Feel like a fraud

[Yorkshire Tyke]

Hi Jude,

I'm so happy you had such a fun day out, and the mental image of you sat in full war paint and no wig did make me giggle!

To be honest it felt like an anti climax when I finished the rads. My life is basically back to normal now. Although I applied for an got a new job in the midst of all the chaos!

The redness and itchy skin peeked on Friday and has now started to settle down, whilst my sun tanned armpit looks to be honest bruised but is in no way painful!

You will have an appointment with the nurse to check your skin on the day of your last appointment (and if you have any problems just tell them and the will refer you to the out patients ward if necessary - that how I got to the bottom of my infection) and another one 6 weeks later. Mine is with my breast cancer nurse back in Harrogate.

I suspect that, that is when I will find out how often I have to go to clinic for a check-up. I know the mammogram will be annual but I'm not so sure about the medication reviews.

I hope you had a restful weekend

Elaine

[Jude1962]

Hi Jem

Well done on the walking, I’ve been trying to walk a little everyday, last weekend before chemo I got up to 5.5km so am trying to build myself up. My plan is to do couch to 5k running by end of next March!! I love a plan!
Sounds like you have a busy weekend - have a great time, try not to overdo it
I’m having a settee day today

Take cate

Jude x

[JemPD]

Hi Jude
So pleased you had a great day- well done you 😊
You made me smile with you say there bald, make up on 😆
I too have dark blue nails - docetaxel can effect your nails. My fingers hurt but nails all intact so far. Had a discussion with my nurse about how long to keep the dark nail varnish on - we decided about 6 weeks post- no scientific reason but if nails lifted would be gutted. So I’m now deciding which colour next? I will need to keep covered as ridges across showing surgery and each chemo cycle!!!
I hope you can rest over the weekend.
I walked just over 6km today😊 amazing when Wednesday 500 m and my legs aches ! Busy weekend here- off to help parents in the morning and meeting friends in the New Forest for walk & Bbq, Sunday equally busy- lunch with friends and afternoon out. Just hoping no one has an infection.
Rest now xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Jem

Thank you very much - very kind of you - yes I’m in the blue hat, have had an absolutely lovely day but now pooped!
Apparently the T chemo which I have next time can effect your nails but dark polish (mine is shellac) is supposed to help against them getting brittle & damaged? And as they are not growing anymore they should last a while
To give you a laugh I’m now sat at home in my dressing gown, bald, still with my makeup on & I look like Terence Stamp in Priscilla Queen of the Desert!!

Hope you are ok?

Take care

Jude x

[Jude1962]

Hi Elaine

Good to hear you are doing ok
I do find the blogs to be quite cathartic so if nothing else it’s keeping my head together!
I did get to the races & had a fab day but am absolutely pooped now - will have to have a very quiet day tomorrow!

Thanks for all the info re the radiotherapy- I’ll bear in mind the extra time needed to get parked & thanks for the directions & info that will be really helpful
Well done on getting through your rads with no major discomfit - how are you feeling now it is complete? Or do you have some further follow up appointments. Hopefully you can gradually get your life back together

Take care

Jude x

[JemPD]

Jude you made it 🎉😊😊🎉 you look amazing beautiful lady- even matching nail varnish (that is I think you are the one in blue hat?!)
Hope you have a fab time xx

[Yorkshire Tyke]

Morning Ladies,

Jude I hope you feel a bit better today and make it to the races! I've been reading your blogs and they've made me laugh and shed a tear. I read the blog about the wig fitting whilst at the hair dressers. If I'd gone down the chemo route that would have been the day of the chop but instead it was the normal application of dye to hide the white roots! Besides I doubt very much that they make wigs to fit my natural hair style which is less chic bob and more long haired, slightly dishevelled poodle!

My radiotheraphy completed last Thursday. It was both a relief and an anti-climax. So far my skin has gone a bit red (you would have to be up close and personal to see it) and feels mildly itchy. I'm still drinking loads of water (about 2 litres per day) and applying moisturiser (Avene - RosePosie recommended and Aveeno - which is on offer in Waitrose). I had a bit of a rough day on Sunday (that could have been the red wine!) but otherwise I've felt fine and the rest of my skin looks much better thanks to all the water!

My appointments pretty much ran to time but I'd recommend that you give yourself some time to find a slot in the hospital multi-story. You will find one, it's just very busy with cars coming and going so you often have to wait to go up to the next floor or for someone to park. You don't have to pay and you exit via Floor A0. Just walk across to the main entrance then on to the "Green Lifts" and down to -A2. The opposite set of doors to the one you entered through will open and the toilets are on the right and reception to check in for your appointment on the left. When you go round to the waiting area to the machine you've been allocated there are more toilets. If you drink the amount of water I did you'll need them!

Radiotheraphy itself is just like having an xray. The majority of the time is spent lining you up with the marks to make sure they get the best coverage they can. My skin felt a bit warm afterwards but I was never in any pain.

Once again enjoy the races Jude!

Elaine

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

Feel loads better today just background nausea rather than full blown! Ufortunately the steroids had me fully awake at 4am but dud have 2 walks today -so think the races will be a goer!

If you get chance have a listen to the older podcasts- well worth a listen

Have a good week

Lots of love

Judy

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

I hope by now you are feeling a bit better and not so nauseous and that you slept ok too.

Hope you’re taking it easy again today - feet up , good book.

Just read your blog - I loved it, and to think you were thinking of not writing this time!!

I’m so pleased you are making plans to go to the races soon, I’m sure your lovely friends will look after you!

Sounds like you’re going to be prepared with the meds too.😉 You’ll have a great time.

Everything you said about Rachael Bland rang true!  I listened to the podcast yesterday ‘About our Rachael’ and it was very sad but also, I felt uplifted by it, talking about the big c in such an informative but realistic way. It’s gotta be good!!!

Keep up the good work.

Sending hugs to you.

Lots ove love 

Rosie xxx

[Jude1962]

Blog alert! x
https://dancingwithchemo.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/a-quick-step/

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

Had a reasonable night but still feeling mega nauseous, the meds are holding it at bay as I’ve not been sick! So that’s a plus point

Hoping I’ll start to improve tomorrow

Jem - hope the PICC line removal went well & you are recovering ok

Lots of love

Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jem

I wish you luck for today and hope that all goes smoothly with the PICC line.I can imagine what a big step it feels like.

Hope your se’s are improving and you are taking good care of yourself. And I hope you find something good to eat, that takes your fancy,  and to tempt your appetite. Lard at the beat of times...yuk!!!! 🤢

Sending love and hugs.

Rosie xx

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

I hope you are not feeling too awful this morning and I hope you going to rest and take things easy. It seems awful to say that I’m glad your chemo went ahead and knowing how rough you’ll feel but at least you’re halfway there!!!

I am having a quiet week after the party ( its was great with cake and fizz etc) but I don’t drink very much and take care about the diet. Sad I know but after bc I’m just trying to take care of myself as much as possible.

Look after yourself. Sending gentle hugs and love from France.

love Rosie xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie & Jem

Rosie - that’s lovely that you have now had your 60th bash even if a bit late, this blooming cancer gets in the way of life unfortunately. But better late than never!
You’ll probably need to chill this week to get over all the excitement, food & fizz 🎉

Jem - sorry to hear about your mouth side effects, I was prescribed mouth wash last time that really helped. That potato rosti sounds a bit grim! I quite like a jacket potato even if I only eat the inside when I’m chemo girl!

My blood tests were ok, my neuts has crept up to 1.37 so slightly better than last time so all went ahead ok. I had a bit of toast when I got home, been to bed for a couple of hours but am now starting to feel nauseous so could be a long night!

Take care & sending lots of love to both of you

Jude x

[JemPD]

Hi Jude

i do hope your blood results were back in good time today and you could go ahead with your chemo. It sounds strange to say hope you had chemo- but if you're like me You just want to get on with it without any hiccups. And now time to look after yourself .

ive done better today, bone pain and aches gone, but the mouth thrush and sore now kicked in again😥. Hubble though potato rosti might be good- any other potato is a no no-was really looking forward to but tasted like eating a spoonful of lard!! My youngest,7, asked how I knew what lard tastes like!! 😂😂. 

Tomorrow my PICC line coming out😀Think this will be a big step for me, hope it doesn't hurt!

take care xx

[Rosyposie]

Yes I had a great weekend thank you. Very busy but fun. I finally managed to celebrate my 60th birthday properly yesterday with hubby and some friends. It was lovely.

Hope all has gone well for you today and you’re getting through it.

Thinking of you.

Take care, 

love Rosie xxx

[Jude1962]

Thanks Rosie

Hopefully I’ll be good to go! Fingers crossed 🤞

Hope you have had a good weekend

Take care

Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hello Jem

Sorry to hear that the se’s this time have been miserable and are making you feel so tired as well.

Sleep is a body’s way of healing and you’ve been through so much. Do hope you feel better soon.

In the meantime be kind to yourself and go with it.

sending you some positive thoughts from France.

Take care.

Love Rosie xx

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

I just wanted to wish you well for tomorrow. Third chemo and you’ll be halfway through!!!

I’ll be thinking about you and cheering you on. Hope that all the results are in too, ready to go.

Take care

Love Rosie xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Jem

Poor you struggling though the blooming horrible side effects - that fatigue is so debilitating. Hope you get through the next couple of days & then start to improve. Look after yourself as you could do without any dramas on this last cycle.
Hope the children have settled in well to their new school years
At the hospital I go to I have my blood test on a Friday morning & then you phone the chemo ward after 4pm to check you are ok for chemo. On Friday they didn’t have my test results back so have to phone 8.30 Monday morning - not sure what happens if there’s a problem? Presumably I’d have to go in anyway for some treatment?
Anyway all things being equal I’m in the chair 10am tomorrow & like you say I’ll then be halfway through 😀

Take lots of care

Jude x

[JemPD]

Hi Jude
Hope all goes well tomorrow- you are doing amazingly wel. Half way😊but just focus on this cycle.
Side effects been miserable here this weekend- not my bed from the sofa and slept lots. However not been into hospital with high temp.
I’ve had a picc line in for chemo- comes out on Tuesday 😊. Think it will feel real- I’ve finished then.
Take care xx

[Jude1962]

Thanks Rosie

I’m having a lovely 3rd week just gearing myself up
for it again next Monday
But then I’ll be half way though so getting there!

Hope you are keeping well

Take care

Jude x

[Jude1962]

Hi Jem

Last chemo session completed! 🛎
Well done you!
I know you’ve got to get through the pesky side effects of this last cycle so take double care to stay well though them
I’m so pleased for you & the family - been able to do the new school year run is brilliant in the circumstances. I’m in awe of how you mums with younger children cope with the day to day
I hope you all have a fabulous end of chemo party 🎈 🎉
I’m having my good week & have got out with friends for lunch a couple of times which has been lovely - 3rd cycle starts next Monday but then I’ll be half way through

Take care

Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

I hope you are doing ok and taking it easy!!

Sending hugs to you.

love Rosie xx

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jem

Congratulations on getting through last chemo and being able to ring those bells 🎉🤗🛎🛎🛎!!

It is emotional...even I felt it after the rads and didn’t need to take the chemo pathway.

Glad to hear you are resting today and making time for yourself but also pleased that you were able to take your daughter to school. Very important for both of you (I’m a retired teacher, so know how much it means😉). How lovely also that your children are planning a celebration together - enjoy the chocolate and seeing them happy too. 

I hope your se’s are not too awful and I’ll be thinking of you. That’s it!!! Yay!!!!

Enjoy your rest and relaxation and let the family all spoil you.

Hugs. Take care.

love Rosie xx

[JemPD]

Hi Jude and Rosie (& other lovely ladies)
Hope you are both ok. When is next chemo Jude ?
Good news here - last chemo was yesterday 😊😊🛎🎉, there is an end point Jude but just take each cycle at a time. I got very emotional as last chemo bag finished but then was really sick 😖. Feeling ok today and was so pleased to be able to take my youngest 2 to school today, youngest started Juniors so really wanted to take her. All went well, eldest goes back tomorrow and being spoilt by grandparents today 😊. Children had 3 bells to ring yesterday and they are in charge of planning celebration in a couple of weeks- appears to revolve around chocolate and games 😊- I need to get over se first- not looking forward to next 9 days- today just washed out so resting and going to go for walk later.
Take care xx

[Jude1962]

Have a lovely weekend Rosie x

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

Yes, it was my HER2 test that came back as borderline, so they did a FISH test which takes longer for the results to come through. The surgeon was more optimistic than I and said, in her opinion, she thought it would be negative. It was an anxious wait and that’s when I geared myself up for chemo.

However she was right...so I didn’t have to have to go down that route. But as others have said, you throw everything at this disease, don’t you?

Have a good weekend and take care too.

love Rosie xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

I was the opposite to you, I was initially told an op & rads so wasn’t really prepared for chemo. My tumours were HER2+ & you can only have herceptin alongside chemo

Take care

Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

Thanks for posting your blog again for us to read. I find it quite emotional, I’ll confess, because in the early days I really thought I’d be with you on the chemo pathway - I had prepared myself for it. So it sort of grounds me. You are very brave to write so frankly about it all. It is a beautiful picture of you and you look lovely regardless of hair or not...it’s your beauty from the inside!! Enjoy your lunch today.

Jem it’s a wet Burgundy this morning but we desperately need rain! The vineyards are stunning and the wine very good, in fact the grape harvest has already begun...very early. I so understand how you need to feel control over things and i bet you look gorgeous in your wig. My way of keeping some control was to choose very carefully who I told; i didn’t want to be a subject of discussion particularly when I wasn’t there!!! Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I've got no excuse now, I’ve got some housework to do now it’s cooler!

Sending love and gentle hugs.

love Rosie xxx

[Jude1962]

Hi Jem

Thanks for reading - I may have misled you slightly re the wig wearing!
If I go out with friends or into an environment where I know people I will wear my wig, if I go for a walk or just nip to the shops I wear a bandana. In the house I’m bareheaded but if anyone comes to the door I slip a bandana on
I think it stems back to this fraud business & mentally I’ve got to accept what’s happening to me - it still feels very surreal at times. Seeing myself bald or wearing a bandana makes me think about it
Sorry if this is a bit deep!

Love Jude x

[JemPD]

Hi Jude

another insightful blog into this strange world we are currently living in- well done you. Beautiful picture of you. Interesting your thoughts on facing the reality re wig or not wig wearing.  For me I find wearing my wig when I leave the house 1) gives me confidence and 2) allows me to be me rather than  bc entering a room before me and face conversations I wouldn't chose to have. Somehow for me this is the way it gives the control back to me, this awful disease tries to take away so much of our control. But that is just me, a bit of a control freak really.  We are all different people and  there shouldn't be a route for us all to follow but somehow find our way through this crazy season in our lives.

Rosie- love Burgundy - have happy memories visiting prior to chin with my oh, drinking wine in the sunshine overlooking the vineyards 😀. Yes we will have happy memories from this holiday too. Spending time with oh and children has been great.

jem xx

[Jude1962]

My latest blog - apologies it’s a bit whingy x

https://dancingwithchemo.wordpress.com/2018/08/30/square-dance/

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

Think you are right & it is just the cumulative effect - by the end of next week I will have forgotten about it & will be ready to go again
I’m going out for lunch with a friend tomorrow which will be lovely & might try to do something next week as well

Take care

Jude x

[Jude1962]

Hi Jem

Sorry to hear you ended up in hospital with the last chemo but fantastic to know that you are nearly at the end!
Loads of luck & love for the last cycle, I really hope all goes well & the ses aren’t too grim
Presumably you’ll have a little break before the radiotherapy?

Take care

Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hi ladies

Just catching up with you all again.

Jude, it sounds like the cumulative effect of of chemo means it takes longer to recover each time. 😢 I guess you can cross another one off and are nearer to the end!!! However I hope you can enjoying doing something you enjoy before the next round in September. Very important. Stay strong...you can do it!!

Jem, it sounds like you’re having lots of fun in Somerset with your children and the weather has been beautiful this year in the Uk. You’ll have some happy memories even though you’re facing chemo. Nearly there though!!! You go girl!😉
We live in Burgundy in eastern France, not too far from Dijon. It’s a beautiful region and has been super warm this summer. I know the Dordogne and agree with you about the wonderful lifestyle, it’s very relaxed and family orientated. We are very happy living here.

 Elaine - I hope by now your infection is clearing up and you’re feeling ok. 😊

Do take care of yourselves, lovely ladies.

Love Rosie

xxx

[JemPD]

Morning ladies

Jude - pleased your through the se of this cycle- enjoy the time before your next cycle. 2 down 😀. 

Rosie - trip to London to see your daughter sounded lovely. Where in France are you? I'm really missing being in France this summer - we always spend time inFrance and loving the life, last year spent a month in the Dordogne- just beautiful. Due to horrid chemo am forced to holiday in UK. Although enjoying time in Somerset with my beautiful children it's just not France 😥. 

Elaine - more days ✅ off for you😀. I hope your infection has cleared up.

im enjoyingweek3 of chemo cycle 5. Se lasted 10 days with a day spent in hospital due to high temp thrown  in.  As mentioned we are away in the caravan enjoying the best of Somerset- lots of cycling and walking along coastal paths. Had breakfast on the beach made by the children on their trangier stoves😀. Back home on Sunday for pre chemo assessment and appt with oncologist Monday morning and appt with new oncologist re rads an hour later and then final chemo on Tuesday- That feels good to say 😀Not looking forward to horrid se but final one😀

Take care love Jem xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

Really pleased you had a good time with your daughter in London, I bet it made a lovely change but can imagine how tiring it was once you were back home. A lot of ladies have said post treatment that they tire a lot easier so it must go with the territory unfortunately 🙁
I think overall I’ve been better this time but it took me a good 8-9 days this time rather than 6-7 last time. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been very shaky inside & a little bit out of it but I’ve turned the corner now. Just need to regroup now & build up some resilience for the next cycle starting on the 10th

Take care

Love Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hello lovely ladies

I am just catching up with some of your posts after ongoing internet problems (still😡) and a wonderful weekend in London visiting my daughter. Had a wonderful time but came home exhausted making me realise that I’m still recovering from the whole bc treatment thing.

Jude I’m glad that after the initial few hours after your chemo, you are feeling better than the last time. I guess the body has to adjust to new medication and I expect you are getting the hang of coping with the se’s. Fatigue is the body’s way of telling you to rest and take it easy, I think.

Elaine I’m sorry to hear that you have an infection - that is really unfortunate although I’m pleased it’s not held up the radiotherapy. I know that once on the rads treatment, I counted each day in my diary and hated having so many bank holidays through May. Just wanted to get through it!!!

Wishing you both well with your treatments. Take care and make sure you look after yourselves.

sending hugs.

Love Rosie xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Elaine

That’s good news then other than your infection, at least it’s not slowing down the treatment
Hope the next 2 weeks go well & then you are fully on the way to recovery

Jude x

[Yorkshire Tyke]

Hi Ladies,

The radiotheraphy is going ok. I'm already 1/3rd of the way through.

In reality I spend more time getting to and from the appointment than the actual session itself.

Initially it was a bit odd. They have to align the dots with some grid lights in the roof so they spend as much time drawing on you with a pen and shuffling you into the correct position as actually treating you.

The couch itself has no padding (and I don't have much natural padding) so it not exactly comfy but your there 10 to 15 minutes max.

The downside for me is a bacterial infection in the area where I had surgery.

I'm on antibiotics to clear it and it's not held up the radiotheraphy.

E

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

Thank you

Actually on reflection I do think it has been better this time overall

The first 24hours were worse than last time but for the last couple of days I’ve been better than last time so I do think they have helped.

Just really tired...

Love Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Oh Jude

Sorry to hear that the medication isn’t working - that’s rubbish!

I hope they can get it right for you soon. Sending gentle hugs.

Take care and look after yourself. 

Love Rosie xxx

[Jude1962]

Hi Elaine

Just thought I’d check in and see how the radiotherapy is going?

Jude x

[Jude1962]

Update!

Unfortunately the drugs don’t work 🎶
Had dreadfulheartburn last night & a couple of bouts of sickness. Not been sick today 🤞but don’t feel too good, managed some toast & just had some soup.

Hopefully will improve tomorrow x

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie & Jem

Thanks for your messages 😀

Don’t feel quite as fuzzy as last time. They have changed my anti sickness & steroids meds + got a tablet for heartburn & a mouthwash so hopefully I won’t feel as bad. However now I’m starting to feel a bit yuck! Roll on next week!

I’m enjoying the blogs it’s really therapeutic & very positive response from friends & family.

I also love baking - not as bothered about cooking but have really got into baking in the last 18 months

Hope we all have a good nights sleep

Love judy x

[JemPD]

Hi Jude

Hope 2nd chemo has gone as well as it could go today- no complications. Now time to rest and ride the first week- lots of tlc needed.

big hugs xx

[Rosyposie]

Hi Jude

Yes internet has been hell this week and our problems are still not quite resolved either so I’m taking an opportunity to respond whilst I can.

I don’t think you were EVER a fraud and although it may have felt a bit that way in the beginning it was never the case. Your blog says everything and it’s lovely to read it - I hope you’ve had positive feedback from friends and family as well as us folk on the forum. 

I hope your treatment is going as well as can be expected and that you’re coping with the se’s.

Am feeling more positive today - spending some time cooking...always one of my relaxation interests!!!😊

Stay strong and take care.

Love Rosie xx

[Jude1962]

Hi Rosie

Days without the internet - sounds dreadful!
Pleased you enjoyed the blog, it is really helping me to accept what is happening treatment wise

And I have to say I don’t feel a fraud anymore - sadly 😔

Sorry to hear your friend upset you, I think that they do mean well but haven’t always tried to ‘walk a mile in your shoes’ obviously mentally rather than physically

Take care

Jude x

[Rosyposie]

Hello Lovlies

I’ve had a dodgy week with out internet, this last week😡...don’t ask! I’m just catching up with some posts realising how much I’ve missed reading about you all.

I hope you are all doing well and treatment is going well. Lovely to read your blog again Jude...glad you had a little treat with the bubbles, always good for the moral. 

Jem I hope you’re feeling less exhausted and taking a few moments for yourselves.

Felt a bit sad yesterday when a friend made a thoughtless comment which made me realise I still feel quite vulnerable even now.😢

Better for a little time on the forum though - still need you all.

sending love and positive thoughts.

Rosie xx