used to have a shop here...Pooles cafe...all waitresses in black and white, very limited but delicious menu all home made... various pies with peas mainly. Me and my gent went there whenever we could afford. Barmy cakes, well yep that sure applies to me!
It's poor JillyJones, the originator of this thread I'm conscious for. So sorry Jilly!!! Tamoxifen seems to have been temporarily neglected.
Whinnie - Yeh, "barmcakes"(or should that be barmy cakes!), yet another term for bread rolls, cobs, muffins, teacakes (none currant), baps!! Hope you're okay, or as well as can be.
Wonks - Ha ha. Waitresses in little white aprons always reminds me of Julie Walters' "Two Soups" sketch - hilarious. Hope you didn't spill all the contents on the way, to end up serving two "empty" dishes, when you wore one. I'm with you on real butter too.
Went to Betty's in Glasgow, being a lover of Rennie MacKintosh architecture and all the furniture is his design. The afternoon tea was just an aside to experience the place, but still very nice though.
Hi there. I'm a bit confused over this thread, but admit I get easily confused these days. X
Winnie, glad to read all you are saying, on here and I totally get it that sometimes people don't help, despite their best intentions.
The parts of the thread around teacakes, and such, are a bit of light relief/fun, and maybe your thread should concentrate in that way. What I mean is you just fancy a bit if a laugh?
Toasted Teacakes are the stuff of my dreams. That said they have to be oozing butter! Anyone of a nervous disposition about butter, sorry! Proper butter, not marg, you have me!. And yes absolutely I am talking about fruit teacakes. What makes them special, to my mind ( but I'm an eater, not a baker) is sultanas. Because they stay juicy.
Talking of stirring juices, nowt nicer than a toasted tea cake and a pot of tea in a posh teashop. Such a treat! Betty's of Harrogate anyone? Yes, expensive, but do they still wear those lively white starched, lacey pinnys? Bet they do!!!
I really miss this sort of stuff! Not so much the posh stuff, just that is the way I remember things. Used to wear one of those aprons myself, many moons ago.
So my lovely lasses, each and everyone one of you, I'm done prattling and off to faff about in the kitchen, make something to eat and then rest up.
Love to all. Special love to Winnie and Delly.
luvvie. Please read my reply to shareena. Not doin suicide. I simply am not tryin to do owt. I just occupy space, not even 'exist'. I dun all the stuff others wanted me to and now had ENUF. The list to Shareena int it all. I saw GP only 3 days ago. He knows Im like this.
Im a believer in fate. I do normality stuff ...I clean house, shop even overspend on stuff I dunt need n dunt want. Sometimes I get dressed n sometimes I stay in bed. Sometimes I wander aimlessly till my arthritis hurts to force me to stop sometimes I go grave. Nowt n nobody can help me luvly. Ya have ta want it n I dunt. But ta muchly for kindness.
kind of you shareena. But as previously stated, none of that 'talking therapy' stuff works for me. But PLEASE advise everyone NOT to make 'help' suggestion like this. it makes me worse.... angry to point of pushin me over the edge. I dunt want no 'help'(less)' line wi no stranger who will press some 'suicidal' panic button. (this once happened already by a workmate)
This advice about 'help' dunt work for everyone so people like you, tryin to be kind and 'helpful' are left wi a big question mark over their head & dunt understand how much WORSE you make it.
I know I not the uny one feels like this but isn't suicidal... existing in this torturous limbo-life is my pennance and payback and one reason (among several others) why no suicide.
To be clear, I had MONTHS of counsellin as required by my employer (ah ya luv a back-coverer...you WILL get over this - is their philosophy! I tried antidepressants n other tablets. I had the 'therapies' and even seen psychiatrist. NOWT has helped and a lot of it has made it ten times worse.
Sorry if this makes me sound mean and ungrateful...I am not. I should be grateful and it IS Kind thoughtful and generous. But it is a bit like sayin ya like yer aunties (vile) cake...there's uny so much of it ya can swallow.
now there is a thought....I never considered the regional variations of what teacakes and muffins is! I have never referred to anything as a muffin. I only know teacakes (fruit) or barmcakes. Oven bottoms are tricky because I don't know of any bakers that do proper oven bottoms any more. The only 'oven bottoms' I know exist now are in supermarket packets and they aren't the real thing. I think there is a bakers in Skipton that does proper oven bottoms, IF they are still trading. It is approx 100 mile round trip for me to go there though & not fit enough to drive that far yet. If I find anywhere reachable of course I will. There might even be a recepie to make own but my hubby was the baker n i just gave all his baking gear away.
Was quite unimpressed wi hozi over the lump. I already take painkillers n got morphine patch for pain caused by cancer treatment: exemestane, arimidex, letrozole, tamoxifen and radiotherapy and it dunt touch the pressure pain from the lump. They shrugged. Did a hand scan (twice) which was painful (for more than one reason I won't go into on here). Still were not sure but said it dint favver sinister. No biopsy or mri. Just said go home and monitor it n come back in six months. Said it likely to be fat necrosis from the surgery. Nowt they can do. I ain't goin to monitor that lump, no breast self exam or nowt. If they dunt gi a money's neither do I. Also I not worked for almost a year n they draggin heels in finishin me. Tried to bully me into resignin last year in middle of 6 bereavements. Now say I bin overpaid by £!,343 yet this week paid me another £108 which I will have pay back outa benefits I am on. I still got two headstones to pay for too. Saw GP monday n he said I improved as stress stammer is better. After yesterday I not bin able string two words. I dunt mind bad stuff I caused but am sicka it all outa my control wi no solution. I bitterly regret goin thru that operation last year...lesson i have learnt is: NEVER HAVE OPERATION FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S BENEFIT. However much I love my kids, it was totally wrong call. I shuda done what best for me.
You mean Shiphams pastes in jars? Yeh, you can still get "Potted Beef". Can get bigger jars or small oblong plastic tubs off the shelf at S'bury's, or "could". But Nooo, you bought it "loose", like the big tubs of pate you get on the deli (delly!) counters. You'd ask for a 4 or 6 oz, and they'd wrap it in greaseproof paper. Haven't had it for years. Felt a bit ashamed to admit my Mum made my butties for me to take on the picnics. Should have taken my Brownie badge in Butty Making really, and been a "big" girl.
Quinoa?! It was Northern delicacies - Casseroled oxtail or steak and cow heel ("lined" your stomach, that is it "stuck" to your insides!), tripe and onions, or raw tripe and salad (tripe's supposedly full of vitamins). If we were ever sickly, we were given a glass of Mackieson stout, warmed by sticking a red hot poker in it!! Think there was iron in the stout, and an extra bit of iron added from the poker!!
Jillyjones - Apologies for diluting your Tamoxifen thread! Perhaps some wanted (or unwanted) light relief?
Hope everyone's well xxxxxx
Delly, you certainly brought a smile to my face just now! Mwah darlin. "Potted Beef". My goodness, does it still exist? Those cute little jars, do you remember them. All this quinoa and such like nowadays, it's a very different world. But we thought we were revolutionary about Ginseng, once upon a time.
Thank you so much for your lovely and funny post. X
Hey OnlyoneWhinnie and Jill
Another Lancashire lass here. Was born in Middleton (Nr Rochdale), N. Manchester, lived in Rochdale many years. Now over the border in Macclesfield Cheshire.
Wonks reference to "teacakes" - you meaning the currant ones? Some people refer to the plain bread ones as teacakes. They call them "baps" in the South! Thing I miss are muffins, the flattish oven bottom ones from a bakery, not the pre-wrapped pretend ones you get in the supermarkets. Can't get them over here. Sweet but firmish bread, not soft pappy dough that sticks together when you press it. Remind me of Brownie picnics, and Mum making them for me, filled with potted beef, or chopped up tomato and egg - Yummeee.
Whinnie - so can I put a muffin order in please? **Have you had any news on your lump yet??**
Hope you're doing okay today, as well as can, flower.
Lots of love to you, and everyone else xxxxxx
Winnie, you are terrible pain but you are still trying very hard, and that is fantastic. You must give yourself credit for that! But there is something I want you to do ( well 2 things actually) please. I want you to ring The Samaritans, tonight. Now. They aren't just about people standing on the edge of a cliff or the top of a tall building. They are about listening. Please try to channel all that amazing energy into dialling their number.
Second thing, if you can bear this 'preach' , is get an emergency appointment at your GP tomorrow, see what they can do to make the pain a little easier to bear.
Put the kettle on missus, make a cuppa and make that first phone call luvvie. Please.
You are able to get some of it out by writing it down. That is really good. But maybe try a different thing. Just have a try luvvie. Please. I think he would be chuffed and proud of you, you dialling that number. Do it for him. xxxxxxxxxxx
Luvie I don't do any of them things... often leave blind down n stay in bed. sometimes go grave when body is well enuf or go out wandering aimlessly, often in shops spendin dosh we aint got. Dunt read, listen to music or owt. have telly on but often jus to kill silence. write to him each day. It is not an outlet. Folks are obsessed wi that. It is only way I can communicate with him plus shoutin at photos I wanna smash. skriek all the time. dun't jus miss him, miss the part of me he took too. dunt begrudge that cos it got up an went wi him on its own and I wuda rushed after him with it if I cud if he had left it wi me. I HATE each new day more and more, almost as much as I HATE myself. Qualify that by sayin I rarely use 'HATE'. It is a horrible word, so prefer 'DETEST' ..but in certain sitch only HATE will do. I'm consumed with HATE. Everyone focuses on living, getting thru, moving on etc, I won't leave behind only life I knew from 15, not it OR HIM (nor REAL ME). Even sign stuff wi him in wings. I say 'our' kids or 'we' live here. Won't & can't let go of all we worked so bloody hard for. I wrote poems 3 or 4 pages n got zilch other than pain. Been robbed of many dear memories. First words our kids said, first steps. Our first kiss, many anniversaries. That's what a long breakdown caused. I bin depressed since his diagnosis in 2015 which co-incided with worst family rift ever. People are so caring trying to 'help' me. Ya gotta want to be helped & has ta be possible n I dunt believe in either. Im lonely in a crowd, really miss myself. The world can hug me but it's not his arms. Worse, I can't hug him. His wisdom n guidance is gone. The quiet man who profoundly made me me. I no longer know 'how to be' nor want to cos he ain't comin back, this is how it is for me. A year on 23 next month. Bin left a bitter old selfish cretin who got unkind thoughts. On telly this mornin on about breast cancer bein 'life changin' (not deny this) but feel like screamin at um get a life unless u bin thru summat like me on top...to go thru it without soulmate. That part of me I detest.
PS. Finished a book about Freda Kahlo today, really inspiring. Fascinating too.
Detecting a hint of Yorkshire in your posts, so if right can I ask a favour please? You can't get a toasted teacake. for love nor money, around these parts. Any chance? X
Hey Winnie, darlin lady! Truly my lovely. I'm not qualified to help you. But in the spirit of this forum, I will try always try to hold someone's hand.
You have experienced unimaginable grief darlin. But, you are hanging in there, and that is an incredible achievement. Be VERY proud of yourself for that!
We can all only give you 'virtual hugs' but they are no less heartfelt.
So, perhaps you have found somewhere where you feel comfortable expressing your feelings? That's great and well done hun, if that is the case.
Of course you miss him!!!!! That is perfectly understandable!!!!
What will you be doing tomorrow darlin? Pull curtains back, look out the windows, have a lovely cuppa? Read a nice book or a trashy newspaper?
I'll be thinking about you xxx
wonky, my dear, you sent the shortest reply, but perhaps the one I got the most from. I miss the physical contact, especially the hugs. People can give you a brief hug or say they love you but you can tell the depth of feeling behind it. At least on here I know it is heartfelt. xx
I replied to Brian which I guess answers most of your questions. I only had the treatment tho cos others thought I ought to and because I didn't want my kids to suffer another death so soon. Hubby and baby were only 15 weeks apart. But I can see now that they didn't need me and would have coped had I died. They have not led easy lives themselves at 38 and 42. I should have stuck to my original choice not to have treatment. I now feel like it was a lost opportunity. Fact is from the minute we got married we have had serious crises every year or most years. His mum died on our first wedding anniversary and I won't go into the whole sorry episode of the traumatic events. Yet the loving obsession we had for each other was so worth all of this pain, but NOT the continuing misery. I see it as the price I must pay and I know the reasons. All the pills and therapies in the world will not always work for everyone and I fall into that category. I have a wide experience in Mental Health. I worked for some years in a high security mental hospital. I know what my diagnosis is and most 'treatments', many of which I have tried. Truth is you have to want them to work and I don't. I am finding my own way along though. I am moody but mostly stable in that I remain largely in the same mood. So I know |I am not bipolar. My son in law is, so I do heartily feel for you having to deal with that. I know I am not unique (thankfully, not wanting anyone to endure what I am). I am not brave, though, just honest cos I think if none of us speak out, everyone will continue to think that all of the things regularly mentioned as 'helpful' or 'treatments' etc will definitely work for us all when that definitely isn't the case. I send you love. xx
Thank you Jill1998, but no, talking makes my depression and anxiety worse, sadly. I have my own way of existing for now. Everyone immediately thinks psychiatrists and doctors, counsellors, medication, cbt and other similar therapies work for everyone. Sadly they don't. In most cases you have to want to improve, move on etc and I don't. I have existed a year almost but my it isn't living honey. My Dad had five miserable lonely years after my mam died and I thought I understood when I truly didn't. Of all the trauma, losing John, my soulmate was the biggest blow as he got me thru everything. Ours was an obsession from the moment we met at 15 & 18 and still is. Like a teenage crush that never waned. It was at the core of the deeper developed love that came later. This is just the price I pay for that love. Sadly our entire marriage was dogged by crises...but he was always there to bail us out one way or another. It is what it is.... no point thinking beyond five minutes at a time. It's worked so far when nowt else has. But I do thank you for your kind concern. It is so very kind of you. xx Waiting for tests still to see if my cancer is back. At least I am at peace with that.... I aint afraid. xxxx
I am aware of all the 'help', but still thank you for your very kind reply & attempts at solutions. Sadly none work for me. I was on a Uni. Course to practice Life Coaching but gave it up, being un-receptive to it. It was the right thing to do. I re-live my trauma repeatedly; it gives no relief, the reverse in fact. Yet I hope I may help one person realize it's okay. Multiple crises or just one, you are not unique, you just feel it. Most think pills, CBT, counseling etc, works for all. It doesn't! Professionals then hit the buffer. They abandon you as they;re out of options. If 'treatments' fail, or you don't want them. Its still ok. Attitude is all & right now, I don't want anything to work & that's ok too. I tread water, exist (not live) one minute to the next. Poetry is a channel for me, but isn't relief. My hubby fought to the end even tho he knew I'd been diagnosed, but I fought with & for him to the end. Not what I want for me, but I listened to people who thought they were kind in saying have treatment for the sake of our kids. I've been guilty of this myself, but its WRONG. You MUST take your OWN decision. I am still here but with an extra demon & regret however miserable, & that shows it doesn't necessarily make you suicidal either.
I am sorry to read you have gone through so much.
Thank you for sharing this with us on this Forum, and I hope that getting your experiences off your chest in writing can help ease the pressure, even if just a little bit.
We know that talking things through can help many people move forward from their challenges. If you ever feel like chatting to one of our nurses on our support line, you can reach us on freephone 0808 800 6000.
Another service that may be important to know about is that of the Samaritans, who offer 24/7 support on 116 123 and www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan.
We are sending our best wishes and thinking of you at this time.
Winnie - I'm so sorry you have been through so much and you are feeling so low ,sometimes life is so cruel isn't it ? Do you feel like you could talk to the nurses on the helpline here - they are great listeners and could maybe point you in the direction of some support that may help ? They are open this morning if you feel able to give them a call ? 08088006000
I'm soo sorry you feeling this way. I can relate in certain respects.
You seem to be basically saying - you only want to stay alive for your kids. That's because you're a caring, loving mother. You've had to lose and suffer so many OTHER horrible, major drastic losses and traumas, on top of your BC experience.
It's your kids you feel you "have" to remain strong for, rather not have to be around.
Can I ask if you are receiving ANY support/help from ANYone at the moment? Be that other adult family you may have, friends, doctor, therapists? Or is it too early in the proceedings to ask such a question, doctor and therapist wise I mean?
I'm just sooo glad you felt able to so openly offload your darkest thoughts and feelings on here, and that's a very bold and brave step in my mind. Maybe you feel unable to do so so honestly elsewhere?
Loss of all my family (last being brother to suicide), other major life traumas/difficulties, + loss of two boobs etc. have resulted in me being BiPolar, and I can understand and relate to some of your difficulties. Life can throw a series of very cruel punches at times, to say the least, can't it. I don't have the "responsibility" and "purpose" of children as you do. BUT, I'm reeeally glad that you DO, from the sound of things, to keep you going.
Despite us fellow members being through the ether, it's still a very loving, caring, supportive place to be, and hopefully may just give you a bit of a hitch up/lift sometimes, when you're feeling so low. I do hope so.
Did you receive any bereavement counselling following losing your husband/partner and grandson? I did. It was an opportunity to offload to someone who's specifically trained. It also helped to explain and better understand the varied and sometimes surprising effects grief can have, that's we aren't always aware of.
Am sending loving thoughts to you, plus a special BIG, looong and tight Delly hug. I've been told they're pretty good. xxxxxx
thank you for replying. sorry for the big delay. The new lump, well I had a hand scan. Cos I had some trauma in chest area as a schoolgirl, I am way oversensitive and mamograms n stuff are total torture. Scan inconclusive so meant to have another scan. It could be necrosis. This can resolve itself of need operation or it could be the cancer back which they have instantly refuted even without proper clear scan or biopsy. I am probably part of a small 'group' (even if one exists on here) being not at all keen to survive. Just wanna be with my boys. Did this for my own kids who I thought had been thru enough death without thinking of the consequences for myself. Now feel Ilke i missed a chance to die sooner without doing anything myself. People obsess about 'precious life'....really...????? Everyone I spoke to so far goes on about the shock and devastation of BC diagnosis...I had to take that hit alone while nursing my soulmate to the horrible end of bowel cancer, work full time whilst doin that & watch him die horribly. Weeks later while I was in surgery I didn't want, came round to the dead baby. John fought 3 1/2 yrs...so folks say Hey he had all that extra life...oh yeah? Years of torture for him and pain and the same for me and family in a different way. I come out of an episode not just stemming from 2015, but a marraige dogged by continual crises from almost day one. His mum even died on our first wedding anniversary. So NO LIFE IS NOT that precious. I had all these deaths, especially soulmate, & a matter of weeks late, the baby (& a major family disagreement, to put it mildly), All of this besides the cancer AND on top of that, the bl&&dy side effects of Letrozole, anastrozole, exemestane and now Tamoxifen. I came off the tamoxifen a week ago and already feeling somewhat better overall, but still suffering. You can't undo the arthritic side effects for a start and the lethargy omg. Belly and constipation are improving but dunt expect it to be great after a few days. Why am I taking the flippin stuff anyroad? Probably cos tho I don't fear death I fear pain and this secondary lump is darn painful despite paracetamol and morphine patch (can't take any other pain relief). Still skreiking a lot...the antidepressants stop that but stop me being me, so no ta.... sooner skriek. Autistic son put it bluntly but accurately: sounds like you more frikky of life than death Mam... yeah Jon I am.
Hi Jillyjones. I started Tam in August 19. First couple of weeks I felt really rough. I think that was as the drug worked its way into my system, coupled with 'cold turkey' on Prozac, which had been prescribed when I was diagnosed.
But things settled down. I feel 'achy' particularly feet, ankles, legs but not to any overly worrying extreme. Touch wood, so far so good.
I think its quite a shock getting a prescription for a drug you take daily for years. Especially if you aren't used to that type of situation. It took me a while to 'accept' that (there aren't even any Anadin in my house) but I know it is part of my treatment so I've got used to taking it and grateful I'm getting it tbh.
Hope this helps a little bit. X
Firstly - Flippin 'eck, darlin'. I am sooo very sorry you've been through such a huge amount of losses, traumas and problems, especially your husband and Tot of a Grandson too.
I can only touch on Tamoxifen briefly, as it worsened my depression at the time, so only stayed on it 3 months. Decided to take the chance/risk, over a better state of mind and therefore quality of life (went into Meno 3 yrs later anyway). My decision was also affected by my Mum's best friend who'd taken it for 10 yrs, but still died from 2ndary BC tumours, bone, liver, and elsewhere. I'm not suggesting you do the same, but we do always have the option as to take something or not.
Other people have often mentioned that particular manufacturers/brands of Tamox can be better than others, side effect wise.
With regards your boob lump - scan clear, but is physically visible and to feel. Has nobody offered any other explanation/diagnosis, as to what it could be??! And are you waiting on an appointment for a biopsy to be done??
Hope you get some answers very soon on that particular score, plus some further help with your other health problems. Keep us up to date will you.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love, XXXX
In the 1st 9 months of 2019 I had 6 bereavements. First two were hubby and 3 yr old grandson. Got breast cancer in Jan, hubby dying of bowel cancer died in Feb after 3.1/2 yr nursing him & workin full time. I refused treatment at 1st but accepted it after he died. I should not have. He did all he could to survive & we couldve had quality time instead. Been on Tamoxifen but i think a lot of the side effects I got were confused with grief and pre-existing illnesses getting naturally worse. Sudden significant bloating and severe constipation drove me to investigate after being fobbed off at hozi. Even I confused some of it with grief to be fair to them. Nausea & poor apetite and weight loss for instance. I have been weigh reducing for years & gone from about size 24 dress to 14 in about 10 yrs, but since hubby died dropped to a 10/12 & even got in some 8's, but I think also related to Tamoxifen. Nausea I thought just cos I kept thinking cos he can't eat I dunt wanna. But thought disturbance in leaflet. Joint pain - got arthritis that went to another level min I went on aromatase treatment & having to give up work now thru it. Breast consult says see orthopaedics and vice versa. Tamox is documented. I got a long list. Surprisingly, raised blood sugars in type 2 diabetes is not in leaflet unless i missed that, yet it is all over medical sites on the net. The constipation so bad I had to self evacuate (with a lot of effort) even with laxatives and tummy like a balloon all the time. Feel full n bloated. Lump is back only 6 month after surgery but size tells me its been there a month or 2. So far scan sayin its not back but it feels exactly same. No biopsy or definitive diagnosis yet. In same place. So far the side effects not worth the hassle. Anyone else type 2 diabetic and or arthritic wi same issues, or got the constip and bloating prob? any solutions cept come off it?
First of all a big welcome to the forum where you will find lots of support and help.
Have you started Tamoxifen or are you due to?
From reading other posts it seems everyone reacts very differently to Tamoxifen. I’ve been on it about 2.5 years and touch wood no significant side effects. I’ve got hot flushes but not sure if those are due to being menopausal now or the Tamoxifen.
I’m happy to answer any more questions. All the best to you whatever stage you are at.