Hi, i’ve not been on here for a while & i apologise in advance for the long post - i did used to post on the August 2020 chemo monthly thread, but after i had a bone scan in October (for pain on my collar bone above where i had my lumpectomy) & then further MRI & CT scans last month that has confirmed a bone met in one of my pelvic bones, i’ve felt i haven’t been able to chat on there anymore. The ladies are all lovely & most will be about to or have finished their chemo and i guess i just didnt want to be a downer to them at such a difficult time in their lives. My oncologist paused my chemo (i’d had 4 x EC, due 4 x docetaxel) whilst i was awaiting my scans & results, so i’ve had a 4 week delay inbetween. I’m now back on track with the rest of my treatment - I’ve just had my 2nd cycle of Docetaxel last friday which has been rough, 2 more to go then radiotherapy & hormone therapy still too. My onc has said that i may qualify for SABR treatment for this bone met but i’ve not heard anything yet and i’m due to see him again the 30th December. I don’t think i’ve asked enough questions, like i know that i now have secondary breast cancer so its’s incurable but treatable, but what does that mean for my future? He hasn’t spoken about my prognosis at all. I’m 40, we have 4 children, the youngest has just turned 3 and i look at him and wonder if i’ll even see him start school? I can’t bear to think about leaving my kids & partner. I think i’m just still so in shock with it all, my thoughts go from disbelief, anger, denial, fear, worry, why me? What about the kids, my partner? It’s like i can’t think straight at all. How am i supposed to live like this? Everybody keeps telling me to be positive, which j usually am, but i feel so alone as well as tired & weary from the surgeries & chemo since May. My family & friends seem to still think that once my chemo is finished & i’ve hopefully had this new SABR treatment that will be it, i’ll be better & things can get back to normal. But things will never be ‘normal‘ again. I just want to talk to someone who understands, I’m so scared & lonely. Becci
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