Breast Cancer Now Forum

Hi all I don't come on here much. I have crippling depression and feeling so low at the moment. I have literally no support. Not a family member or friend. I have been having terrible mood swings and I feel so frustrated in how I feel. I have alot of selfish people around me. However I am not backwards in coming forward I seem to say it how it is and don't have a filter. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not wrong and I am being treated badly. However I am reacting badly to it. This seems to give them the ultimate excuse to dispell what they have done and focus on my outlash of a response. I am 45. I lost my mum to FTD dementia. This dementia is rare and tthe most challenging. It occurs in people in there middle ages. My mum started showing signs at 55/56. She died age 62. I was her main carer for four years. To say it was difficult was an understatement. I live in a flat on the second floor with no lift. It's an victorian building and the stairs are very tiny, very ickledy pickledy. The actual width is a size 3 step. Seriously I have to go down them side wides. My mum was 5"7 size 16. She lost her mobility due to parkinsonism on top of the dementia. My mum also suffered with a constant infection which affected her behaviour. The shock of seeing someone you love change the way she did literally shocked my system. I felt I went into a denial. It was a survival mechanism. Mum wpuld lash out and was very demanding..she never slept and hit me if she wanted something and I didn't do it straight away. I was my mum's life when she was well. She was my rock. She was a 24 hour mum. I relied heavly on her. Now the roles had reversed. I was mum and she was like my child. Her symptoms could be horrible. I felt so heart broken as she was the most loving soft hearted beautiful lady. She never swore. She never judged anyone. She never gossiped. She was someone people respected. Now she was swearing throwing things etc. My family were awful. They took her symptoms personally..not only was I trying to get my head around this and looking after mum I was also studying mum's disease and trying to get it into people's head she was sick and didn't mean what she was doing. I also went into shock as they knew mum they knew this wasn't her. Why didn't they have patients or tolerance or understanding. She was there sister auntie cousin mum partner. Why am I having to do this. The stress was mounting up on me. I was constantly exhausted. There was no rest with mum. Some days I wanted to scream. And all the time not one person was there for me. My closest child hood friends also seem to think that it how could I be going through all that. Becuase on the very rare occasions they visited they only saw mum for an hour. They would sit there and say "oh she's ok" sometimes it made me feel like I was a liar and I was making it up how bad things where. It came to a point that I noticed a month had gone by and not one of them had called texted to see how we where. It complete frustration I sent a text telling them a few home truths. To me you can't dress the truth up or how you feel. So they took that as thr perfect opportunity to use it as completely not to bother with me and mum. From that day not any of them have spoken to me. I also said I wanted nothing more to do with them. However mum passed away last August. Then in December I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a size of a tennis ball in my right breast. Stage two ductal breast cancer IDC. Still not one of them contacted me. A neighbour contacted my brother when I had my first course of chemotherapy as I was so sick. Home alone. I had not one of them come and visit. He did but I could feel they had all ganged up on me like a pack of hyiegners. Pls don't think I'm mad. I promise you I had that strong women's intuition. I felt it of him. He had betrayed me like you wouldn't believe. I had a mastectomy 7 weeks ago. Still at home alone. I feel a bit suicidal. I don't get how cruel they are all being. I will never forgive them. I don't want them in.my life but they are also all I know. I need to find some groups for women with cancer. I cry for mum every day. I miss her so so so much my heart is broken. I'm bald with one breast and look awful. I feel in so much pain in my right armpit arm and chest wall. I have IBS frobramalgia arthritis scriosist. I'm sorry to go on. But I'm in my flat day in day out as I feel so poorly. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so low..I just want my mum and for all this to go away...I have been through all this alone. I can't believe how they have treated me ... I was always there for them. I was always the one fixing people. My best friend when she spilt with her partner. I decorated her whole flat. I sat up with her every night. I looked after her daughter etc. She met someone else just when my mum fell Ill and off she went. Am I expecting to much? I feel so ashamed having to wrote this. I feel so desperate and lonely...scared and heart broken. I was hard work I own that. I was just under so much pressure the last five years. I don't know how much I can take thanks for reading this. Sorry to be so negative. I have no one to talk to anymore. ... View more

Hi everyone I've been reading posts on reconstruction after mastectomy and thr pain alot of women are suffering. I had a mastectomy on my right breast. I decided to have reconstruction after my treatment. As I still have to have 18 weeks of chemo even though I'm cancer free. The tumour in my breast hadn't spread..Yay so happy. So after the mop up treatment as my surgeon calls it I've decided to go for recon then. I had my mesectomy 5 weeks ago. I'm in so much pain. My chest wall, armpit, shoulder and right arm are numb, sensitive and the pain if I just touch it I get a sick reflex from it where the pain is so bad I feel a horrible sick feeling. I'm on oral morph gabapentine codeine and still in loads of pain. I like a hard lump in my chest wall and a hardish lump in my armpit. It's so tender and sensitive. I can no way wear a bra..even the ones the hospital gave me. I have to wear lose tops as when cloths touch it..it seems to get really sore. I already suffer with chronic fatigue and arthitis, soriousis, ibs and lower back pain which literally when I wake in the morning I cry with the pain..I'm in pain everywhere I'm 45 and feel so fed up with all of this...anyway I just wanted to say that I feel I have server nerve damage and I think when they op they cut through alot of nerves. It sounds like my pain in chest wall etc is the same as the women who have had there reconstruction whilst having there mastectomy. So maybe it's nothing to do with the reconstruction? Because there is also a thing that alot of women get and it's called post mastectomy pain. Sharp pain in chest wall and armpit. Numb sensation and burning. I'm so scared this sensation isn't going to go away I spoke to a lady who had a mastectomy 10 years ago and she is still suffering with aches and pains around the area. I'm also gutted I didn't have my reconstruction. I thought doing that would cause pain etc. However it doesn't seem any different. So now I've got to go all through it again. I lost my mum last August. I'm missing her terribly. That's a different kind of pain. That's a deep ache for a person who was my everything. I got diagnosed 3 months after she died. I cared for my mum for 4 years. She had dementia. I was pretty burnt put and developed chronic fatigue. Then this. I keep going and I have been strong. However I feel like I just want to vent and scream today..I've hardly had any support..I've don't speak to my family. Even with cancer they still don't know how to do the right thing. That's emotionally a betrayal pain. All this pain. On top of that I'm constipated lol Thanks for listening to me...sorry I'm just so done and I'm so so fed up and just miss my mum so so much...god bless everyone Nicki xxxx ... View more

I have breast cancer. Stage 2 invasive ductal I started chemo last Monday. To say I've been ill is an understatement . This is the first day I've felt a little bit better although still so so weak/ fatigued/ the sickness has been the worst!!! Continuous vomiting at the wk end..called a off duty doctor sat who gave me more sickness tabs..then by Sunday I was in the worst state I think I've ever been in. The sickness was horrendous..called an ambulance I was freezing cold hot sweats servere stomach pain and continuous throwing up. Haven't eaten since last Friday. I had a slice of bread today I have no support. I am home alone. I called my nurse last weds to say I couldn't eat and I was so weak. She started having a go a me. So badly I had to put the phone down where I was so upset at her behaviour. I said I felt I had taken to the chemo badly and this was before what happened to me at the wk end. The hospital at the wk end must have made barts aware I was in at the wk end and yet she hasn't contacted me once this week. I'm to afraid to call her because she starts having a go. I feel so alone and so sick and weak. I also only lost my mum 4 months ago. I cared for her for 4 years. I'm still grieving and I'm so hurt. I wanted my breast removed as I didn't want to go through 4/6 months of chemo. Yet I mentioned it to my oncologist and was shut down. I have spent in total since my diagnosis 25 mins with the doctor who gave me my diagnosis which was 2 x appointments and 1 x appointment with my oncologist. None of anything was explained none of any options where given. So far I'm totally shocked how I've been treated under barts. I can't have any more chemo and be this sick alone and so IIl. So I want my breast off and I don't want this chemo. My nurse having a go because I haven't been eating...as I said I messed myself twice because I couldn't make the toilet so how can I make food while puking up?? She said not eating was very bad.. she just not listening how ill I have been. She also said that 80 year old women have chemo and have to live alone? I'm wondering if that's true?? Or a ploy to stop me from saying I'm sick and should be greatful or something?? Any advise please. I'm so scared so alone and not coping where I'm so sick. Also my throat feels like it's on fire and my head is so itchie.. I'm so scared what can I do living alone and being so sick with the chemo Thanks ... View more