Breast Cancer Now Forum

Hi Southpool, your last comment touched a cord. I went through the same phase- couldn't bear to look in the mirror at all, and hating the shaved head. I find it's much much worse in the post chemo week, when the chemicals are concentrated in my system, my skin is hit hard and my eyes yellow, almost! Somehow, I have been able recently to come to terms with my appearance and it honestly doesn't bother me nearly as much now. I'm quite vain, I think, if I'm totally honest- have always prided myself on looking a bit younger and try to keep reasonably trendy. I have a friend who has not an ounce of vanity- just the way she is. Anyway, I thought I would be really badly affected by the change in my appearance, but I think knowing that it's temporary is the key. You will not always look like this. Your hair will grow back. Meanwhile, I am absurdly quite enjoying the freedom of a shaved head- no blow-drying, no grey roots showing, no bad hair days. I have never before worn hats, but am actually liking the caps I bought and experimenting with scarves ( not so fond of the turban!) I got my NHS wig today to supplement the long one I bought a while ago, and am even enjoying the whole wig madness!! I do, however, make more of an effort with make-up, as it makes me feel better. I don't care what other people think, I just know it's for me! You will have ups and downs- some days you will look great and on others not so good. It's okay to feel sad that you are going through a tough time; tomorrow, hopefully, you will feel differently. Take care, Lee ... View more

Hi Everyone, I have noticed that the recent posts have been really philosophical and thoughtful, which is fascinating. I am a late night bunny tonight- just got back from the pub after meeting up with a bunch of work friends. They did talk shop a bit (teachers always do) but it was so good to see them and we had a laugh over a few orange juices and cups of tea! We're a mixed age bunch, but it made me realise that I do miss the banter at work. Have noticed that I am much more relaxed wearing the wig now- it feels okay. Vanns, I feel the same as you- I've been doing the job for over 30 years now and I still love it when I'm in the classroom, but as a Head of Department, the politics is really stressful coupled with exam result pressures. I also think that work stress has also probably contributed to my cancer, and have now just backed off completely- I look at the website, but have devolved responsibility and am thinking about whether I even want to go back at all....We are lucky to be able to take time off sick and be paid, although I will go down to half pay in July. You are right. It's just a job. There is no doubt that having this disease and going through the treatment is life-changing ... and sometimes in a really positive way because it forces you to re-evaluate everything and make those changes if you can. I think it's probably a good time for me personally to do something else. Pixie, I read about your nutrition course with real interest- can you please let me know who runs it? Over the years I have dreamed of alternative jobs; in another life I would have had a vintage clothes shop in Brighton, but that's a whole different story! I am feeling more like my old self at the moment as I come into week 3 and can hardly bear to think about the pale, sickly, miserable person that the chemo turns me into... Anyway, Bunnies, you are probably all tucked up in your burrows dreaming of carrots and sex...... or is that just male bunnies...I leave you with that thought, 'Night Lee x ... View more

Morning all, It is really helpful to catch up with the posts- there is such strength and support on this forum that it sometimes makes me cry! But I cry at anything these days.... Good to hear you will probably keep the tooth, Pixie- your dentist sounds sane and calm, which is what we need. I am fascinated by this injection: it is the first I have heard about it, and am wondering why. Those of you who have it, is it because you are private patients... it doesn't sound like it, but am just wondering. Or maybe because you had low bloods after the first dose of chemo, perhaps? Am wondering whether to ask for it,as I would have thought that anything that boosts the white blood cells should be given to everyone!! This variation in treatments must be financial strategy I guess. Thanks for the advice on skincare Littlechick- I take really good care of my skin, but these acne type spots do my head in at times. I've not had any bad mouth ulcers yet, though, so I am grateful for that. Bought a bottle of Ribena yesterday thinking that it might encourage me to drink more. Realised its the colour of Epirubicin. Tipped the whole lot down the sink! Congratulations on the ritual shaving Tracy- it feels better doesn't it, as long as you don't look in the mirror. Have got used to mine now, but head gets really cold, and the buff is not a good look for me. Mary, you are right- the wigs do look good and it is nice to be complimented, but what we all want is to be our normal selves, warts and all. I woke up early today and spent an hour reading a great book, enjoying my breakfast in the warmth of the conservatory. It was so good to become aware of feeling reasonably well again going into week 3. Have resolved to make the most of the coming week ( my son is comin home from Uni for a few days) and try really hard not to think about dose 3 at all. love to all, especially everyone struggling to get out of those PJ's today! Lee xxx ... View more

Hi Natalie, just PM'd you with my postcode. Look forward to seeing where ends up being central!!! Hope everyone is ok tonight- I know that some of us are having tough times. Having taken a whole week this time to feel even a bit normal, it feels like I have such a short time till the next dose. My body feels a bit hyper at the moment- can't seem to relax at all; as if it is working really hard all the time to get better. Appetite is back with a vengeance! Sara- Ihad the same thing when I wore my wig- a younger work colleague I havent seen for months said that she loved the new hairstyle. When I said it was a wig, she just looked really confused!! My OH did say that I look younger wearing it, though; it's also to do with the condition of the hair on the wig- not many real people of a certain age have hair in fab condition naturally. My wig is too dark, really- it doesnt look right to me, but it cost too much not to wear it. It's also a bit too long, so I need to get it cut, as I've noticed that the ends get matted. Am having an NHS one next week, which might be even worse! Wore a silk scarf as a turban today, and it felt so soft and lovely compared to the wig. Mary= bit concerned about your convulsions- that sounds really frightening. It's spookily quiet in the warren at the moment; I'm sensing that lots of us are just hunkered down and waiting for better times, so am sending out some positive, healing virtual energy... Lee xxx ... View more

Morning everyone, I've been awake since four this morning; found myself unable to sleep and thinking about all of the stuff going on with fellow bunnies. What with lumps, teeth, ulcers, livers, hearts....blood... I feel so sorry for you both, Pixie and LittleChick. Having a tooth out is stressful enough when you are fit and well... here's hoping that the antibiotics do the trick as fast as possible and good luck today. Hopefully you might still e able to have your holiday? LittleChick, it seems a bit tough to tell you that there's an issue with your liver function but not give you any advice about how to help it get better!! I guess that just having extra recovery time between doses is the best medicine. Annieberry I had to cancel my echocardiogram this week because I felt so rough, but now I am a bit worried that I should have dragged myself there. My brain is in overdrive thinking about all the possible stuff that can go wrong with this process. Supportive hug to SaraB; it is hard having to deal with money issues, when all you want to do is focus on your health. I am guessing that you have already totally explored all the advice re.benefits on offer...try not to let it freak you out though, because your health has to be the most important thing in all this. Warm thoughts to everyone going through tough stuff today; try not to stress about things that you have no control over. Sometimes we have to let go and let others look after us. Lee xxx ... View more

Hi Everyone, Mary- Sara is right; everyone is so different that it's impossible to predict what will happen. For me, the adjustment to my meds meant that I wasn't actually sick after Fec 2, but it seems to have taken me longer to shift the SE's and I still have bad acid tum now, on day 6. It's probably best to try not to look ahead too much, as others seem to have been lucky enough not to have any increase/difference in SE's. Vanns- no, you are not turning into a nervous wreck, just doing what we all do- trying to avoid thinking about the sparkly stuff. Good luck with this week's dose- may the SE louts not linger long. Margietee- so glad you managed to talk about your stuff to the therapist, and that the session was helpful. I have one booked on Friday morning. Can't wait! I trust you are using lots of arnica on the bruises- it worked for me. Briliant limerick, Hyzenthlay and Margietee both. And sorry to hear about all the low bloods etc, Hyzenthlay- must have been horrible. Good luck today. So, so impressed that you were able to go bare-headed at work, Natalie- says a lot for your working relationships. I am missing my work, so you are lucky to be able to keep it up. Good to hear from you again, Little Chick- we had the same reaction to FEC1 at the same time, but you sound as if you've come to terms with the fact that you will probably have the sickness each time. Ememd is okay, but it has left me with other SE's Good luck too Pixie- you seem to have those medical bods all sorted with your knowledge. I meant to say before that I think a spa day is a wonderful idea when we are all more free of this stuff, but we could always try for an earlier meet-up somewhere central ( for tea and cake? or does that sound too tame? Could be posh tea and cake? Might be something to aim for as a mid-way treat and a bit cheaper than a spa day. Just a thought! Anyway Bunnies, feel a bit better today- thanks for kind words. It does pass, it's just shitty while it's passing. Take care all. Might take up the limerick challenge instead of cooking tea! Love Lee xxx ... View more

Hi Everyone, have just been catching up with all the posts- my, how we have grown! And yes, it is good to read about others having good days when you are personally feeling awful- which unfortunately is where I've been since FE 2 last Weds. The good thing was that Emend worked- I wasn't actually throwing up for two days, but I certainly haven't picked up nearly as fast as I did last time. Have spent four days feeling very very pathetically sorry for myself.... lots of nausea, acid tummy, weakness, bloating and general misery. Great. Today is day 5 and the first day I can even begin to look at all your news. That's not good. Have also noticed large painful sore lumps on scalp at the back- only 3 so far, but not much fun. Am finding all the positive visualisation impossible- all I can feel stretching ahead is 4 more times when I am going to feel just like this, and possibly worse. Help! When I look in the mirror, I see my face beginning to carry the worry and stress of it all. Feel like I have aged ten years in a month! Re all the different treatments- it is fascinating; I am on 6 FEC because my tumour was Grade 3. Having said that, the mastectomy has hopefully taken any rogue stuff away, and only one of my nodes out of 4 taken out in the sentinel node biopsy was a tiny bit affected. I did have the oncotype test, though, and that confirmed that my prognosis for recurrence is better if I have the Chemo. Not sure about rads after, as I have a nasty shoulder from a ski-ing accident 20 years ago, and my onc thinks that it might restrict my movement even further. So I might just go on to 5 years of Aromatase inhibitors. So sorry to burden you all with my negativity, but I have been really struggling over the last few days.... you've cheered me up with your stories now, though, and here's hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Welcome to new bunnies, as always, love to everyone and it' so good to know you are all there! Lee x ... View more

Hi Everyone, Just spent a while writing a post and it doesn't seem to have sent!! Will try again...just sending this as it is.... Lee xxx ... View more

Hi Everyone... back at last. I haven't been able to post at all for ages because of all the website problems, so it's good to be back in the warren, but I feel so out of touch with you all. Will read all the recent posts in a minute!! I took control and shaved my head this afternoon. I was so fed up with it falling out and having a sore scalp, that despite having only had my short cut for a week, enough was enough. Thank goodness I have a decent scalp- was worried that it would be all scabby and pink, cos it's been so tender. It is a bit weird, but I have tried the wig on again and think it's ok. I might wear it out tomorrow evening when I am meeting up with a few people from work that I havent seen since I went on sick leave in January! My head feels really cold, so I'm wearing a Bold Beanie- not very glam, but comforting. OH is fine with the bald head- says he thought he would be shocked to see me, but he wasn't. We just laughed. Is that a bit strange? I've got blood test tomorrow and a telephone chat to confirm whether I am ok to have dose 2 on Wednesday. I feel a bit apprehensive this time, as I know now how bloody horrible I'm going to feel on Wednesday night and the next day. Not easy, is it, Bunnies? Apart from the hair, don't have much to report- but it is such a relief to have got rid. Hope you are all ok and that everyone has made it back to the Warren. I really missed it when it was lost in the wilderness!! Love to all, might post again when I have caught up with the reading ! Weather still terrible in Cheltenham. Havent been in the garden for weeks. Lee x ... View more

Hello Bunnies, I haven't been posting for a while, but just read through all your posts and nearly cried when read bout Little Chicks pj's! It's day 12 for me, and it would seem that after the first 4 days of hell, I've been quite lucky this time. No sign of the dip at all Rachel, but I have been taking things very easy -am on full time sick leave from work, and no toddlers to look after. I just seem to be completely obsessed with food, though, which is weird. Have to eat every couple of hours, and cravings for really healthy food. OH says he has never felt so virtuous. Loads of broccoli, and at one point I just had to make a Coq au vin! What's that all about? I've never made Coq au Vin before! I feel like my body has been invaded by a chef. Tea belly, I think you posted that your appetite had returned with a vengeance too. Is it still going strong? Not doing much exercise, and have been a bit housebound by the truly dreadful weather here in Cheltenham ( anyone else down my way?) I do feel puzzled by the differences In all our ractions, and it does make me feel guilty that some of you us are having such a rought time, but I also know that no one can predict how we might respond next time. It could all change round, as this stuff seems so unpredictable! Too many of us to mention by name now, but am thinking of everyone and really really hope that today brings fewer SEs for all. Trying very hard to keep away negative thoughts about next FEC. Love to all, Lee ... View more

Hello Bunnies, It's hard to keep track of us all, but what is clear is the massive difference between how we are all responding to the same sparkly stuff. ( not quite as easy for me to imagine yet, Pixie, but trying) Vanns, Your reactions are almost identical to mine, but I didn't have Emend. I found the sickness really upsetting, and was desperate for it to stop. No-one should have to suffer 3 days of throwing up! I am going to talk to my onc about it fore next time. I am dreading next time. BigM- I also had a mx with an expander back in Feb so I have had a chance to cover from the op before the chemo. You seem to be having everything done within such a short time frame, which I guess is good, but it must be doing your head in. I really sympathise, but try not to be scared-you might not experience any of the stuff others have! Little Chick - hope they are sorting you out and that you can be home soon. Good news about the tumour, GadgetGal , and welcome to Rachel P- your FEC was just one day earlier than mine.Lets see how we get on with the so called week 2 dip. Hope those who are quiet today are doing okay. Have a restful night, Bunnies, Lee X ... View more

Hi Bunnies, Well done to everyone today; enjoy reading all the stories. Best wishes to all those suffering SE's today. Day six post chemo for me and I have the appetite of someone three times my size. What is going on? I'm usually able to survive on three smallish meals a day, one of them a salad, with the odd handful of almonds for a snack. No more. Today I ate: porridge, prunes, blueberries, yoghurt, a hot cross bun from the freezer, two huge harissa/humus/bean sandwiches, a bottle of apple juice. Then, carrot, apple, avocado and and humus toast at about 4pm, vegetable stew and rice just now, followed by more peanut butter toast.... and it's only 6 o'clock. I know I'll want to eat again in an hour. I feel constantly hungry and don't know whether this is my body saying " yes, give me good food so that i can get better" or, " I'm just gonna pile on the pounds and you can't do a thing about it." Help! Is anyone else feeling like this? It's certainly not normal for me! The flip side, of course, is that everything tastes great and I'm not craving chocolate or cakes.... I am spending too much time thinking about food....... Lee x ... View more

Morning everyone. Blimey, this cancer lark is a real roller coaster! I am sitting in my conservatory, drinking the oh so healthy green tea with mint, watching the birds and savouring the moment. For some reason, even the rain is stunningly gorgeous. Can't explain this euphoria except to suggest that it is because I don't feel sick or headachy or dehydrated or knotted up inside, For the moment. A decent night's sleep helps. I know that I am only on day 6 post chemo and that the SE's might have plenty more nasty tricks in store for me, but.......just for the moment. Have decided to take control of my life when all this is over, make some grown up decisions and plan a future that does not involve biding my time and worrying about my pension!!! Just wanted to share this thought with all you Bunnies-and to let you know that however stressed, worried, sick, frightened or miserable you feel now, it does pass. Philosophy lesson over!!!! Love to all, Lee x ... View more

Hey Bunnies, Haven't been able to face looking at a screen for a few days but it's good to be back and catch up with all your news! I had my FEC on Weds and stupidly came home, sat down and ate some supper. Truly horrific vomiting followed and a grim night during which I seriously doubted my resolve to get through this business. Sickness all night and all the next day, unable to keep down any water or food, so anti emetics are trying to work on an empty stomach and causing more sickness. Great! I was so desperate to be good and drink lots of water like everyone advises, but I just couldn't. Lived on tiny sips of water and three oatcakes. By Sunday I was feeling a bit better though, eating and enjoying some food. Had lost 4lb in three days,and I pretty much stayed in bed the whole time. Was worse in the evenings, sometimes would get the shakes. My sense of smell went berserk- the house seemed to smell horrible.... had to open all the doors and windows, clean all the sheets, etc. Told my OH that he needed to eat only raw food or salad for a while- he forgot and started cooking some onions to make soup. He honestly thought I was gagging in order to make a point! Today is ok, so far, apart from waking up with a blinding headache. Seem to have a definite appetite, which is good, but my skin is awful too- acne-like spots that I should be well finished with at my age! Am very envious of those of you living near a beach- no such luck here, but the Cotswolds will have to suffice. It's not the same as a stiff salty breeze though,is it? Not much sleep last night, as finding it really hard to relax- my heart felt like it was beating too fast- trying to help my body rid itself of all the toxins. Need to some of this positive imaging, I think, as all I saw in my head was needles and drips, when what I want to be seeing is long sandy beaches or rolling hills and blue skies. Welcome to LittleChick, Hyzenthlay and hope that Gadget Gal, you are doing okay if you are still in hospital. Good luck for the portocath,Pixie, and so glad that you are feeling better Repunzal after your hellish ten days. Thanks all for being such a positive force, Bunnies, and for all the tips: you are a real tonic, especially to those of us who don't have family close by. Good luck to anyone who is suffering any of the FECing SE's at the moment, and am thinking of all of you who are having your first chemo this week. Take care, Lee x ... View more

Hi Bunnies, Good news for you about the bone scan, Sharon, and am so sorry for the awful time you have had this week. One down and five to go. I took a whole load of stuff and didn't use any of it! Had a nurse and a trainee who did the injections by hand, so couldn't really start rummaging around for ice cubes and mints and water etc. It was okay really - took about and hour and three quarters in all. Pinky orange wee, like you Sharon, and just a little light headed, but that's all so far. Fingers crossed, and must remember to take all the anti-sickness pills. My eyes glazed over as she was explaining the doses to me; I was watching her lips moving but not registering anything she said! Take care everyone, Lee x ... View more

Hi Bunnies, Only half an hour or so till my first shot, so came online to see any news and be distracted. Loving the "mixi bunnie' , 'infected in April' ( worthy members of course) and 'chemo ears'. Am imagining a planet chemo where all of us roam free and wild in the hedgerows and fields in various stages of SE's. Some with tiny bunnie wigs with ears poking through, and .... So sorry, am losing the plot here and I never had a pet rabbit, so am a bit uncertain about the technical details! Won't be able to source bunny ears today, methinks, but will be on the case soon. Really looking forward to all the photos. Good idea Pixie, but what have you started? Take care, Lee x ... View more

Last post today just to say thanks gadget gal and tea belly, Natalie and Margietee for reassuring words. I think my wobbles are partly because I seem to have been waiting so long for the chemo to start! It's not really that long considering I had my MX on the 9th Feb, but it feels like forever. Have had lovely texts from friends and family that have made me a bit tearful and said goodbye to my son, who had to go back to uni today. It is probably best to be more matter of fact about it, but I find that other people are just as worried for me and it starts me off! I think you are all right, you wise, experienced chemo-ers ( the text edit corrected that to chemo-ears!) and I just need to get the first one done and dusted. Gadget gal, is that you in the picture?- its a fab look! Love to all, and here's to a positive day tomorrow. We can do this. Sharon, hope you feel better. Lee X ... View more

Hello to everyone, just want to touch base with anyone who has chemo scheduled for tomorrow... I am getting a bit nervous about it all now despite having been quite positive so far. It's all a bit too real and there is no going back is there? Finding it a bit hard to laugh just at the minute, but this is hopefully just a wobbly moment. Tried some wigs on yesterday and realised that I will never ever be able to go blonde- I looked ridiculous as have olive skin and dark eyes. Does anyone know about the benefits of a monofilament wig? They seem to be more expensive, but I'm not sure whether there is a big difference or not. Any advice would be appreciated before I say yes to the one in the shop. Just going to the supermarket to stock up on yoghurt, prunes, broccoli and ginger, based on posts. Have bought some milk thistle and asked my Onc today if it's okay to take it, and she said she had never heard of it! Planet Chemo! Let me know if anybody else is feeling wobbly, please!!! Lee x ... View more

Hi All, Thanks, Margietee- I was a bit sceptical about the ice-cubes, but I will definitely take them now! Welcome Campo; it is bad enough dealing with this stuff at home- I can imagine how stressful it must all be for you. GMT- good to know that you are off work as well. I had my MX in February and they gave me compassionate leave in January after the diagnosis, so I haven't been at work since then. I have no idea when I'll be able to go back, which is a bit of a worry really. I am trying not to stress about it, but wondering whether there will still be a job by the time I am finished with all this- what with recovery, radiotherapy and then reconstruction!!! Only two more days to go before CDay and half an hour till the last episode of Homeland! Take care everyone, Lee x ... View more

Hello everyone! It feels like ages since I posted and how this thread has grown! I have just read it all from the start again, trying to hold everyone's names in my head, but failing miserably. How do you all do it? Easter came and went for me down in Eastbourne with my sister. Got a bit sad about the fact that I will miss my nephew 's wedding in May because of the chemo; it's in Italy, and my onc said best not to travel so soon after the 2nd dose. Started wailing ( back at home) that I won't be in any of the photos, but OH suggested photoshopping us in later. Anyway, am back home in Cheltenham now and like you, Tracy, am on countdown to Wednesday. Haven't yet done any wig stuff; forgot to take down numbers at the hospital today. Thanks for all your stories pixie! Really admire all of you who are working ( are many of you still working?) whilst having treatment; I'm a teacher so the school needed to get someone in to cover me, which meant that I could take the time off. I also have only recently found out that I need chemo, and I felt the same as you, GMT. Now I just want to get started so that I can actually deal with it rather than imagining it all. I asked the nurse today whether you feel anything as the drugs go in, and she said not; I had also read about the ice cubes. Does this really help on the first dose, ot just the later ones? Have embarked on a few Pilates stretches at home remembered from a course ages ago, in an effort to keep fit, and because my 19 year old son has been worried that I' m not oxygenating my body enough! If only it were that simple! Have resolved to catch up with you all more often, or I will lose touch again with who's who. Congratulations to everyone who has had started the treatment you are all my role models, so keep posting. Good luck to anyone who's suffering any SE's. I tried reminding myself of all the hangovers I have suffered in the past as a result of over- indulgence, in an effort to get some perspective. Remembered winning a bottle of whiskey in a raffle many years ago, sharing it with friends back at my flat, after a gentle evening drinking lager and lime, and being completely unable to lift my head off the pillow the following morning. Is nausea different if it's self inflicted. I guess so! Here's to a restful night; take care and stay strong. You are all doing brilliantly to shake off this nasty stuff. Take care, Lee- X ... View more