Breast Cancer Now Forum

Hi Mishy,   I have been struggling recently too - and the lovely ladies on this thread have been really helping me feel calmer about how I feel.  I think I went back to work way too soon - I went back three days after my op in November (when I was so sore still it hurt to put my bra on but I was going in come what may) and worked all through rads.  I thought the normality would help me.  However, I think I would have been much better having a break and concentrating on getting and feeling better.  If you can I wouldn't rush back.  It just adds pressure where you need calm.  I am a fine one to talk, if only I could take my own advice!   Sending hugs X  ... View more

Hi Ladybowler, I am feeling calmer and more positive now.  I think admitting how I feel has been helpful.   Thanks for the link Shefgirl, that really puts it into perspective.   Hi Hufflepuff, I certainly had no idea how I was "supposed" to feel at this stage.  When I was going through treatment I didn't have time to think really.  You are in the hands of your team who are looking after you and they tell you what is coming next, what they are going to do and how it is going to happen.  You have to trust them and let them get on with their jobs. I was swept along with it and didn't really have time to think about how I felt, just concentrated on getting through the next bit.  I suppose I did the practical stuff and din't think about the feelings/   But suddenly there is no more security of that - the treatment bit is done, its the getting used to how you feel which comes next.  I think I have tried to rush through this bit, especially as I don't recognise how I feel.  I just don't feel like me.  That made me uncomfortable and I thought I could just ignore it and it would go away.     You are so right about the normal day to day things still needing doing, life goes on, but somehow they feel unreal.  Things like deciding what to have for tea each evening have stumped me when that sort of thing would normally just have happened.  Its like a bubble and only so much can be processed at one time.     I have a stressful job too, I am a partner in a law firm so it is mentally tiring rather than being physically demanding.  I also do all the HR so I am more used to solving problems than having them.  It is still a very male dominated/orientated profession too and any admission of emotions or anything which might be a bit 'difficult' is seen as being a weakness and can be pounced on.  I am used to hiding how I feel, and just getting on, but this has been too big for me to be able to do that.  I think the lack of control about how I feel has been difficult for me too - I normally box things up and deal with them one at a time, but this time the two areas have collided and I have not been able to simply carry on and pretend it isn't happening.    it is really helpful to know it does get better though and the old me is likely to come back.  I just need to be more patient and take some time.  It does help to know what I am feeling is normal too, I was wondering whether I was just being duff somehow, was it only me who felt this way.     I really appreciate the support and wise words you all offer to me.  This forum is a godsend, thank you so much to everyone, its lovely to know you all understand X      ... View more

Thank you Ladybowler, I am feeling calmer now.  I think it really helps to admit how you feel, rather than trying to bottle it up.   Thanks for the link Shefgirl, that puts things into perspective too.   Thank you Hufflepuff, it is very odd not knowing how you 'should' feel.  I think all through actual treatment we are in someone else's hands, they are the experts and while we have to make the final decisions about what we want to do treatment wise they guide us and you have to trust them.  I felt swept along and didn't really have time to think too much.  Once the security of that goes I felt almost like I didn't know what to do next, certainly not how to feel.  And what I am feeling wasn't something I recognised.  It didn't feel like me if that makes sense.  Real life does carry on too, you are so right about the normal things still needing to be done, but they feel unreal somehow.  Weird things like sorting out what to have for tea have stumped me when normally it is just something which happens.   I have a stressful job too, I am a partner in a law firm, so it's mentally taxing rather than being physically tiring. I do all the HR too so I am used to sorting problems rather than having them.  I think the loss of control has affected me too, admitting I don't feel myself has been hard.  Unfortunately it's still a mans world in law and anything which is outside of normal can be seen as weakness and pounced on which is not nice but unfortunately still true.    Its really helpful to know time really does help and things get better.  I think I have been trying to rush this stage, whereas I need to take my time a bit more.  I really appreciate the support you all give me and the wise words of advice.  This forum is a godsend.  Thank you all x      ... View more

Thank you Ladybowler, I really appreciate it.  I think I need to shake off this coldy thing and then look at signing up for one of the moving forward courses.  There is also a support group locally who meet every so often at one of the local cafes - the lady who runs it is really nice and I think I am going to go along.    I think I have realised I need to be kinder to myself.  X ... View more

Hi ladybowler and thanks very much for the tough pants. Your advice is so sound (it always is).  I don't really like my BCN, which is probably really unfair on her but she always seems to make me feel like I am doing it wrong somehow.  I feel a bit like she is box ticking rather than helping.  She is perfectly pleasant but seemed to be horrified I wanted to go back to work so soon and I felt like she thought I had therefore brought any problems on myself.  That sounds mad when I put it down, but she upset me at our first meeting by telling me I wasn't on her list for that day so she shouldn't be seeing me.  Well no I would rather not be here either! She is always somewhere else too on the days I was in clinic, hospital etc.  I can't put my finger on it but I didn't take to her.   Hi Nuthatch and Shefgirl.  We did do rads together.  I hope you are both ok.  That sums it up perfectly Nuthatch, weird is how I feel.  I think I am trying to run before I should.  Just feel flat and poorly, and more than a bit sorry for myself.  I don't think I factored in how hard this bit is, thought I would breeze through rads and leave it behind me.  I am never normally negative, and don't recognise how I feel at all.  And I know what you mean Shefgirl about having to take some time to be almost selfish, which is another thing I am not good at.     I'm putting on those tough pants Ladybowler.  Thank you ladies, I know you 'get' how I feel.  I am going to try and banish moaning Minnie for today x      ... View more

Hi Shefgirl,   Well done, that's brilliant.  Keep looking after yourself.  Woohoo no more visits every day! X   Hi Mrs Meow, nearly there, keep going and you will soon be ringing that bell too.  X ... View more

Hi Kitn77,   I am glad to hear it has been helpful.  Very best of luck for tomorrow and please do let us know how you get on.  Sending you a virtual hug X ... View more

Hi Kitn77,   I thought I would just see if I could offer any reassurance about your appointment on Thursday.  I don't know about simple or complex cysts I am afraid, but might be able to put your mind at rest a bit about what might happen at the clinic appointment.  I had never had a mammogram before when I was referred to the breast clinic in November last year as I am 46 and therefore below the screeing age.  The mammogram is a bit uncomfortable but I have a large bust (38DD).  Mine wasn't painful as such, more uncomfortable.  I found the one where they squash you sideways was a bit more uncomfortable than the one from above but it was bearable.  I was surprised they took films of both sides even though I was there with a lump in my left breast but they said this was normal practice (in the UK) so don't be surprised if they do do each side.  The positioning in the machine is a bit odd as they guide you and its a bit weird letting someone else move you to get you into the right position.  It is normally quite quick - the first one of mine was done in about 5 minutes.  The second one took a bit longer as they were looking at the specific spot again and wanted some closer shots but it was ok.  The team will guide you with what you need to do, where you need to stand, how to put your arms etc.  One bit of practical advice if you can wear either a skirt or trousers and a top so you only have to remove your top half of your clothing.  It's just a bit more comfortable being able to leave your bottom half on.    I didn't have a FNA - I had an ultrasound guided biopsy and a core biopsy.  However, from what I understand an FNA is where they insert a fine needle into the area they want to have a look at and draw off some fluid.  I am sure someone will be along who has had an FNA and give you some more info but I think they can tell from the colour of the fluid which comes out what they may think they are dealing with.    I don't know whether you are going to a one stop shop type clinic.  If you are then they may be able to give you the results of the FNA and mammogram there and then.  If they take any biopsys then normally there is a wait of one to two weeks while the results come back, although I know some people have received these results on the same day too.  Please don't be alarmed if they do decide to take biopsys in addition to the FNA - it doesn't mean you definitely have BC - they are checking and there are lots of other things lumps can be.  Someone made the point on this forum that they are breast clinics, not breast cancer clinics and that is very wise advice.    If it is possible then I would ask your husband if he could stay with you for the appointment.  It is nice to have someone there as an extra pair of ears and also to be there as support for you.  If you can try and take something with you to pass the time too - a magazine, book or some music to listen too.  It may distract you at least a bit, although I found I was too busy watching the comings and goings in the clinic.    The worst part is the waiting - for appointments, for results and it can be very difficult. Try if you can to stay away from Dr Google, nothing good comes from there.  There is loads of support on this forum, I know it has been a godsend to me.   Very best of luck on Thursday, sending you lots of good wishes and hugs X ... View more

Hi Headandheart,   I did have a smile at your description of leaving your top off but only at home!!  Made me chuckle.  I said only the other day I had taken my top off now for more people than I had ever shown my assets to before, enough is enough now.  I am determined to get some of my decorum back.   Your yoga at home course sound lovely, very relaxing. Good for the soul.   I am crochet mad (hence my rather strange user name crocrazy) and I have managed to pick up my hook again.  A bit odd balancing my left hand breast on a cushion wedged sort of on the side of the sofa and under my body, but it worked enough for me to be able to use enough of my arm to be able to crochet.  I am right handed so that does most of the work.  I find that really relaxing and I am now making another blanket.  I have chosen an easy pattern so can just go with the flow.  Very satisfying seeing it grow.   My struggles with the burns continue - I ended up at the doctors again yesterday and they have now given me some stronger painkillers which make me feel like I have had a bottle of wine, but without the headache!  I have stopped driving as they make me feel a bit odd, but they have taken the edge off the raw pain.  It looks clean and I am sure some of the redness has gone down.  It wasn't so agonising this morning having to wash it, so I hope I have turned a corner now.    Hope you are doing well.  Continue enjoying your music too, sounds great X ... View more

Hi Headandheart,   Sound advice indeed.  If I could rewind I would definitely take some more time for myself rather than worrying so much about keeping up (or rather trying to keep up!) with everything and trying to be 'normal'.  I think really it was probably a fiction I was telling myself, trying not to admit what I was going through and saying it was business as usual hoping that would mean it wasn't really happening.  Not sure that makes sense but I hope you know what I mean.   It hasn't helped I have had to have a battle with my GP surgery today about a prescription for the gel and dressings the hospital gave me.  I think they got most of my pent up stress when they still hadn't sorted it three days after they said they would.  It's the little, stupid things which tip you over the edge.  I could have cried with frustration earlier today - but instead I did a long email to the manager which made me feel a bit better.  I think it was the receptionist saying 'oh it's floating about here somewhere' which was the final straw.  Yes it may be floating somwhere but I have no dressings left, a split under the length of my breast which is raw and an underarm on fire...sort it please!      The holistic lady at the hospital gave me a relaxation CD and I think I may need to use it before I have another rant at someone else.  Never mind tomorrow is another day.    Hope you are ok and still doing well. X      ... View more

Hi Fiona,   Thank you.  Sorry to hear you are having bother.  Hopefully the dressing will do the trick.  They are looking after you by the sounds of it which is great.   I'm suffering today, under my arm I have lost some skin and its raw.  Under my boob is also starting to do the same.  I removed the dressing tonight and some of the skin came off with it.  They did warn me it would probably get worse before it got better.  Apparently it peaks at 7 days after finishing.  I think it is just a case of keep going and applying the gel and dressings.  Hot prickly feeling in my boob too and my scar seems to have gone lumpy.  Never mind, I am taking painkillers too which is taking the edge and telling myself it must mean it has been working x    Good to hear from you Nuthatch, glad you are doing ok x    Hi Shefgirl and Mrs Meow, keep going, you are getting there x   Great tip I Don't Believe It, sounds like it would be much comfier that way round.  Well done on having your flu jab too, I have been too much of a chicken to go this time, they normally nab me on my asthma review so I just didn't go! x    Hope everyone else is ok too x ... View more

Hi Mrs Meow,   Thank you.  I love the thought of foot dancing! Well done, another one down.  Enjoy having a rest, sounds like a perfect plan x  ... View more

Thank you Charys, Nuthatch, Shefgirl and Ann.  No bells at my unit, but I did do a ceremonial depositing of the modesty tabard they gave me into the laundry basket as I left for the last time.  I think the poor chap who was waiting to go in to have his treatment thought I was mad! I feel a bit wired tonight, sort of wound up but relieved too.  Odd feeling.  My burny bit are sore and I don't think I am going to be able to put any deodorant on tomorrow, too sore.  Never mind, onwards x    Hope everyone else is doing well x  ... View more