Thanks for the honest response - I think if nothing else, the one thing that is important is being honest - my friends know when I am not good!
My dressings came off yesterday and another hurdle achieved and I finally got to see my 90 year old mum (3rd time only since March due to Covid!).
You are right - I tell others bitterness and jealousy are not good (but we are all good at talking the talk) but like with everything else on our cancer journey, it's new emotions/feelings we experience.
It's just knowing what is best to deal with the emotions - I do reach out if I need to and fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) I have a few very close friends who have been through the breast cancer journey so we talk but of course everyone's journey is different and everyone handles situations differently.
Covid has made a tough journey even tougher and I have to admit, I am leaning on support etc. there is out there but of course online is never quite the same - nothing like f2f or a hug.
I will get there and hope that you are well on your journey too.
First, a huge well done on getting through to the other side. But it’s not the end yet, as you are discovering.
Although I haven’t experienced it, it sounds like a normal and ‘healthy’ response to all the blows you’ve taken in the past year. Add the enforced confinement (and possibly fear) and it’s a bit like a pressure cooker building up from diagnosis onwards. At some time it has to come out. I’ve never been one for ‘doing anger’ and tend to bottle things up or let them drift away but if you can find safe outlets, why not let it out? I remember reading once about the value of beating up cushions when no one is around - you don’t have to take it out on people. The fact is, anger is a normal emotion. As for jealousy, well, there’s just no value in it. You can’t change how things are, you can’t blame anyone and you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy (?) so I’m going to be really annoying here and suggest that you try meditation, mindfulness, running or whatever relaxes you or seek some professional help. Your breast care nurse would be a good starting point. Although the Macmillan and other free services for patients and families are not yet up and running again, there will be telephone or video counselling sessions where you can talk through the powerful feelings you have (that are better out than in but often don’t feel right). Ask the radiotherapy staff what’s currently available. I am aware of a low level of anger in myself but I do have a therapist so I’m able to talk about it online. It’s a bit daft talking about feeling angry at some vague unseen cells but better than blaming my body or my family, which are the only other places I could dump the blame.
I hope you do manage to come to terms with it. Talking to friends, which is just about becoming possible, isn’t helpful in my experience because, unless they have been through it, they have little real understanding. Even if they have been through it, their experience may well have been very different. They can empathise but not advise. Maybe you could start by ringing the the nurses at the number above, who are incredibly understanding and will point you in the best direction. Meantime, don't feel bad about it - it seems normal.
All the best, Jan xx
I have finished chemo, had surgery and last stage is radiotherapy.
All is going well but I am finding myself increasingly restless, angry and jealous with and at others especially in the current Covid climate.
Has anyone else experienced this?