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So that's that, then o.O

7 REPLIES 7
bookish
Member

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Thank you both, Bernard and Evie.

I think it's sinking in that I have to be nicer to myself for a goodly while longer. No bad thing! Thank you for the reminder about how much the GA will have hit me - there's something about being sent home from hospital, you tend to think you're 'fixed', but of course there's a lot still to recover from over and above the obvious.

Ironically, the girls are looking and feeling lot 'better' today, but with the added 'hmm' that they're just a bit more swollen - something to keep an eye on.

Gelbel - so glad to hear you're sleeping okay! I struggled *so* much after the last op, and like you, finding it okay-ish on my back now, which is such a relief. 

Evie-S
Community Champion

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Gelbel - good to hear that you are so well, and especially sleeping so well. That helps soooo much doesn’t it. Enjoy your first trip out, that’s a lovely and essential reason to shop for your special friend. Evie xx

Gelbel
Member

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Thanks for asking Evie.

I'm good thank you - can't believe how well I am sleeping. For someone so paranoid about sleeping on my back. Don't think I'll EVER retire my V pillow. 💤

I'm getting a few shooting twinges across my wound and down my arm. Odd thing is my foot's getting in on the act too - I had complications with my hip replacement. 😯

Going to have my first trip out later - fine wine and a new house card is essential shopping for a good friend who's been extra supportive. 

Evie-S
Community Champion

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Hi bookish - I’m also here with tea and cake, and to listen. After I had my mastectomy and implant I felt unbelievably down and sad, and found out that general anaesthetic can do that to you. So some of what you are feeling may well be down to the GA. Of course, you can’t put it all down to the GA and you need to give yourself time to recover mentally as well as physically, to try to get your head round what the heck just happened. I had some counselling after the end of treatment as I struggled with coming to terms with things - so I don’t know if you could speak to anyone virtually at the moment, or if not then we on here can chat with you and try to help.

Gelbel and Bernard have already sent lovely messages - Gelbel, how are you doing?

Also sending strength and hugs (and cake), Evie xx

Bernard_BCN
Community Manager

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Hi bookish

Sending you all the tea and nibbles and sympathy and support at this challenging time. 🍵🍰 I can't find any biscuit emoji, so hope the tea and cake emoji will do for now! 🙂

Please remember our support is here if you ever need to chat to one of our breast care nurses. You can reach us on freephone 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm) - or in writing if you prefer: https://breastcancernow.org/information-support/support-you/email-our-nurses

We're thinking of you

Bernard x

bookish
Member

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Thank you so much Gelbel. Gallons of tea (milk, no sugar), and aaaalll the cake, yes please! 🙂

I've slept for almost 12 hours, and really needed it. I'm still a bit in shock at everything, I guess, but at least this side of the morning I can remind myself that *of course* everything looks all bruised and eeek a week after surgery. This point last time I couldn't see anything for dressings, so...!

I suppose I have the rest of my days to get used to the new 'girls'. And to be grateful for the positives, not dwelling on the less-than-perfect.

xx

Gelbel
Member

Re: So that's that, then o.O

Hi Bookish

Here's buckets of tea and lots of sympathy and a (left) shoulder to cry on. I can't imagine what you're going through as we are all different - and I'm one Mx and two days behind you.

What I can say is: you've had a massive op. Really, it's 4 huge ones. Hello - all the drugs/meds involved with that is enough to set anyone off. Add in the 4 types of ops you had - enough to make any sane person question the life, universe  and everything. And you said you are on your own at the moment. 

Except you're not. So let it all out, say/think what you want, when you want. And one day/hour/minute soon you'll be in a better place.

I don't to say I'll be the same because this is your thread with your worries. What I will say is that any journey has dips in the road - some bigger than others, some we didn't even see, whatever they are, we get there in the end.

How do your like your tea? Biscuit or two? Bit of cake?

Hug.

Gel x

bookish
Member

So that's that, then o.O

I feel a bit bad having the opposite wobble to everyone facing cancelled ops - my heart goes out to you all, it really does. To be honest, I was waiting for exactly the same call, but it seems I was 'lucky' and squeezed in just in time. Had my surgery - bilateral mastectomy with immediate implant reconstruction - on Wednesday morning. Freaky how little I remember of the day. Was sent home on Sunday. On my own for the first time since then, and I think it's all just hitting me in one enormous 'eeeeep'!

I had a reduction a few months back in prep, and I think I was so terrified of that that the reality was so much better than feared. This time I think I went in a little more blase - what's one more op?! Last stage, so good to get it all over with! - and not sure I was mentally prepared enough, so it feels so much harder on the other side this time. Maybe it's just the 'actually done' thought, and facing the reality of that?

I'm quite shocked at how 'lumpy' the boobs are now, I just sort of assumed that a smooth/round implant would be, well, smoother and rounder. I'm weirded out to heck at the way I can feel/see the implant and the ripples and the liquidness. They did say it was 6 weeks minimum to settle, so logically I'm fine and will give it time, but it doesn't quite hit the emotional 'what have I done to myself?' feel.

It seems odd to say, especially after almost a full year of discussion and debate and decisions, but the thought this morning - 'I've had a mastectomy' - was like being kicked in the gut.

I do feel like this is the low point, so posting here for some tea and sympathy please, even while I know that that would mean the only way now is up. And I'm sure that a month, two, six down the line I will be extremely grateful (again) that I had the opportunity to go the route I have, even as right now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have just called it quits and gone flat back in April, saved myself two ops and a lot of pain and stress and all that.

It took *such* a lot to accept that such an extreme risk-reducing measure was not absolutely insane to contemplate, just feeling utterly in shock that it's finally actually, really and truly and rather permanently happened. I was so looking forward to the feeling that 'it' was all finally over, it's an exhausting shock to be feeling like a lot has only just begun.

(and the long, ugly cry that I thought would help (a) hurt as my chest moved, and (b) left me utterly panicked for a moment as I just completely couldn't breath. Argh!! I'm okay. I'm okay!)