Is tomorrow the day?

[Gemmasusann]

Hi Avibaby

Wow 3 days ago you’re doing good, ha ha I didn’t wake up for 2 days, my body went into hibernation.

I agree the wait is awful and you prepare yourself mentally as well as you can for every outcome, I think if I had needed rads I would be dealing with it better than I was now as I kind of feel abandoned to just get over it.

Give yourself lots of love during this time, I didn’t and I didn’t really realise what I had gone through I think I went into denial so please don’t do that as I think that isn’t helping how I feel now

Let me know how you get on
Xx

[Gemmasusann]

Hi lilacmoon
You are right, this forum is amazing and is a huge help reassuring each other that these feelings are not unusual. I’m so glad I came back on to it even though I felt I had no right too. There is so much support here and I feel blessed to have sisters I can talk honestly too
Xx

[Avibaby]

Hello there,

My lumpectomy surgery was 3 days ago and it went well. My mind is already "been there/don that" and Imoving to the next phase which is playing the waiting game. 

Test results will come in a couple of weeks on my lymph nodes. Not happy to be in the waiting room again. I look up and see a "big C" cloud overhead, waiting for the right second to either pounce on me with a chemotherapy knock-out blow or allow me the less-awful temporary reprieve (rads only). 

Trying to plan for either option is just not happening in my brain. So I will try to give it a rest and hopefully some combat strategies will make themselves known.

Avibaby

[Lilacmoon14]

Gemmasusann, your feelings are exactly what i went through as well. Every single one.
You feel what you feel because of the decent person you are.
We get diagnosed with this awful thing and yet we feel guilty for being worried and stressed and taking up peoples time.
I've come to realise that each of us thinks we are on our own with our feelings but in actual fact we all pretty much feel the same and are all in it together.
Onwards with the next stage.
You've got this xxx

[mcnulcc]

Gemmasusann. So happy and relieved it was good news but totally understand the range of emotions you are going through. Like you when I got my results and was told that I didn't need chemo I felt so guilty about posting even though I still need radiotherapy and hormone drugs for the next 5 years. I think it is only natural that we get a case of Survivors guilt after all we have just spent weeks waiting for news and thinking the worst been cut up stitched back together and told not to worry!! This experience is like no other I can think of so please don't be hard on yourself. The physical scars will start to fade soon but I think everyone on here will agree that the mental scars are a different matter.. So go enjoy your weekend don't feel guilty get back out there and start living life to the full. Sending you big hugs Chris xx

[Gemmasusann]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s almost as if the thought everyone vocalises is well that’s it all over no harm done. And yes I know it’s a fabulous outcome and I’m a way I too am beating myself up for not feeling like everyone is saying I should . I am trying to be patient with myself and telling myself the surgery was only 3 weeks today I’m still full of stitches physically and maybe emotionally too.

I’m not one to wallow and feel sorry for myself but I think I need to give myself some love and heal both ways.

Thank you as well for not rejecting and dismissing my feelings of guilt and not qualifying to be back on here
Xx

[Appletree]

Dear Gemmasusann, please don't feel guilty; there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It's so natural to have a great whirlwind of emotions, you will only make it worse for yourself if you try to fight them. Just let yourself feel whatever you want to feel and let the storm pass.

Cancer is still cancer, whatever the treatments are that are recommended; however simple and however complex. It's a horrible disease which no-one wants to have. Having to have surgery is quite bad enough.

Look after yourself, give yourself some treats and take things day by day.

And if any well-meaning friends say highly unsuitable and unhelpful things to you, come in  here and have a rant.

[Gemmasusann]

Hi Chris
Thanks for checking up on me, in the past few days I’ve gone through a million thoughts. So the consultant said, that it was a tumour with very very slight cell mutations, he is confident the removed it all so no further treatment. This is great but I’m feeling a million things
1. Obviously happy and relieved
2. Guilt - about posting here now I have that news
3. Confusion and lost - about the news; what had happened if I hadn’t had a mammogram at 41,
4. Dumped that’s it all done after he just told me it was a tumour
4. Sick when I still see the wound and stitches

I know this isn’t rational and need to be swinging from the chandeliers, I’m guessing this is emotional healing and adrenaline leaving after living in a fight state for the past 6 weeks?

Xx

[mcnulcc]

Gemmasusann hope your OK haven't seen any posts from you and just wanted to check you are getting the support you need at the moment. Remember people on here thinking of you. Sending hugs x Chris

[mcnulcc]

Gemmasusann. Fingers crossed for you today. Deep breaths and positive thoughts. Such a pain you have to wait till so late in the day for your appointment please let me know how you get on. Sending hugs and best wishes. Chris x

[Gemmasusann]

Mcnulcc he he I think I’m lucky in the fact my incision is away from the wires and is around the areole, the sleep bra gave amazing support as without it was in agony (joy of big boobs small frame and then made bigger by swelling 🤷🏻‍♀️)
Not in prettylacy bra yet but a tshirt bra still feels like a massive victory. Woohoo 🙌🏻

Good luck for next week, and yes a pretty matching set, there’s something that feel amazingly good about wearing a nice matching set makes me feel so good.

Will feel a real plank if I come on here tomorrow evening really upset because didn’t get results and that it was only a check up 🤦🏻‍♀️ To be honest right now that would be the worst news as anything else yeah I can handle (she says during her brave kick butt 5 minutes)
X

[mcnulcc]

GEMMASUSANN Wow at you getting back into a grown up bra so quickly think it took me about 5 weeks before I was brave enough to do that. However that said it is quite empowering to be able to look a bit more together as it where. Starting my Rads next week so I think the crop top bras will be making a come back shortly. Once this is all finished I am going to treat myself to some nice new underwear even if I am now somewhat wonky on the right hand side. Fingers crossed for tomorrow let me know how you get on. Xx

[Gemmasusann]

Thanks Chris, today has been the longest day and this time tomorrow I still won’t have even left for the appointment.

Part of me is sure it’s a healing check so I’d feel awful taking someone with me for that. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow, I think Thursday will not only be the hottest day of the year but also the longest one for me.

In other news today I wore for the first time in 2 weeks what I now call a grown up bra rather than the sleep bras I’ve been wearing wooohooo small victories and it makes me feel more me, although sleep one will go back on at bed time

[mcnulcc]

GEMMASUSANN Probably one of the most stressful days in this journey hoping for good news thinking the worst and driving yourself mad with worry everyone on here can relate to how you are feeling . If you can get someone to go with you I really think you should. Even if it's the best possible outcome your mind will go blank if it's a case of more treatment you need an extra pair of ears as your brain simply does not take everything in. I have everything crossed for you that it's good news. No matter what happens you know you will have plenty of support on here. Sending lots of hugs xx Chris

[Gemmasusann]

So Thursday is tomorrow 😱 the day I see my consultant forlliwing the WLE. I was told 3 weeks for results but tomorrow is 2 weeks.
Is tomorrow a healing check up or is it the day I find out my journey has finished or that I still have further to go.

I’m calm about whatever he says unless it’s just a check up as then I’ll be mad as it’s back on the waiting treadmill.

My mum is beside herself as she can’t come with me (I didn’t ask her too) as her and Dad are off in a day trip they have booked. I have told her it’s ok it’s just a check up, that’s what I’ve told my friends too, but I think it will be early results.

Appointment is not until 6:45 as Thursday is his surgery day (as I know only too well) so really another 2 whole days but 1 more sleep

I’m distracted today and finding it hard to work

Xx