Thank you. I think it's really hitting me about the whole cancer thing right now. I'm crying now and that's the first time since this began. I don't know what to do for the best - overall, I mean. If I knew there would be a good outcome (in terms of the cancer and the side effects) I would go for it. But if there's a bad outcome, I'd rather just be me, as I am now, for whatever time I've got left. And who knows? Maybe there's no more cancer in the other nodes (in which case I begrudge going through the op!) and then maybe radiotherapy will fix everything. Or maybe it will be yet more bad news. The uncertainty of all this gets to me, the feeling of being trapped and hurtling towards something I don't want. You brave ladies go through so much, and I feel like I've fallen at the first hurdle. Today I feel like I haven't got it in me to do any more. I've had two people in the family die of cancer at about my age, and it just feels like everything is taken away from you, a bit at a time, while you suffer. This is really colouring my view of my own situation. But then I know someone else who had it and she not only survived but many years later, you'd never know she'd ever had it. Everybody's case is different. I don't know what mine will be. I don't want any of it. I'm just an emotional mess today, and it's been building up - I don't see how I can have this op in this frame of mind. Yes, I'll call the BCN again, and I've been writing things down. I'm so afraid my mind will go to mush when I speak to her. I spoke to one of the lovely nurses here yesterday, and she was great and we were discussing factual, practical stuff - but I kind of went to pieces after that call. A practical question: I'm worried about the after effects of the operation in terms of using my hand/arm. Has anybody got any advice about/experience of that, long & short term?
... View more