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Where did I go????

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Re: Where did I go????

Anne I was nearly 2years post op when I needed to go to counselling I too just got on with it mainly on my own pretending to cope so family wouldn't worry and now know it was wrong as you can't do it on your own and need to let others in.Thats why I go with Phil 2all his apps as support is what is needed.Maybe you are at that point where the enormity of what you went through has just hit home be gentle with yourself and the shower is a good place to let the tears flow big hug Janice xxxxx
amd66
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Re: Where did I go????

Thank emmy and janice, i have been seen counsellor from a local cancer charity, but think we just seem to discuss different aspects each time and she like all ofus knows how easy it is to be hard on ourselves. i have also been on anti dep since last year. I think family now realise it is a slow process, and i am just quieter about things than i was.
i took all the chemo etc in my stride and even the diagnosis, so thats why getting back to 'normal' is harder and i know its still early days. I wonder Janice whether through the gp would be more specific,the charity has volunteers and i know my counsellor is still a teacher so she must be good? or cbt? more intense maybe??
lots of love
anne xxx
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Re: Where did I go????

Oh Em Didn't realise you we're going to be 60 but as my daughter said to me on mine "it's just a number".I didn't realise just Hugh Laurie played ands sang till I saw him on t.v the other week and he was really good I am sure you will have a great time.
Ann I agree with EmAnd others see your G.P and counselling is very good I know it helped me immensely just hoping I can get some more when my counsellor gets back to work.Having cancer has been likened to post traumatic stress disorder and maybe your daughter and O.H don't realise how it affects you for a long long timer afterwards.My husband did say he didn't realise how awful it must have been for me until he is now in similar position so don't think you are being a wimp as it is one of the worst things that can happen when the word cancer is mentioned so do try to get help and as Doz says get your family to read some of the stuff on here.Big hug on its way.
To everyone else enjoy the sunshine while we have it love hugs and spoons Janice xxxxx
emmy
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Re: Where did I go????

Hi Anne, I had to reply to your post cos it was all of us at one time or another! I ended up having to see my GP who put me on anti d's and yes it does change you! I struggled through treatments at the time (finished Herceptin April last year) being told there are no side effects from that but then one of the lovely chemo nurses just mentioned moods about something and I went off like a rocket, crying so hard they closed the curtains round me!! I was then taken off to a room with the BCN who asked how long I had been feeling like this? Yes so negative,tired and really unhappy it was when I was trying to explain that it felt like someone had stolen the colours out of my days (every day felt grey) that she advised I see GP for help and it was the best thing I could have done. I had coped throughout 19 months of treatment just determined to get to the next thing when it all hit me like a train!! I realised that it had been happening so slowly I hadn't realised how negative I had become, but it is no wonder when you think of everything not exactly a journey of choice nor pleasant (I have a needle phobia then get told H is delivered by three weekly drips!) but I put on the brave face whilst slowly falling apart! Seem familiar? See your GP and ask for some counselling. As for hubby and daughter they too have been on this journey of fear and I greatly believe they found it frightening too, my OH became ill during my Rads and I realised how scary it is to watch someone you love go through this as they cannot do anything and our instinct with loved ones is to try to do something! Instead it is down to your docs and nurses so they feel helpless. They are probably feeling relieved now (it's over) but for you the reality is kicking in. Go get some help flower it will get better and though you may never be the same person you once were you can be happy again.
Funny thing Jane you saying about your daughter, I think looking at what gems came out of our journeys is not a bad thing to find for ourselves and there is always a gem if not a handful!? I now know who 'real' family and friends are and found the flutterbys who have been 'my little corner' I say with all honesty that it is a good thing to see the gems and bless ya you found yours. What about a corner on these posts for the nice things? we share our ups and downs so maybe our gem be it one or many would be a good. I am going to Birmingham on my 60th birthday courtesy of my lovely son and DIL to see Hugh Laurie at the symphony hall and staying overnight in a posh hotel! ( if they don't chuck me out!) with OH and hopefully doing some shopping 🙂 of course! I love jazz along with lots of genres of music but also have a secret crush on Mr Laurie from watching House! So I am quite excited !
Got one more app with GP for bloods then tooth out at dentist Monday so this will be behind me by then so may even have a glass of wine or two!
For all our flutterbys going through any deep doo,doo right now the hand is on it's way along with some spoons,love and of course group hug Em xxxxxx

GIJaneH
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Re: Where did I go????

Hang on in there Ann. Have you been to GPto tell him/her how you feel? You wouldn't be the only one on antidepressants if you needed them. On the positive side, my lovely daughter is obviously preparing to move in with her partner now she's got a job down there. We were having a chat about stuff last night, and at the end I said something like "you hear about mums and daughters being friends, and there was a time when I didn't think we would ever feel like that, but I think now we are?" And SHE said 'I used to be jealous of friends at uni who said they're mums were friends. It's the gift that cancer has given us. I like to think that was it's purpose". Wow! Big hug followed that... Precious. Sometimes we have no idea what gems we will find after the grot...

love to all

jane

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi Anne
Just a quickie as I,m visiting again tonight, only to pop some shopping in and have a cuppa,
Just reading your post brings that dreadful hopeless feeling back and I can only add what Helen has put.. Go and talk to a councillor sweetie we've all been there and I suspect we've all done it, feel so sorry for you as it's a rotten feeling when the negatives outweigh the positives 😞 depression can come in all forms and I suspect you just need to spill it all out and put it all into perspective and what better to talk to someone who has heard it all before, to give you the direction you need... Have you thought of letting your family have a read on this site, not necessarily on this section but on ones that relate to feelings after the shock of diagnosis and treatment.. It might help you if they understood just what you have been through and.. Still going through 😞 xx
Love and hugs to you all and a few spoons for those in need.. Flutter gently but keep on fluttering xxxxxhugsxxxx
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

hello All, hope you are enjoying these lovely, warm days and evenings.
Anne, I can really relate to what you are describing. I sometimes hear myself being negative and feel so upset that this too is what bc has done to me as I wasn't like this before. Have you considered going for some counselling - what you have had to deal with would have an impact on anyone and sometimes it just helps to have a safe place where you can talk, where someone who is not judging you asks the questions you have been avoiding. I have had 4 sessions so far - some uncomfortable moments but overall, starting to move on a bit. I think it is very upsetting for us (well it has been for me) when you realise that this bl**dy disease has had a negative impact on our family, especially children whatever their age.
I went to see my GP today - to get the "fit to work" note that HR now require. So, that's done and we discussed my volcanic night sweats;she has given me a higher dose of mirtazapine to see if that helps but has al;so urged me to raise it at my Onc appointment on Monday. Work (tasks) was really good today, lots of exciting projects for me to work on. Tired now so having a cup of decaff and another ginger biscuit (ginger is one of my five a day, right?).
Take care and be kind to yourself
Helen

amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

I seemed to have got through a second day, still feeling that i am pretending to some degree. sitting in staff room and not feeling a part of it, listening to conversations and not having anything to add.
Husband and daughter have just had big chat with me , first time ive cried for ages, that i am being so negative about everything. that i am repeating all the gloom on the phone and its not fair, that people dont need to hear it all. it was about how long since treatment finished and that we havent moved on. a lot of talk about my job, Helen, my daughter is feeling fed up of me being miserable. just giving off a vibe, even if i dont say anything i have tried to share all we have said on here that it has changed me, i dont want to be like this and its not deliberate. and its early days, they feel its been a few months and nothing is different.
from this i now i have to not be so negative on the phone to my family. i have told them i am unhappy in my job and as above in the staff room i dont feel a part of it.
i understand all that they have said, but its not easy. i know they are feeling fed up. i dont know how to make it better,
anne
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Re: Where did I go????

Anne glad you coped with the day I just knew you would well done.
Helen I am going to make some ginger biscuits when my daughter comes in 2weeks glad you too coped at work.
I was so lucky I didn't go back to work it was a struggle for a while but we get by and we have done all the hols we wanted to do so now we are just concentrating on getting Philip through his op and look forward to a future together.
Doz good news about Carol hope things work out and at least you will not be worried about her if she has carers to help her it takes pressure from you a bit.
How are our other flutterby a faring hope you are ok and hand there for you Em for all your apps
Love,hugs and spoons to all Janice xxxxxxxx
amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

doz, glad its better news for your sister, and you are fine to be thinking a little about you, 15 miles isnt round the corner.
thank you for your good wishes re school, I did take it in my stride not all enjoyable but I dont think anyone guessed!
and just enjoyed the fact of being home by 4pm,
much fluttering to you all
anne xxx
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi All, good news about your sister Doz for her and for you. Hope her move home goes smoothly and all the support kicks in properly.
Ginger biscuits munched and a good day had by all - if I concentrate on my what I am doing then I really like being back at work. But if I think of the politics or lack of management then I just feel anxious/angry - so just not thinking about it.
Hope your day went well Anne, hi to everyone else.
Helen

Doz1949
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Re: Where did I go????

Ooooh Helen yummy Ginger biscuits.. nothing like a bit of sin food for making us feel better 🙂 and while your at it i,ll have some I just love GINGER in all forms 🙂 my latest treat has been chunks of stem ginger in dark Chocolate OMG delicious!! And I wonder why i,m putting weight on again!!! tut tut!
Well I,m sooo jealous listening to all you have been up to, I,m on my last shift for this week and I cant say its been easy 😞 i,m so tired its been to warm to sleep and too warm to work and still the heating on the ward gets turned up??
Good news re my sister she is being discharged this week sometime, once they can get carers in to help her with washing and dressing, She had the occupational therapist do a home visit on friday and they are happy for her to go home with a little tweek here and there, it will be such a relief to know she is having daily visits and as bad as it sounds it just takes a bit of the weight of my shoulders... tho i,ll still worry about her, she lives about 15 miles away so its not always that easy to just pop in...
So many posts to catch up on and now i,ve read them I hav,nt got time to answer you all 🙂 but I am sending love and hugs to everyone and a few spoons thrown in for any one who might need them... oh and yes the hand too 🙂 its always there to give a virtual sqeeze Flutter gently Butterflies xxxxhugsxxx
HJU63
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Re: Where did I go????

Hi Anne, hope all goes well tomorrow. Try to pace yourself - much easier to say then do!
had a lovely weekend pottering in the house and garden. Friend gave me some rhubarb and made a delicious crumble - yum, yum. I find that baking is one of life's pleasures for me; also made ginger biscuits to take into work tomorrow as home baking usually makes most meetings go better.
Helen

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Re: Where did I go????

Thanks Ann we are going to call in on Friday after Phils scan its just so nice and peaceful and everyone is in the same boat so no need to pretend if you get my gist.Been sunny today but not been out as grandson came for a few hours e is so lush 13and quite sensible asks Phil how he is coping and just so nice.Hope everyone has had a nice weekend and that the sun has shone for you all take care love and hugs Janice xxxxx
p.s Will be ther with some confidence for you tomorrow Ann it's not easy but you will get there I am sure xxxxx
amd66
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Re: Where did I go????

hi ladies, great to read the latest posts,
doz, cant believe the headaches with the windows so much for trying!
quick update on job as i go back to school tomorrow, have been boosting myself up to go with the flow,
had a bummer with extra hours at building society, its a no go, they have just moved someone from another branch. am really upset but cant change it. have asked several friends to look out for a couple of days for me, something local. have to just plod on, i know now is not the time to face interviews. like i said before, i wish i had more of a choice but have to settle for now. no lottery win either this weekend!
so nice in weird way that a lot of the posts echo its not normal. this thing is huge and although i sailed through with minimal side effects, its okay to have the rubbishy days.
have been writing little prayers and positive things to help.' tomorrow i approach my day in calm and quiet confidence.'
much love hugs and spoons
Anne xxxxxxx
janice hope you and phil have good rest at maggies
Ann_W
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi bobz
I too have a very sore and hard nipple after the Rads, none of the creams have helped . My daughter has bought me a Medela contact nipple shield ( for breast feeding ) it has stopped the nipple catching on bra or clothes so it less sore its a godsend. She got it in Boots try it as I'm sure it will help you. I have had it stuck on all day under my kaftan (without a bra this time) and it has been great.
Ann W xx
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Re: Where did I go????

My goodness the flutterby fingers have certainly been busy what a lot of posts today
Em Phils op is July 11th so 6 weeks away but time to get over the chemo and maybe build up some stamina to aid his recovery as it takes about 6 hours.I think he is also suffering from chemo brain so I am having to be wife helper carer personal assistant and receptionist to mention some of the things I do Ha ha.Finding it hard to maintain sense of humour these days.
On our local news tonight they are trialling a new drug in the fight to cure cancer.It has been developed at the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation it works by getting cancer cells to attack and kill each other so if trials are successful it could be a major breakthrough.It will be able to treat all cancers.Hope its successful but no doubt some other disease will come along in its place.
I am going to try and book a massage soon as haven't had one for a while and they do help me feel relaxed.
I agree with what you all say about people and their reactions a guy we know said he could remember this mother telling him not to talk to someone as they had cancer as if it was catching.I also remember as a young nurse not being allowed to mention the word when talking to patients and very often they weren't told what was wrong with them and that was late 60s.How things have changed but not people as Em says Nought so Queer as Folks.
re hot flushes I am fine all day then as soon as I get into bed they start I spent even the coldest nights outside of the duvet.When I mentioned S.Es to consultant all he said was you've only got just under 3 years left on it so no sympathy from him.I take Letrozole and so suffer with achy joints as well.The cure seems worse than the disease but if it helps prevent it recurring then I will suffer.
Sunshine today so finished putting plants in garden which is very therapeutic as the birds keep popping down to get worms for their babies and its nice to just empty the mind for a short while.
To everyone keep those wings dry love hugs and spoons Janice xxxxxxxx
amd66
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Re: Where did I go????

Ditto, helen i was er+ so on tamoxifen, thanks emmy for telling me why the bone scans are necessary.
re the head massage, it should be good for circulation and stimulation, you could always ask for them to go a bit gentle to normal, its all around neck ears etc, so not just on your scalp. i learnt it a year ago, and would love you to be nearby and i could get my stamini up and soothe all the flutterbys, one day!!!
I remember reading that some ladies managed in olive oil, or grapeseed oil when their hair first came back, and rosemary oil is good to add.
Helen how long on tam? i only started in march and the side effect has been big horrible spots, im 46 and still get some anyway but now on forehead, and i havent got a fringe to hide them.
heres to a positive weekend with gentle acceptance that we are doing the best we can, and im the worst one to take this advice!!!
and Janice just read your post,hope you are feeling okay too, hthank you for your help and extra spoons and hugs
Anne x
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi Emmy, where are you in your treatment?
I remember clearly the chemo brain - I too had to describe things when I just couldn't find the word. I would forget things immediately and forget whole conversations completely. I finished chemo 6 months ago and am pleased to say that most of these chemo SEs have gone - I occasionally lose a word and forget things when I am tired, but in the main the old brain function has been restored. I don't really know much about Herceptin and its SEs as I am ER+ but HER2-, so I am more familiar with Tamoxifen. Are you still on Herceptin and how does it affect you?
Helen

emmy
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Re: Where did I go????

Just a quick line to reassure you Anne, I have bone scans very two years as I am on Arimidex which can thin the bones so am checked to ensure I don't need additional calcium. I just got wound up as all my apps came together so have them all in two weeks! 😞 one of them at a time gets me on the old worry wagon but I also have quite bad arthritis and have apps for that, I have gone from a very active working full time woman to almost an old lady who shuffles on bad days 🙂 I do have good days and enjoy them as long as I don't do too much otherwise I am flat out for a few days which is really frustrating!!!! I have never been one to sit around but am slowly learning that life is just as good if I pace myself and if it's a bad day then it's not the end of the world!
Helen I am afraid I too had the talk! Ask if you need extra help, tell us if its too much then after a few weeks I got by the way we have changed your job and here is a new job description along with a new contract to sign so you only get paid for the hours you do (they were doing that anyway!) so I had a word with my union who were fab but eventually it all got too much and I had to leave or make myself ill or kill someone so guess what I did? Our lovely ami was telling me to rest as I was still on Herceptin and incredibly tired all the time so looked a total nana when I finally burst into tears in work and that's when I decided enough was enough the support was none existant though they said all the right things they were not prepared to give me the extra time I needed to do things and I was made to feel an idiot with my chemo brain as I could ask something walk a few steps and have to ask again!! I still have a struggle with words I am famous with OH for describing the things I mean!! I said we had spiky things in the garden and yes meant nettles 🙂 bless he is used to my charades now but has never made me feel as inadequate as they did in work so less money but I feel much better doing things at my own pace on my terms! Have you got a union? They are good but can't change attitudes just make them aware of the law which is quite sad as having read that more of us will have cancer with time I think all employers need to get their acts together!
Janice how are things with Phil? Or do I mean grumpy? I am glad you are getting some me time at Maggies you so deserve something nice!! 🙂 and I am sure grumpy will be back to himself before much longer and you have gained some space for yourself from this stressful time. Do you know when the op is yet? Let us know and you can have the hands back!!
Jane I hope you feel as rested as I did whilst on holiday sadly I feel like it was ages ago already but hopefully when all the rubbish is over I will feel better,specially with some more of that bright thing in the sky! I did feel for you over your daughter it feels like you are happy for her but going to miss the wonderful support she obviously has been to you, it isn't too far and what a wonderful excuse to get away for weekends!! Hand holding for you too methinks!
Doz my flower it WILL come right for you once you get some me time which won't be long now , Wimbledon know you are on your way?? I do hope that Dan's legal stuff gets sorted and Vik gets to do something she really wants whatever that is and gets better for your trip!! 🙂 Another hand on its way oops! Goodness Janice you are right but they are magical flutterby hands like the spoons some extra when you need them!
To all our beautiful flutterbys I have missed I hope you all have a wonderful,sunny weekend and flutter kindly,gently and sending the usual spoons,love and group hug Emmy xxxxx errrr!! Not quite the quickie I started out to do 🙂

HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi Bobz. Love your picture. I too am feeling more positive today and attribute it in part to the sunshine but also to a good night of sleep. The flushes were less volcanic than normal and I am grateful for that.
My elder son has been at Uni for 3 years now and although my other son is at home there is much less noise as the normal brotherly banter is not there. Currently my OH is working away from home and here is just the 2 of us - REALLY quiet.
Anne, the spa sounds lovely and your treatments intriguing - never experienced cranial sacro "massage"? but I do love having my scalp massaged. My new hair is babysoft and I am wondering how robust it is - could it withstand a head massage? I guess there is only one way to find out, and I still have my wigs to hand though I think they would be very hot at the moment.
I am sitting in my front room with the windows open and able to hear the birds sing as I work and surf - it really is good to feel the sun and hear the birds.
Helen

amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Cant get rid of duplicate aaaahhhhhhhhh xxx now its gone.
Bobz lovely to have some one new on here, i only found this a few weeks ago and its so nice feeling im not alone, what is normal after all this,
much love to all
Anne xx
amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Doz, i hope today has been a better day, its sunny down here. Im still feeling a bit fragile, and trying not to think too much.
I hope the seller has stuck to her word. not that I know much background to your family and Daniel.
i went to a local charity spa day yesterday and it should leave you positive after some good relaxation etc. its done in a converted oast buildings, which are lent out to christian conferences. the owners have an indoor pool for us to use. and they take 2 therapists along, yesterday was cranio sacral, quite gentle but dont really understand how it tunes into your body. then a shiatsu lady which i tried. loved it, gentle moving and working along your energy meridans.
i met 2 ladies with different cancers, who cant be treated anymore. both in pain but positive and making the best of it.
it should make me grateful to have gone through mine and i am but cant shake off this edgy feeling.
I went down to our tkmaxx and tried things on, but the pleasure isnt there like it used to be.
Emmy, good luck with your appointments, whats the reason for your bone scans (only if you are happy to write on here)
time to think about being gentle and putting clothes away.
bobz
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Thanks for the welcomes, much appreciated. Was feeling really down yesterday so it was very helpful to be able to vent and know that someone in cyberland knows where I'm coming from. Feeling a bit more positive today, must be something to do with the sunshine, although, for some reason I can't fathom, my feet are freezing and the rest of me is soooo hot.
Jane: My youngest left home last November, which leaves me and hubby roaming around a 3 bedroom house and it's sooo quiet so can empathise. I miss telling him to turn his music down LOL. It does get easier but I really look forward to visits.
Doz: You are such a busy lady and still find time to offer encouragement to others. Thank You.
Janice: I'm feeling a bit more human today, thanks.
Helen: Feeling like a wimp, don't think I could have coped with working too. I was made redundant at the end of March, when this was all kicking off, so I have had to get my head around that too, but I certainly don't have the wherewithall to be 'looking'. I think you've done grand and 'management' should be ashamed of themselves.
Hugs to everyone and hope you have a good weekend
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi All, warm and fuzzy thoughts to all. I too wrote a long post yesterday and it disappeared into the ether. I was feeling too sorry for myself to have another go so stayed at home, on my own having a good old wallow. Doz, you do seem to be having more than your fair share of challenges at the moment - virtual hugs sent over ((())). Jmr I hope you had a peaceful and relaxing time at Maggies. I am going back to the Penny brohn Centre in Bristol in a few weeks - can't wait, really enjoyed my first visit.
Been very teary and emotional for about 2 weeks and part of this was the impact of work and the tiredness brought on by working. When I started back to work I was told that if I was ever struggling I was just to ask for help and they would slow things down or make other adjustments. Foolish, foolish me for believing this. I have asked for help and now they are treating me as if I am not fit to do any work at all, I have to get a note from my GP to confirm that I am!!!. An HR person has just reminded me that I already had an extended phased return in a "you should be grateful" kind of way - infuriating. I was trying to take responsibility for my long-term return and not do anything that might result in more time off but now I am wishing I had just kept my mouth shut and scaled back on my hours secretly. I feel there is an enormous need to educate managers (and staff) in organisations about the impct of cancer on people and how long it takes to get over that treatment. I feel that because I look healthy and active treatment is finished that I am seen as a bit of a skiver.
In fact, I think I might give Macmillan a call and see if I can work with them to do something because I sure as h*ll would hope that I can help make improvements for those who have to follow this path in the future. Feeling fired up now and with a positive focus. Enjoy the sunshine, Helen

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Re: Where did I go????

You are right Doz everyone is having something going on at the minute so it's good to offload on here.We will just have to blow our stacks and then get back to pretending everything is fine.
Welcome Bobz hope we can be of help and let you know you are not aloneEm hope apps go okay and for you and others who need it the hands to hold.I am thinking of trying to grow a few more as I think everything needs one at the minute.I wrote a long post last night and don't know whether I sent it or not as it hasn't appeared so sending a short version hope you all have some sunshine today to dry your wings and tears love and hugs Janice xxxxxx
Doz1949
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Re: Where did I go????

Gosh busy Flutterbys fluttering in and out 🙂 Here goes...
Jane I,m so pleased for your daughter that's a brilliant achievement 🙂 and yes when they up and leave the nest it's sometimes a hard pill to swallow but it does get easier and you have something to look forward too when they visit.. I wish her all the luck in the world 🙂 x
Janice I am thinking about you both today and hope its over with quickly so you can start to get your lives a bit more in order bless ya.. x
Welcome Bobz your certainly talking to the right people on here.. We,ve all been there with the positives only to be let down by the emotions.. It would take too long to read through all the posts but each and every one of us has been there done that got the t,shirt only to have gained a sweatshirt on the way... its just the way BC or any other cancer for that matter leaves its effects.. The Gift That Keeps On Giving... Be gentle with yourself keeps on coming out of all our mouths but its sooo true, we all need to remember that when our emotions kick off be it anger fear or just downright sadness we are allowed to feel it 😞 so don't ever feel its not normal as it is.... Too many of us once strangers all doubted our sanity but we must be normal as we all feel the same xx
My pj night put things into perspective and yes your advice is sound one thing at a time xx I just wish everyone around me would let me 😞 Sister is so stubborn and does,nt listen I,m sure she thinks I (her little sister) is play acting at being a nurse 😞 she,s alienating everyone (except me... She can't get rid of me that easy 🙂 by being so grumpy all the time, I know it's fear of what the future holds for her, so tried to get her to talk to McMillan nurses... That hit a brick wall... She is under the impression they are for the care of the dying and won't take it on board and no matter how much I try to tell her they are a wonderful support for getting on with your life she won't listen, she said if her tumour is going to end her life then maybe she will contact them aaaaaaargh! So yes frustrating to say the least and stubborn does,nt come into it 😞 i will continue dealing with that...
Daniel is now getting just as grumpy .. With good reason I suppose but again I feel like the punchbag being in the middle of contact for him and the rest of the so called bunch working for the purchase of this blessed house! Sigh! And I cocked up with the repairs to his window 😞 I got the Property company who are dealing with rental to get a glazier in.... Thought that was what they did, only to find Daniel had already got a glazier friend in..... So yes my mantra today is.... next time tell me AND...."If you want anything else doing DOITYOURSELF.COM I,m busy!!!!"
well that was a darned good offloading 😞 sorry flutterbys wings got a bit soggy yesterday AND today IS another day so any pooh that's on it's way can just sail right past me 🙂
Have a lovely weekend whatever your doing and wherever your going flutter gently and remember that ME time and repeat after me BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES 🙂 xxxxxxspoonsxxxx&hugsxxxxxx
katieb
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Re: Where did I go????

What a lot of posts! It seems we're all feeling fragile at the moment but the support on here always helps.
Doz, hope you're feeling a little better today - you always have so much to cope with, I've said it before but you are an inspiration.
I've got the book Norms mentioned - it is very good. Janice - hope Phil gets on ok today and you have a nice break at Maggies, hugs to you both.
I think we all have our tearful moments (I was full up reading the posts). It doesn't matter what stage you are at, it just takes one small thing to bring it on.
Jane 2 - I feel for you with blood test - they tried to take it from my foot once, really hurt & still couldn't get it. When I went hospital last week they did get it from my left arm which has been rubbish, but perhaps veins do improve.
I think we all get anxious as appts loom - its to be expected, normal for us. Still waiting for my CT scan appt.
The weather is supposed to improve tomorrow and for the weekend - so perhaps a bit of sunshine will lift us.
Tread gently and take care of YOU.
Stella xxxx

Elsa
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Re: Where did I go????

Oh Doz...this is all so overwhelming..no wonder you're curling up in your pj's Flutter gently honey; deal with one thing at a time and you will get there. I hit a wall a couple of weeks ago and just came to a standstill as there was so much going on. I just stopped coping for a day or two and wasn't achieving anything either at work or with my uni course and that's when I stepped off the treadmill and went off sick from work. That one day off gave me some breathing space and time to get things into perspective and get going again.
Emmy-good to hear from you again but sorry to hear that you're going through all this angst. I've got a check up looming on June 12th so already starting to get anxious about it; I can't help myself and nothing I do will help; just got to go and get on with it I guess. Sending you multiple hands to hold for each appointment x
I know I've probably said this before but I am taken aback by the emotional impact that BC has; I wasn't expecting it to last so long and this feeling of vulnerability and fragility keeps reappearing at unexpected times; even now, writing this it's bringing all those feelings back from last year and here I go crying. Time for a coffee I think!

bobz
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Just read through some posts, which has eased my mind a little, thanks girls. I have been positive about all this from day one, this thing isn't going to beat me, I said. My hubby was totally gutted, so difficult to talk about me coz in his mind he was trying to get around the thought that I might 'leave him' (he's sort of ok now, bless him). Telling family and friends was the biggest hurdle but everyone was ok and supportive after the initial shock. Didn't tell anyone at work, apart from management, as I didn't want to be treated any different, can't stand fuss, like to just crack on with things, after all it could have been so much more serious. I have sailed through my surgery (I'm a good healer) and radiotherapy, apart from the fact that my nipple is so hard and sore and the muscle under my arm can be painful at times, but I'm persevering with the exercises and I was expecting that. Now I'm waiting for my 6 week review appointment to arrive. That being said, what the heck is going on with me? People drop round and I just want to scream at them to go away and leave me alone, instead I smile and tell them I'm fine. I can't be bothered with doing the simplest of chores, although I do make myself do it. One minute I'm hot, then cold and I burst into tears for no reason. I wake several times in the night and I'm tired all day and if I venture out for a walk, when I get back I sleep for 2 hours. I ache so much it's a chore to get out of bed in the morning. I'm fed up and want to get back to normal. Thanks for listening to my rant.
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Re: Where did I go????

I bet you are so proud Jane but its not the other side of the world and you will see her often.All of mine live away as no work for them in this area but they are just a phone call away.Just off to hospital for the day and its windy and rainy so won't be missing any nice weather big hug Janice xxx
GIJaneH
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Re: Where did I go????

Yippee and sob! I know - weird... but my darling daughter has just rung to say she's got promotion (she's a physio) and a job in a hospital in Surrey, near her partner. I'm trilled for her. They want to get married and really live together, rather than just weekends as it is now, but I shall miss her SOOOO much. She was absolutely amazing during diagnosis/treatment. DOn't know what I'd have done without her... I don't know what I will do without her... but she's ready to fly the nest, and I AM thrilled and excited for her.... funny mix of feelings innit?

Hope we all have a better day... <<<<< hug >>>>> Janice....
and <<<<< hug >>>>>> to anyone else needing one this morning

Jane xx

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Re: Where did I go????

Gosh so many posts to catch up on so not going to attempt to reply to everyone individually just to say the mantra Be Gentle With yourselves.I have had a bad day as a dear friend died last night it was a blessing as she had lung cancer but it is like the end of a.Big part of my life as she was older than me so I have known her all my life and she once said Philip and I were like part of the family.Chemo day tomorrow(last one ) but I know I can go to Maggie centre for a break so that will help.Mind not been too good past few days but hopefully will be able to resume counselling soon she has been off sick and I didn't want to see someone new so fingers crossed.
So flutter gently girls rest when you can cry scream shout whenever you need to but remember we are all here for each other love hugs spoons to everyone Janice xxxxxx
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Well said Doz. You really do seem to be having more than your fair share of troubles - take care. I have just read your original posts at the beginning of this thread - spooky how what you wrote about your feelings then are just what I feel at the moment.
On a lighter note, I managed to have a monumental hot flush in a queue in M&S at the weekend - I looked red, sweaty, uncomfortable, embarassed and the shop assistant eyed me up suspiciously. MY OH said that I looked guilty a bit like a nervous shoplifter - so I guess I was lucky to get out without being searched!!
So, off to bed for me now - just need to make up the bed with extra towels to cope with the night sweats. MY OH has had quite a few nights in the spare room since my night sweats started - I found that I also slept better when I wasn't worried about how much my sheets on/sheets off acivities disturbed him. Sadly, he is working away from home at the moment so beyond being disturbed by volcano Helen.
Sleep well all. Helen

Doz1949
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Re: Where did I go????

REPEAT AFTER ME..... BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES 🙂
it is easy to forget how much we have been through and how long it takes for the mind to heal, a lot longer than any of us can comprehend.... And yes if we had a plaster stuck on our forhead we,d get more compassion... Not that we ask for it but it would be nice if people were gentle with us too!
I had an absolutely awful day starting with problems with Daniels mortgage with him working abroad 😞 so now applying elsewhere then the seller rang me threatening to put the house back up for sale and after telling him he could store his furniture in her garage it seems her partner wants £100 a week storage or we have to move it all out by Friday Aaaaaaaaaargh! Sob! Finally calmed her down and she has now agreed to wait tho I drove past tonight and a for sale sign is propped up against the door??? then the lad who is renting Daniels apartment rang to stay one of the bedroom windows had a small leak could I fix it?? Er noooo?Rang the company who are letting it for him and Now got glazier going in tomorrow! BUT it transpires he has,nt paid this months rent 😞 Then had to get Vikki to Pain clinic...head all over the place 😞 Then took my sister some tea in to hospital and did she give me grief.... She sure did... over something my younger sister had said! I,m afraid I cut my visit short and now sat curled up in my pj,s feeling like I,ve got the troubles of the world hanging over me.... So tonight it's BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF thinking of you all and how shite life can be sometimes... But tomorrow is another day... I,m not answering the phone or going out till its time for work 🙂
Flutter gently girlies we will get there xxxxxxxhugsxxxxxx
emmy
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Re: Where did I go????

Hi flutterbys! I wasn't going to post for a while as I have issues to deal with then on reading tonight realised we are all feeling a bit fragile! I had a lovely two weeks in Cornwall with a bit of a mixed bag weather wise but we managed to get out most days and even had a couple of glorious days which were much appreciated (roll on proper summer!) this holiday was to set me up for all the tests I have come home to, yesterday went for bone scan only to be asked to do another so there goes the mind again!? 😞 the woman who did my scan with assistant and I got chatting about the joys of Arimidex which actually helped as she had her dx Jan last year but looked amazing? Then told me how rubbish she feels some days Phew! So not just me! The dreaded mammo on Mon then review with GP on Thursday to include even more dreaded blood test, when are our veins better anyone know? They take it from my foot which ends in tears such a wuss I am! Then to top it all tooth to be removed on 10th June so I am feeling a bit wobbly! Sorry I didn't want to sound like a moan but why oh why does it all come at once?
Reading the bit on flushes made me smile as poor hubby gets disturbed by my 'covers on', 'covers off' routine! So now we agree when he is really tired he sneaks off to the spare room!! 🙂 I also find that it gets worse in shops I look like a beetroot!! The times I have caught sight of myself and thought I look like I am sun burned!
Well enough of my moans! I see we have new flutterbys and I want to say welcome and say its wonderful how this group is growing! Doz you really started something there! 🙂 Being gentle with yourselves is a real byword here and you will have good days ,bad days but always remember posting on here really helps!
sending spoons (Jane sounds like you need some extra!) much love and a big group hug Emmy xxxxxx

GIJaneH
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hugs to all. I've probably said this before, but I found being gentle with myself really really hard. It was a bigger challenge than 'grit teeth and smile and get through treatment'. It's an ongoing challenge. Currently pooped, so I need to be gentle tonight/rest of week....

take care,of,yourselves flutterbies.....

Jane

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Re: Where did I go????

Anne- my Macmillan nurse gave me a book to read its called "the Cancer Survivor's Companion" its very good! It gives practical ways of coping with your feelings after cancer! Think it should be given to everyone at the of their treatment! It doesnt matter when you finished treatment !
Im going to buy it, as have to give it back tomorrw!
i hope something comes your way soon, with everything you've been through you deserve to be happy in a job that you enjoy! Think him upstairs needs to start looking after us ladies for once!
Luv Norm xxxx
amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Thank you norms. I finished rads end of february, and another friend said its like being put out of a spin dryer and yes thank you for the remindier. i am not being gentle on myself today, but its got better as the evening goes on.
I am still hoping for a lucky break with the job situation, not happy at school and am thinking too much about it but for now i have to take day by day, and its not awful.
and just read Helen's message. thank you. we just forget too easily all that has happened and think we can be okay,
thank you xxxx
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Re: Where did I go????

Amd- you are not alone, we are on this journey together, we my might be at different stages of our treatment but our emotions, fears and feelings are the same!
You told me to take one day at a time and be gentle on myself! So i will say the same to you! As I repeat your words in my head when I'm struggling!
big big hugs Norms xxx
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi All,
well I had a lovely day planned - meeting up with a friend this morning and then tidying up some papers and giving myself a sense of control. When I met with my friend (in a very busy garden centre coffee shop) I started telling her about my return to work and got really upset - I just don't know where it came from, it just came out there and then! Anyway, managed to just snivel rather than out and out weeping but it has made me stop and think about the impact returning to work is having on me. I am working 3 days per week and due to increase to 3.5 next week but am now thinking I need to slow things down as I am sooooo tired and emotional. Also, my manager is either ignoring me or behaving like a moody teenager if he has to speak to me and I just don't need this aggravation. So, with my friend's encouragement I have contacted HR to discuss the situation.
So, this afternoon was much better, sorted out some issues that needed phone calls, sorted out some papers, paid for my car tax - so lots achieved. Turned out to be a good day after all. I am very thankful for good friends - this friend also had BC and reached out to me when I was going through treatment. I am lucky to know her.
AMD, I think that it is perfectly natural to have some bad days as well as good - I am learning that you can't rush your recovery and you have to give yourself time and space to heal. I am not a good student of this lesson as I have been resisting the tiredness and not spending enough time on me and my body. My friend today said that she thought people (maybe including ourselves) would behave differently if we looked ill (after treatment), had a plaster on our arm or leg - there seems to be a lot of pressure to be "normal" and OK and well adjusted just as soon as active treatment has finished. But, it isn't that straightforward and for a while "normal" is a real effort.
Be kind to yourself,
Helen

amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Doz, sorry to hear about vicky andher job, how are things at the hospital todya, and your shoulder did you find out much??
elsa, good news on the brca gene. what a relief xx
wanted to take a bit of height off my hair, and clipped a chunk of it out, thankfully not to the scalp, why do we start this
i didnt shave it completely during chemo so the top is a different height to the rest, silly Anne xx
amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hey ladies just looking for some nice words, have been pretty low this afternoon after a busy day yesterday having coffee and cake with a chemo friend from the ward, it makes you realise youre not alone and its hard being normal and going through the motions of daily stuff. i know this is similar to what i said before, but i know you recognise it all, so just good to offlead, sorry.
i wonder if i have done something different today, but i think just too long on my own. haved rushed around, and then sat around with a book and magazine.
love to you all, hopefully norm i wil have better day tomorrow
xx
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Re: Where did I go????

Hi all you lovely flutterbys!
Well miracle grow worked wonders........ On my flowers! Hair very much the same hehee!
Oh my goodness "hot flushes" what s that all about! Looks and feels like I've wet the bed some nights!!! Don't get many during the day! Was advised to take my tamoxifen at night which was to help reduce flushes in the day! Seems to be working at mo! BC has a lot to answer for! Us ladies do not get it easy for being female!! But hey we can still smile !
Im feeling better today ! Strange just woke up in better mood! I'm booked in at my Macmilan day centre for some reflexology and chat with mac nurse tomorrow!
Doz - you are amazing with how you are dealing with everything going on in your life! Bug hugs to u! I'm not looking forward to wearing my uniform with my flushes And forgot about those plastic gloves! there bad enough without hot flushes! Only good thing I'm community and can put my roof down! Well not if I'm still wearing my wig! Could be embarrassing if it flew off and onto car behind me.
Helen- w/e was ok! Had my two glasses of prosecco on sat! gosh! I'm such real lightweight ! Need to sort myself out!l reading fyour thread sounds as if you a lovely few days! You so deserve it!
Stella- my hair is slowly starting to come through! its very thin on the crown and top! But my mad professor look is starting to disappear!

love and hugs to you all Norm xxxxxxxxx
amd66
Member

Re: Where did I go????

is there reason why we cant have starflower oil or evening primrose for hot flushes, another bc patient has been doing it for a few months and said she hasn had any more hot flushes. i reckon im heading for menopause, but after chemo apparetnly they can come back,
will read all your posts again,so much information on them.
nice to hear about the gardening, im still of the cant be bothered vein, just look at it and think its enough, only have smal borders and lots of concrete. may just throw some seeds around and see what happens, v lazy gardening,
im sure the interest will come back.
norm, this is the wierd time, you expect to be normal but things arent that easy,
trying to find little things to enjoy and be gentle on yourself as the flutterbys tell us to
xxx
katieb
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Morning all
Doz - sorry to hear Vickys bad news about the job but perhaps a frest start somewhere else might be a good thing. They don't sound very compassionate at her previous job. I seem to have missed the hot flushes somewhere along the way (thank goodness by the sound of it). Hope I'm not tempting fate now. Its very damp in Leicester as well today, tho rain now seems to have stopped for the time being. Hope the Xrays ok.
Norm - your miracle grow comment made me laugh as well. I think the FASt shampoo is to actually make hair grow longer not stimulate the hair follicles. My hairdresser advised me to take the skin hair and nail tablets - can't say as I've notice a big difference. My problem is still the crown area but at least I' ve got hair!
Hugs to everybody
Stella xxx

Doz1949
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Morning Flutterbys from a very damp and wet Humberside!
i have some very interesting thoughts on hot flushes but unfortunately I,d be banned from the site if I uttered them ;(
Helen you may want to skip this paragraph..... 2 and a half yrs on and I,m still having massive ones 😞 at least 5 big ones a day 😞 and nights are spent throwing the covers off putting the covers back on etc, and if I,m working I,m just soooo hot all the time, if I,m wearing gloves at work which is probably every 5 mins my hands are soaking when I take them off which is infuriating as they are too clammy to put the next pair on so I walk around half the night with large ones on... And then there,s the story about my second armpit.... Inside my elbows can you believe! So my thoughts on hot flushes are !<###%! *+^*{!
Nights over till Thursday I,m doing 4 this week 😞 and I slept rubbish last night I was soooo hot! I,m finally going to get my shoulder looked at today I,m having an X-ray first to see if there is any damage but I,m still positive it's nerve damage from BC op, I,ve had the same pain in my shoulder blade since then, and the same ache down my arm and the same pins and needles in my fingers so unless its a coincidence then the X-ray won't show anything but at least the Dr is starting with an X-ray then see where that leads us!! And to make matters worse its my good old Lymph arm and my right arm and yes I,m right handed so really need to finally get it sorted!
my sister is still in hospital but they are trying to wean her off oxygen today so that's a good sign 🙂
Vikki has finally come to terms with not having a job to go back too, I,m relieved in a way as they did put on her massively and she is a superb chef so when the day finally comes I,m sure she will find another place to work!
Hope the weathers not too bad where you all are though I,m quite enjoying the cool air after such a warm night... How sad is that I,m sat in my little pj,s with the doors wide open and my skin is actually cold 🙂 loving it!
Flutter gently don't get those wings damp xxxxxxhugsxxxx
HJU63
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Hi All,
the weather has been lovely here Sunday & today. Did manage to get to a NT property on Sunday, sat in the sun, walked and watched the wild deer. Didn't make it to The Great Gatsby but watched the Hobbit on DVD - which we missed in the cinema because of my treatment. Today we focussed on the garden - I bought the plants and OH planted them - fab division of labour, I say. OH now left home for his digs as still working away from home in the week. I am gearing up to face work - busy week ahead.
Hope you all are faring well. Doz, hope the final "night" goes ok. JMR, Elsa, GIJ, Norm hope you have all had pleasant, relaxing weekends. Jmr and Phil, hope you have a good week.
Anyone any thoughts on hot flushes - I have been having them since chemo 3 last August but every now and again they become super-dooper intense and really cause me problems at night. Can't think of anything I am doing differently that might impact on them - anyone else had this at all? I even refused the prosecco on the grounds that alcohol might make them worse - if indeed that is possible.
Helen

Elsa
Member

Re: Where did I go????

Doz-poor Vicky; as if she hasn't got enough on her plate at the moment. Glad to hear your sister is looking better though.
Mine's a prosecco....or if I'm feeling flush a good bottle of chateau neuf du pape...yum.
The weather's been glorious the last 2 days and I've been gardening like mad clearing the beds, planting veg seeds; transplanting perennials; putting in new plants; it's been lovely. Yesterday I started gardening at 6am because I woke early and it was so peaceful at that time of day that I might do it more often during the summer months. The weather isn't going to be so good today; I think rain is on the way so a bit of uni work then maybe a trip to the garden centre to fill a bit of a gap in my border!

Norm..I chuckled at the thought of putting miracle grow on your head. Have you read about Fast shampoo (Amazon) as that's supposed to make your hair grow faster..some mixed reviews though and not cheap!
Janice- thinking of you and Phil; glad its his last chemo on Thursday but like you say this is only part of his treatment so sending you both wraparound flutterby hugs.
Love

Jane xx

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Re: Where did I go????

Elsa Jane great news yeeha.Not a prosseco drinker but partial to a nice Merlot or Shiraz as I find sometimes white wine gives me indigestion.Poor you Doz nothing worse than working in those conditions I can remember sweat dripping from me and a little old dear saying isn't it cold ha ha.
We have actually had 2 warm sunny days but forcast not good again.Felt sorry for Phil as he has to keep out of the sun but he is feeling very tired so don't suppose he was too bothered he isn't so bad this time as they have given him Magnesium tablets to take so not suffering lightheadedness.Glad last one is on Thursday but then he has his op to come so still a horrid time.
Em GIJane hope you enjoyed hols even if the weather didn't play ball it was still a break away do hope you have recharged your batteries.
Love hugs and spoons to everyone else love Janice xxxxx
p.s put lots of plants into garden today courtesy of a friend who has an allottment how kind some people are xxxx