I had a short lived period of euphoria a couple of days ago (planning a holiday) but now all I want to do is lie in bed with a book!. I guess it’s true it can hit you the hardest once you are through treatment, but I’m unsure what is causing me to have no interest in anything very much, maybe a ‘perfect storm’ combination of rads fatigue, Tamoxifen and just the enormity of what I’ve been through. With no kids or partner depending on me and on extended sick leave, I thought I would be indulging myself in other ways ( new clothes etc) by now.It’s what we are encouraged to do! Really my Q is, what are others experiences of ‘shutting down’ did it happen to you and how long did it last? Maybe it’s connected to what you see in the mirror everyday, the remnants of a cancer-ravaged boob? Simply seeking others thoughts on the impact. Oh, should mention I doubt I’m suffering from ‘cocoon withdrawal’, as despite how lovely everyone who treated me was, I’m not missing being prodded and poked and fussed over.
Hi Wonks
Considering the emotional rollercoaster you’ve just alighted from (sorry for the cliche), you’re entitled to feel however you wish to feel. It’s doing no one, not even you any harm is it? You may not miss the staff and the being poked and prodded and gawped at like an alien in Area 51, but you had a routine and that’s gone now. You’re your own master and need a new focus now no one is pulling your strings. If lethargy becomes prolonged and you use it to avoid the outside world, then it may become a problem but you’re talking 2-3 days? Stuff yourself with chocolate, watch Judge Judy and don’t overthink. There are no rules and there shouldn’t be expectations either. If your mind (or body) wants a rest from the frantic thinking of the last few months, give it one, guilt free.
As you know, I shut down very early in order to get through chemo and now I’m waking up. It’s not always comfortable - I suppressed my feelings for good reasons and I’m still not ready to face them all. One thing I will say though is I look in the mirror or look down and barely notice my mastectomy scars. It doesn’t make me think cancer and I feel no less a woman than before. At my bra-fitting, I was far more concerned about the assistant noticing the gravity-raddled abdomen below. It was only a boob and, considering everything growing within, I feel loads better without it there to worry me.
Hope it’s a good book!
Jan x