Where did I go????

[katieb]

Hi Janice thanks forvthe congrats. Should start next week if all paperwork through, theyve asked me if id like to go in monday 2-3hrs to help with archiving! Probably will - show willing. 

My aches and pains have been a bit better over last couple of months especially soles of my feet which were affected by chemo, which make me wonder if we're still recovering from chemo 3 years on - any thoughts anybody? I hope the break helps you Janice. Cant say as I like the thought of 10 years but if that's what they recommend I'd do it. I have stared taking glucosamine chrondoitrin again as well.

Poor Phil I'm not suprised he's in shock - such a lot to take in. So unfair. Is Phil at home now? I hope so & perhaps enjoying the sunshine. BIG HUG to both of you xxxxx

flutter gently everyone

Stella xxxxx

[JaniceRob]

Hi Stella forgot to say congratulations in getting the job I am sure you will like it.
I saw Oncologist today and she was soo lovely but laid out the reasons why I should continue on Letrizole but I am having a 2 month break and if aches and other problems diminish she will maybe change me to another type of aromatise inhibitor.She also said that they are thinking that they should be taken for ten years I don't think I'd cope with that.She did say if my cancer had been quite small she would have stopped it now.
Phil is not too bad but still shocked by outcome of op the other day and worrying about next op he will have.As whatever they do it will be a bigger op and will have a big scar which is sad as his scar is only about 2and half inches long.Still we have a few weeks before that will happen but we will not enjoy the summer AGAIN. Maybe next year if we are lucky
Take care ladies love and hugs xxxxxxx

[Doz1949]

Always here for you sweetheart you know where I am xxxxxhugxxxxx email on its way xxx

[JaniceRob]

Didn't think things could get any worse but by Jove they have.Poor Phil went to get stent put in and they couldn't get it in so he now has a stent into his kidney through his back so now stoma on the front and drainage bag on the back.This is hopefully to see if his kidney starts working again and if not he will have to have it removed .You can just imagine the shock of it all I can't seem to take it in and Phil is absolutely devastated and says he will certainly not be having the other operation ever.I am certainly not strong at the minute Stella just sitting here all alone crying thanks for being there even if it's nothing to do with B.C love and hugs Janice xxx

[katieb]

Janice sorry to hear about Phil - he's really been through it and therefore you too. As doz says you deserve done answers. I always think you sound do strong & positive so keep that chin up, will be thinking of you both.

Some good news for me - I got a job at last. It's at a residential/nursing home for the elderly very close to where I live, so no buses! It's 30hrs a week, reception/admin and the people seem really nice and friendly just have to wait for DBS check.

Doz hope that shoulder gets sorted this time it's been going on a while. Pleased to hear about Dans job as well.

Hope everybody else is well & enjoying the sunshine.

Stella X

[JaniceRob]

Well it was a Reno gram he had yesterday and apparently his left kidney is only working at 5% capacity so other doing all the work just hope it's sorted as he has to get put right for his second op in 2weeks.my new bird house looks like it may have blue tits moving in so it will be something for Phil to watch while he recovers.Life seems on hold all the time not wanting to book anything as sods law something will go wrong.Just as things go well up comes something to spoil it.I did think we'd turned a corner but it must have been the wrong one.
Love Janice xxx

[Doz1949]

There,s nothing wrong with my tits 🙂 🙂 🙂 I just love the way these electronic gadgets decide what to say 🙂 bless ya xx
Sooo sorry to hear about Phil the poor man must be at his wits end 😞 and you go for it Janice I think you are due some answers xx
Shoulder feels a bit rough today but I think that is to be expected so fingers crossed love and hugs xxhugxx

[JaniceRob]

Yes Doz maybe even a break from it might help.Phil having C.T Scan so will see what's going on when I go in for visiting.He feels okay so very grumpy as he's stuck there and like last year weather beautiful.Car fixed for now at least window us up.He is going to fit new mechanism next week as they are really busy but I will stay dry if it rains again.Hope shoulder improves with injection take care xxxx
Just had call from Phil he has to have op tomorrow to put a stent in his left kidney not a happy bunny as he has another due on 29th May.
I am sure problem with ureter was caused when he had dressings done after his op last year and he heard a nurse say to the other one "I hope you haven't pulled that stent out" and he had to have it reinserted a week later so I am going to see if that has caused all these problems but of course they will not have reported it so I may struggle to get something sorted.I intend rattling cages till I get some answers .
Sorry had to get it off my chest as no- one else to rant to
Doz hope shoulder is helped by injection.Only problem tits not a cure and has to be repeated.Time you were resting it instead of battling on(says she who does just that) take care xxxxxx

[Doz1949]

Aw Janice what rotten luck and especially with the rain we,ve had 😞 hope Phil feels better soon poor guy must be sick of hospitals 😞 I,m with you on the Letrozole I,ve never felt so rubbish especially joint problems I,ve had both thumbs done in the last 2 yrs and knee problems and now this shoulder problem 😞 all I can say is Ouch! I,ve had my second scan and the trapezium muscle is basically shot and to add to that a torn ligament.. Which since my last scan is mending a bit, but had to have a local then he injected the back of my shoulder 😞 I very nearly cried... But didn't... Just! And yes I put a lot of it down to Letrozole, also my emotions are all over the place I fly off the handle at silly things and cry at nearly everything good or bad... So I might ask at my next app, if I can either come off it or have a little break to see if I do feel better?
Nice weather on its way Butterflies 🙂 flutter gently xxxxhugxxx

[JaniceRob]

Great news Doz.Stripping walls not good for shoulder but like me you just carry on.Had thumb injected yesterday and not too bad but a little swollen and red so hope it's better tomorrow.Phil in hospital overnight as has kidney infection so I think they are being cautious after last year but he is so much better now he seems to be fighting it as he didn't have the strength last year.When we went to park my window jammed and stuck open A.A said it needed to go to garage as he couldn't budge it so I left it in car park for the day but it poured with rain on the way home Sod's law ha ha.So have put big blue plastic sheet over with duct tape so hope it's ok overnight as they can't fix it till tomorrow. Got app with oncologist next week as my G.P wrote to her re Letrozole so hope I can stop it Anne I have lumps in my breast and it's fat necrosis and nothing to worry about fingers crossed all is innocent with you. Take care all love and hugs Janice xxxxxx

[Elsa]

woohoo!!!!Great news Doz xx

[Doz1949]

Hi Butterflies
Finally some smiley news and a very happy Butterfly passing it on....
Daniel got the job with Siemens 🙂 he,s coming home for good in June 🙂 🙂 🙂 whooooooo hooooooo! 🙂
Hope everyone is well and things are going ok for you all, I have my scan tomorrow for my shoulder, tried stripping my dining room walls while the weather is so rubbish.. Managed it reasonably well but I,m suffering today 😞 so I,ll be glad when I can get it sorted!
It seems we are in for a mini heat wave this weekend 🙂 hope we ALL get it, love and hugs to everyone xxxhugxxx

[Elsa]

P.S.

Anne - try not to worry but I know you will.  I was wondering whether the lumps could simply be scar tissue which feels harder than normal tissue.  Sending a virtual hug and a hand to hold x

[Elsa]

Been catching up on all the new posts.  Welcome Pog; we all know exactly how you feel so please rant, rave, laugh and cry with us if it helps.  We've all been through this diagnosis; which is like being floored by a ten ton truck.  I remember when I was told by my doctor; the room span and everything went into slowmo; the doctor ran round the table to catch me because I think I was about to fall!  I am now just over 2 years on and I have good days and not so good days; there is no predicting when the not so good happens but they are getting less and less often now.  I think the tiredness you describe is an emotional one from the trauma and shock of it all and it takes time to recover.  Hang in there x

Emmy-your Dougie sounds gorgeous; we got a kitten last October and I hadn't realised how much I missed my cats.  It's lovely to have one around the house again.  He gives us such a welcome in the morning and cuddles up on my knee every evening; in between he's lively!!

Doz- lovely that Dan is back; so hope he gets that job.  All NHS seems to be suffering the same problems-stress, overwork, understaffed.  We had a new locum started a month ago and he's lovely but he came to see me yesterday to say he already feels he's drowning in work.  His words to me were, 'did they save all this up for me; I feel like I'm drowning'.  My heart went out to him.  This is how it is and I can't see it getting any better.  Have you heard any more about Vicki's appointment?

My day off today thank goodness; am cooking a lunch for OH so may be really decadent and get a bottle of wine to go with it!  

Flutter gently

Jane xx

[JaniceRob]

At least you can sound off to us on here Doz.Staff shortages never seem to get resolved though do they they get extra staff and then increase the workload so nothing changes. I know when Phil had his op last year there was only 2nurses and a H.C.A for 30 patients so patients were having to wait for analgesia for ages which isn't acceptable but they we're run ragged at times with confused patients and poorly patients but not worth saying anything as it fell on deaf ears. I felt so sorry for the night staff as loads if staff on days. Well that's my rant over anyone else going to join in ha ha.Try to relax Doz and don't feel guilty you aren't well and can't do your best when you are ill yourself take care love and hugs Janice xxxx

[Doz1949]

Thankyou Sweetie 🙂 glad you got things for Phil it's not good being made to wait for things that are so necessary 😞 further news has come out of our CQC inspection.... Bullying in our trust!! I must admit I have felt it on a couple of occasions from senior management, and like the staff shortage which is in dire straights I,m glad this is an issue being brought up.. I just hope the instigators realize they are doing it?
Just before I gave in and rang in sick, we are 9 days from moving ward and guess what.. We were filled up to capacity again, 5 patients too many to be able to move! It's a joke!
Oh I,m on one tonight 🙂 think I,ve got an under active body and an over active brain being off work eeeeeek!
Xxxxhugxxxx

[JaniceRob]

Anne maybe ring breast care nurses they may hurry things along or maybe even just a chat will help with anxiety. As Doz says waiting is the worst thing hope it's sorted soon (big hug)
Doz managed to get Phils stuff sorted the firm we order from are sending it anyway as still no joy from surgery but have had my say again today so hope service improves.
Will keep fingers crossed Daniel is successful. Xxxxx

[Doz1949]

Bless you let's hope they get their fingers out and get you sorted sweetie... The waiting room really is a rotten place to be as we all know and between us we,ve spent far too much time in it 😞 good luck I,m sure you,ll be fine but sending a big hug and a hand with a ton of spoons in it for you keep your chin up xxx
Have a lovely time away Janice hope you get Phils things sorted.. Don't know we hats happening to the NHS lately we,ve just had our Quality and Care inspection at both our hospitals and as much as it's still good they have really gone to town on shortage of staff.. Late /cancelled apps, and in general time all this takes!! And about time too maybe now we will get the staff we are soooooo short of then everything else might improve!
Dougie sounds a poppet Em and yes they are sure a good distraction... I hope you all have a lovely time away and he keeps you amused 🙂 I,m sure he will 🙂
Daniel had his interview today to see if he has a job when comes home.... Fingers crossed but he has 3/4 weeks to find out!
Lov and hugs to everyone as always xxxxhugxxxx

[amd66]

sorry ladies really quick post, have had lumpy feelings in wle boob in last week, dr has referred me to hospital, not as urgent 2 week but to move appointment earlier, am scared, feel sick and anxiety not good in mornings, its not so much about cancer but how to deal with waiting, 

know i cant do anything but wait

xxx

[JaniceRob]

Yes I am def mad but I am determined to do the race and will post some pics if I can work out how to do it.It will bring a whole new meaning to getting down and dirty ha ha.Dougal sounds such a joy Em I sometimes wish we still had our dog at times but not when it's chucking it down.Off to D.Ds in Scotland at weekend so will be a nice break.
Doz hope Vikkis results come soon and do get them chased up re other apps.Hope work accept self certificate fancy saying to get one from docsI went to docs today to play war re Phils urostomy products if there is anything new required it takes ages to get it which I think is ridiculous as other friend who has different docs never has any problems.Anyway enough moaning take care all and Pog you just pop in and out when you need us as you can read we have all been there one way or another love hugs and spoons Janicexxx

[emmy]

Hi flutterbys! Well reading Pogs post is so familiar! I do remember someone starting a thread on stress related effects and the same applied that most of us also had some horrible stressful situations before diagnoses too hmmm coincidence? Welcome Pog (great name) I haven't posted for some time as had family issues and puppy has been such a blessing Dougie has made us laugh and driven us mad in equal amounts but certainly become a great focus to take the mind off things! He is adorable and I can't imagine how we would be without him, we have had him 3 months now and are taking him to Wales for a couple of weeks in a cottage by the sea 🙂 I know it will be fun just hope the weather co-operates!
Well flutterbys got my annual squash when we get back I did ring to let them know we would be away but silly beggars sent me an app for.........yep whilst we are away??? Still got it sorted and it can stay there to be dealt with when we get home 🙂
Had a thought Pog re your tiredness I did the same I kept putting it down to treatment as I just could not get back to some kind of normal (whatever that was) but my arthritis came back with a vengeance some months after chemo finished and I went to the arthritis clinic to find I now have Fibro! It is a total pain I can do some bits then be floored for a week or so and if the weather is unkind I cannot do anything at all, I feel such a fraud on good days but then it will whack me on the head another day and attacks can vary in severity to not being able to do anything to getting up and tootling, such a hard thing to explain as even I don't get it!!!
Well miracles can happen I don't concentrate very well these days (can't read- heartbreaking!) so this has been done in spells to try to cover what I wanted to say 🙂
For those with work issues my heart goes out to you I have been there done that and couldn't even begin to imagine me working any more,I honestly never thought after racing round doing sillyo hours for so many years that I could be happy with a little dusting!!! Oh how times can change!!!
Yep flutterbys have been my sanity when I thought I was bonkers ( well o.k yes I am) but to have reassurance that what you are feeling is not unique and I reckon it takes a fellow Flutterby to understand this roller coaster we have been through!
Janice I am not worthy!!! What an amazing thing to do!! I am sat with a smile on my face I just wish I could cheer you on so guess who is having the hand and the giggling once more? Yep I know we all admire your courage cos like Doz I could not contemplate it! I think a picture is in order 🙂 you go girl!
Sending the spoons, much love and hugs all round Emmy xxxxxx

[Doz1949]

Oh gosh how things turn out so coincidental....
Both Janice and Phil went through the mill Emmy and Col the same and also myself and my daughter and you and your husband... which makes it hard to cope with when your fighting your own battles 😞
I hope things pick up for everyone, Vikki has had her MRI we are just waiting for the results and this urgent app, for vascular team seems to have disappeared?? Still hav,nt heard anything!
Finally got to spend some time with Afghan Dan yesterday 🙂 🙂 he is looking sooooooo well 🙂 it's such a shame he is,nt staying long as the forecast is pretty good and we could have done some work in his garden... Not me might I add but I could have sat in the directors chair 🙂
I was told by work to get a sick certificate asap! Thinking the self certificate ruling had changed? I just plodded off to Dr,s and was told I can self certificate for 7 days!! That was a waste of time 😞
Looking forward to some me time now, I,ve woken up with a stye 😞 I think my body is telling me to slow down!
Enjoy the weather butterfly's and I hope you all have a nice easy peaceful week xxxhugxxx

[Pog]

Hi girls, me again. Thanks so much for your support and hugs, very grateful indeed not to feel so alone at long last. Will just keep checking in and out if that's ok. I don't know about being brave stopping the meds, it's really quite frightening - sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't situation but I was very close to not wanting to be here at all if I didn't get some quality of life back. Hey ho, only time will tell!

Anyway, it's lovely to hear about everything going on with you all. We were at a wedding in Fermanagh on Friday and grandson's 5th birthday party on Saturday on the way home. Wiped out yesterday and still tired today but hopefully will feel a bit brighter tomorrow. Off to nurse Wed to have bloods checked. I don't really expect them to tell me anything new. Hubby off to hospital Wed also as he is having another checkup after his surgery (he had triple by-pass at the same time I had my surgery and treatment). Hopefully his news will be better this time and it's just a fitness thing holding him back. Fingers crossed. 

[amd66]

Doz, pls stay p

off work you would tell ys not to feel guilty,  and it's obviously painful,  pog lovely to read you, you are most wrlcome, the rads really fo take it out of you so dont think too much about ehst you csnt do , im 47 and grab any afternoon sleeps I can,

today has been a stronger day, just being in the moment at bodiam castle.  Lots of green trees which were calmimg, even tine to lay on blanket and enjoy sunshine must try and keep mood

flutter along

love to all xxx

[Doz1949]

OMG Janice how brave 🙂 I,ve just finished my 3 nights and hav,nt even got the energy to get dressed 🙂
Tho I need to if I want to see Daniel before he goes back!!
Really shot my shoulder to bits this weekend and the blighter has stopped me getting a good sleep between shifts, feel like a zombie but I,ve made a decision to stay off work now till I see the consultant next week! Feel guilty doing it but if I carry on working with it I,m not only putting my patients at risk I,m doing myself no good either 😞 planning a very lazy week possibly a few lie in's and definately feet up!
Hope you had a lovely bank holiday and well done you... Just thinking about it tires me 🙂 I,m definately feeling my age!! Xxxhugxxx love as always!

[JaniceRob]

Hi Pog it's still early days and you maybe think you didn't have a lot of treatment but you still had breast cancer and any operation takes its toll be it big or small.Radiotherapy also takes it's toll and the effects don't disappear as soon as it's finished it can go on a long time.life is different after what you have been through and just because you look okay on the outside doesn't mean you are fine.Its 3 and half years nearly for me now and I still have days when I lack energy but maybe it's age as well.take your time and eventually things will improve.Low mood doesn't help either so maybe as you move on a bit that too will improve.we are all here for you so do post how you feel as it helps to get things off your chest and you are certainly not a fraud.
Sending a big hug.xx
Well girls I am def barking mad have signed up to do Pretty Muddy race for life with my daughter and her friends so got till 13th September to get fit.Its in Glasgow and I think there are 6 of us doing it together and no doubt I will be the oldest but it should be a fun day.
Hope everyone has had a good weekend love and hugs Janice xxxxx
P.s we must have been posting at same time Doz.Hope you enjoyed seeing Afghan Dan xxxx

[Doz1949]

Hi Pog
I think what your describing is how most if not everyone feels, I don't think the amount of treatment or severity of it makes a difference as we are all different as you will have gathered on this forum!
I just think it's what Cancer does to our mind body and soul that leaves us feeling so under par 😞 yes it gets better in as much as the rotten days become less.. Still waiting to find out if it does eventually go which is a road most of us on here are taking... And your more than welcome to join us on this journey 🙂
How brave to stop your treatment, I,ve thought about binning Letrozole but hav,nt quite got up the courage 🙂 I put this medication on my list of enemy's and will not be sorry to see it finally bog off!! 🙂
There are lots of lovely ladies on here that will give you their take on it so anything you want answers to, fire away honey 🙂 if your wondering why we call ourselves butterflies it was something a dear lady on here said some time back bless her, she said we are emerging from the cocoon and will one day turn into Butterflies 🙂 love to you and I hope you find some relief in what I,ve said... Not that I,m the wisest of souls but it's from my heart xxxhugxxx

[Pog]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this and am very grateful to everyone for posting how they feel during and after all the treatments. I am now 15 months post treatment after surgery and radiotherapy. Stopped taking Tamoxifen and not now taking any other drugs. I notice someone mentioned quality of life is important - heartily agree which is why I stopped. Also back on low dose HRT to try and lessen the hourly sweats (day and night). Thought I was going to go mad with them and very down about it all. Onc and GP both counselled and this was what we have all agreed I will do. Will try to stop again after a year or so. Lots of research out there pros and cons.

Interested in the fatigue end of things too, does this ever stop? It has improved a bit some weeks pretty good but other weeks have a real lack of energy. Can't garden much at all which depresses me. Some days just have to do very little and feel such a fraud as I had so little surgery and treatment. Now it's 'all over' so to speak why am I still so tired and feeling so different? Has normality changed forever? I'm only 57 and can no longer do what I used to do pre-op etc. Sorry for moaning but thanks for writing about your experiences; it really helps.

[Doz1949]

Morning Flutterbys
Yes another night and another bank holiday working 😞 and feel even more let down as Daniel has made a flying visit home.... totally unexpected 🙂 hav,nt seen him yet but hoping to see him Monday night 🙂
He,s home for a job interview which he kept quiet to surprise us and yes I was working 😞 but at least I,ll get to spend the day with him before he goes back on Wednesday,
Good to hear things seem to be perking up a bit for everyone.. I,ve been re-called for another scan on my shoulder.. I rang to say I,d already had it but this is one with a Radiology Consultant and it's to take a closer look to see if the cortisone can be given anywhere other than my lymph affected arm?? It seems to be taking forever to get sorted 😞 but at least it is progressing!
Hope everyone has a lovely bank holiday and that lovely sun keeps shining... Tho not too brightly on my bedroom window 🙂 take care Flutterbies xxxhugxxx

[JaniceRob]

Had to laugh when I read your post E.Jane I have just been looking at on line clothes as can't be bothered to shop either. Just had busy afternoon in garden and hoping to get plants in end of month it's always cooler here so can't plant too early.Still no fence up as no-one seems to turn up to give estimates I just hope it's sorted soon but as it's my neighbour who is sorting it I will just have to be patient.Hope everyone is okay and you enjoy your weekend love and hugs Janice xxxx

[Elsa]

Hi girls

Glad things are a bit calmer for you Ann; I'm impressed that you're jiving!!  I don't think I would be able to do that now without causing myself some injury!  

I was off sick from work all last week (no surprise there!) with achy joints, headache, tiredness but I honestly think it was brought on by the stresses of work recently.  When I went back this week there were another 4 clinicians off too so I think we're all feeling the same; it's not good is it?

A lovely long weekend now to look forward to then 2 weeks today we'll be making the crossing to mainland Orkney; can't wait.  I've gots lots of gardening to do before I go; weeding and planting but looking forward to the garden in full bloom later in the year. Our daughter's coiming home today for a few days so will be lovely to see her.  She's just finished her exams and only has a project to do now then she'll finish her masters in August so this year has gone quickly.

My youngest brother has been living in my parents old house where we all grew up; he's sold the house and has to move everything out by the end of next week.  Our parents ashes are also buried in the garden there under an acer tree so without sounding morbid we're digging them up to take with us.  So next weekend my brothers and I are meeting up there for one last time to say goodbye to our childhood home.  It will be emotional for me but my brother's had a difficult marriage and needs to move on with his life with his new girlfriend in the Lake District; he's now the happiest he's been in a long time.

I need some summer clothes for work but have really gone off clothes shopping these days.  Really tempted to just shop online!

Have a good weekend flutterbies

xx

[amd66]

Thank you all, im in a better mood this week, i know i was clutching at fixing things too much and trying too hard. i scrapped the idea of hypnosis, and got some apps on my phone and am trying them each night, as much as relaxation as anything, but this one is about self esteem.however i went to a dance class last night, on my own. its wierd that i have the confidence to do that, not knowing anyone.the people were nice, 2 ladies let me sit with them, it was leroc jive, and you move around the room every few minutes as you learn new dance so you never just sit there, i will try another one next week, because i think i would like proper jive, i did it years ago, dont know how my stamina will be but it was good and it is that thing or being absorbed in an activity.

as i said why do i stress over daytimes, getting up. anxiety etc.

things got a bit stressy at the doctors thius week, not many appointments etc, scripts taking a while and you know i thought this isnt my stress, i will just do my best. boss was a bit off and i did take it to heart and then thought, bugger it she isnt my friend, who knows whats going on in her head etc.

so i hope i can continue accepting the good and bad, lots of love to you all,

sorry janice you are back on the gardening, my oh does no gardeing, but we dont have much space, he will do the hedge with lots of moans, and nags!

thanks for your support as always, we can feel so different one week to the next, xxx

[JaniceRob]

Dear Anne it's so hard and you do feel alone even though you aren't and I don't think anyone understands unless they have been there.Both of us now realise what the other went through and how bad it was but things do get better it just takes time some of us longer than others.Its over 3years now but I still have my moments usually totally unrelated to B.C. I am having problems with thumb again so now being referred to physio what on earth they will be able to do dear knows.So had tears as it is so interfering with my life as I find it difficult to do a lot of things.So chins up and just get on with it.
Phil saw consultant yesterday and has a parastomal hernia so has to be careful so onus on Janice again for grass cutting gardening etc.Maybe it will help me lose weight ha ha.
Hope everyone is taking care of themselves love hugs and spoons for those in need love Janice xxxxxx

[Doz1949]

Glad to hear things are settling for you x
It's not easy coming to terms with everything but yes things do start to fall into place without you realising/or doing anything to make it happen, I,m still not back to the old me, I think it's a legacy we have to come to terms with and accept sadly, but life is slowly improving, I guess we just set ourselves different goals and priorities and let the rest take care of itself! I still have my off days but not so many, I still have my emotional times that floor me a bit as they come so quickly out of nowhere but again they are getting less and less so stay with it honey and if you want to tidy up then you tidy up 🙂
Love to one and all, I,m on nights at the moment so feeling all of the above ha ha! Last one tonight 🙂 flutter gently Butterfly's xxxxhugxxx

[amd66]

hi ladies,

things have settle down at home now, some big talks about being ungrateful, consideration etc. i think oh may have male menoapuse or similiar as he is tetchy but we are being calmer around each other.

i know some of this will be repetition to your posts from a long while back. but i seem to be stuck with too many thoughts, not happy, flat, going through the motions of work, life, home etc.

i am coping with the morning anxiety, because i know its me causing it and it will disappear once i go out or start something. 

sorry if this seems rambly but i just dont want this to be my existence where life is flat lik this and i am on the edge on things, when i see friends i join in and want to be sociable., but i still do the things i enjoy, swimming walking etc. i also wonder if i need to start something new, am confident to start new dance etc on my own.im still taking antidpressents,

iwonder if i am trying to find a solution that isnt there, and am trying too hard???

i was looking at hypnosis a couple of days ago but would that change what is really the aftermath of cancer for all of you and how you dealt with it.

can you remember what you have done to ease these feelings. was there a moment where somethign just started to feel better,

you people seem to be the best ones to know what i am feeling, and i appreciate the support i have had. today i have been along hte seafront and also saw some bluebells on the way home.

hope you are fluttering gently.

much love

anne xx

[amd66]

oh blimey, my dear friends i have missed so much. doz am glad your incident is behind you, cannot imagine how sad you felt but glad some decisions have been made. Gi jane sorry for your stress too, has it helped being signed off.

i hope you have settled down a little bit.its wet here as predicted for Easter sunday, but have been up and down the road for quick walk.

seems i am annoying my oh just by being here at the moment, him and daughter both wanting me to stop moving things around or tidying up, she got her bunny which she loves and we have to plug every gap behind toilet, cupboards, wires etc and then nothing gets put back, towels, clothes etc. its too stupid even writing it down but i feel like its hav a go day, i will get over it and hope they just realise it hurts, had a bit of a cry and now move on.

love to you all

Anne xx

[GIJaneH]

Thanks for asking after me EJane...
Looked on another thread this morning and have now ordered myself a "knitted knocker". Seriously! http://www.knittedknockersuk.com. GaVe me a much needed laugh!

Hope you're all ok. Lots of gardening today. Cooking tomorrow....

Love Jane

[JaniceRob]

Oops Jane here's me telling everyone you were ok and you are off work with stress.Hope the break will help you.I get stressed at times and I don't work.I think we are all victims of b..... cancer so have every reason not to cope when things aren't going well.
Poor you Doz having to work all weekend hope it's not too stressful.My shoulder was opposite to B.C side but injection has only worked for a few weeks so don't think I 'll be having another one done.
It's sunny here not a cloud in the sky but very cold so not doing much just hope we get some warm weather soon.take care all Janice xxxx

[Doz1949]

Hiya Sweetie 🙂
How time flies and it seems were all still struggling in our own ways bless you!
It was,nt so much the palliative care it was more that I knew 2 of them and in such a short time they have lost the fight it was too hard to handle but on a positive note I can change things so I,m not being made to feel vulnerable which we all are to a degree hang in there flutterby it will come right xx I,m on a small dose of sleeping tablets most nights now, I did worry about becoming dependant on them, but do you know for now and the foreseeable future I need a good nights sleep so I,m not fretting over it anymore!
Lovely to hear from you Jane I have been thinking of you and hoping all was well but I guess your still a flutterby at heart 🙂 make the most of your time off you deserve it.. Love alwayz Xxxhugxxx

[GIJaneH]

Woooo. Such stress!!!!!!! Hello ladies..... Been too busy to have time for this in recent minths... Guess what? I've been signed off with stress! 18 days without a proper day off/ consultation to reduce staff/challenging colleague who's not being managed and who bullies/6 baby funerals in 7 days/and/and..... And I found myself not sleeping, eating affected and in appropriately emotional. Even I was worried about me, and my team leaders helpful response "I'm always at the end of a phone" (40 miles away, so no practical support). GP signed me off for a week before I burn out. Yesterday's GP gave me stronger sleeping tablets for the next week (apart from the nights I'm on call). Back to work Monday, which is better than going back today, as I was down to be on call sat/sun/mon, and no-one but me seemed to think that was unreasonable! The Trust provide,s employee support, and, on the basis that I can't change the team member who's got to me, I can only change me, I went for a counselling session this week, which was helpful...

I empathise Doz with the oncology ward. Part of my job is palliative care, and I seem to get batches of folk dying of BC secondaries. Have to keep reminding myself that most, MOST of the ladies diagnosed are not in the hospital, and we will never a see them.... Sounds like bank might be the best option if possible. Choice is great.

Hang on in there ladies......

God bless

Jane

[Doz1949]

Happy Easter flutterbys
Thanks Janice the scan was ok they decided to just do ultra sound due to no injections on lymph arm.. It was good enough to show tears in a ligament just under the collar bone that have healed and torn repeatedly 😞 also a lot going on in shoulder joint tho what he didn't elaborate on? Problem now is can they do a cortisone injection? He was going to do it there and then but again wants to speak to consultant as to whether it's advisable? So it's back to waiting tho at least now I can stop worrying as the mind does run away with itself!! I,ve had it so long I,ve learned to live with it, it's just like toothache all the time as you,ll probably know bless ya it's not nice
Hope you all have a good weekend guess who,s working ALL of it 😞 aaaaaaaargh!
Love to everyone and please pass my love on to GI Jane when you speak to her 🙂 xxxhugxxx

[Elsa]

Work was much better than expected and I didn't have a single duty call to take; that's never happened to me before but I was very glad of it.  We won a little bit at bingo but not enough to cover costs!  We had a good night out though and on the way home we laughed so much ; we played this silly game where we have to sing songs with a theme.  Last night it was songs with a girl's name in it; man's name; parts of the body and wedding or marriage!

Anyway; a long Easter break to look forward to and choir's singing in church on Sunday.  We practiced on Wednesday evening and to end the evening we sang a fun song; 'Somebody to Love' by Queen.  It's a difficult one to do but we gave it our best effort!  At the end our pianist Huw said, 'well, it is easter after all'.  I looked it him and said; do you mean we crucified that?' and he nodded!!  We just laughed.

Lots of gardening to do this weekend but the weather's looking good for today and tomorrow so will crack on.  Happy Easter everyone.

Jane xx

ps glad to hear GI Jane is ok

[JaniceRob]

Hope scan wasn't painful Doz I know sometimes they move you where you don't want to be moved.My shoulder and base of thumb are painful again so no sewing for a while if ever..Not going to bother docs as they haven't even x rayed them just decided to inject them.Hope everyone enjoyed their bingo and did you win.Jane hope work wasn't too bad I am glad I am retired but do miss seeing people.G.I.Jane is doing okay and I am hoping to meet up with her again when she comes to Budle Bay in June.
Well everyone enjoy Easter weekend (I forgot it was Easter) love and hugs Janice xxxxxx

[Doz1949]

OMG can you believe this.... I,m going to Bingo tonight ha ha ha! I hav,nt been in nearly 20 yrs but decided after a very stressful few days.. Time for some light entertainment! So Vikki is coming for the first time ever 🙂 at least she can sit and it's a change 🙂
I have my shoulder scan in morning gulp! And we are just waiting for an app, with vascular for Vikki and her MRI in a couple of weeks and the results of all 3 will determine my future on my ward! I have spoken to the lady who runs the Nursing Bank and if all the results come back good... I am leaving the ward and going on the bank for a couple of shifts a week 🙂 🙂 I,ve had no response to what happened at the weekend even though I spoke to our Senior Nurse and she was very upset for me and was going to pass my concerns on... Nothing's happened, so I know unless I make some solid decisions nothing will, it will just get brushed under the carpet! I,m not prepared to take that, so if all comes back well for Vikki? And I can drop my hours and not have the security of a monthly pay packet, then the Bank it is, where I can choose where I go and how much I do!!
I,m so sorry to hear about the stress that most of us are facing... I,d like to think it's just life? But I think where we all are and what we,ve been through has an enormous effect on our lives 😞 it does,nt matter how positive we are.. And I,ve always tried to be I think sometimes things come up behind and bite us on the bum to just remind us everything has changed... I hope it does get better for everyone.. And our male butterfly Phil bless him and you Janice it's daunting to say the least having it all hanging over you... I don't blame you one bit for your it can wait attitude... It helped me make my decision on my job! That can't wait but the day I don't have to work to the e.roster that I,m sure has been tweeked every month to suit the faces that fit! Will be the day you will hear the biggest sigh! And the shock wave from my punch in the air will definately reach you all 🙂
Love hugs and spoons to you all and if you don't need the spoons buy some ice cream and use them for that 🙂 flutter gently and don't let the b*******s grind you down xxxxxxxxhugxxxxxxxx

[Elsa]

We're all needing some tlc at the moment.  I'm going into work today knowing I'm on call and knowing there is no managerial cover (again!)..  I discussed this with the team leader on Monday and she promised she'd do something about it; well at 4.55pm yesterday I was copied into an email she'd sent to the Clinical Services Manager stating my concerns and the email ended with the words 'any suggestions?'!  How does that help me today...I am so worried about going in and am on the verge of going on long term sick with stress.  I don't even have a manager at work; they're still trying to sort that one out.  To add to matters I should have been seeing one of the doctors regularly for prescribing supervision and he's now off long term...it's a mess. Sorry to rant flutterbies but as you can see it's getting to me.  

For some mindless but light relief my friend and I are going to Bingo tomorrow evening!!  

Janice-sending you and Phil a flutterby hug

Doz-ditto!

Take care flutterbies

Jane xx

ps has anybody heard from GI Jane; she hasn't posted for ages

[JaniceRob]

How cruel was that Doz it's unbelievable when they knew how you felt about working there I would have been the same.I had a few tears for you myself so hard especially how things are in your life wth Vikki and your sister.
I think it is Phils app coming up that's bothering him as he knows he may get date for his next op.It isn't just what he has already gone through it's just so emasculating for him but as I keep telling him he is alive and well.We have a few friends who have other cancers and can't be cured just kept In remission which is so sad.
Not been in garden yet as still got daffs and tulips all over the place but Phil has mown the lawn and tidied up behind the shed.We still haven't got fence replaced as next door neighbour is sorting it out but we did say to wait till better weather so no hurry.In fact that seems to be the way now no hurry perhaps because we haven't got the energy we used to have.take care everyone spoons to those who are in need love and hugs Janice xxxxx

[katieb]

Doz how awful for you. You must say something to your manager. Surely it's just thoughtless on their part - they see you as back to your normal self and either forget what you've been through or dont realise how much this affects you. You are not weak - you're a very strong lovely person and that comes over in all your posts. I hood they sort this for ASAP
Big hugs to everybody - think we need them at the moment. Stella xxx

[Elsa]

Oh Doz; just read your post and how awful for you.  I guess it's what we all think about and try constantly to put to the back of our minds because it's too scary to contemplate....you're supposed to be working in a caring profession but where was the care for you?  Could you speak to your manager and request (demand!) to stay put; it's a more than reasonable request .How close to retirement are you?  Look after yourself.  I'm still a good few years off; if I was closer I would seriously consider it right now but can't afford to give up yet.  After my very stressful week at work last week I've now had time to reflect on it and will be speaking to the team leader tomorrow to ask about managerial cover in light of when she, the team leader has her day off on wednesdays and the only other manager is on long term sick.  I am due to be on call again this Wednesday and can already feel my levels of anxiety rising so decided the best option was to tackle it head on! We have to look after ourselves and our own emotional well being because people forget what we've been through or don't realise how the effects of what we've been through continue to affect us now and will carry on doing so.

Janice- the 28th isn't far away now; sometimes the worst part is waiting for these appointments.  In the run up to mine I just couldn't think about anything else; all these 'what ifs?' going round in my head and that's tiring and emotionally draining.  If I could financially give up work tomorrow I would without a doubt; but Em still needs supporting through her course.  Once she finishes in September I will seriously be looking for a sea change, a less demanding job unless a miracle happens at work and we get enough staff and reliable managerial support. I can already see pigs flying outside my window!!!

Anne - I get aches, pains and niggles and it's natural to worry about them because of what we've had.  I would be lying if I said I didn't worry because I do and have to tell myself that it is just probably due to growing older, or a back/head/whatever ache like I used to get before I was diagnosed.  I think it is stuff like this that other people don't realise how it carries on affecting you emotionally.  

Yesterday was a big gardening day; managed to get a whole border weeded and dug over.  Today I am doing another border; my aim is to completely weed the whole garden before we go to orkney mid-May!  Oh, and get my dahlias in; love my dahlias.  I'm at my happiest just pottering outside; the cat was climbing trees then coming over to play trying to catch the weeds as I threw them into the barrow or just lying on the grass whilst I worked.

A few of us are very fragile at the moment; look after yourselves flutterbies; you're very precious people.

Jane xx

[Doz1949]

I,m not sure where to start so I,ll just say aw bless you butterfly's so many little niggles that seem to re occur.. Aches pains... not sleeping.. Stress 😞 it's rotten we all seem to have our problems, poor Phil it must be quite daunting for him with this looming over him, no wonder he is a bit down, I don't suffer with dry eyes Janice, quite the opposite mine seem to be constantly leaking... Either that or I do a lot of crying... But dry eyes can be annoying you can get something from the opticians for it, my sister has the same problem tho she.s not on medication? xx
I had a bit of a meltdown after my night shift last night 😞 I was sent to cover on a Pallative care Cancer ward it was the worst shift I,ve ever done 😞 I always swore I,d never work on an Oncology ward as it would be too close to home, not that I am choosy but I have to have some boundary to protect myself, well last night I didn't get an option 😞 I did try hard to just cover the shift but as the night went on I felt so uncomfortable with it and upset that no.one even gave it a thought as to if I could cope with it 😞 I couldn't and it got worse as I realized 2 of the patients who I was caring for turned out to be 2 of the people I was having treatment with 😞 And the saddest thing is I didn't recognize them, they recognized me 😞 I just could,nt do it it broke my heart to try to comfort the dying when it was so raw for me.. It's left me feeling weak vulnerable inadequate and broken, I,ve cried buckets today at the lack of thought and understanding shown towards me, now it's time to make some choices, when....... we move wards we will be rotating with these Oncology wards... I can't do it it breaks my heart and scares me, there are people who can put their heart into caring for the dying, sadly I can't 😞 so perhaps it's time to retire 😞 xxxxxx

[JaniceRob]

Doz I can't imagine how furious all the staff must be all set to go and then having to unpack it all I don't think I could have coped with it all.Sorry to read Vikki is still having a rough time it must be so frustrating for her and you must so feel for her going through it all.
Jane years ago my daughter nearly had a breakdown due to the stress of her job but it must be worse again for you after what you have been through your O.H must be worried about you to say to put your notice in.Stress is named as one of the contributors to B.C so do think about it all maybe working part time would help
Stella I sympathise about aches and pains I often get pain in my affected breast and even though I have been reassured its normal I still worry.Also all the other aches and pains don't help it's an age thing I think as not getting any younger.
Does anyone suffer from itchy dry eyes as I have been bothered for a while and wonder if it's medication.
Phil a bit down and tired just lately but maybe because he sees his consultant on the 28th and the thoughts of the operation he has to have doesn't help so hopefully we get some answers.He tires easily as well but they told him it would take a year to recover fully and he is impatient bless him.
Anne hope you are doing okay not sleeping is awful and the more tired you are sometimes sleep is harder to come by strange as it may sound.
Well sitting here enjoying a glass of wine and in usual uniform of P.Js and dressing gown take care all live hugs and spoons Janice xxxx