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Looking for understanding????

49 REPLIES 49
Chick1
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello I can do this,

 

Unfortunately I fell asleep early evening (due to dopey pain killers) and am now wide awake so just seen your post.

 

It must be so difficult having Lupus on top of everything else.  You have done so well with the chemo and the serious side effects that you have endured.  I hope the Letrozole is kind to  you and you do not get bogged down with any major side effects.  That's good you are sorting out the radiotherapy and looking to the future.  I think you have a lovely attitude.

 

I am still hobbling with a walking stick and feeling like a drug addict at the mo but on the bright side, I actually managed to see a physio yesterday.  Don't know how much this is going to help now as the situation became more severe the past few weeks - just going to have to suck it up for now, so to speak.

 

All the best, Chick X

 

 

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello folks,

Pleased to report despite a busy week with two hospital appointments feel as if I have a glimpse of normality. Rightly or wrongly since removal of Groshong line followed by removal of implant and decision to stop at chemo four at the moment feel able to go forward with radiotherapy.

I saw the Breast Surgeon on Wednesday, New wound healing well .The plan is to see him again as original arranged in November in the hope that radiotherapy will be completed and we can then discuss the way forward...possibly tissue reconstruction. I just hope I will be both physically and emotionally able to dealwith this.

Thursday I met with oncologist who has started me on Letrezole and I've signed radiotherapy consent form. I should be contacted within next 4-5days to arrange CT planning scan then be given schedule for 15 sessions. 

I am trying to take each day as it comes although having autoimmune disease including, lupus I  am concerned about the side effects on my energy levels and joints but will try to remain positive.

Well folks tried to sleep earlier with no success so will give it another go.

Take care ladies.

I can do this.

 

 

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Sounds like the three of us have had more than our "fair" share of prolonged brown stuff. Hope things soon improve for all us. Keep kicking BC in the delicate male bits, girls.
Keep letting us know how you're doing.

Lots of love xxxxxxx
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello Delly, Chick &all you other lovely people,

My Mum always believed we would never be tested beyond our means ! Throughout life I have on occasions felt rather near the edge but have managed to survive and guess this is just one more situation to be faced with. 

Over the past couple of weeks it's the vulnerability that feels overwhelming and I ask myself when will,some sort of normality return..if I ever had any!!

However having this site where others truly appreciate the angst makes such a difference....

THANK YOU,

I can do this.

Chick1
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello I can do this, 

 

Good to hear from you yet sorry to hear about all the 💩 you have been through and are going through.  It can be such a challenging journey when things don't go to plan and unexpected spanners get thrown into the works so to speak. 

 

I usually say that when one door closes another one then slams in my face.  But despite all the obstacles,  still managing  and trying to remain somewhat positive and just try and deal with things as they arise.  And I get the impression that you are doing similar.  I hope you get the support you want and need. 

 

So glad to hear that your daughter came to visit and that things can hopefully move on in a constructive fashion for both of you. 

 

All the best to you 🐣 chick X

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Blimey I can do this - That all sounds horrendous and I'm sooo sorry to hear and read. You poor darlin'. Hope that's the end of any complictions for you, and you're now onwards and upwards. Such a shame on your implant removal too, but hope maybe it can be replaced with another again, once everything's settled. Or another alternative can be proferred. Any chance you could get away for a well earned relaxing break, once things have settled again. Preferably with some good jolly company.

I quite understand why you've held off posting, but I'm glad you have now. Thanks for the update. Take good care.

Lots of love and a huge hug

Delly xxxxxx

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Good Morning Delly ,

Good to hear from you ! Apologies for silence.....I have nipped in &out of site but haven't posted for various reasons which will become apparent. Hopefully on the up again.....I was concerned that my update may add to the anxiety of others ! I hope it doesn't and feel it may in fact reach someone like myself who meets a few hurdles along the way. 

My oncologist is on holiday....I see him on Thursday but he was kind enough to write the day after murals consultation to say there was no sign of seconds died on the CT scan so that was a huge relief. 

It was planned that I should proceed to complete  last 2 cycles of FEC having had 4resulting in 2episodes of neutropoenic sepsis as well bbc as quite a severe episode of campylobactor. 

Unfortunately this did not go to plan 2weeks ago today I woke up feeling extremely unwell and could quite understand,as I was in fact  5 weeks after last chemo....I had been for line care (Groshong for administration of chemo as veins left arm completely out of action!) .It was thought I had developed a reaction to the opsite dressing so this was changed to reader's but in fact the redness/ discomfort really didn't settle. Check my temperature 38....wow looked at line to be shocked to find red new tracking to right breast area. I've never had any issues since clearance mastectomy in March despite breast, surgeons concern about healing because of my serious dependency for auto immune disease. I had immediate reconstruction with silicone implant....only option since radiotherapy required. To cut,an already lengthy story short....ish ended up ?line thought to be source of infection therefore removed.Thankfully not neutropoenic but despite IV antibiotics no sign of infection diminishing transferred from Emergency Care Unit to Breast unit becoming more unwell to eventually have surgery to remove implant !!!! Releived to be pain free but 2days after realising goal posts have moved considerably and still not really got my head round situation. Wound healing well considering the mess and all sorts of possibilities offered by plastic surgeon post radiotherapy. 

I saw my original psychotherapist on Thursday but having had a couple of meltdowns whilst in hospital & long discussion with Breast Reconstruction Nurse transferring to Breast Unit psychologist really feel I need someone who understands and feel there were people politics at outreach ontology unit because of staffing issues,as well as the fact I was slightly more challenging than they had encountered both medically and emotionally .

I do hope this makes some sort of sense.....it's very me.....rather a ramble!

Thankfully my daughter has visited once in hospital then once at home.....things feel as if they will heal with her but I still experience churning in my stomach regarding our relationship....trying hard to put what has happened in the last to rest and start a fresh.

Still believe despite wobbles I can do this but accept the road might be rough at times.

Take care everyone out there.

I can do this.

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Girls
Just checking in with you.
How you doing Icandothis?Hope you're well How did your CT scan go, and are you still having psychology sessions?? Any improvement with your daughter?

Much love to everyone xxxxxx
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Morning Ann,

Thank you, the support on this forum has been a great source of strength. 

Hope you are doing well?

I am so looking forward to the time when I can visit the Maggie's Centre in Newcastle and hopefully find ways of building a future after this rather than day to day survival. 

Must be patient !!!! Easier said than done .

 

Take care

I can do this x

ann-m
Community Champion

Re: Looking for understanding????

You can & are doing this & good to hear about the psychologist’s support. Your recovery & wellbeing comes first & family can catch up later.
ann x
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Morning Apple tree,

Thank you for your on going support and encouragement. Hope life is treating you well.

I can do this x

Appletree
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

My heart goes out to you, 'I can do this'. You are doing splendidly, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

 

Keep focusing on You and You will get there.

 

<hug>

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi I can do this,
I echo Chris' (mcnulcc) message - yes you are doing brilliantly. Keep kicking it in the delicate regions (male ones!!) and keep ranting, screaming all you like, flower.
I too have my fingers crossed for your CT scan results.
Much love to you and everyone else.
Dellywelly xxxxxx
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Tks,
Chemo brain in gear & for the life of me cannot get my head round how I post a general message ! Difficult week to describe but each day one closer to seeing oncologist to review where I am having had two admissions with neutropoena. Oncologist nurse concerned about effect on my long term autoimmune disease.Had appointment yesterday at local unit for line care and took the opportunity to discuss concerns from recent admission....feel I was heard and given reassurance to keep me going until next week. True to her word I have received a phone call arranging a C.T. scan to confirm or exclude metastatic lung disease following suspect area which is new from previous x Ray in June. What will be Will be....felt uplifted by a quote I read on a blog here earlier....
She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way she adjusted her sail.
I also had session with psychologist which I feel is helped by decision to have 1:1 time working on coping strategies r a other than family session. My resilience & confidence are at an all time low, many tears being she'd but can see a way out if I focus on me !.
Conversation drying up but sending thoughts to each & everyone of you out there.
I can do this x
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Thanks Chris, 

Support and understanding always appreciated. 

Sending you hugs &love in return xx

mcnulcc
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

I can do this. You are doing brilliantly keep up the fight l know its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel but you will get there. Sending hugs and best wishes. Chris xx
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Thanks Appletree. x
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Chick 1

 

Thanks.

Appletree
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Keep going, I Can Do This, you're made of tough stuff, even if it doesn't always feel like that.

 

Rant away as much as you like.

 

Fingers crossed for the results of the CT scan.

 

Very best wishes

 

Appletree

Chick1
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello I Can do This,

 

Flipping heck!!  You rant away whenever you need.

 

Sorry to hear you have not been well.  Glad you have recovered from the neutropenia and have returned home.  Hope the tummy feels more comfy soon.  Yes it would be better if they had told you directly about the reason for lung investigation.  Fingers crossed that the lung changes are not metastatic spread.  At least the changes have been picked up now, the relevant tests can be done  and action can be taken if it is needed.

 

It is disappointing when chemo is delayed.  My number 5 and herceptin  was also delayed ( because of side effects from the bleeding GCSF injection after No 4. I point blank refused it for 5 and 6).  It is frustrating when you just want to stick to a plan of action and just get on with it. 

 

Hope you have something that you enjoy planned so that you can relax a little and take your mind to a restful place.

 

Best wishes x

 

 

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello friends,

Apologies for absence from the forum for a few days...I have just returned home after being in hospital with neutropeonia as well as a horrendous tummy bug. White blood cells back to normal but tummy still feels dodgy. Disappointed that chemo 5 will have to be delayed.

Trying not to stress but chest x ray has shown small ill defined modular changes since last chest x Ray on 13th June medical staff told me there were anomalies which would require me to have CT scan but it would have been better to hear face to face that they want to confirm or exclude recent left basal metastatic lung disease rather than read it on discharge letter handed to me without an envelope ! Hey ho I was initial flippant when they said anomalies saying whatever it is is there and other then take scissors sand cut it out of x Ray there is nothing I can do about something already there. What's to be Will be my friends beware there might be a few more rants in the cards. 

Have missed reading your posts forgot to take kindle on Friday when I was very under the weather.

Oh and to top it all txt from daughter but no phone call or visit. Have to learn not to set myself up for disappointment.

Thinking of you all. 

I can do this 😊

Appletree
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Dear "I can do this", you are certainly living up to your new name; keep going!

 

It sounds as though your daughter is, sadly, rather immature for her age (and 20 is young), and is finding it very difficult to accept her responsibility for you. Perhaps she's taken it for granted for too long that you, as Mum, are her rock and there to do things for her and look after her. She can't accept that her relationship with you has changed and your focus now has to be on looking after yourself and putting yourself first; she is now responsible for herself. She needs to be helped to see that if you are going to be able to support her in the future, you need her support now. After all, that is the nature of an adult relationship of any sort; mutual understanding and support.

 

Keep going with the psychologist. It's excellent you are now taking the lead in your sessions; it will be easier for her to help you. If your daughter will accept some individual support, that could be so helpful.

 

I don't know whether you've seen the Macmillan Cancer Support booklet, 'Coping with Fatigue - a practical guide to living with and after cancer'. It's pretty comprehensive and includes a section on 'Looking after someone who has fatigue'. Perhaps leaving this and other informative booklets in a prominent place in your home might help to get it through to your daughter that you have serious problems to be addressed.

 

As long as you keep up your honest and confident assertiveness, your psychologist will be able to help you, and your daughter will, eventually, see it's in her own interests to accept your illness and give you support rather than fighting you. After all, if she starts looking after you, she will automatically be receiving attention herself!

 

You can do this.

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Corr "I can do this" - Loving your new name. Fandabidozeeee.

 

As I mentioned before, it might be an idea to also order any of the booklets addressed to  "Carers of"  to actually give to your daughter, and hope they may gently hit home?!

 

Good luck with it, me dear. Am keen to hear of yourself and future daughter results. I'm so sorry your having such a tough time with your chemo. But good to hear you kicked a*** with your psychologist. Sounds a great idea for her to also see your daughter, if she agrees to.

Keep looking after yourself. 

 

Loadsa love to you and everyone on here

Doolally xxxxxx 

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello folks,

Since treatment 4 two weeks ago felt quite nauseous & really fatigued which has taken me a considerable time to find some sort of normality from.

This was all topped by disappointment from my daughter's behaviour and since the weekend felt quite distressed by her on going behaviour & feeling rejected so much so that I was unable to post but hung onto my new name knowing that I was seeing the psychologist today. I must admit I was apprehensive as she had very much sat in the fence regarding our situation. The appointment was in fact very positive possibly because I was completely honest and said I had felt at breaking point and desperately need some positive strategies to move me forward as to date I had felt no benefit. She took this on board and I am seeing her next week straight,after chemo. She may explore individual support for my daughter should she wish to take it up. I have learnt the hard way that I have to look after my own physical & emotional well being. 

Apple tree I have ordered the publication you quoted from as well as a couple of others....Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

Chuck 1 hope you are doing o.k. I also appreciate your on going contact.

Hope this thread continues to help all you other ladies on this challenging journey. 

Take care everyone 😊 x

Chick1
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello I Can Do This,

Like the new name - very fitting. How are things going for you treatment wise? How are things with your daughter? Hope you have managed to resolve some issues at least. Best Wishes, X
mcnulcc
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Very good advice there. I am waiting to start radiotherapy the week after next but already feel that I have changed since diagnosed. I have started to say no on so many fronts and am putting me first. It really is quite liberating
Appletree
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Brilliant, 'I can do this', you are now managing your own situation.

 

I have been reading the Breast Cancer Care booklet, 'Breast cancer and you: coping with diagnosis, treatment and the future.'

 

Here is a quote from a patient contributing to the section, 'What next?'

 

"I appreciate life a whole lot more and appreciate those who are important to me. I live more in the moment and try not to worry about things I can't change. The flip side is that I have very little time or tolerance for people who annoy me - I am probably a lot more blunt and to the point than I might have been before."

 

And here's another.

 

"I am a bit more likely to take a chance on something and live life to the fullest. There's an Irisih saying, "you're a long time dead," which has become a well-used phrase."

 

And another.

 

"I feel that life is too short to sweat the small stuff. I worry less about pleasing other people and focus more on what I want to get out of life."

 

Some great wisdom there.

 

Onwards and upwards.

 

 

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Chick 1, 

Thank you....change of Mindset all Dow to fantastic on going support of this forum. 

Hope life is manageable for you.

😊 xx

Chick1
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello positive person (aka, but not for long - notbrave)

 

WOW - don't you sound positively different on your last Post - Good For You.  I may be wrong but in order to change your user name you will need to email  the forum moderators on  moderator@breastcancercare.org.uk

 

Sorry if info turns out incorrect but I also just wanted to wish you the best with your treatment and everything else.  Take good care of yourself. x

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Can someone tell me how to change my username in here please. 

Thank you in anticipation.

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Delly,

Good to hear from you again. 

How are you doing?

Despite this being a challenging week after chemo 4 last Thursday the support and encouragement/ advice I have received on here has really helped me to put things in perspective and look at the emotional turmoil I found myself in from a different angle. It is definitely time to stop pressing the self destruct button and deal with the hear and now for my own self preservation. 

Reading around the many threads on here makes you aware of the many dilemmas being faced on this journey. At the minute I will concentrate on my own physical and emotional well being and in building my strength hopefully face any on going or further dilemmas positively. 

Wishing everybody in here strength to face each new day. I will continue to depend on you all and keep you posted quite possibly through a few more ramblings along the way. 

Take care and be kind to yourselves.

No longer not brave.....I can do this 😊💟

 

 

 

 

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi again Ambeingverybrave (please change your name to, flower!!)

 

Yes, she IS putting herself first. Yes, she has been through her own struggles recently, relationship wise, and moving abodes. And let's face it NB, had you a loving, caring, supportive husband or partner by your side, you probably wouldn't be griping so much about your daughter's current lack or inability of support. You wouldn't feel the need to so much? But you don't have (that right?). But, even if you HAD, I'm sure you would still be feeling somewhat indignant at her lack of support, her being your own Daughter. I would.

Thankfully, you have some very caring, supportive friends?? Without which, what or where would you be?, because she isn't being very supportive.

But, partner or not - she IS your daughter. She's also in a "caring"? profession!! Rehabilitation of what sort of patients? She sounds very ignorant about BC and treatments,and somewhat UNcaring towards you, so needs to be better educated - BCC and Macmillans leaflets?

Is it that she just can't cope with it, your illness on top of everything else she has going on? Is therefore wanting to put her head in the sand, because she can't cope? If it's down to lack of time - learning to apportion it, so all needs can be covered and satisfied. What I had to do that time following Dads stroke. Be there to help Mum, sort out some staff, and so a solution to be able to return back to my exams, still be support at the end of the phone and back at weekends.

What or how would you want her to be? Or be doing differently to help, than she is?? Write it down. Then, if and when you meet, or speak on the phone, it can then be discussed - "Negotiated". That's the word! To then hopefully reach a "Compromise" -That's the other word.  In other words, you amicably, maturely come to an arrangement that suits and serves you both. Until you're in a better, and stronger position health wise again NB.

 

I don't think "control, authority" comes into it. She doesn't sound mature enough to think that way. I would be tempted to stop contacting her, go silent. And when/if she does contact, perhaps be unavailable to answer for a while. See what happens. When you do eventually answer, tell her how much her attitude has upset you, hence you've been silent. That you need to discuss this all with her, and that you're not prepared to speak to her unless you can have a calm, mature discussion, where she listens to your needs ref your health, and you to her needs ref her life, and you can both reach a compromise/arrangement. Tell her, now she's an adult and you've a serious health problem, she needs to realise support needs to be more of a two way thing. You really need and would appreciate some from her, until you're better. Rather than just you support her.

 

Sorry I've gone on again xxxxxx   

 

No one (consultants for goodness sake!) would advise chemo if it wasn't felt necessary. Are you saying you were given an "option"  to have or not?? If so, I'm sure you wouldn't have had it if you hadn't thought it necessary and a benefit.

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello Apple tree,

Thank you for your support and response. Too I have put in a nutshell exactly my thoughts when they are rational ! Now I need to put these thoughts into practice!! If I can deal with BC I can do this.

I trust you and yours are coping with life? 

Not Brave 😊

Appletree
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Dear Not  brave, please stop undermining yourself. You are being extremely brave and unfortunately your daughter isn't.

 

From reading the whole thread, these are my own observations.

 

• Your body, your cancer and your treaments all belong to you and not your daugher.

 

• All decisions about your treatments and how you cope with them are yours to make and not your daughter's.

 

• She is a very young 20 year old and perhaps needs some time to come to terms with the reality that, on this occasion, in these circumstances, you come first and she doesn't. It's clear she's still putting herself first and seems unable to look at your illness from your perspective.

 

• By trying to win your daughter round, and by getting friends of yours to speak to her, you are giving her an icreasing amount of power over you, which clearly she doesn't know how to use sensibly. This is very sad, but is her problem and not yours, and is an indication of her immaturity. She needs to learn how to take responsibility for herself as an adult, and how to be a supportive friend to you rather than trying to own or manage you.

 

• Very understandably you want to heal the rift between the two of you, but you might have more sucess if you concentrate on all your friends who are being supportive, and let your daughter do her own thing, without trying to win her round. You could try being firmly assertive with her, by indicating that you have made an informed decision about the treatments you have accepted, that it's a very difficult path for you to travel, but you have to do it. You would value her support, but you do not find further argument helpful.

 

Essentially, rather than trying to gain your daughter's approval and support (giving her continued authority over you), you make it clear to her that you have made your own informed decisions about your own body and your health, and whilst you value her views, ultimately you have to decide and act for yourself. Then you let her get on with being the person she is, and leave her to decide when she's going to contact you again.

 

Put yourself first and make the most of all those friends who are supporting you.

 

 

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Good Morning Delly,

Any suggestions yourself or my other friends have are worth considering. Sadly these days I feel anxious about contact with my daughter wondering what the outcome will be. At the moment I'm not sure any suggestions I would make to her would be looked on favourably....she does not recognize that she has a problem, in her eyes the issue is me ! I accept we all have different coping strategies and deal with things differently. My two closest friends who are aware of the situation have considered trying to approach the subject but are both concerned it may add fuel to the fire. I know my daughter has discussed things with her colleagues at work.....she works as a health care assistant at a rehabilitation unit....I cannot make her understand rehabilitation is completely different from cancer .She now sees me as not having cancer since having had mastectomy and felt adjuvant chemotherapy was an unnecessary journey making myself ill with very little risk! She voiced this to the oncologist....if I had been told I did not warrant chemo I would have had to walk away &move forward but to be offered an insurance policy I wanted to take up that opportunity. Her view is,I am not I'll it is the treatment which yes is the case but would be helped if I thought she was supportive/ compassionate. She seems to base her knowledge / understanding on her colleagues experiences (a couple of them have had bc.) Rightly or wrongly I find myself at the stage of looking for my support elsewhere to try to build some cooing strategies. It is difficult not to feel each day is a struggle getting enough fluid on board and feeling a glimpse of normality in the hope that each new day is,a day nearer normality.....whatever that may be?? When I started th his reply Delly I intended to work systematically through your reply but as,you will have,read I have gone completely off on a ramble. No doubt you will make some sense of it and bounce back some reason to see me through this journey . Again with much appreciation for your understanding. 

Not brave 💟 xx

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi again Notbrave, but you are. VERY! Heart

Anyone faced with dealing and coping with the vagaries of this gawb awful disease is. I've been thinking about you today, and what I said in my post. It wasn't a very good suggestion to maybe have a meal out to have a conversation -  think it needs to be somewhere none public and comfortable for you both.

It sounds to be such early days for you yet, so you yourself still have much to deal with come to terms with. Both in the treatment sense and it's effects on you physically. Plus the psychological impact of it on yourself/person.

What do you mean by "she pushes me to the limits"? Thinks you should still be able to do what you did and be as you were before your BC? and not realising the effects the chemo and all of it has on you? "Fragile" and no doubt pretty weak and washed out.

Is it that she's trying to be "encouraging", to gee you up, but actually ignorant to the effects of the treatment, so is being too hard a taskmaster, when you actually need some gentle and tender caring, looking after?

I'm glad she was at yours at your initial diagnosis to support. Has she attended any of your chemo sessions with you? Seen how other people are also affected by it, maybe spoken to them. Read about it.

I note Ann saying "anger and in denial". Yes, Mum is often the "strong" one, the one "giving" help and support. I can remember the exact time, from having always been a supported daughter, the role being suddenly reversed to main supporter to my parents, after my Dad had a serious stroke, when I was in my early 20's. Unmarried and just going through my final degree exams, with a brother who was pretty useless and selfish. Hugely upsetting, difficult and stressful for my Mum, left to cope with running a guesthouse on her own. I just had to rise to it and rally with Mum, until we'd sorted her some reliable staff to help out and I could get back to study and exams. But it was a huge shock, that sudden shift in roles. Made me quickly "grow up". Plus - it's never ever a convenient time to get BC, a stroke or whatever other major health scare. It's the biggest bl**dy INconvenience and scare to you, Nonbrave, and to anyone else in your family and life. And - it isn't like some cold you'll quickly get over. BC is massive,  major,  a huge shock to you, let alone her. 

You will get through it, recover physically. It may be gradually and slowly, take quite a while to get your strength back, as chemo knocks your whole body for six. You need to be gentle with and good to yourself, not expect too much too soon. But it is that much easier the more support you have and they need to be the same with you - gentle, encouraging and supportive. Be that your daughter, other family, and friends. Better for you and in speeding up your recovery if she "joins forces" with you, so to speak. Realises and accepts that you "need" some help, just until your more back on your feet. Whatever time and herself she has available to offer, give you, without feeling pressured, if that's what she is feeling.

Don't be surprised if the mental impact on you takes a lot longer. Took me a few years for it to stop being an annoying, upsetting niggle at the forefront of my mind and stop worrying about secondaries and the "what ifs". 

I must apologise to both Ann and Dawn, I hadn't read your posts very thoroughly girls, because I also think Dawns suggestion of "speaking to someone a little distant" is an excellent one. We can often speak more openly to and listen to, without the highly emotional or hurt connection speaking directly to each other may emote or provoke to you both. A good friend of yours? who's very aware of how and what you're feeling and going through with BC, and what you're also feeling daughter wise, obviously.

I'd also wondered whether it would be of some benefit for her to read this thread?? Because it's very heartfelt and revealing!! As long as she didn't think you were tittle-tattling behing her back. After all, you posted here because you are genuinely struggling and needed someone to talk or rant to, some help, suggestions and were, as the title says, "Looking for Understanding" about. (This Forum's a godsend for)  

I'm sooo glad you have some good friends to help and support you. Plus seeing a psychologist, tho' I'm not sure his/her response on your daughter was very helpful!!

 

I'm so sorry I've bleated on for so long. Please do keep us informed in how you are doing, health wise and daughter wise.

Lotsa love Delly xxxxxx

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Ann, 

Good to hear ! A true inspiration to folks like myself ....Thank you x

ann-m
Community Champion

Re: Looking for understanding????

Thanks Nb. I’m 2 years down the road now & completely fine x
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hello Ann,

As always good to have your understanding ! It does help to  release it by writing it down . When I started this morning in my reply to Delly only then realised how much hurt I was still experiencing. You hit the nail in the head though by saying there are only so many fronts you can battle at this time. I have very little fight left in me and have to take the point of view it is necessary to practise self preservation so that I don't go under. 

Hope this message finds you coping. 

Take care

Nb xxx

ann-m
Community Champion

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi Nb
You are perfectly entitled to feel ‘needy’ in view of what you’re going through at the mo, so pls don’t feel any guilt on this, you are entitled to your feelings.
As you say, maybe it’s just hanging in there for the mo & let time sort this out, there are only so many fronts to battle when going through treatment & you need to prioritise yourself.
Do take care & at least I hope it helps to get it written down.
ann x
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Good Morning Delly,

Thank you for your response and support....I really do appreciate any suggestions which will help me to understand the changes in my daughter. Prior to my diagnosis we had a very close relationship but approximately 6weeks before this she had ended her relationship,with her boyfriend of 4years.. they had lived together for a year & she came back home in November &was here until March....she is now living alone in a flat 15minutes,away & has,a new boyfriend.

I suspect she is in emotional turmoil from this although very,adamant if where her future is going but sadly it,appears to have no concern for the feelings of others. The psychologist has,suggest her actions are very much related to her age & stage in life but I struggle with her lack of compassion. 

I am6 days post FEC number 4. Had neutropeonic sepsis after 2nd cycle and until then had tried to put a face in things & have a wide circle of supportive friends. There are only a couple of friends aware if my dilemma as I feel so ashamed of my inability to deal with the situation. After being in hospital for 5days I tried sitting down with my daughter to explain how vulnerable I felt and in desperate need of her understanding but this seems to push her further away . 

At the moment I am trying my best to survive by being positive that we still have contact and she hasn't turned,her back in me and hope time will resolve our difficulties.....maybe my expectations are unrealistic and I need to be more independent &less needy  !

Apologies for my rant but your response has been therapeutic in the sense that I have,written down my immediate feelings.

With much appreciation.

Not Brave xxx

delly
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi notbrave

I'm sorry my response is late to your situation. Yes, I agree you do need to concentrate on your own recovery. But, I also think your recovery would be helped by your daughter being educated to give a better understanding of what you're personally going through with BC, and how she can support you. She'll probably be feeling anger and shock (at the possibilty of losing her Mum), and inadequate as to how she can help and support you. In which case, it's all about where for her to turn to get that education and support and encouraging her to do so. So anywhere and sites for family/carers of BC or other cancers. I've just reread your original post and noted "support at our Oncology unit". There's the "Supporting someone with Breast Cancer" area on this Forum, where she could hopefully engage with other daughters/sons experiences, plus information leaflets for "Supporters" from BCC. Perhaps MacMillan too.

The fact that you say she's not phoning as often to me suggests she doesn't know how to cope with it, or is she having other struggles of her own and is finding your BC an extra added difficulty/stress to balance? Are you putting on a "brave face" to her, or have you let her know your struggles and difficulties? I don't know whether you and she "normally" have a good open communicative relationship or not, prior to BC? But you're definitely not openly communicating at the mo' are you. I don't know how well or unwell you currently are, but I would try and gently pin her down, perhaps with the suggestion of a meal out or in together treat, but making it clear you need, want or wish to talk, so she has prior warning and you can both prepare yourselves beforehand.

I may be talking out of my backside in this, but am just telling as I see, hear, read.

Hope you get somewhere with it

Much love and hope you're recovering well

Delly xxxx

 

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi,

Thank you for your understanding.....I have to be patient xxx

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi,

 

Thanks for your response...I realise I must try to be patient. 

NB xx

mcnulcc
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi NB I can totally relate to how you are feeling I have something similar but from my mother. I was totally floored by her reaction to my news and she was the reason for my many meltdowns in the early days. All I can say is that at the moment you are the most important person in this situation. You have to care for and protect yourself. Things will get better but it will take time so deep breathing and concentrate on you first. She will turn a corner it just might not be for sometime. Xx
I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Good Morning Dawn T, I was unsuccessful at trying to reply to you last night...sorry. You are correct in thinking my daughter no longer lives at home but she still lives locally & had a short period at home just as I was diagnosed. I suspect she is reaching out for support from her colleagues at work and is attempting to understand the situation through some of their own experiences. Unfortunately I don't think she has the insight to accept that each case is individual. I am very anxious that I may be the one to tip things over the edge so tend to be very guarded in what I say . She used to ring in her way home from work but telephone conversations have stopped & I am apprehensive as to when to call as she has a"busy life"...her words. I maybe expecting too much and have to focus on the positive that we do still have contact. 

Thank you for your suggestions & understanding.

Best wishes,NB.

DawnT
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi NB.

Sorry to hear you and your daughter are struggling just when you need each other. From what you say I gather she no longer lives at home with you?

My 25 year old son has taken my diagnosis quite badly but in a different way. Although they are adults they don't have the experience to deal with how they feel by themselves. Is there somebody else a little distant who she could talk to openly about how she feels - even if that's to say how much she hates you/the cancer/ the fact it's changing her future/ your future/ her expectations of you as strong/reliable - who knows what?? An aunt or cousin or old friend of yours perhaps?

I made my son say out loud "my Mum has breast cancer" and told him to tell everybody he spoke too to see what they said back. He got lots of conversations and positive feedback from his friends. At least he can talk to me without crying now. Your daughter sounds as if she's gone the other way towards anger. 

Telephone conversations provide opportunity for dialogue from a safe distance and could provide contact without lengthy interaction?

I wish you all the best and hope you find an easier relationship soon.

DawnT.

I can do this
Member

Re: Looking for understanding????

Thank you Ann having your understanding will keep me plodding on. Glad you brought up the topic of boundaries.....I'm a great believer in them ! We all need to respect them. 

Take care, NB

ann-m
Community Champion

Re: Looking for understanding????

Hi NB,

Glad you felt you could come & rant here, it's what the forum is for!

Sorry to hear how your daughter has reacted, sometimes others - including family, can react in unexpected ways, you're not alone with this.

It seems she is in a sort of denial & is feeling angry about it, so takes it out on you.  As ever, with close family, difficult emotions can get dumped on those who they feel closest to - usually mum!

It's good you're getting support with this, in time she should come through it but meanwhile, keeping firm boundaries with her & putting yourself first may help you both to move forward on this.

You're not weak at all, probably just tired of it all, when you're going through bc as well & as we all know, it can be emotionally tough anyway, without dealing with this on top.

Sending hugs

ann x

I can do this
Member

Looking for understanding????

  1. Hello everyone, for quite some time now have found reading posts very encouraging but ' new deep inside I wanted to post / rant myself! Our journeys are unique in every way as are our coping mechanisms.At 58 I am still open to suggestions but think my life skills to date seem underestimated by my 20year old. I accept I have no idea the effect my situation has had in her other than to say she is changed person who I am struggling to engage with. We have been fortunate to receive support at our local ontology unit but despite this I feel so emotionally wrecked by the changes in odour relationship. She feels the need to push me to the limits when we meet up yet denies this and has no understanding of how fragile I feel and as a result we end up with a dreadful atmosphere between us. This is a very basic outline but I would be happy to share more details and receive any advice and guidance from any of you out there. Thank you in anticipation. Hoping those who feel weak can hang on in there .