Thank you MM. Am really chuffed by your reply. The Peter Harvey thing is brilliant, and I am breathing and telling myself that it's ok at the moment. The spaces when I'm not in a blind panic may be getting longer. So here's hoping! Tho I just woke up in a panic. its so wierd to be post treatment. I didn't join any threads then and everyone thought I was being amazing, and now it's like, 'what was all that about?' Like a massive truck has hurtled past, horns blaring and now it's gone off down the hill, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it all. And I feel quite lonely. That's why it's sooo great to come on here and hear from people in the same boat. I would like to do some sort of cartoon/ picture,I love painting, and find housework and stuff takes over. Especially with a hubby that seems to expect so much or am I just lazy? today I had An eye test, (2 hours! What were they doing?) and the medical atmosphere totally freaked me out!cleaned kitchen, felt guilty, Put washing out, put washing away, ironed, sanded and primed window frame, made dinner, did homework w kids, cleared dinner, bathed and got kids to bed, listened to hubby moan about work, escaped to bed. It's soooo boring and soooo relentless. Gosh im moany! Sorry, just ...I dunno! think it's just about impossible to believe that I have courage and strength and survived and deserve to take time to recover when, it's as if nothing happened. I went through all that and the dinner STILL needs..etc etc etc. When do I get to wear pink and runs marathon in Kilimanjaro or whatever fabulous achievement so many ladies seem to do? for my birthday he'd gone to get a present from costco(? Really?) and forgotten his card. Dinner out became chips in front of the tv cos he was so tired. A little bit of me is a little bit fed up, a little bit of me is thinking, actually I'd have quite liked a bit of a fuss made. I did go thru chemo you know. He got daughter a £200 birthday party(!) cos she'd had a horrid year (!) and now of course we have to do same for the boy. Where's MY £ 200? Oh we've got no money. When I was ill it was all, 'get through this and you can go to art college' now it's ' get a job, a well paid job, so I can buy stuff and start my own company'. Not in those words, but I'm a bit cross actually.That sounds really awful. That can't be right! oh no anxiety turning into pissed off ness. That has to be better! Agh, thoughts of money and my future..anxiety again! sorry. Can't tell any one this so am venting! May not even post..oh sod it. Breathe!
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