Tattoo for mum/update on mum

[Lavenderlassie]

Mark, I am pleased for you all that the funeral went well, it can really help.
You have been a wonderful son to your Mum, amd to your Dad.
Wishing you and your family all the best in this hard time
Lavender
xx

[RevCat]

Mark, thank you for this final post.

I am so glad you were able to give your lovely mum a good send off - I'm sure it was a very special, if very sad, occasion.

It has been a privlege to share part of your journey, and to see your love and concern for your family shine through even when it was sometimes very tough for you.

Your Mum raised a good son, I'm sure she would be so proud of you.

Wishing you all the very best for a happy, healthy future for you and yours. Take care and live strong!

[Guest user]

Mum fought this terrible disease for a year right until the end.
She never complained about the treatment or how ill she felt.
She just took everything in her stride.
Today was mum's funeral and all her family and friends gave her a good send off.
Its only now, when after being busy with all the arrangements all week, that its starting to sink in that my lovely mum has gone.
This is going to be my last post in this thread and id like to thank everyone who has offered support and advice over the last year through this thread.
I'd like to wish everyone who has been affected by Breast Cancer good health for the future.
I will pop on here from time to time to see how everyone is.
Once again thank you all for your support.
Mark (Wacky Racer) x

[Lavenderlassie]

Fetching someone's things like that can be really hard, just as well there were the two of you. And such a help for your Dad to have you there so you can go over arrangements together.
Continued best wishes to you and your Dad
Lavender
xx

[Guest user]

Thanks everyone for your kind words.
We went to get mums things from the hospice today. Very strange going back into the room and seeing an empty bed.
busy making arangements at the moment with dad.
I also have plans to have another tattoo on my arm.
It will mean a huge amount to me, even more than the first one and will be something very special that my mum would fully understand.
Mark.

[RoadRunner]

Mark,
Don't worry about not being there. When my mum died of cancer five years ago my brother and I had been by her bedside all afternoon. There had been no change in her condition for hours. At around 7pm we decided to pop out for something to eat. We went to the pub down the road, we hadn't even ordered when we got a call from the hospital to say she had died. I think she had been listening to us chatting, and then when we left it gave her an opportunity to slip away, which was what she needed.

[Lavenderlassie]

Dear Mark,
I am so sorry to hear your news and send you love and sympathy and wish you strength to deal with the next phase of supporting your Dad through all the arrangements while grieving yourself.
Love and again well done on how you have supported tour wonderful Mum

Lavender
xx

[NannieSpiky]

Dear Mark
So sorry to hear the sad news of your mum. Have followed your thread from the start even though this is the first time of posting.
Please don't feel guilty that you were not there when your mum passed away. I am a firm believer that people choose whether they want to be alone or not when they leave this world but they always take the love of their family with them wherever they are.
I lost my mum to cancer four years ago and felt such immense pain that I thought I would never get past it. Now,even though I miss her every day, I can recall the good times and remember her with a smile on my face. You will reach that place one day Mark and after reading your posts, it is clear that your mum could not have wished for a more loving and kind son than the one she was blessed with.
Look after yourself Mark and my condolences to your dad as well
Liz x

[GMT]

Ditto katytc. My thoughts are with you, I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult time you have had. She is now free from pain and you must take comfort from that.
You and your dad are in my thoughts I lost my mum to cancer when I was 17 and while I remember her every day, I now remember the lovely, happy times not the illness and you too will one day.
Much love,
Gaynor xx

[Jo_BCC]

Dear Mark,

On behalf of the moderation team here at BCC, please accept our sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. I know you have had some good support from other members of this forum over the past months, but if you need that extra support, please don't hesitate to give the helpline here a ring as they're here to support you and your dad.

Take care,

Jo, Facilitator

[katytc]

Oh wacky racer, I am so sorry to see your news, I have followed you and your Mum's story but have not posted, just wanted to send my condolences to you and your Dad. Your Mum is at peace now and your love for her has shone throughout this thread, take care xx

[RevCat]

Hello Mark/Whacky,

I am so sorry to read this, and offer my most sincere condolences.

You must not feel guilty that you weren't with your Mum at the moment she slipped away. Sometimes people seem to do that - they seem to wait until they are on their own, their loved ones safely somewhere else, and then quietly they pass through the door to eternity. I wonder if maybe that's what happened with you Mum? She knew that you and your Dad were exhausted and needed a rest before facing the challenges ahead? She IS at peace now, there is no more pain, or drugs or suffering, and she can rest. Inflammatory breast cancer is a particuarly awful form of this cruel disease, but your Mum has been a real trooper, going through the treatment and keeping going.

Of course you will always miss her, and no-one can ever fill the gap where she was, but one day you will remember her and smile as you recall something funny or lovely. I am sure she would want you all to live life to the full, and I know you won't let her down.

Hugs to you and all your family.

PS I hope you don't mind, I have put a post on the 'In Memory' section for you.

[Guest user]

A very sad day today.
Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning.
Dad and i had been with her constantly over the last 3 days. We came home last night to try and get a few hours rest and mum passed away then.
I feel guilty for not being there with her when she went.
We went to see her shortly after getting the news and spent some time with her. She looked very peaceful.
I will always love you mum. Miss you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lavenderlassie]

I really feel for you, Mark.
Rev Cat has put it perfectly re the sense of hearing. Keep talking to your Mum, and encourage your Dad to do the same. You will not regret it.
Glad to hear that she is comfortable and cared for and that your Dad can be with her without taking on the work of physical care, which can be a distraction from just being with her.
You have given her your care and love and time, and will continue to do so, even after she has gone, in looking after your Dad for one thing.
More loving thoughts and blessings winging your way
Lavender
xx

[Guest user]

Hi Mark, sending loving thoughts to you and your family love junieliz x

[RevCat]

Mark I am so sorry to read this, but pleased that you Mum is safe, warm and cared for.

The experts tell me that our sense of hearing is the very last thing to fade away, and I am sure your Mum will hear you speaking to her and know you are near even if she can't reply. If you are able to sit and hold her hand, and to tell her you love her, or remember happy moments, or read her favourite poems or stories, I am sure she will know. The waiting and watching is so very hard, but she will sense you loving presence and when the time is right you will find the inner reserves to let her go.

Sending you, your Dad, your wife and your son my best wishes and prayers for your faithful, loving vigil.

[Guest user]

Mum went into a Marie Curie hospice last Wednesday.
Mum is sleeping most of the time. When she is awake its only for a couple of minutes, then she's asleep again.
Shes not really talking or acknowledging you. It's so sad to see her this way. She has been having small amounts of morphine and seems quite peacefull.
It upsets me that soon we will loose her and the "quality time" (. For want of a better word) are now gone. I can't have a conversation with her anymore.
I still love her to bits and right now I can't think if anyone else but my mum.
Im going to miss her sooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! : (

[Lavenderlassie]

Dear Mark,
What a good picture of you and your lovely and loved Mum.
I hope you find that the hospice care is so good, that your Dad sees it as the best place for your Mum to be. And for him and you too, so that the time you spend with her is really with her, not used up in doing things for her and to her and wondering when to call in doctors or nurses.
You will probably find the hospice give support to you and your family, including the opportunity to talk to one of the chaplains.
Adding my prayers (or good vibes) to Rev Cat's for a gentle time for your Mum
Lavender
xx

[Guest user]

Thanks Revcat thats so nice.
Thankyou for keeping us all in your prayers. Im affraid im not a religous person but i find myself looking for something at this time.
(if that makes sence)
The picture is of me and my mum taken a couple of weeks ago.
Thankyou all for being sooooo kind.
I will keep up with the thread. i dont really comment on other parts of the forum as i dont feel ,(for want of a better word), qualified enough to do so. Wouldnt want to comment or say something that would upset someone or be taken the wrong way and make someone feel worse.
In a way this thread has helped me to deal with what has been happening to my mum.
Thanks.
Mark x

[RevCat]

Hi Wacky,

I am so sorry to read this. I assume the new photo is you with your lovely Mum. I do hope that the hospice people are able to make her comfortable so that whatever time she has left with you all can be the best possible. I hope your Dad copes with this as well as he can, and that you are all able to share these precious times together. There is nothing I can say or do to make it any better, but I hope you won't mind if I keep you all in my prayers just now (think of it as positive vibes if you prefer).

Please be assured of the good wishes of those of us who have been privleged to follow your thread. Love to you, your wife and your family.

[Guest user]

mums condtion has worsened. She is now too unwell to come home and is going into a hospice this week.
: (

[carolihne]

Oh Mark I so feel for you all. When we brought Dad home we engaged a full time nurse for the last month of his life. It did cost a lot but we got a preportion back from social services. Not everyone is in a position to do this but she was really worth her weight in gold as it enabled us to spend some quality time with Dad but also have help with the lifting and drug administration. Towards the end you will get support from Marie Curie and also the district nurse - they came in and put up a syringe driver (for pain relief) but in my opinion it was too little too late (I know they are all terribly overstretched) if we hadn't had help from an agency nurse we would have been on our knees. I hope the situation is better for you and your Mum and Dad.
be strong
Caroline

[Lavenderlassie]

Oh, Mark, it is hard.
I hope you have really good back up and that there is a hospice bed available if needed. If there is any difficulty in controlling her pain, go for hospice or hospital. I don't think you have let your Mum or your Dad down, you are just saying it how you see it.
Wishing you quiet nights-do you have access to night nurses from marie curie?
Lavender
xx

[Guest user]

Thanks.
I seem to have got past the anger stage now.
We had another family meeting with the doctors and care staff this week to discuss mum coming home.
The original plan was to have mum home and have carers come in and help out dad. Since we last met with the doctors, mums dementia has got worse and they are worried that we would not be able to cope with her at home. Mum only sleeps for about 2 hours per night. They are trying to fine tune her drugs so that she is able to sleep for longer at night. She needs someone to sit with her all through the night. She has tried to get out of bed on more than one occation when left on her own but she has no muscle in her legs and is unable to stand. The worry is that she could fall and break her hip, or worse.
We were advised to not have her home but for her to go into a home where they could care for her 24/7. They said that dad could visit and be a husband rather than being her carer and having that massive strain on their relationship.
Dad asked me my opinion and i told him that yes we all want mum home but i do worry about him alot and that it may be too much for him/us to cope with.
My head says She needs specialist care and my heart says get mum home as soon as possible.
Its so tough and with siding with the doctors point of view, i feel ive let dad down.
Dad decided anyway that mum is to come home.

[Lavenderlassie]

How you are is really normal, Mark, and other people will understand if you say youare sorry every now and then. When my older brother was very ill, my other brother and I had a lot of arguments because we dealt with it all in different ways. Fortunately we could see what we were doing, as you can see what you are doing, and we got beyond it all, and when I was going through chemo, he became one of my best supporters.
Glad your wife is understanding, give her a hug from all of us and say the BCC ladies think you are both great
Lavender
xx

[RevCat]

Hi again Wacky,
How dumb of me to assume your son was a little boy - it's because in your old photo you look too young to have a grown up child. Well, that's my excuse. What I said still stands though, try to explain to him that this is so hard for you to cope with and that sometimes you lash out at the wrong people. Maybe you can have a lads night in with him? It is OK to have fun, your Mum will be glad that you do, I'm sure.

Just keep doing what you're doing... you're doing fine.

[Guest user]

Thanks Revcat, my son is 18 and suffers from agoraphobia.
My wife is very understanding. Don't know what I would do without her.

[RevCat]

Hi Wacky,
What you are describing is absolutely normal and natural. I won't bore you with psychobabble, but anger, questioning and grief are all to be expected. We all need somewhere to vent and often it is those nearest to us who bear the brunt of it. Hopefully your wife will understand that this is your bewilderment and grief, not that you are angry with her.

I don't know how old your son is, but I am guessing quite young? Maybe you can tell him that Daddy is very upset because this is something he can't mend and this makes him feel sad and cross? Perhaps, too, you can find some fun things to do with him, where you can both have a good laugh. I expect your Dad feels helpless too, and will want to make it right and he can't either.

I don't know how you'd feel about calling the helpline people here? Or maybe you wife might find that helpful? Also your son's school might be able to help him if they know the score.

You will get through this, it wil be hard for all of you, but you are strong and have proven your deep love for all your family over nad again through these past months. Come on here and shout in our direction - we can take it!

Big hugs to you all.

[Guest user]

Its been a tough week for eveyone after the news we got about mum last week.
Mum is about the same.
My reason for this post is to see if the way im feeling at the moment is "normal" and if other people in the same situation have felt the same.
I feel very angry at the moment. sounds silly but i feel like, why MY mum! must sound pathetic but its the way i feel.
I have a very short temper at the moment and the people that are getting most of the anger from me are my wife, my son and my poor dad. I dont mean to, but i feel anger to everyone, everyone apart from my mum.
Nothing else or no one matters to me at the moment apart from my mum!!!!!!!
Im also very teary, it come over me in huge waves. : (

[Lavenderlassie]

Mark, I am so sorry to read find this news.
I cannot add anything useful to the advice above, live in the small things to enjoy and continue to let your Mum know how much she is loved. Once again you have been there for your Mum and Dad, you are a real blessing to them
Lavender
xx

[Cackles]

Mark I have not browsed the forums for some time so your news has come as an unwelcome shock, I can't give any new words if comfort at this horrible time other than to agree so much with the messages from Revcat and Caroline. Do as much as you can to make this a happy restful time. Take all the help that is offered and get to know all mums hidden memories of you and her family's history. You are a wonderful loving son, she must be so proud of you
Lots of thoughts for you at this time
Big Hugs
Cackles

[Guest user]

Thanks for your kind words.

[carolihne]

Oh Mark, I feel for you all at this time. Like Rev Cat says try and make the most of the time you have left with your Mum - little things can mean such a lot - get out the old photos and have a good laugh/cry together. There will be a lot on your shoulders over the coming months so remember to take care of yourself (come on here if you need a simpathetic ear).. I have no idea how old your Dad is but i suspect he will find the whole situation quite bewildering and so you will have to support him too. It will be hard but careing for someone at this stage in their life can make for an incredibly close bond and this can be very rewarding in its own way.
best wishes
Caroline

[RevCat]

Oh Wacky, I am so sorry to read this, it is such devastating news for you, your dad and of course, your lovely Mum. Cancer is such an unpredictable disease, and it is so sad to hear there is no more that can be done for your Mum.


Hopefully the hospital will get the care-package sorted quickly so that she can get home where she belongs, to the care of her family, and will put in place good support with Marie Curie or other palliative care nurses.

This may sound trite, but try to find little things to make each day special - maybe a little treat, or taking your Mum out if she is up to it (you can borrow a wheelchair if she needs one), or a take away meal or a glass of her favourite tipple. Enjoy recalling ahppier days, laugh at old jokes, smile at old memories, and make some new ones. Your Mum will be so so glad to spend her time surrounded by her loving family.

Thinking of you all

[Guest user]

Hi all, so mum is just starting her 6th week in hospital.
We had a family meeting with the doctors on friday to discuss mum's treatment.
I asked for the meeting as the information that i was getting from dad seemed to be a bit vague at times and i was at work when the doctors were doing their ward rounds.
We were told that mum's cancer has spread to her spine in 2 places and that there is nothing more that they could do for mum.
They told us that mum only has months to live.
The plan is to have mum home in about two weeks after the care programe of having carers come in, has been put in place and a hospital bed put in mum and dad bedroom.
Hopefully now we can spend what time mum has left looking after her at home and enjoy the time we have left with her.
Its going to be really hard but im looking forward to having her back home and mum cant wait to get home.
Love you mum. : (

[Lavenderlassie]

Oh Wacky, What a time of it for you all.
But it does sound as though they are looking after your Mum well, and not putting her through procedures and treatments that are not appropriate.
Given the time she has been unwell, it is not surprising that she is not so good at standing, it may yet improve.
Often in our area, elderly folk go to a rehab unit for a short (2-4 week packages) time to get them more mobile and more into looking after themselves, before they go home, also giving time for support packages to be set up.
Love to you all, from your Mum and you, to your Dad and your OH.
Lavender
xx

[RevCat]

Hello Wacky,
I am SO sorry to hear how poorly your poor Mum has been, but how lovely of that nurse to bring in the cake - it just shows how much they think of her.

I think Caroline has lots of wise advcie for you all. Speak to McMillan and perhaps to Marie Curie too, as there is a lot of help your parents can get at home. I know that some hospices offer excellent respite care, where people go in for a few days just to give their family a much needed break, and they then go home again. But there is no way your Mum can be made to go there if she doesn't want to. Hopefully the hospital can put together a good care package for your Mum so that she is soon home, where you can all care for her. I hope your Dad is getting help and support from the professionals as it must be very distressing for him.

I hope you are getting support too - you could phone the BCC helpline people if you wanted to, they are there for family as well as people with breast cancer.

Take care of yourself... and you know where we are.

[carolihne]

Hi Mark,
Just sending you a big hug. It is a roller coaster ride for you all just now. Hopefully you will get your Mum home soon and she will have some quality time with you and your Dad. The hospital staff sound lovely and very careing but it just isn't home is it? I helped nurse my Dad at home and it does take a lot of energy both emotional and physical but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Before she comes home make sure you are getting adequate help from your local authority sociai services, you will need as much support as you can get. Also try Mc Millian and the district nurse. One thing that was good with Dad was a special kind of rippling matress that helped prevent him getting bed sores, there are lots of other gadgets they can supply to make your Mum's life easier but sometimes you really have to push to get them (drawer sheet, sling for lifting,walking frame etc etc)
good luck
caroline

[Guest user]

Hi all
So mum is starting her 5th week in hospital.
Its all been happening since i last posted. Mum was suddenly transfered back to the original hospital, for reasons we are still not completely sure of. Anyway mum was not getting better from the bladder infection, 3 days after being transfered to the original hospital, this was sorted.
Mum has been told that she is too old for the back op and is to be fitted if a back brace to wear when out of bed.
The brain op is now not needed and mum was confirmed as having Alzheimers yesterday.
There is very small bits of skin cancer on her back which is being treated with a chemo tablet (sorry cant remember name).
They tried to get mum out of bed yesterday but the muscles in her legs have gone and she was unable to stand.
Mum is to have physio for her back and legs.
The doctors that look after her treatment have been coming onto the ward each day to see how she is doing.
Home care people have been to see mum and dad to discuss aids needed arond the home to help when mum comes home.
Also what help would be needed with services/people coming into help bath, dress. etc.
One thing that did alarm dad was a question that mum was asked and that was, did she want to go home when she was better?
This was not asked in a ," i bet you would like to go home when your better" way but as if to say, "do you feel that you could ever go home"?
Still not sure what to think about the way they asked it, do they not think that she will be mobile enough for my dad and me to care for her?
A hospice was mentioned a few days ago and as the doctor put it " you are not going there to die, its not that sort, its a place where you can get care until you are well enough to go home".
The nurses where she is now have been great. It was her birthday Wednesday and wedding Aniversary on the same day. One nurse went out of her way to buy mum a birthday cake with her own money and time. What a nice thought!
They also put happy birthday bunting on her wall.

[Lavenderlassie]

Thanks for the update, Mark. It does sound as if they are doing their best for her, as you are. Best wishes to you all including your Dad- and your OH
Lavender
xx

[RevCat]

Hi Wacky,

Well done for persevering with the post - I appreciate the update.

Urine infections are notorious for causing confusion and hallucinations (sometimes what people say they see is very funny, but it is very worrying for family members). Once that's cleared up I expect she will be more like herself.

Hopefully they will soon get her well again - she really has been through the mill this year. And so have you.

Take care of yourself; you're doing great.

[Guest user]

Right lets try again, tried to post an update twice already but does not appear any where!
Hi all, just a quick update on mum.
Mum has got a urine infection so all ops have been postponed until this is cleared up.
Mum is due to have a spinal op for the compressed veribrae first.
The brain op has been put on hold and they are still monitoring this, hopefully get results of brain scan today that was done on Friday.
Mum is still very confused ,thinks she is in shops, hotels etc. She see's dogs and birds on the wards that are not there.
Mum now has low blood pressure.

[Lavenderlassie]

Good to hear from you, Wacky, and hear that the first scans were good, sorry about recent developments
People get collapsed vertebrae from osteoporosis and it hurts like any other kind of damaged vertebrae but there are treatments to try to prevent more damage.
The good news bad news cycle must be very difficult to deal with, thoughts and prayers with you.
Hang on in there
Lavender
x

[RevCat]

Hi Wacky,
Goodness, I've just shared that roller coaster ride with you - up, down, round and about. Thinking of you all - your poor Mum, hopefully they can sort the confusion (I'm assuming they've ruled out an infection as I know some infections can cause all sorts of weird hallucinations and confusion).

Reallt releived it's not the cancer back. Osteoporosis is not something I know much about, but I think it can be managed quite well.

Hopefully some of the other ladies will spot your post and be along soon.

Take care and stay strong, you are one special son to your lovely mum.

[Guest user]

Hi all.
Mum is still in hospital. She had various scans, xrays and ultrasounds last week.
The results came back ok ( puzzled after what we had initially been told) apart from the pain in her back. We were worried that the cancer had spread to her spine when we were told she had a compressed vertebrae.
Turns out this is caused from osteoporosis. So they are trying to sort that out and have Confined her to bed.
All seemed to be going ok, the swelling in her arm, neck and face had improved But then last Friday mum started thinking that the hospital was a hotel in Cornwall. Mums memory had worsened massively in a couple of days!
Mum was transferred to st George's brain hospital at one in the morning Monday. They are to do a head scan Wednesday. They are concerned that the clots that they were treating had broken up and travelled to her brain.
We have been told to prepare ourselves for mum having brain surgery Thursday or Friday.
Can't believe what's been going on with mum. One minute we have bad news and we are all worried then it's good news then bad Again!!

[Guest user]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice, it means a lot to me.
Mum has now been in hospital since Thursday afternoon. Yesterday she had an ultrasound on her arm and neck. The results on her arm (with the Lymphoadema) came back inconclusive but her neck showed a blockage in the main artery , probably clots. Late last night mum was moved to the cancer ward and is to undergo a full body scan this morning. Hopefully find out more later today.

[carolihne]

Hi Wacky,
I am sorry that things are worse for your Mum than you thought but you did the right thing in getting in the professionals. It is soo hard with elderly relations -finding a balance between letting them be independant and then them not copeing. They want to retain control but sometimes they just can't manage - don't beat yourself up about not going to Drs appointments you did what you thought was right and what they wanted. Hopefully your Mum will get the help she needs now and they may also be able to offer your Dad some support too.
best wishes
Caroline

[Lavenderlassie]

Wacky, I am very sorry that the news was not good but very glad that you got help for your Mum and Dad.
Thoughts and prayers with you all.
Lavender
xx

[AnnieK68]

Wacky, I'm so glad you got help but sorry that you have found out things are worse than you thought, it must have been a shock for you.

I know with my Mum either myself or my sister in law go to appointments with her now, she hasn't got cancer but gets very confused! Sometimes they just hear what they want to hear.

My thoughts & prayers are with you

Axx

[Sam_BCC]

Hi wacky racer
Just to say if you need some extra support or to talk things through during such a tough time please don't hesitate to give the BCC helpline a call. The staff on the helpline are there to offer you emotional support as well as practical information. The number is 0808 800 6000 and lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 10 to 2pm.
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator