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Where did I go????

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi to you all who came on here and found some ladies who know exactly what your all going through... After chatting (a Lot.... sorry Em for making you cross eyed :)) with Em and realizing so many total strangers are going thro the same dilema,s and fuzzed up feelings I have decide after posting the original post that I still dont know where I went I only know i,m not on my own and if we all want to blurt out our inner feelings to total strangers then go for it girls 🙂 your in the right place.
A friend told me to be kind to myself when i,m feeling rough and when I feel irritated by everything.. easier said than done when you want to rip someones head off for being insensitive or down right annoying, but I am working on it and hav,nt done anyone any damage YET!!!I,m not sure if i,m right but I think all the angst and pent up emotions that were all going thro is just anger at BC in general. I,m not or ever have been an angry person till now so it has to be the treatment/meds???
MrsEC hi honey I read your mail and wept for you.. you are here cos you are a very special person there,s no order from up above that says who stays and who does,nt.. your here and your amongst friends, strangers we may be but BC buddies each and everyone of us in our own special way.. As for meaning to life I,ve no answers but your a part of our lives now and this is the best place to let all the doubts and fears go without risk of being criticized, just spill it out hom one of us will have an answer 🙂 not always sane but a listening ear all the same xxx love to you all Doz xx

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

MrsEC funny you saying about personal traumas it is something that has come up on here before, we had a goodish year till Nov'09 when we were in a car accident thankfully no really serious injuries (whiplash which left arm quite weak) could have been much worse.Then my mother died in Dec '09 during all that awful snow,I had to drive 130 miles there and back sorting things,supporting step father, the funeral was delayed due to xmas and weather till 7th Jan'10. I started a new job (yes stressful one) we had my son's wedding in the July and four days later I found my cancer! It has been a total blur with chemo,ops,rads I still can't look back as I just focussed on the next thing and dealt with it that way. Now 3 weekly Herceptin,Arimidex and got blasted lymphodema so it seems never ending! Yes days where I am angry , Days when I cry at the drop of a hat and slowly,slowly days where I am getting stronger!I have got some wonderful support around me and made an amazing friend through this site with who I can share my good days/bad days with . Meanwhile I am now sticking with 'cooking the new me' as others have said not sure what that will be like but have to hang on to that! I have started back to work for a couple of mornings a week but I will never sweat the small stuff ever again! I am only now coming to the realisation that I never knew about cancer or about how people dealt with it or not but I will definately be much more understanding to anyone I may meet along the way but won't put up with stupid any more! So yes changing but I hope for the better! take care xxx

June_BCC
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hello MrsEC

Welcome to the forums, you've come to the right place for support as the users of this site have a wealth of experience and knowledge between them.

Whilst waiting for replies you may find it useful to contact our free helpline on 0808 800 6000, opening hours are Monday to Friday 9.00 – 5.00 and Saturday 9.00 – 2.00.

Best wishes
June, moderator

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: Where did I go????

What a relief to hear my story echoed here, I thought I was going round the bend. It's interesting that many of us discovered we had BC following other traumas in our life. In the space of 2 years my little nephew was diagnosed with leukemia, then my dad was diagnosed with the disease, and died whilst I was undergoing chemo, other more minor trials and tribulations occured also but then I get my diagnosis....strange coincidence? Throughout my treatment; chemo, surgery, rad, I coped amazingly, everyone commented on how 'brave' I was. It almost felt surreal though and I don't think the enormity of it sunk in until now (i finished treatment early Sept). I've been back at work part time for the last three weeks (plus working from home)but I'm struggling to cope. I don't want to just slip back into my old life as if nothing happened, I've changed and want to acknowlege this. My job seems pointless and I've lost confidence in myself, questioning everything in my life and the direction it's going. I'm 44, married and childless, Zoladex and Tamoxifen make it unlikely that I will ever have children so I'm struggling to find meaning in life..... it's occured to me 'why should I have survived this when far more worthy people don't?' I feel at odds will family and society in general, on the verge of tears constantly but putting a brave face on, maybe I should consider counselling. Only discovered this forum today and, through the tears, have found comfort in not being alone. Thank you all for sharing your experiences x

Slendablenda
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Quite agree Jane, I find myself biting someone's head off for no real reason - like today when my mum was moaning about hairdresser. She was asking me about mine and I HAD to say "I haven't GOT any hair" Unnecessary really. It's usually my OH who gets it.I just can't be bothered worrying about everyone else's feelings at the moment.
I ain't takin no Sh*t from no-one!
I have recently started having counselling. Hope it might help me retain some of the old me................ maybe.

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi again all! Well had app with onc to be told no mammo till April next year 12 months after surgery but on the plus side no apps for 6 months!! I have got so used to having at least a couple or even three/four in a week! apart from my Herceptin and getting sorted with lympo I am free........yes and back at WORK, only for a couple of mornings a week for now then will see. As for the new me she is still in the process of being made not sure what I will be like but it is so good to be talking about 'normal' things e.g someone telling me she still has problems with a sore shoulder after twelve months?? It did feel a bit arrghhh!! but then it was so normal don't even think the lady was aware of what she had said! As for you Doz SERIOUS??? Nah! just having a moment or two! Well I am certainly not gonna be a touchy feely sort of person but I have come to realise how amazing we can be!! So big up to all the amazing women who got here! (((more hugs)))
Em xxxxxx

GIJaneH
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi ladies.... SlendaBlenda, I absolutely agree - what will the new me be like? In a way, if we come through all this and stay the same, we've wasted an opportunity to change/grow/learn. Doesn't make it any easier though when you bite someone's head off, and know, deep down, they haven't done anything much, it's just plain anger that's errupted from somewhere deep down. Like many of you, I'm normally laid back, strong, positive etc etc..... I'm looking at the prospect of returning to the land of W.O.R.K. in a couple of weeks, and as I am in a "caring profession" wonder how I will cope witn anyone moaning about nothing much.... in the middle of treatment I told the Occupational Health DR i might just "slap 'em". One way of showing you're NOT fit for work!!! But that was then... I feel stronger these days, only the reality is that my strength is not reliable, either physical or emotional. Sometimes it's there... sometimes it's gone AWOL... and that's a new ME that I have to learn to be gentle with... (and not dislike her) Jane (((joining the group HUG)))

Slendablenda
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hello Ladies
YES, i feel the same. I've always been strong and positive and able to deal with whatever life has thrown at me. But BC is different. It does make us aware of the fragility of life and that it could be snuffed out at any time. I'm very grateful for the treatment I'm getting, but i'm also very aware that afterwards my life will never be the same again.
Where did I go ? Good question...............
And a question I have in my head now is "What will the next me be like?"
Remains to be seen, but I do know I won't be the same.

Cackles
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Well these words ring true to all of us. Bravely said and faced. We will never be the same again , we have faced the fact that you DO NOT live forever, looked at our own fragile mortality............... It's just that we want our fair share.
For me the first realisation was a lack of interest in shopping........why would I need anymore clothes....somebody will have to throw them out..... Etc the list of reality is long.
We have also changed in the fact we post on this Forum and tell complete strangers our inner hurts. They become our friends, our soul mates, our secret.
Thank you for being here all of you.
Cackles xxxx
Huggs

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Welcome to jmr and mrsc123 and anyone else who wants to join us in offloading the fears....
Its not a site where you have to worry about feeling low its a site to share your feelings and realize your not going bonkers cos you feel different, your all very special ladies who have been there done it and are now picking up the pieces no matter how slow!
I cant believe how many of us "special" girls have responded to the first post as I thought I was just being a wuss and needed a good kick up the old rectum!
After all it was 11 months back that I had the initial op and god knows we should surely feel better.... Not with BC so i,ve since learnt.
Like Em i,m due my first big check up and mammo since it all happened and to say i,ve got the jitters is quite an understatement I am absolutely S******G myself AAARGH!!!
Its a time of new territorys for us all and the meds dont help you to sort your head out they just fuzz it all up even more!
I can only say were not alone I have days when I dont even know myself anymore and honestly dont want to..I want the me back who used to look at life with such passion, not the me who constantly asks herself "where did I go"
I think the first check up is the hurdle to get thro.. then you can start putting things into perspective!!
God are,nt I being serious.. ha ha got my sensible head on..
Off with her head!!!!
GROUP HUG on its way and stay positive no matter how s**t you feel YOUR NORMAL 🙂 you,ve been thro a life changing experience and BC certainly is that!
Love Doz xxxx

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Wow! more amazing women! I know exactly how you feel, have done the beating myself, it does not do anything just made me more angry and then down!I sometimes wonder who the woman staring back at me is,I do feel like the confident me has gone but am slowly learning about the new me! jmr I too am due my mammo,got app with onco tomorrow and scared rigid not sure if they will do it then or give me app? Yes we are all in the same boat. mrsc123 I think we are in good company 'cos no one understands quite like someone who has done this journey. Had a funny one today just felt so angry no reason just did! All new territory never been like that I am someone who has always been easy going so it has come as a shock to me that I can get this down and angry! Group ((((HUGS)))) xxx Shake rattle and roll together!!!

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: Where did I go????

wouldnt it be wonderfull to all meet up and have the biggest group hug ever as we are all feeling the smae feeling ,i put a post on earlier today as im feeling so low and beatmyself up that i should be greatfull im alive ,when will all these lows stop ,xx

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: Where did I go????

when I read your post it was almost as if it was me writing I too wonder where the confident and capable person I was has gone. my 1st mammogram is due in November as well and I am falling to bits at present but having read how you feel I realise we are all in the same boat and WE WON'T SINK.I too was a nurse but didn't go back to work as was going to retire this year anyway but do feel as if it all happened too quickly and

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

I guess we,d know each other if we met in the street...
I,m the other one that rattles!!!
I hope your problems have now sorted themselves out,
I work on a neuro rehab ward and some of our patients have had strokes so my heart goes out to you after stepping thro that particular door... nice to know you didnt go right thro, hope it stays that way! Not nice.
Well thats me done for tonight nice to have your input..
i,m now going to make sure there are no insomnia gremlins in my boudoir.. they are another gift that keeps on giving and quite honestly wish they,d S*D off!
Take care xx

surfie
Member

Re: Where did I go????

It never stops! I had a little ministroke probably caused by Tamoxifen which I was on for 2 and a half months. That hospital department prescribed 75mg aspirin a day and said I should take statins or get my cholesterol down to 4.5 - I declined the statins and said I'd get it down with diet - Fat chance with arimidex! I'm still fighting though. I've gone almost vegan after reading the China Study by Campbell.

I am also supposed to chomp adcal2 tabs and strontium ranelate powder for osteoporosis. I supplement with Vit D3 and Omega 3 and vit B complex. I divide the pills up weekly into little jars and collect a small sack from the GP each month!

And I don't feel ill at all - madness!

Doz, congratulations on your original cholesterol - bloody marvellous!

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Aw bless you for that x
As if all the rubbish we,ve been through was.nt enough!!! like Em said "The gift that keeps on giving"
My cholestorol level went from 4.6 to 7.2 😞 hence the statins!
A year ago I was fit and didnt take any tablets at all and now it seems i,m taking one to counteract the other all the time.
I,ll give your suggestions a try as anything would be better than walking around as if I,ve "had an accident"
Thanks and love
Doz xx

surfie
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Doz,
I've been on arimidex for a year and even though I gave up dairy during that time, my cholesterol jumped from 5 to 5.9.
For the aching joints and stiffness caused by arimidex I take 2 glucosamine and Chondroitin tablets each day and they do make a huge difference, I don't feel 110 all the time.

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi girls
I,ve been having problems with aching joints and muscles.. thinking it was Statins as that is a side effect of them(cholestorol levels went thro the roof after going on Letrozole)I went to see my Dr who agreed to try me on a different one.. Tho she did tell me it was more likely to be the Letrozole..its also a side effect of that too so I guess I might be stuck with it??? Has anyone else had this problem whilst taking it??
I feel 100 sometimes when I try to stand up after sitting for a while and when I get out of bed in a morning it takes ages to straighten up... Sob!!
Love to you all Doz xx

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Oh hell I put thongs instead of things!!! could have been embarrassing 🙂 xxx

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Ha ha ha!!! you poppet.. I,ve just been upstairs finishing off the ironong from hols.. had about 4 hot flushes doing it! mind you there was my delighful offsprings too she unlike me went into work and got it right! She,s a chef who hates ironong! Was glad of the gale force winds blowing thro the window!
Needless to say once finished jimjams on 🙂
I would have throttled the silly woman. what kind of Cancer is the best kind???? does it exist??? dear oh dear how insensitive SMACK HER FOR ME!!!!or better still poke her other eye out.. the one you missed!!!
It happens tho sadly until your in it you dont have a clue so best give her her eyes back!! and give her another grating teeth bared smile :0
Everyday should be a mega hug day Em.. "HUG" I,m also under the Lymph/nurse thankfully fingers crossed its settled, I have a skeeve and glove but due to infection control I cant wear it for work so it goes on when I get home for the night.. dont like it but it works, I did use it on the plane but got sick of people staring and after spilling my brandy and coke down my white trousers cos I could,nt pick the silly plastic cup up (Jet2 crystal)it came off and so far its been fine.. bless you its not nice Em, I think taking up Badminton again has really helped it, tho i,m not as good anymore but I so enjoy it! I,m at physio in morning as i,ve had a lot of trouble with my shoulder since op, It started the day after with a sharp pain between my shoulder blades Aneathetist said its from the injections from aneasthetic (bit like Epidural)should have been before now but its been one of those thongs you just put off with so much other stuff going on and it has,nt been too bad but fed up with the niggle now!
I really like your hair... wear it with pride honey its your medal and it does suit you..
My son popped in for lunch as he,s working in the area this week I made him some lunch and a cuppa but forgot to take the tea bag out so when he started to drink it he got a mouth full of bag!!!
He laughed and called me a DOUGHNUT to!!! What are you all trying to tell me???? Ha ha ha!! 🙂
The one thing I love about this site is you can rant, cry (often) laugh and you all empathize not criticize.. Strangers you may be but right now at this point in my life when everyone expects you to be fine there is this little pocket of beautiful people who have shown such compassion.. even thro the throws of madness (often) you still want to dance around the hat rack with me.. even if I lick windows 🙂 hope you know hat joke otherwise I just lost the plot ... again!
Glad you didnt go shopping in your JJs and DG even I would have walked past you Em 🙂
Bless you have a peaceful night a sweat free hour or 4 and a wonderful day tomorrow.. You should have used the ....off word you,d have scored 10 points in my estimation.. GO ON GIRL TELL IT LIKE IT IS!!!! xxxxxxxxhugxxxxxxx Doz

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

How fabulous! Rant away you so deserve it!! Do you do that thing where you are stood or sat as in my case with a 'plastered smile' on your face whilst in your head you have throttled that person in front of you? I did that when told by silly woman mine was 'the best kind of cancer to get!' see things people say. AAAGGGHHH!!!!! well today it was someone who I used to work with some years ago saying "What have you done to your lovely long hair???" DOH! think the style would have given it away??? Never mind I just gritted my teeth and said I had to go could not say a word, hell before all this I would have chosen one of the many words I know that finish in off!..... On the plus side I get to communicate with fab women who know exactly what I mean so it's a bit of a safe place to unload for me! So rant on lovely it all helps!
I am going to suggest we all have a MEGA HUG day for you when you go for your squash! and hope it all goes well , I am s@@@ing myself for when that time comes for me no dates yet but got to go to Lympo clinic as it has got worse had a sleeve for about 3 months but swelling on side and a sort of half moon under arm so more aaarrrggghhh!!!!! I LIKE this getting all that rubbish out and no one to upset this is so good! Lots of love to you all and Doz you're a wonderful doughnut good job you didn't go in to work!!! lovely to be with folk who are as mad as me!!! xxxx p.s not in pj's YET! couldn't go shopping in them shame ;))))

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Are you still in your jimjams Em 🙂

Hi Poppy and welcome with open arms into our exclusive little club
The ladies who play hide and seek with themselves.... Where did I go?
I,m due my first check up since active treatment stopped and I dont mind telling you i,m getting the jitters... A. It,ll be the first time i,ve been back to the Breast Unit since R/therapy
B. My boob is still really tender as my scar is right round my nipple and still very tender. Hav,nt slept on my stomach in 10 months! Ha ha joke there I hav,nt really slept in 10 months!
So the thought of having it squashed in the dreaded pancake clamps fills me with absolute sweats... as if I dont already get enough!
I think one of the hardest things to cope with through all this is the waiting.. its too long especially when you,ve had a positive diagnosis as we all have.
I think you will see from all the gang on here that non of us have come through this the same person so perhaps we,ll come out a stronger person at the end of it all... can only hope eh!
When Em replied to my initial post I could have cried with relief we could have almost written each others posts and not known the difference then in the last 3 days there are more relating to the loss of our old self its such a relief to know whats going on in our lives is,nt unique.
I have gained so much from reading that were not as alone as we thought.. and the mask! well we all wear one if you read the previous replys.
I actually want to stand up and shout when people say well its all over now you can get on with your life.. Aaaaaargh this is ME ME ME!! OY I,VE HAD BC AND I,M STRUGGLING SO PLEASE DONT SAY WELL ITS ALL IN THE PAST DONT FORGET I Just had a nice (not) flush God I hate them.
Love to you all.. xxxxxxxxhugsxxxxxxxxx Doz
Think this turned into one of those angry rants soooo sorry x

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi Em
Drove back in what seems the start to the predicted wind... not bodily one might I add 🙂 glad to be home after dodging high sided lorries that seemed with all intent and purpose as if they were trying to send me into a different lane!!!!
Have you battened down the hatches and garden furniture??
I did it last night thinking I was back at work today at 12 WRONG... the head thinks what it wants nowadays its tomorrow i,m back.. oh dear dancing round the hat rack away with the fairies again!!!
After reading so many posts pre and post diagnosis the one thing I,ve realized since coming on here (3 days now) non of us really loose ourselves i,ve smiled laughed and yes cos of the hormone killer i,m on cried buckets. But your all such amazing girlies I cant thank you enough. I thought I was loosing my marbles too not so.. just a nasty side effect of all that blessed treatment and guess what... were getting there!
Love and big xxxxhugsxxxx Doz

poppy333
Member

Re: Where did I go????

hello. . .

can totally relate to you all.
i was very happy with my life, it had been crap for years then i met the most amazing fella, and all was great. I was due to have major throat surgery for a part of my windpipe had collapsed and i had trouble breathing, couldn't walk up stairs without stopping. so the op was planned for 25th sept. 3 weeks before that and 5 months into the relationship i was dx. wle, 21mm lump, grade 3, er+ her -. . 6 fec, 20 rads and tamoxfeon. both ops were done on one go.
mom had bc 18 months before me, now has terminal bladder cancer. had cemo but it only shrunk a bit.

i miss the girl that used to smile,be bubbly not worry about things, dream about having kids, and a life till i was old.

i now feel i dont laff, false smiles, bubbles are flat, no kids for me, and what if it comes back.

i am at my 12months since dx and operation stage. and i think that i was coping very well until the mamogram last week. . 4 weeks to wait for the results. . .ahhhhhhhhhhhh horrible. upset cry, anxious worry dread panic are every day feelings. im still with my fella and he has been amazing.

but i do laff, and i do have fun, i just feel as i do it as a different me. i dont think ill ever be me again, how could we go through all of this and not be . . . we have to look at the things we like about the new us. .

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

you and your jimmies! she says happily sitting in hers along with DG as I have felt the cold so much since chemo!
I am beginning to realise how we have to be slightly bonkers (or a lot in my case) to be here and my dearest friend who lives in Aus tells me I will find a whole new me(she had cancer 20 years ago) so I am trusting her to know! While waiting I will see if I can find that book Jane it sounds interesting and it would be good to try to understand how I came to this place in my life! I am at the moment looking back not in a negative way but sort of WOW I did it! but what next??? I am probably not making any sense (daughter threatens to put me in a home!) she tells me my chemo brain was always there it just got a name now! Have a good day all and Screenchicken I used to call mine baby orang-utan hair!
Hope your day goes well Dos and try not to do too much Em xxxxxxx

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi screenchicken and Jane welcome to where did I go?? Emmy and myself are glad to have you on board 🙂 along with anyone else who lost "the old you" I can only say its still there somewhere but a bit hard to find at times and when you think you found it it disappears again... bit like hide and seek 🙂
Emmy summed it up for me The gift that keeps on giving!!
But its so good to know your all out there and i,m not loosing my marbles just yet!
I think I read that Jane is tottering over Letrozole Lake??
Just been for a swim and have an appointment soon so better get my sorry asse out my jimjams.... again and go get a shower..
Love to you all and remember your not alone all us ladies are dancing round the hat rack too.
Keep smiling girlies xxxxx Doz

GIJaneH
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi ladies - I'm just about to join you! Some months ago, someone on this site recommended what sounds like a good book:

The Cancer Survivor's Companion: Practical Ways to Cope with Your Feelings After Cancer
by Dr. Frances Goodhart and Lucy Atkins

hope it helps us all! I am dying to "get back to normal" but sort of aware that I don't know what normal is any more.... We are like crysalis (graphically described once for me a "primordial sludge" - who knows what sort of butterfly will emerge... Jane

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Join the club! I thought the same when all this is over I will feel better and blow me all I did was cry, and sometimes feel like a fizzing bomb about to blow! I know I still have Herceptin till May and tabs for the next four and half years but it doesn't cut it does it? You are in a good club it's a funny old place to be and I like you hope that it gets better with time. I am starting back to work in Oct and am scared strange really 'cos it has been a goal all through and now I don't know if it is what I want as I have said I don't know what I want! Mind you to be the me that wasn't this scaredy cat would be good it's like the last year has changed the world and taken me with it! The hair thing I can relate to though thankfully growing out and now I find it preferable to the hair I had before though would never have chosen to have it this short ! Still feel like a stranger when I look in the mirror the relatively slim shoulder length woman has gone and there is a new me who I am still struggling with getting to know! As Dos says we WILL get there it just seems like a long old road just now sending you virtual hugs Em xxxx

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: Where did I go????

How wonderful I have been sitting here for the last week in despair frightened I was going completely bonkers are ther you all are feeling just like me.I started to feel bad same as you when I thought I would feel better been through all that horrendous treatment chemo radiotherapy and now just dealing with herceptin and homones.
I lost the plot badly I was holding my new born grandson in my arms and just thought out of the blue you are at the beginning of your life and I am at the end. Scared me witless I have never felt like that ever!!!!I decided i needed counselling fast and phoned up the local counselling centre and guess what i did burst into tears whilst asking for an appoinment I have never been that pathetic before scared angry maybe but never pathetic. i feel i am no longer e I am that person with Breast Cancer and can no longer laugh at myself. Think like they say to you it is a Trauma to get over and hormones do not help mood swings sweats etc making you nuts before you start. If I can find me and my sense of humour again I will be ok.Cancer should have a health warning now that does sound crazy!!
screen chicken my name because thats what I look like a plucked chicken !!!!!!!

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Love the 'young lady!' haven't been called that in years! That did bring a smile to my face and a big up for P.J's! xxx

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Morning Emmy
Still in the beloved jimjams ha ha!!! I replied thro your big hug mail instead of on here.... What a novice!!!!!
Our stories are so similar its uncanny.
My parents both died over xmas too Dec 17/19 then my daughter had a car crash! its a couple of years back now but still feels like yesterday in many respects.
Also I had a birthday Dec 13 just after my op and just before my R/Therapy started. Really dont remember the day at all GONE!!
I,m sure everyone on here has the same emotional mand banging that follows the end of active treatment so no honeybunch your not loosing it and coming on here is such a revelation for me also..
"Its not me its everyone else" comes to mind when your expected to be fit and well... cos its all over now is all you hear!
WE are i,ve come to realize a very exclusive club and instead of feeling low and despondant when outsiders expect you to just get on with life.. say to yourself Oh I am but it takes time.. quite a long time and if I feel rubbish then I feel rubbish!
i,ll be popping in and out of here also so ditto young lady (by 3 yrs 🙂 anytime the head gremlins get the better of you bounce it off me anytime my window is always open xxxxxxxxxxxxhugs backxxxxxxxxxxxx
Doz

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

I have been around the edges of this site I sort of come back to it when something happens to see if I am going loopy or if it is a common thing! I have sort of posted a couple of times but I put my head under the covers and ignored the world (well except the family and docs!) I didn't want to talk about it 'cos every time I said the 'C' word I started crying like a lemon! I did start to post when I was so 'Gobsmacked!) at something someone said to me last week, then I saw your post and it so rang bells for me. I am 58 had a birthday June but was on rads so it passed me by! I have looked back over the last year and still have problems taking it all in, was that really me? Yep! it surely was but in my head I am the same till I look in a mirror or try to put something on that doesn't fit any more then it hits all over again! As someone wiser than me on here said "The gift that keeps on giving"
Nothing wrong with jarmies they are my bestest friend!
I do relate to the trauma thing though do have a lovely hubby, we were in a car accident Nov'09 ,I had been travelling back and to as my mum had been ill off and on during the year then she died in Dec '09 just before Christmas and there were horrible family rows. I think all the stress sort of sets you up for what follows! Anyway I sort of know in my head I will get there but it is the 'putting on a face' I am now finding harder as you say everyone says it's all over isn't it? eerrmmmm!!!! We don't know I am sure trying to 'get through it all' wears you down and reality sets in after the event! Well lots of virtual hugs 'cos I know that on here there are loads of fabulous women who know exactly where we are coming from and we don't have to pretend with. I think I am only just now realising how much we all have in common regardless of who we are and what we do! Lovely to hear from you and please do PM me if you feel down any time 'cos I am always here looking! Take care xxx

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi Emmy
It was good to read your reply and hear your story, we could have written each others and not known the difference 🙂 It is,nt the cancer thats the problem its everything that comes with it.. I,ve put nearly 2 stone on too and even tho I know its a side effect of the Letrozole it still adds to feeling rubbish about everything. I,ve spent hours on here today and at 2.00pm still reading stories from memebers, I was still in my jimjams!! (terrible) I cant believe how I can relate to you all and didnt know the site existed till today I dont know how i,ve missed it? tho I hav,nt really looked for one till now..I'd just got to the point were I was so fed up with myself and sick of people saying.. its all in the past now move on (in the nicest possible way... I hope?) but when you feel so rotten all the time its not easy.. as i,ve been seeing today from you all.
I,ve lost my get up and go which was always my friend!Life and soul of any party..
I just was,nt prepared to feel so bad for so long with my emotions bouncing from every wall in sight.. no.one warns you that it will/could happen and I think once your left to your own devices when your active treatment finishes your left with your life in tatters.. well it is compared to the way it once was!!its hard to stay positive when you feel so rubbish.
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly it does help when you know your not on your own.. Bless you and thankyou I hope you turn the corner one day soon and bump into yourself again 🙂 Take good care xxhugxx Doz

emmy
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Oh Doz I have just found me! you said it so beautifully I feel exactly the same! I feel like the person I was 12 months ago happy, healthy, bubbly in a new job (was DX after 6 months in post) went away in the middle of treatment and I don't remember her leaving 😞 I now am trying so hard but some days that façade slips and I get so depressed and angry too , this can take me by surprise! Was returning an item in well known store and someone without so much as a by your leave sailed past to the till and I saw red!!I had a picture in my head of hauling her back to the end of the queue,I however did hold on and poor hubby was nonplussed 'cos this is so unlike me. I had grade 3, 2.5cm tumour which was Her+ and oestrogen+ so had chemo, two WLE then rads,Herceptin and on Arimidex, I hate it all, have put on 2 stone I feel fat ,tired and am so trying to get back to some kind of normal whatever that is! I am also now on anti depressants and hoping to go back to work in a few weeks even if for a couple of mornings but honestly? don't know if it is what I want in fact got to a place where I don't know anything. I guess like you only having been there can you really understand how hard it is, people seem to think it all over and done with but I somehow feel I held on through the treatment and now feel really flat? does that make sense? Anyhoo we WILL get there and I am sure someone will come along to tell us there is light at the end of this grim tunnel we have been through. meanwhile BIG hug you are not alone xxx

Doz1949
Member

Where did I go????

Hi girls
I am now 10 mths post op so a relative oldie compared to some of you young girlies bless you all.. I,m 61 a nurse, very much a bubbly person NO lets rephrase that... WAS a very bubbly person, Where did I go??? I,ve had lots of trauma's in my life lost both my parents within 36 hrs and within 6 months my marriage broke down, Then Bang!! I didnt think anything could ever effect me as bad as that all did... But I was so wrong the grieving for myself, as selfish as that seems has been soul destroying !! B.C took my feet out from under me and i,m still trying to find terra firma!! After my op I acquired a golf ball size heamatoma which remained until I started R/therapy in Jan..Then I started taking Letrozole..body started to change,put on weight aches and stiffness started so lost myself in a fog in Feb found out I had fibrosis in my poor battered boob, cat napped for most of the month just slowly loosing the person I was before diagnosis so thinking it was the best thing to do I went back to work March... Yes it helped but I just dont feel the same anymore.. I always feel slightly on edge, the flushes make me feel strange when they start up.. almost a doom n gloom feeling comes over me and a nervousness that is unexplained.. then the skin starts to leak and my head feels in bits for a couple of mins!! Nothing like the sweats n flushes i,d already been thro when I was on change... Thought I was depressed I,m not sleeping well at all cant remember the last time I slept all night,So the happy go lucky person has gone!! with good reason I suppose, but after chatting with a Phsycologist (wonderful people) at the Oncology Centre he put things into perspective.. The R/therapy treatment I had is equivelant to 35,000 chest x.rays all in the space of a month so yes I would be feeling all these things. I,ve tried to stay positive throughout and hide behind a mask when with friends and family,I dont think anyone can guess at how much it affects you, were all different we all have our own unique B.C but the trauma of it all stays with me all the time and sometimes its hard to see thro it.. I,ve got the jitters now as my 1st check up is due in Nov and after the initial treatment is over OP/Therapy/Tablets your pretty much on your own till your yearly visit is due (tho the McMillan nurses are angels and always there if you need them.. tho you dont like to keep harping on)so Nov it comes to the surface again for me.. and I know i,m not the same person who sat in that room and listened to a stranger telling me what I dreaded the most..the Positive cancer result 😞 I feel my life is now lived one day at a time and somewhere along the road I might find myself again??? I guess on saying all this for the first time and reading what i,ve written I can see i,m still there somewhere so perhaps as time goes by it will all be put into perspective one day and the happy me will come up for air... has anyone else post op/treatment felt the same or is it that I need the proverbial foot up the rectum?
To all you Ladies who are travelling this same road I wish you sunshine and flowers at the end of what I feel is a long hard journey Bless you all xxxxxxxhugxxxxxxxx Doz