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Feel like a fraud

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Morning Ladies

Thank you so much for your support & kind words

Managed a quick glass of prosecco in Harvey Nicks at 10am 😂, but braved the shave & to be fair it was ok. The wig is easier to put on now & it is so much better without all the hairs dropping which was more distressing than having a shaved head!

Thanks again

Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude

 

Great that you're ploughing on through, keep it up, you sound so positive despite the challenges and hair loss, but seems you've got it sorted on the hardware. Deffo don't go Hilda Ogden except for a giggle!

 

All the best and for braving the shave, you're a strong minded lady who can get through this,

 

Hugs to you Jane x 

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi jem my lovely. Here you are talking rads, amazing and just one more chemo to go. Rads will be a breeze “Sally’s words” and true. That last stretch is in site hey? Mid August and we met in April how quick has that time gone but agree sometimes not so quick. You have done so well and as for Audrey she has done so well also I remember when you were going down the road getting a wig and how much you were dreading it and here you are being absolutely fine with her. What a journey hey? Your one amazing lady along with all on here. Will message you next week for a catch up. Back at work now so being kept busy. Love to the family. Take care. X
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Jude... Just read your blog you are an amazing lady. Fingers crossed for your next sessions I know it's a hard road to walk but you have an amazing approach which is half the battle. Look forward to your ext post as and when your ready. Sending you lots of love Chris xx
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude
Again your blog was spot on.
Thinking of you today- wig cut and shave- brave and strong lady .
Big hugs 🤗 Jem xx
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Re: Feel like a fraud

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Ladies hope you are all ok today

Jane - From hipheadwear I got 1 x jersey with a knot style & 1 x autumnal luxury turban - they are both lovely & soft & will be suitable in the house or out & about when I don’t want to wear a wig
Good luck with your operation & hope your recovery goes well

Jane & Jem - the wig appointment went really well. I’ve got a lovely expensive wig on the NHS - Dream Deluxe - in chestnut mist. It’s even got 3 different shades in it so looks really good. I’m going into the shop with the wig on Friday & they are going to cut a fringe in it for me & will cut my hair as well. I may brave the shave as it is coming out in handfuls now - bit scared I might cry but it needs doing.

Jem - those steroids are horrid aren’t they? Hope you managed to rest while you had some peace & quiet & fingers crossed you have a better night’s sleep tonight
I know I’ve only had one cycle (next one on Monday) but I admire all of you with younger children - it must be so hard to cope with the side effects & manage yours & their emotions

Take care all

Jude x


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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude
How has wig shopping been? Did you select one - I went for Audrey (just pop Audrey wig into google), she gives me confidence. Many people have commented on my new style/slightly lighter- I have just smiled and said thank you. Agree hair loss is traumatic in every way .
Didn’t sleep well- steroids are to blame ! But ok today, very fatigued. Chn off out with friend and her 2 this afternoon do I’m resting now .
Big hug 🤗
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jane
Good to hear from you. Hope all goes well with surgery tomorrow. My LD flap has been definitely the right choice for me- I’m tiny and therefore didn’t have any other option. My scarring is very neat and will be able to wear bikini if I want to. It is quite painful for a few days as 2 areas affected- take all the pain relief they give you. They will want to get you up and walking the next day.
You will find that nurses keep close eye on you for 1st 24 hours to ensure blood supply good - it felt like I was showing my new beast to everyone. I chose to look at new breast mound in my own time and just with Hubbie there- helped me that it was in my own time - was pleasantly surprised.
All the cancer has gone 😊 it was Invasive Durval With some DCIS. The need for chemo has been that original tumour was 2.3cm but they found another smaller one and some tiny fragments- it was therefore classed as multi focal and over 3cm in total- the NICE guidelines for chemo I think. I had margins but the skin side margins were slim therefore need for rads to help reduce local reoccurrence as much as possible - waiting for appt with new oncologist for rads.
When dressings are off use bio oil and E45 on scars and breast mound- my scarring is flat and looking good.
Please let me know how it goes, big hug today and gentle hug ready for tomorrow 🤗
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude,

 

Pleased to hear things are going as well as they can be and that you're managing the chemo as best possible. I can't imagine anyone sails through it and huge hugs to all you ladies having to deal with that (it's not expected that I will be). 

 

What are your hipheadwear items, will you be getting a wig.

Good luck and take care

x

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi JemPD

 

Interseting to note that you had an LD flap and yet you'll be having chemo and RT? 

I'm having an LD tomorrow as part of my mastectomy but as my cancer is DCIS then chemo and/or RT are not in the plan unless something totally unexpected is found when they examine the removed breast. Lymph nodes are clear.

May I ask what you had? DCIS or invasive?

 

If you have any hints/tips about recovery/feelings after LD I'd welcome them. I've had fun with the nerves knitting after the SNB in June, can only imagine how more extensive that will be after LD!

Thanks and good luck in your recovery and next steps.

Jane xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jem,

 

The official name of the reconstruction was a "lateral thoric artery flap GA".

 

I had some itching on my lower rib cage post surgery which I think was down to the nerves impacted by surgery. I just slept in a soft crop top bra I use at the gym for yoga to stop me scratching near the incision in my sleep.

 

Everything has settled down now. Just a difference in the texture of the flesh when you rub it.

 

Elaine

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jem

I’ve got my wig appointment tomorrow, no idea why but feel a bit nervous- this hair loss is traumatic all round. My parting is getting wider!
I have got a couple of head scarves so will probably wear them around the house & wear the wig when I go out

You’ve defo struggled with the mouth ulcers, that can’t be much fun when eating & drinking

Hope you are feeling ok tonight & over the next few days

Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Elaine

An up side of chemo is that my underarm hair has already gone but by the time I start radiotherapy it will probably have grown back 😂

Good luck x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Yorkshire Tyke

I'm still using the bio oil each day along with E45. My surgery was mid April and scaring is looking much better now. Agree with you about the 'plug' feels strange. 

Did you have reconstruction? I had an ld flap using the muscle from my back, I had very strange feelings when the nerves started growing back, oncologist reassured me was normal.

Good luck with the radiotherapy, I will have after chemo- so mid/late September.at last found a good thing about chemo- no underarm hair!! I was recommended today to use non-aluminium deodorant - they recommend Pitrock - my husband has been using, since I threw out all other deodorants in the house, and likes.

Jem xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude

So pleased this week better 😀. Hair is really hard, sending big hugs 🤗 I've kept about 40-50% of hair- had hoped for more but having some left has really helped the children. We will all be with you on Friday, don the big pants and pop us all in the pockets!! Are we you going for a wig? i went for a wig to wear out and head scarves at home. My wig, Audrey, has helped my confidence and look 'normal'. 

I wont need herceptin as oestrogen positive and her-. 

Mouth ulces- I really suffer, lt cycle 50 mouth sores. difflam is good, my nurses also recommended GelClair- it is a miracle drug that coats your mouth and numbs it so that you can eat😀😀- GP hadn't heard of but was happy to prescribe.

cycle 5 completed today, felt really sick and unwell straight after- nurse and I weren't sure if caused by cold cap being very cold or docetaxol. After half hour felt much better. Slept most of afternoon and managed a health dinner. 

After chemo plan has been for radiotherapy- waiting for appt with different oncologist for this. One of chemo nurses took me for tour round radiotherapy dept today- helped talk through with the lovely staff there.

hoping se will be kind to me over next week/10 days.

big hugs Jem xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude,

 

Glad you are feeling a bit more human.

 

Radiotheraphy starts on Thusday for 15 days (not weekends or B hol) so should be done early September.

 

Still using the bio-oil on the scar which is still very red but no longer lumpy! But then it's only 8 weeks since surgery!

 

Texture of breast where they "plugged the hole" with a bit of tissue from my underarm feels firmer and was lumpy but is flattening out. To be honest thats the only bit that occassionally hurts from clothes rubbing against it.

 

On the down-side the recommendation is that you don't shave your armpit whilst having the radiotherapy so I will have a very furry underarm in no time. Yuck 😞 Another small indignity. LOL.

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jem

This week other than been tired has been great - feel almost like myself again!

Major issue this week is hair coming out - big style - I'm supposed to be at the hairdressers just to have it cut on Friday but I'm thinking might have to go with the shave - bit scared I might cry when they do it though. Will take my hipheadwear items with me in case I need to cover up to get home
With younger children hair is very important so well done for cold capping.

Are you having Herceptin with the T? I've got 3 x EC then 3 x T & starting Herceptin
I've had mouth ulcers with the EC so my breast care nurse is prescribing diflam? for my next chemo

Portugal sounds lovely for half term, you'll be through the chemo & ready for it. Are you then having radiotherapy?

I have tried to focus weekly & I think the next cycle will be easier as I know it will improve from week 1

Take care

Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Elaine

I've got my 2nd chemo next week & am really hoping for less side effects, my breast care nurse is going to arrange some different meds so fingers crossed

Pleased you are organised & ready for your radiotherapy- let me know how you get on as I will be going to St James as well. Are you having 3 weeks Monday to Friday?
I've been using the bio-oil on my scar & I really like it. Still quite lumpy around the scar though

Take care
Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Good morning ladie

Jude so pleased you are feeling much better after an awful week 1. Your blog is so well written and sums up the awfulness we go through. For me on Fec the pattern was week 1 awful, week 2 need to keep out of public places but feeling much improved, week 3 normality - whatever that is now- returns. I hope the same for you.

 

I'm now on the 2nd T (docetaxol) today. Been away with my lovely family - Hubble and 3 children - last week and had a fab time feeling normal. The se from the docetaxol are very different- no fuzzy head but terrible mouth sores and bone pain- apparently 1st one seems to be the worse. I'm cold capping and I am dreading this today- the 1st minutes is dreadful, however I still have some hair and it hopefully will grow back faster- all important for my lovely children. My middle one (10) was so sad when he knew I had to go through another cycle and asked if they (the medical team) could just stop doing this to you mummy 😥

 

Holiday in Mexico sounds great- something positive to focus on. We are off to Portugal in October half term- really hoping for no delays in chemo( I have done so well keeping on schedule, especially with the tonsillitis) and radiotherapy can be finished before I go- all active treat,met over then- there is light at the end of this long tunnel. Jude my advise would be not to focus on the end at the moment but on this week within this cycle.

 

take care all I'll pick up with you the other side of chemo 5.

Jem xx🤗

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude,

 

I hope this weeks cocktail of drugs results in fewer side effects. You can do without another visit from vomit girl that's for sure. Just being sick like that due to a bug is exhausting!

 

I'm all marked up (this time with 3 little tatoo dots) for the radiotheraphy. I have stock pile of pain killers, squash (there's only so much water you can drink) and books to read while I'm sat around waiting. I also ordered the skincare products RosiePosie recommended online. I've started using them (along with the bio-oil) and they are really nice. My chest has never seen so much care and attention!

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Elaine

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Thanks Rosie - you are lovely x
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 Mcgee

You made me smile with your fraudulent parts...your ‘foobs’! Thank you! 😉 Glad they are not causing you too much discomfort.

 

Hope you are still recovering well - take care and take it gently! Enjoy the time to look after yourself.

 

Rosie xx

 

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Jude, i’m good thanks - thank you for asking.

 

I am just taking each day as it comes and doing the things I enjoy...made jam this morning with fruit from our garden!

Simple things eh?

 

Glad that you’re feeling more yourself and I hope you too can enjoy some lovely things in the days whilst you are feeling ok.

 

I loved reading your blog again! Keep up the good work...I think there are plenty of us here who are enjoying/sympathising/encouraging you on your journey. Glad that you have the company of other ‘August ladies’ to support.

 

take care.

Rosie xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Rosie
Thanks for the message & foryour support, it’s much appreciated - hope you are ok

I am starting to feel loads better so definitely over the worst & I will get my meds changed for the next cycle
I have joined the chemo August thread & it is really useful & supportive
Attached is my latest blog - thanks for reading

https://dancingwithchemo.wordpress.com/2018/08/07/the-first-dance-%f0%9f%92%83/

Take care

Jude x

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude,

 

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time with the chemo. From what I’ve read on the forum it does seem to take some trial and error to sort out the anti-sickness meds for some ladies. Fortunately it was one of the only side effects I couldn’t tick off the extensive list! 

 

I now feel as though I can relate to the thread title because it’s almost 2 weeks since I had my DM with direct to implant reconstruction so I now contain fraudulent parts! My “foobs” seem to be doing ok so far and I was pleasantly suprised by the lack of pain, just discomfort and odd pressure changes when moving positions. I was discharged with 4 drains and had the last 2 removed on Friday so I was glad to see the back of them and no longer having to lug them around. Fortunately the pathology results showed no further changes in the breast tissue that was removed so that’s good news. I’m now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel - can’t wait to be driving again and trying to get back to normal though my surgeon says I shouldn’t return to work for another couple of months yet...

 

Take care of yourself and hope you get some respite from the side effects soon, they can’t go on forever.

M x

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude 

I’m sorry to hear how you have been suffering with your SE’s - it must be quite debilitating and I hope you can get some medication that helps and suits you better for the next round. I don’t suppose the heat is helping much either...think we are all struggling 😓😓!

 

I guess you are on one of the Chemo monthly threads and able to chat with the other ladies going through the same thing. I’m sure you have tremendous support there and everyone can comfort each other. 

 

Thinking of you and wishing you well. A holiday is Mexico sounds just perfect for next March!! 

Sending some gentle hugs and I look forward to reading your next blog post. Let us know here too!!

 

Love Rosie xx

 

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Elaine
I’m going to be honest the first week of chemo was shocking - mega nauseous & vomiting, will need to ask if I can change my anti sickness meds for the next cycle I think - & so tired!
I do feel that we need to be careful to ourselves & start accepting what our diagnosis is / was & vocalising it where suitable otherwise we are almost dumbing down what is/has happened to us. However that’s easier said than done!
I’m pleased you are now moving forward with your radiotherapy, you now have an end date in sight. Let me know how it goes & any tips as I’ll probably be having mine late December/early jan
Booked the holiday today - having 10 days in Mexico starting 17th March, so something to look forward to during the rough weeks ahead
Take care
Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude,

 

This sounds so lame but I hope you're coping with the treatment and it's not getting you down too much.

 

I've read both your blogs and the first one about telling people what's going on struck a chord. I've found myself muttering "I've had to have a minor operation"..... and when asked "Are you ok now?" saying "I should be". It's tough to know what to say to people who are not close friends or relatives.

 

After a bit hassle trying to track down whether my referral had been actioned or not I finally got a phone call to book me in for my meeting with the oncologist to sort out my radiotheraphy session. I got the phone call Friday at 5.30 and was booked in for the following Monday at 2.30!

 

I'm now all sorted for the 16th when the treatment starts.

 

Elaine

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Ladies

Thanks again for your support - it does mean a lot

Jane - glad you enjoyed the blogs, I’m finding that it’s an easy way to pass on information to friends & family rather than having to talk to them all on an individual basis - & also cathartic
Jem - so sorry you have had an hospital stay, tonsillitis is quite nasty, hope u continue to improve. Will it delay your next chemo?
My first chemo today went as well as can be expected, I just feel fuzzy around the edges. I’m sure the next couple of days will be different but 1 day at a time
Take care x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Jude, Sending good wishes that the chemo doesn't get you down too much, and hope your sleep improves.

Keep the blog going, it's great to read and am sure it will give much hope and support to others in the same situation. Take care. x

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Re: Feel like a fraud

 Jude hope all has gone well with 1st chemo today. Be kind to yourself. Take each day at a time, tomorrow you may feel very different. Break each cycle down - week 1 your body is shouting what's going on, week 2- stay away from infection and then by week 3 you're feeling great again. 

Your blog was great again - well done you.

i thought I was suffering from side effects from 4th chemo, after temp went up I ended up in hospital with a nasty dose of tonsillitis- thought of this blog as I felt like a fraud on oncology ward with some really poorly ladies. iV anti biotics and fluids helped and came home yesterday. I've suffered with tonsillitis before and it really knocks me for a week. The ladies I shared the ward with were amazing- not breast cancer- all 80 + and suffering going through radiotherapy..I really admired their ability to be positive. Xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Jude

I can imagine that sleep didn’t come very easily for you last night...I can understand completely.

Be kind to yourself and take it easy when you get home later today. I’m sure that you will be well looked after.

 

I’m good thank you - enjoying my garden, the sunshine, listening to the birds singing and watching my two rescued cats playing happily together. Little things!😉

 

Will be thinking of you.

Love Rosie xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Rosie
Thanks a lot
Have to say I didn’t sleep very well last night, going into a new experience...
Hope you are ok
Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude

 

Sending you lots of luck and positive thoughts for today! Hope all goes well and you find that you don’t suffer too many SE’s. 

I’m holding your hand and sending love and hugs.Take care.

Rosie. Xx

 

PS Am just about to read your second blog!

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Ladies
I’m on a roll with this blogging malarkey - 2nd blog is really to help friends & family have an idea about side effects of chemo
Btw I’m starting chemo tomorrow ☠️
If you have a couple of spare minutes, please give it a read
https://dancingwithchemo.wordpress.com/2018/07/28/limbering-up/

Jude x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Sophie

I’m very sorry to hear your results were not as you hoped. It’s just the most difficult time and hard to concentrate on anything other than that.

It will get better when you know your treatment plan!! Keep visiting the forum and sharing your worries - when you need to. There’s always some lovely ladies around to listen.

Sending you positive thoughts and love.

Rosie xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Jem, I’m so sorry to hear about your unfeeling family member on what should have been a lovely evening out for you. It’s very thoughtless and so not necessary!! I would be mad too. You have a rant and moan!!! We all understand here. Keep your chin up and keep fighting. We are all willing you on.

Sending love and big hugs.

Rosie xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Sophie

I’m sorry to hear that your results were not what you were hoping for, you have a lot to process before your next appointment
Hope you are coping ok & have good support from friends & family
Thinking of you x
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I've so loved reading through this thread. Thank you all for sharing xxx
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Sophie
Sorry to hear your results weren’t as we hoped for yesterday. They thought I only had 1 small tumour but results from mx were multi focal too- after the shock of this I came to the conclusion at least they found it all, removed it and now chemo and rads to ensure the nasties remain away- it helps me to keep this in mind when I’m having a bad day from se of the chemo.
When is appt with oncologist ?
Take care and don’t dr Google multifocal - ask your team all the questions as they know your particular history.
Hugs xx
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Rosie - great post, sums up how I feel.
Just last evening we were out for an extended family meal and met people we know in the restaurant -I was furious at a member of my family’s response to the inquisitiveness about me not being well- this is my body, I’m fighting and I’m don’t need well meaning busybodies. Tried to explain again to famiy that I need to be me and nit difined by this awful bc, but sometimes they just don’t get it- sorry rant over, just needed to get it off my chest.
Xx
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Dear Ladies 

I can only agree with you and all of your comments!

The responses, the etiquette, the smile and ‘I’m fine’, the look of pity. Not wanting to trivialise it but unable to explain it like it is!!

One thing I always say is that I don’t want to be defined by bc and I don’t want people discussing me!!!!

 

There is very little you can control on this roller coaster journey of bc particularly at the beginning of the road. However I think that having a little bit choice in whom you confide in certainly helps - those you know who will give their love and support, unconditionally on the journey, are the people you need. 

 

I also know that the support here is the best, no one else understands like someone who has been there, even if our journeys are different.

 

loving the blogs and reading how everyone is doing. I’m cheering you on from across the channel.

 

Good luck everyone with results, treatment and recovery. Do  take care.

Love and hugs from France.

Rosie xx

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi McGhee,

So sorry to hear about your BRACA2.  I have a terrible family history so went through genes testing last month and I have a vague idea of some of the difficult knock on decisions treatment you might be facing.  I wish you all the very best of luck with all of it.

My pathology results yesterday were a shock.  Instead of one tumour it turms out the "nasty" was multi-focal and follow up tests are being performed to double check on what type(s) of cancer it was.  The only way I can describe my lymph is riddled...  with sizeable macrometastasis all the way into level 3.  I had absolutely no idea how advanced it was.

The news is still sinking in.  I need to be super-patient waiting for my oncology appointment next Friday and try not to speculate about what is going on under my collar bone.  A bit tricky.

These wonderful tips on navigating chemo will be very helpful all too soon.

Speak soon

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi McGee

Lovely to hear from you & I’m pleased it’s not just me who doesn’t really know how to respond to polite enquiries.
You’ve had a tough few weeks I had wondered if you’d made your decision - a tough & brave call for you. Hope you recover well as it is a big operation, will you need any other treatment? I’m not that knowledgeable on braca2+.
Mind you 3 months ago I wasn’t knowledgeable on anything breast cancer related - I’ve learnt so much, it’s like another little world
Thanks for the chemo tips, hopefully I can learn from everyone else’s experiences & take on board the tips to get through any side effects

Take care x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Jude,

 

Just have to say I loved reading your blog - especially the point about etiquette. Yes, i wasn’t sure how to approach this myself when you bump into someone and have to answer the “How are you?” query. I always felt that to answer with “apart from the breast cancer, I’m fine” probably sounded a bit flippant! However after losing most of my hair to chemo then just going for the shave it did give the game away a little.

 

I’m currently melting in my hospital room after a double mastectomy and implant reconstruction. Unfortunately my gene test results (brca2 positive) didn’t come through until the day after my lumpectomy 🙁 so I was back into theatre yesterday. 

 

All the the best with your chemo journey and I will echo what others have advised, just take it one day at a time. Yes, there will be rough days, it certainly affected me mentally and emotionally as well as physically but to steal a phrase I came across recently “if you can’t yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, you haven’t gone round the bend”. Interpret this as you will 😂

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Re: Feel like a fraud

Good luck with your results today Sophie, the waiting is horrible so I’ll be thinking of you x
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Sophie I hope your results are good news tomorrow - remember that appointment so well myself- we are all here, not because we want to be or choose to but whatever is thrown at us we are here to support and cheer with you. I hope you are having all by someone with you, I certainly don’t take in all the details and need Hubbie to go through with he good he’s and next steps. Please let us know how you get on.
Thinking of you, sending hugs Jem xx
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Thank you Gill, right back at you awesome lady 💕
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Re: Feel like a fraud

Hi Ladies
A big thank you to all of you who have read my first blog & commented kindly
If it has helped any of you to either put something into words or on paper or even to admit something to yourself I will feel very honoured
These forums are fantastically supportive. We are all at different ages & stages of life with different family makeup’s, but are here for each other. I do feel for those of you with younger children as they are so affected by peer pressure that in turn it puts additional stress on you at tricky times
Love to you all x