Breast Cancer Now Forum

Hi Littlez, Thank you so much for your supportive message and good advise I really appreciate it. I am so sorry to hear that you had a tough time with your husband and it ended in divorce. I do understand what you mean that it was being made even harder, more depressing and much, much lonelier because you were living with someone who made you feel that the pain and exhaustion were in your head. You definitely didn't need that! My husbands attitude last year knocked me for six and made my fatigue worse. We all need positivity and love and care from the ones around us. Saying and making us feel that we are horrible, lazy, selfish people because of cancer is unforgivable and sadly I wont forget the way he treated me. I don't know how they can do it and it has such a negative impact on our health and wellbeing! Thankfully things here have improved greatly and I am hoping will remain so.  He had a week in bed with the flu which I think reminded him of two things first I want lazy as I was up and down the stairs with food and drink for him all week and secondly what fatigue felt like.  Good advice not to apologise for being unwell... I have been doing so on several occasions.  This illness makes you feel like it's your fault if your not careful especially when the family isn't understanding and caring. Thankfully my daughter is loving and caring and much more understanding of illness than my husband. As I say things are back to normal now and I am hoping will remain so but I am a little apprehensive and worried how things will be in the future if I got worse or have to have the mastectomy due to severe lymphoedema.  This cancer thing isn't easy for anyone and the treatments cause so many problems but at least we are still here.  Thanks again for all the advise. I hope that you are well. Pat x ... View more

So sorry to hear that you have also been feeling so tired since your treatment. Its not easy is it. I do everything I should eat properly don't drink go for a walk and try and pace myself so I can do as much as I can but the fatigue still hits me some days worse than others.  I guess it would be worse if I didn't. Hopefully it will get less at time goes on.  My husband seems to be over his episode, thankfully. It doesn't help when people don't understand  Not easy for anyone this cancer thing! Thanks again for your message and kindness. Pat x ... View more

Hi Jill, Yes thankfully things are much better but I must admit his attitude towards me has knocked me backwards fatigue wise, taking a little getting over.  It was quite awful for a few weeks and he said he thought a divorce was on the horizon.  Thankfully I have a lovely caring and supportive daughter, I don't know how I would have got through those weeks in Nov/Dec without her.  It hadn't been pleasant for her hearing her father being so nasty to me calling me lazy and vile and seeing him throw things around and I was also very concerned what effect it was having on her emotionally which was an added worry, so I am very glad things are back to normal for her sake as well as mine. I am hoping things will remain OK! My husband doesn't cope with illness very well and does lack some empathy and understanding.  It isn't easy for him.  He came down with the flu the week before Christmas and spent a week in bed so I was up and down the stairs all day with food and drink .... I think that reminded him that I am not lazy, as he has been much nicer since.  I have severe lymph in the breast from the radiotherapy and have to do daily massage at home and have weekly MLD however this isn't controlling the lymph and I am awaiting another complete decongestive MLD. I am on daily antibiotics for a year and there is a possibility mastectomy might be needed but cannot be done right now as radiotherapy still working so further healing issues would arise.  I am hoping that it will heal and I wont need the mastectomy but the next few months will tell. It is difficult when people don't understand the fatigue issue as it causes unnecessary stress and makes things worse but as you say they are going through their own stuff too with problems at work etc and the stress gets to them as well. Not easy for anyone this cancer thing! Thanks again for your message, understanding and kindness. Pat x ... View more

Thank you Saskia for the info and advise. If things don't improve I will give one of the nurses a call as you suggest.  Thanks again. X ... View more

Many thanks for your reply Jill. Sorry your hubby has also had episodes of not understanding. I agree family, on the whole, don't understand. The thing is I have been keeping upbeat most days, eating well and doing my best so it feels like a huge smack in the mouth.  Anyway hopefully things will improve soon! Take care and thanks again. X ... View more

Thank you for your kind and supportive reply Wonky and sorry to hear you have received similar negativity from your friend.  Life isn't easy. Take care and thank you  X ... View more

Many thanks for your kind reply Seabreeze. Thankfully throwing things isn't his regular behavior but he can be uncaring.  Yes it was quite an aggressive outburst not pleasant and he hasn't spoken a word to me for a week now since this outburst and yes, unfortunately, his outburst was in front of my daughter. He hasn't shouted at her thankfully, she did however comment on how aggressive his behavior was towards me.  My daughter says she doesn't think her Dad understands anything about health. He should do as he has seen me go through it this year. I did try and talk to him about the fatigue I get and that I was trying my best and it was unjust to speak to me like that calling me vile and lazy. His reply was you are lazy and have always been lazy. Very unjust as I worked fulltime in a very demanding job until I was nearly 40 and paid for half the house in cash from my savings before we got married. I explained that I had been through a lot this year and was doing as much as I could.  The thing is I am doing most chores now and if I get tired I go to bed at 8.30pm to get around it and try and keep the fatigue under control. I am aware that stress and diet can reduce reoccurrence by a third and have been eating healthy and getting a daily walk but concerned as I feel under immense stress right now with his attitude towards me.  I was so upset and annoyed when I said I would leave him, I don't want to leave him but I don't want him to treat me like this either.  He was very good earlier in the year cleaning and ironing but a chat and a hug wouldn't have gone a miss.   I also don't want to live with someone who feels like that about me. Life is so short and the stress is bad for my health.  I have daily exercises and massage I have to do for the lymphoedema in the breast which I normally do am and pm but I am having to push myself to do it the past couple of days because this situation has got to me. My fatigue has just got worse from all this as my sleep is now also affected! Hopefully, things will improve soon! He hasn't spoke for a week since throwing the shoes.  ... View more

Sorry to hear of your troubles I hope that things improve for you. My husband calls me lazy and vile because I am starting to question things he says and does which I wouldnt have before. I feel I only have one go at this life at I dont need to take the carp anymore. He is quite an anti social character so although I have friends I dont see them very often. He doesnt have any friends. I have had stage 2 cancer, with a horrendous amount of complicattions radiotherapy damage and lymphoedema of breast and on continual antibiotics everyday due to numerous infections which has wiped me out. I do my best but some days the fatigue gets the better of me.  The house is far from untidy but he complains. He keeps moving and hiding stuff in places my daughter and I cant find . eg her coat or shoes he says he is trying to make her learn to be more tidy. I ask him to ask her to put them away not hide them as it back fires on me all the time running around in the morning so she can catch the college bus. He wont do that and says I should put things away. He has never had much empathy or love and kindness for me. Yesterday I had had enough and told him off. He leaves his shoes in the conservatory but I guess thats Ok. So I put all 6 pairs of shoes in the hall ready to be taken to the bedrooms he came home threw her shoes on the kitchen Island and fruit bowls and told me I was lazy always had been and was a vile person like my family. He has been nasty on numerous occasions since my diagnosis of BC earlier this year complaining about the food I have made for him, putting my juicer in a cupboard I cant reach, moving my Tamoxifen tablets from the cupboard I keep them in over the kettle so I dont forget to take them.  He doesnt want to be here I wish he would go rather than keep making my life a misery.  I would leave but I have a 16 year old daughter so trying for her at the moment.  I hate this. MEN!!!! ... View more