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Wonky
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since
03-10-2019
309
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287
Hugs
12-05-2022
11:08
1 Hug
Back from hospital from mammo. Think the fact I’m now in the ‘we’ll let you know in 4 weeks’ bracket, in contrast to ‘go nowhere beyond the waiting room’ is massive progress, for me. So another + step forward. Walking in, and out, seeing so many women stoically facing their future was very poignant. I just wanted to hug every one of them. Wonks X
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12-05-2022
10:45
1 Hug
Jaybro / Delly thank-you so much darlins! It’s fantastic to know that this forum is always there for us all, for keeps/ ever. Which is a fantastic thing, as it never ‘completely goes away’, the experience. Without ploughing back over my old posts I know I was always careful to bear in mind that my BC wasn’t as bad as many others. But the post/op scars are ‘epic’ (not likely to be getting a call from Jude Law anytime) and I’m amazed how long the nerve pain goes on for (FFS).
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06-05-2022
03:39
1 Hug
Hey Delly, maybe it is chording. With Covid you don’t like to be ‘a nuisance’, but I agree it doesn’t seem normal. Did trot off to GP last year, but the gist of that was ‘it can happen’. Routine mammo next week, I know it will be eye-wateringly painful and maybe an opportunity to ask Qs. I just don’t like being a nuisance and taking up time scheduled for others. But as long as I’m not whisked from mammo to ultrasound to biopsy to diagnosis in the terrifying speed it happened 3 years ago, 2 hours all told. I guess I really have nothing to moan about. In the greater scheme of things. Wonks x
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03-05-2022
09:31
Hi Delly Darling, 3 years and you have been there every day for me. I think trying some massage is a really good suggestion. Feck da booby hurts still and it can’t be normal (surely?) The pain shoots from the armpit across to the centre. My tumour was maybe in an unusual position? High up on breast bone in centre. Cleavage. Bra size 36A before BC. What do I know? (F all) but there wasn’t much ‘soft and squishy’ to go into (tumour next to rib) and I figure that’s why I got it a bit tough and rough, the docs simply didn’t have much room for manoeuvre in my scrawny bust. But they saved my life!!!!! I have a friend who had BC and you honestly can’t tell, whereas I look like someone who has had the route of The River Nile charted across my left hand side from armpit to cleavage. Sorry everyone, this is pathetic in the bigger scheme of things, but talking about it is helpful. Wonks
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30-04-2022
01:30
1 Hug
Hi Delly and all on this thread. My (anti) views on ‘the warrior approach’ are highly unlikely to change. However, received a letter from hospital yesterday and ‘here cometh’ my present thoughts (don’t read on if easily offended): Three years almost to the day. Seeing the letter in my letter box, yesterday, was the first time the thought of its contents didn’t bring me out in a cold sweat. Literally! Off to hospital again, but for the first time ever feels like ‘routine’ (normal life) not a ‘fear & dread’ situation. so, making sense of my thoughts: this forum makes a huge difference; it clearly takes time to get over the psychological impact of BC; Thanks girls 🌹 ❤️ Wonks.
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24-04-2022
10:22
3 Hugs
I was poking around on the internet and came across “Survival Mode” as a ‘thing’. It’s the first (and closest) description of what I have been experiencing and it’s been a revelation. We are all naturally going to go into ‘survival mode’ during diagnosis and treatment, but someone like me lucky to have been spared, but not moving on, clearly the problem is I haven’t reset my buttons from ‘survival’ to ‘normal’ mode. I figure because of lockdown to a significant degree. Just getting past ‘omg I’m going to be taken by C’ when ‘omg going to be taken by a different C’. Both extreme reactions I know, but it makes sense now …… when you’re ‘forced’ into an abnormal set of circs involving contemplating your ‘chances of survival’ if your subconscious takes that to the extreme, it is hard to win an argument with it (your brain). Don’t expect Shark Cage Diving or Sky Diving from me anytime soon Ladies, but this ‘Survival Mode Syndrome’ makes a lot of sense, so I’ll let you know when I get as far as Sainsburys without panicking. As always, I’m always aware that many ladies reading this have had far worse to contend with and I’m not making light of that. Hugs to all, Wonky As always,
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18-04-2022
09:46
7 Hugs
Hi. As much as I have tried I never became a BC Warrior. The whole experience rocked my world. I have tried to get back to the ‘me’ I was, but clearly she has gone, forever. The post-op nerve pain is a constant reminder. I’ve ditched the Tamoxifen simply to try to feel human again.
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17-07-2021
01:26
m123- if you don’t me asking, how long have you been adapting, with benefit of a boss who has direct experience?
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15-07-2021
03:18
3 Hugs
Wise words and much appreciated. For me, it has been an AWFUL lot to ‘process’ and I’m not done doing that yet. But things are clicking into place, gradually. I think one thing I’ve worked out, is that it can’t be all about the cancer patients (us) adapting to life after treatment, there needs to be a willingness for work colleagues to adapt to us. Oddly, since I went back to work I have had two colleagues ring me with BC scares. One thankfully just a scare, the other unfortunately not so lucky. They both said they hadn’t truly appreciated how frightening it must have been for me. So, I guess empathy is a missing ingredient unless you are lucky enough to be managed by someone who has experienced cancer, first hand. I think the saying goes something like : “Don’t tell me how to walk, unless you’ve worn these same shoes”.
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06-07-2021
06:50
1 Hug
Hi Eglis, that’s a good way of putting it, that your brain is full up. X
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06-07-2021
06:46
1 Hug
Hi Jaybro, yes have spoken to Macmillan. Must actually try the lovely ladies (nurses) on here too. This ‘warrior’ culture is something some of us debated on here some time ago. Did The Aphrodite Club ever get traction?. A wonky hug to you. X
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04-07-2021
11:56
5 Hugs
Hi Ladies. Quick time- line. Diagnosed May 2019. Lumpectomy and rads. Back to work after 5 months. Hit me very hard but I felt (in retrospect) that I had to conform to the general perception that I was ‘through it’. Starting to feel normal again, then lockdown. Basically was coping less and less each week that went b. GP signed me off with “severe anxiety” three months ago. Employer seems to be trying to understand, but the conversations are torture. Was perceived as a Breast Cancer ‘Warrior’ / hero etc (the hype has not helped me) when I was in truth shaken to the core by the diagnosis and the treatment. Plus I have nerve damage/pain for life because of what the treatment entailed. Made my very best efforts to ‘be normal’ again, but unable to cope with levels of stress at work, I would have done pre-BC. Employer seems to not know what to ‘do with me’ which is just adding to anxiety as no ‘reasonable adjustments’ in the frame, yet but I’m desperate to get them in place so I know what I’m going to be doing once I feel up to getting back to work. Vicious circle. He went down route of ‘exploring’ the nerve pain - could my GP confirm it? Not exactly a helpful conversation for me and although GP has confirmed the site of tumour etc has led to this being something I just have to accept as part of the bargain, she said it is impossible to prove I am in pain on a daily basis. Conversations get weird thereafter, as regards pain relief as an option. My answer is NO as I’m not prepared to take pain relief on a daily basis for the rest of my career. Although manager and I have got past this particular matter (I did offer to send a photo of what remains of ‘it’ in all it’s post op/rads glory with its lumps and bumps and contortion, he is now on the tack of do I have PTSD. Tbh I think I might have, I was petrified for a solid 6 months (hated hospitals from childhood). Feel he simply has decided that it’s all just too much hassle, accommodating the ‘new me’ which consists of 1/3 the old me, 1/3 a woman in daily pain and discomfort and 1/3 a ‘basket case’. It is a very weird situation to be in, given chances are very high that I am one of the lucky ones, yet the aftermath has taken an enormous toll on me. Anyone experienced anything similar? Any and all advice would be appreciated. Wonky
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24-06-2021
07:02
1 Hug
Hi ‘Alone’, Everything you say resonates strongly with me. What is always good to remember is you aren’t alone, other women on here instinctively care about you and have responded to your very open, honest and brave post. Let us know how you are feeling at present, ok or needing a matter? 💕 💕 💕 Big hug Wonky
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03-06-2021
12:12
1 Hug
Fiona09, omg hun, such a selfless answer given what you have been through. No it didn’t get into my lymph nodes. Yes, like you and everyone here, I have “lived eaten and breathed” hospitals and treatment and am thoroughly sick of it all. BUT, your post has made me think in a different way and I thank you for that very much. Much love, Wonky.
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01-06-2021
02:24
7 Hugs
Ladies, thanks for all your input. First up I would never try to influence anyone else’s decisions about treatment and I respect everyone’s views. However, I decided last week, to give myself a little break from the Tam. I have no idea how quickly it depletes in ones ‘system’, but I am feeling better than I have in a very long time. Maybe it’s psychological (I feel like I have some control, maybe) but I certainly feel I have more energy and less anxiety. Plus the night sweats are dropping off, which is a joy in itself. I still have wacky sleep patterns, but have had a couple of brilliant nights sleep - woken up feeling really good. As said, this is quite possibly all in my imagination, but certainly something seems different. I don’t advocate ‘googling’ but tonight I did and that actually led me to an article on here (Breast Cancer Now) about drop out rates, which if you chose to find it, you can draw your own conclusions from. As PJWWOO says, how bleepy awful this disease is hard to put into words. It’s SO TOUGH, and I don’t have kids/family feelings to factor in. I’m going to keep going with my (personal) experiment a little while longer. Yes, absolutely I am probably playing with fire, but at this stage I’m pretty convinced quality of life is trumping the worry of chances of recurrence. I’m always going to worry it will come back (does anyone not?) but I think I’d prefer to take my chances, if my old frame of mind has miraculously returned all of a sudden. Please be assured that I’m not dissing anyone on here, I know many of you have had it far worse than me in many ways. Maybe it’s not a great topic to start a thread on, but I do appreciate having somewhere to ‘think outloud’ . Dawn soon and I’ll be outside wrapped up, with a mug of tea, looking at the hills I can see from my garden (they look beautiful at first light) and listening to the birds waking up. Followed by some more (long overdue) weeding. Wishing everyone a good day. Wonky xxx
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18-05-2021
08:14
1 Hug
Hi PJWOO, absolutely I agree that some of us (and the very sad reality is that it is only of us) have these meds. Totally agree that they become part of the treadmill. I’ve done two years on it and I am exhausted. Cancer has played havoc with my mental well-being and with my career. I truly hope you fair better than me. Wonky
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16-05-2021
11:12
Hi Sue, been there hun. I recommend ‘crop top’ stretchy (seamless) bras, you can get them in Asda and such like. They are comfy but enough support in the elasticity to do a bit of ‘adjusting’ so you look even. I think the trick to them is they are as wide across your back as they are across your front. Good luck.
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