You need to get a lot of death certificates (which I presume will be in Spanish, so will these be necessary to translate for UK people)?
Do they carry out a PM? Here in France they never do one, unless the death is suspicious. I feel that can be wrong as sometimes it is necessary for closure to know the reason why someone leaves us.
My Dad passed away suddenly, he was 82, and went the best way possible - during the night in his sleep. But this can be no way as devastating as repatriation. We lived here in France at this time so had to leave as quickly as possible to get to Mum, again I helped with all her sorting out, she didn't really have a clue.
And of course you have all this to deal with, along with your own grief. Try not to bottle it up so come here and moan and groan as much as you want, we will all listen. Lots of hugs xx
On a different topic, my Mum is now in a permanent nursing home. I've seen her room by video message and it looks really nice. Unfortunately we have a bit of an issue with my Aunt who totally disagrees with Mum being in a nursing home so makes derogatory remarks whenever she visits, especially about the staff, none of whom are white European! This doesn't help matters as her comments make Mum unsettled and she is thinking there will be a "better" place somewhere. Heck no, this home is one of the better ones. They seem to look after Mum very well, some are trained nurses. My sister bears the brunt of these remarks. Things like "I would never have put your Nan in a home". My sister is 71 and not in great health herself so remarks like that are really unfair.
We have had some extreme rainy days, only a couple but consequently because the ground has been wet both dogs have scuffed all the dead grass (dead because of months of heat) and caused areas of pure mud. Not a joy to have treading into the house. We have a back door they can use to go in and out, but will still not allow me to wipe them off (they think I'm playing) and hate me touching their feet to remove the mud. Aero has huge paws and gets big clumps of mud stuck inside. Mea the female has been in season for just over 2 weeks, I'm beginning to think it will never stop as she's not very good at cleaning herself. Oh joy!
Did I mention we have tickets to go to the Barcelona Grand Prix next year? We're really looking forward to it. Mind you we have no one who can look after both the dogs and the 4 cats. I'm thinking of joining a site called Trusted Housesitters, my friend has used them and the people she has had have been very good with her animals. So if anyone knows anyone who fancies a week in the Dordogne in May???????
YD travelled around Italy for 19 days and has now moved into her own flat. She is starting work as a teaching assistant on 5 November, so it didn't take her long to find a job. She will also be setting up her own translation business. Luckily she will have Wednesdays off and the weekends.
I'm having a visit to the UK in 3 weeks time, to visit Mum and also spends some time with the grandchildren. GD is standing but not quite walking yet.
Tonight Mr P is home and we have a lot planned before he goes back to work, nothing exciting just routine jobs like closing the pool and making a fenced area (with the stones that compact hard) so they can go out without treading in mud.
Tomorrow I'm having a steroid injection in my back, so have to stay in hospital for one night.
All from me for now hugs to all xxx
Lily, for once I have a few moments in the morning to log on! It is very tiring I can tell you that - although of course I don’t need to tell you, you went through it as well. My Mum lives about 20 mins drive away which is quite an easy drive but going up and back each day adds to the tiredness, and that’s before the weather starts to close in! Because I stayed there pretty permanently the first 3-4 days after it happened I really have strong feelings that I don’t want to be suckered into agreeing to stay there on and off, from now on! Between my brothers and I we are managing although I’m taking the brunt of the day to day stuff and endless phone calls. My Mum is very with it mentally but her bad cold and just the sudden death seems to have turned her into early stage dementia! And I know what that’s like as my FIL has it. So it’s constant repeating of things and trying to find where she put somedocumwnts etc. Sounds like I’m being very cruel but I am aware how it is taking it’s toll and I know I have to setup back a bit, if only to get her to not rely on me so much but to get in touch with some of her relatives who I’m sure will be more than willing to help. Added to the fact we can’t even arrange the cremation yet due to the repatriation it is dragging on so much. A funeral service would give some point of reference for us all to grieve and meet with everyone affected by my Dads death in one place. As it is I think it’s at least another 2 weeks away! Sorry for the moaning it’s good to spill it out to someone not affected by this.
I’ll be back in touch again soon
Hi Nicky, I just wanted to see how you are. It must be really busy organising everything and helping to support your mum. I remember hardly having time to actually think about my own grief until long after the event as mum was so very needy. So take care of yourself too. Hope you manage a bit of relaxation over the weekend with the birthday events. Thinking of you. Love Lily xxx
Oh Nicky its just grim isn't it? I can still remember the day I got that call and not in any kind of calm way either, just mania and you hope you will wake up and find its not actually true. I used to say to people I lost more than my dad when he died because I instantly lost my mum too and had to become her mum and be there every minute possible, she was so needy and didn't know anything at all about her own finances. Glad to hear that the tour company have been supportive. Love your sense of humour. Can I add we better remind each other not to go to Spain as a destination when we get further down the track, clearly dodgy! Getting a cold on top is pants and bloody unfair. Take care of yourself as stress will be high for a while. Have you had your flu jab yet? Good idea to take a step outside the firing line and enjoy OH s birthday. Also it will help long term as your brothers will get involved more and stay involved so you don't take it all on as well as letting them feel like they have done something to help, which is important too. Get them involved as much as poss to lighten/share the emotional and physical load. Once again sending hugs love Lily xxx
My Dad also died in Spain and even worse it was at the airport just as they were going to the gate! This made it even more difficult for my Mum as ‘being airside’ meant she didn’t have the Saga holiday rep there to help so was basically on her own and there was a lot of paperwork and hanging around to deal with before she could get back to the other side of passport control where the rep was and get that support. Anyway the holiday insurance company have been excellent and have dealt with all of the official bits including the repatriation. As our family has quite a dry sense of humour we have said that if you’re going to use any travel company and insurance when you’re in your 80s you’d use Saga as they must be very used to these situations 😉
Anyway it is quite exhausting both mentally and physically plus 8 have picked up the cold that my Mum brought back from Spain (and my Dad had, which could have been a contributing factor) so I’m not feeling 100%. However it was OHs birthday yesterday and we are sticking with our weekend celebration as my brothers are stepping in to help Mum. Will be in touch and hope all you ladies are doing OK.
Dear Nicky, I am sorry to read this sad news. It must have been a terrible shock for your poor mum and then all of you as you heard the news. So unexpected. I will be thinking of you at this very sad time. It sounds very like my dad who died In Spain while on holiday with my mum and it made a difficult situation so very much more difficult as there are a large number of legal and medical things to sort out and she was there on her own. If I can be of any help with any part please just ask or pm me as I may have dealt with the same thing. We found people were very kind and I hope you are finding supportive people too as you deal with getting him home. Sending you a big hug and lots of love Lily xx
Just a very quick post from me to explain my absence. After all these years of saying how bad the health of my in laws is and how my parents seem fine my Dad sadly died unexpectedly last week. It has been a complete shock to the family, and of course my Mum who I have been supporting. Although she lives fairly locally it is still taking up a huge amount of my time, in fact all of it, looking after her and dealing with all the paperwork. To add to the complications it happened just as they were returning from holiday so we have the whole repatriation to deal with as well.
I will be back in touch at some point but probably only once things have calmed down a bit and I have more time.
Hi all, yipppeeeee nicky, what amazing news so happy for you and your family, that's such good news, get another holiday booked 😎✈️😜.
lily, anything booked for half term? We have just booked a week in Tenerife and the start of November so coming around fast.
went to see kylie last week in Liverpool, wasn't so keen but she was really good and enjoyed it and then comedy night sat gone and then this weekend weekend in Manchester and Blackpool for rugby final and a country night in Nashville. So diet is going to take a hammering. Lost 1stone 4lb in 5 weeks but will be a gain this week as been so naughty grhhh....
carol, so sorry about your mum but in a way may give you some comfort that she's been looked after better. Hope you aren't going to be too lonely xxx
well of to do the dishes rock and roll life lol 👍😀