Breast Cancer Now Forum

Hello ladies It's so lovely to see your updates.  Apologies for the radio silence from my end, things been busy at work. @Gelbel am so sorry to hear about your Mum, that is very sad.  Like @Teagold there is nothing I can say to make things better other than I am thinking of you and send a virtual hug too.  The old cliche that it will get better in time is sadly true but I know when you are in that situation you just want to fast forward through the bad bits until you start to feel a bit better. @Teagold everything you say sounds so familiar to me.  As you say every niggle etc I worry myself about constantly.  Social media has a lot to answer for and well meaning people also say things that plant seeds in my mind.  I was out walking with a friend during the week who told me of an elderly lady she knew who passed from bowel cancer.  Had just had a niggly pain in her shoulder and that's what it turned out to be and she didn't survive.  Of course I have been having pain in my shoulder blade on and off for a couple of weeks now so mind goes into overdrive of course.  Another friend has told me that the menopause/hormonal imbalances cause so many issues that you constantly worry that something is wrong.  Well try putting a breast cancer diagnosis into that mix I felt like saying and see how well you cope with all the pains!   I had my bone strengthener a few weeks ago and felt a bit "off" for a few days after.  I don't remember feeling like that the last time so have made a note of it to refer to when I get my next dose in January.  Just had no energy and had to lie down during the day which I haven't had to do in ages.  Does anyone else still get tired? Had my onco check up 2 weeks ago and I told her I had been having stabbing pains in both breasts. She said that was nothing to worry about but wanted me to see the plastic surgeon as my implant port is still there and my implant itself is now like a brick, it's so hard.  So the thoughts around another surgical procedure which I had parked for a while had to come to the fore again as I met the plastic surgeon last week.  My port removal is not imminent but am thinking it needs to come out at some point so may as well get the ball rolling on that.  He has suggested before about removing some of the volume on my other breast and lifting it up a bit but told me it will never look the same as my implant side and will probably always be a bit bigger.  Just not sure I want to go through that because of the risk of infection.  Sounds daft I know but I feel is it tempting fate to interfere with the good side when there is nothing wrong with it but at the same time when I look in the mirror I feel that I look like 2 separate bodies joined together in the middle as my breasts are now nothing like each other - original droopy one which is larger and the implant one which is perkier and brick like! I have also put on weight which I am putting down to the Letrozole and it's not helped by a friend telling me each week how much weight she is losing on Slimming World, it just makes me feel bad.  Am never sure about these kind of diets in the long term.  Trying to cut back by myself and not eat so much chocolate and Percy pigs (very hard for me!) but not seeing much difference so far. Was so sad as well to read about Olivia Newton-John.  She had a lot of years between her first diagnosis I think circa 1992 and then 2013 so trying to make myself feel better with that info but it kind of takes the wind out of your sails when a high profile person with breast cancer passes and people don't get it as they think we should now be "back to normal". Anyway don't mean to sound a misery guts but things can still be challenging at times particularly in relation to decisions about surgery. Hope everyone is enjoying the lovely weather and have a happy Sunday. love Kaz 11x ... View more

Hi @Teagold and all the lovely ladies on our page.   Sorry I have not responded sooner, it’s been a hectic spell. It was great to hear all your news and I hope everyone is feeling stronger each day. I have been full on at work and I have to admit it is taking its toll physically.  Have had to actually go into the office most days in the past few weeks which adds almost 2 hours onto my day with the hours drive there and back.  Is anyone else still suffering from fatigue?  I seem to go through spells where I am fine and then feel absolutely burst.  The SLM lady I speak to said this is normal as you do more when you feel better and then it catches up with you and your body says “enough”.  Bit concerned though that I still don’t have the energy levels that I used to when I finished chemo and radio in June.  In just over 2 months that will be a year since that stopped- I can’t believe it.  Sometimes I think it has all been a bad dream and say to myself “did I really go through all that?” It’s not helped as we have said before by so many people thinking I am back to normal now whatever that is.  My employer has been understanding-ish but as you say @Teagold I am like a 90 year old when I get out of a chair.  Not sure if that’s the Letrozole or menopause or a combination of both.  The sfx of joint pain have certainly not eased as time goes on but I suppose if it’s to reduce the oestrogen I’m not suddenly going to feel that my joints are better when they need oestrogen to lubricate them.  However I know it’s better than the alternative.  Also been having spells of lightheadedness particularly when out walking so going to try and get an appointment with the GP to check it out as it’s bothering me.   Had my hair cut for the first time a few weeks ago.  My hairdresser said it’s strong and healthy which is good.  She managed to blow dry it straight but whenever I wash it the chemo curls reappear.  Am reluctant to colour it as it’s healthy but still don’t love the grey.  I think I underestimated how long it would take for it to grow back but then it had to start from nothing.  I still don’t feel it’s me when I look in the mirror and friends say to embrace the new me but I still quite liked the old version! Anyway realise that I am sounding pretty moany when I should be thinking at least it’s not this time last year when I was going through treatment.  I just wish my energy levels were a bit better but then I have been working long hours on and off so maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I have still to get my implant port removed at some point and consider work on the left side to even it up with the new one on the right.  Will maybe readdress this after the summer when hopefully I will feel fitter to facd surgery. Hope everyone had a nice Easter weekend and had lots of chocolate treats. love and hugs Kaz11 x ... View more

Good afternoon lovely ladies It’s been great reading all your updates.  Everyone seems to be progressing.  It’s hard to believe it’s a year since we all started chemo - it’s the anniversary of my first treatment on Thursday.  I have noticed all the start dates on the forum and I see there is a February 2022 one now.  Glad it’s not me starting the journey. @Gelbel am sorry to hear about the cording but glad you are getting help from the physio.  I don’t have that thankfully but do find things a bit tight on my right side.  If I do any sit-ups (need to as tummy has expanded with all the choccies I’m eating!) my right arm can’t go as far back as the left.  I did the exercises post op but think it won’t go as far back as it used to now.  Interesting to read your comments about Anastrozole as I am the same with Letrozole.  If they are all to suppress the oestrogen I don’t see how changing tablets will make much difference as I had thought about that too.  Feel like my joints are getting worse and am like a 90 year old when I get out of a chair until I get going.  Sometimes I can barely bend my fingers in the morning particularly my index finger so writing can be difficult at times.  I have a check up with the oncologist on Thursday so will mention it to her but can’t see there being much they can do.  Was googling all about oestrogen and it is responsible for so much in the body from your mood to metabolism and joint lubrication that it feels rubbish that ours has to be suppressed even more with these tablets as well as the menopause. Thr effects of that are rubbish too and being ER+ means we can’t take HRT.  Get a bit frustrated with friends moaning about symptoms when they at least have options to do something about it! Like you my hair feels like it is growing out the way.  It is so curly.  Could not be more opposite to the fine brown/blonde shoulder length hair I had.  Going to let mine grow a bit yet in the hope the weight will pull the curls down.  In 2 minds about colouring.  Mine too is salt and pepper (more salt especially on the top).  Don’t really like it as I feel old but on the other hand it’s healthy because it’s had no chemicals on it so wonder if I should leave it alone.  I look at pre chemo pics and don’t recognise the person in them. I am wfh at the moment but my workplace moving to hybrid working from next month.  Think a combination of being in the office and wfh may be best for me.  I do miss the interaction with colleagues.  I have been feeling more tired over the past couple of weeks so mind races worrying something wrong.   Again will ask the onco on Thursday.  Also have more time now to dwell on things so thinking a lot about what I have been through.  Am doing a mindfulness course which I hope will help and there is also a support group with the hospital which meets online every 2 weeks.  My complementary therapist said a patient had felt improvement in joint pain by using magnesium spray and cbd oil.  I have read about the cbd gummies and presumed these would not be an option.  Again I’ll ask the onco.  Am certainly feeling more anxious these days which I know could be menopause driven but never sure if it’s that, the Letrozole or a combination. @Leftygurl so glad you will be getting plastic surgery soon for your portacath scar.  What an awful time you had.  As you say you can then look forward to the summer and wear non high necked clothes.  Well done on doing all that exercise which is great.  I am trying to walk most days. @hopeful1974 hopefully you will bounce back soon from your ovary removal op.  As you say probably for the best getting it done.  Glad the citalopram is helping and fingers crossed it keeps the menopausal symptoms at bay.  I need to get my implant port removed at some point but putting it off at the moment as need to consider symmetrical surgery on other side too.  As it’s not urgent I am leaving it for a bit as want to be a bit fitter and stronger physically before having another op. @CrazyCatLady am so pleased your daughter has a proper diagnosis now and will get the help she needs.  Glad your herceptin jabs done and your hair sounds fab. @Teagold hope your foot is getting better and @Rainbow70 hope you are doing well too. love and hugs Kaz11x ... View more

Sorry I pressed post by mistake!  Merry Christmas ⛄ ️ 🎄 🎅🏻 ... View more

Good afternoon lovely ladies Just wanted to wish you all a very Happy and hopefully Merry (I know I will be partaking of a glass or 12 of fizz!!!) Christmas when it comes and hopefully Covid free too. It has meant the world to me to have the support of all you lovely ladies on this forum during what has been one of the most if not the most difficult periods in my life.  What a year we have all had.  We have climbed the highest of mountains and planted those flags on the summit and we are here to tell the tale.  It’s been some journey for us all.  As @hopeful1974 said if only we all lived nearer and we could have raised a glass to each other in person.  All I can do is send virtual hugs to you all and thank you for all your advice, support, love and words of encouragement. I had the final inflation of the right puppy a few weeks ago.  It has been a bit tender but I suppose it has been stretched so not surprising really.  I wished it a Happy Birthday last Friday as it was exactly a year from my surgery.  At least this year I can spend Christmas Day with family as spent the day on my own last year.  The docs said it was too risky only one week post surgery in case I picked up an infection.  Next appointment is for bone strengthening infusion mid January but putting that out of my mind for now. @Teagold glad you had the mole removed and fingers crossed nothing further required on that front. Have a lovely time everyone whatever you do and here’s hoping 2022 is better for all of us. love Kaz11 x ... View more

Good evening lovely ladies Just been catching up on all your news, it’s great to hear how everyone is getting on. @CrazyCatLady  I hope your dear Dad is a bit better now.  What a battering your family is having.  So unfair.  Hate to admit it but feel I am getting bitter about people who seem to sail through life and yet some of us get more than our fair share landed on us 😡 . Well done re getting the cross trainer, am sure it will make a big difference.  I am still going for walks but not so easy on days like today when it has poured from the heavens all day and also dark.  Maybe need to get into my Joe Wicks again.  Was so fit pre all this and now notice that waistbands are tighter - the menopause middle aged spread clearly is a real thing as I don’t seem to have a waist anymore (percy pig and cadburys may have a lot to do with this though!).  Need to up the abs exercises methinks. I hope your heart MRI and oncology reviews go ok and that’s great news being halfway through the herceptin jsbs. Like you I am not sure if I am pacing myself too well.  Sometimes I am still shattered and I am 11 months post surgery and almost 6 post chemo and rads.  I tend to think that I should be “normal” by now and beat myself up for getting low.  People say be kind to yourself but not sure how if that makes sense (don’t mean to sound needy when I say that).  I know we’ve all been through so much and I was so disciplined and did everything I was told during treatment but now I’m not so good with my fluid intake etc and eating too much rubbish.  Anniversaries of diagnosis, meeting the breast surgeon, meeting the plastic surgeon, notification of op are all occupying my mind at the moment which isn’t a good thing.  Need to give myself a shake and get out of this slight slump I feel I’m in.  Usually love Christmas but can’t believe it’s nearly here and so not ready. Feel reassured like you with the follow ups.  I feel I am going to a safe place when I am at the hospital and they are now starting monthly follow up catch ups with the chemo nurses via zoom with patients following feedback I gave them on a call recently. It is interesting what you say about CBT.  I have always been told by my counsellor that distraction is a good technique when I am feeling anxious so keeping busy helps me but as you say we are not always able to do that now.  Maybe I need to try some other coping strategies. Thanks for mentioning about the eyelash and eyebrow regrowth cycles as I was starting to worry that my eyelashes were looking shorter again so it’s good to know several growth cycles are involved- this is why I find this forum so great.  May invest in Revitalash. My hair I feel has now gone bonkers!  When it is just washed it’s straighter but as soon as I put the follicle booster gel on it goes really curly.  My hairdresser is on mat leave so i think I’ll wait til she comes back before I do anything else with it.  So much for the sleek Linda Evangelista crop I was hoping for by Christmas!  Hey ho at least that thought got me through some difficult times when I was losing my hair. @Gelbel glad you were in and out quickly with your Zometa infusion.  I am due my second one in January.  Will be in a bit longer as they need to check my bloods first.  Can’t believe it’s almost 6 months since my first one. As for the “celebs” - rant away.  Can’t be bothered with these patronising folk who act like they are the first to go through it.  Try being us and having to get treatment in the height of covid.  As if BC wasn’t bad enough we had that on top.  Nothing like a good rant I say. Am glad you found the Moving On course helpful and you have made a new friend.  So good of you to mention us too.  I found the course helpful but there was only one lady on mine in Scotland but no one kept in touch which disappointed me.  I was hoping to meet some kindred spirits but it didn’t happen unfortunately.  I have gained more from this forum. Good luck for your mammogram on 16th and laughed out loud at your comments on the initials! @Leftygurl good luck to you too with your mammogram on 6th and hope you enjoy the Moving Forward course. @Teagold so pleased your biopsy was clear, what a relief.  How did you get on with the onco?  Hope your compression sleeve helping too. Funny you saying about the radiologist “breaking up with you”.  I think we put so much faith in these people as our lives have literally been in their hands at times that it feels strange not seeing them so regularly now.  On a call with the chemo nurses another patient mentioned seeing the same breast surgeon as I have.  Felt kind of weird (probably sounds silly) as I am sure I am the favourite patient! 🙈 . I saw the plastic surgeon last week - exactly one year since I had first met him.  We both agreed that I have been through enough this year so no immediate rush to remove the port from the implant and if I want symmetrical surgery it can be done anytime in the future.  I got another inflation which he said would help with the capsule lump I found recently.  Back again tomorrow for another inflation.  I thought this might even the sisters up (or the puppies/puppers) as I now call them but the right puppy is now fuller so looks even more perky while left puppy just looks saggier and a bit sad.  Think I may have the surgery but maybe think about it in 6 months time.  Find myself talking to them now - think I’ve lost the plot! @Teagold you asked about my work.  It has been full on and I was tired and a bit off after my flu and covid jabs.  I worked at an evening event on Friday which was tiring.  Was so glad to get home and have a bath (that was the night of the storm) so was anxious on the drive home.  Work now very quiet again so I don’t have as much to do and more time to think.  Am still way off firing on all cylinders at work.  Not sure how well that will go down with them as I thought I would be fit again by the end of the year but it would appear not.  Need to remember though that I am now classed as disabled as far as they are concerned and they need to treat me accordingly. Anyway dinner is ready.  Love to all you fantastic ladies as always @Rainbow70  and @hopeful hope you are ok too. Kaz11x ... View more

Morning all @Rainbow70 so sorry to hear about losing yout step Dad.  Life can be so so cruel.  Sending lots of love and hugs to you and your family. @Teagold hope you got on ok with the biopsy results, let us know. love to @hopeful1974 @Gelbel @CrazyCatLady @Leftygurl  Kaz11x ... View more

Sorry chemo brain! Love to @Leftygurl too x Kaz11x ... View more

Good morning everyone and thanks so much for your good wishes re my appointment. Like you @Teagold although I don’t like going for appointments as such at the hospital there is a familiarity about it and I feel like I am going into a safe place if that makes sense.  I also know I am seeing people who understand. I arrived early on Tuesday as didn’t know what the traffic would be like due to the COP conference so ended up having a good blether with the BCN before my appointment.  Anyway surgeon examined me and said he didn’t think there would be anything showing on my mammogram.  I find some areas tender on both sides and always worry but the mammogram on my non surgical side was clear so that was a relief.  I asked loads of questions as usual and said I had been really anxious as had felt like I was being hit over the head with stories about secondaries in the build up to my appointment.  So much so that I hate to admit when I was out for a walk one day that I convinced myself it was inevitable it would come back and was writing my obituary in my own head!  Anyway he said it’s not inevitable and said to remember that my boobs are sisters and not twins (sorry @CrazyCatLady)! which I thought was a good analogy.  He wants me to stick with the Letrozole which still makes my joints ache but I suppose that is preferable to cancer!  Bit disappointed but hey ho.  Think he would only have changed it if I had crawled in on all fours! He also said they would not remove the left sister as a preventative measure as that would be too aggressive an approach in my case.  Next stop plastic surgeon later in the month to discuss port removal and discuss if anything needs done to the implant capsule after rads which has caused it to constrict.  Still to think about surgery on left side - I change my mind on this all the time.  Came out of the appointment feeling better but like you @Rainbow70 the appointment was my year anniversary too and as you say the diagnosis, op etc was all as clear as day in my head again. @Teagold hopefully the biopsy done on the lump is ok.  Like you I had this a few weeks ago although as mentioned above I was told it was the rads which had caused this.  Totally get the anxiety around it though so sending hugs.  Typical though when one worry goes and another appears re the mole on your foot.  Know what you mean re trying to get a GP appointment so if I was you I would speak to the onco about it when you are going soon anyway.  Hope that despite this you are enjoying the reflexology. Glad you got your COVID jab.  I was getting fed up waiting and also stressed but a letter came in at the end of the week so I get my flu jab and the booster next Sunday.  Concerned that I will get both at the same time in the same arm but that’s what they are doing up here. As everyone on here has said I totally agree with sticking only with the supportive friends now.  We have all climbed mountains during all this (and harder for us during COVID) so don’t need the additional stress of people who are not worth bothering about any more.  I am saying that but I know how hurtful it is.  Also fed up with work colleagues making a drama about not having known about my diagnosis.  It’s not about them it was about me trying to deal with the diagnosis of a life threatening illness and wanting to keep it private.  They need to deal with it.  Try walking in our shoes before criticising!   On the work front am so busy at the moment that I was burst last night.  Will calm down in a few weeks though and then I will take some time off. Have a nice weekend all and sending love and hugs to @CrazyCatLady @hopeful1974 @Gelbel  PS also finding my balance at times not the best either!  What are we like??!! Kaz11 x ... View more

Fantastic pic @hopeful1974  You smashed it, well done you! Hope you have been having some well earned rest this weekend and getting lots of TLC. Love and hugs Kaz11 x ... View more

Hi ladies @hopeful1974 I am so sorry to hear your last chemo was postponed.  I can only imagine how you would have felt being psyched up for it only for it not to happen.  I remember the relief (not sure that’s the correct word) every time I got my blood results back knowing I was getting the chemo.  Hardly something you look forward to but I just didn’t want it delayed so sending big hugs.  Hopefully your injections will have worked and you can finally plant that flag at the summit.  Both yourself and @Leftygurl are an inspiration climbing Snowdon that is amazing! Fantastic achievements both of you and the C25K too absolutely brilliant. @Leftygurl I totally get the anxiety of returning to the unit for your second bone strengthener.  I have only had one but due my second in January.  I remember getting the first one post chemo.  In a way I was actually looking forward to seeing the nurses again as they had been so good to me and all said how well I had done with the chemo etc.  However I have to be honest (think this is going to sound a bit pathetic) that I actually felt a bit deflated as they were so busy with new chemo patients that I felt I wasn’t important any more.  I know that sounds like I am needy and wanted attention but it wasn’t like that.  They just couldn’t give me the same amount of time as I’d had during chemo as there were people on the start of their chemo journey who needed them more than I did that day.  My Zometa wasn’t going to take as long as the chemo to infuse so they popped in and out but I know they felt bad not spending too much time with me.   Also with you re working from home.  I am trying to tell myself that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages but I do find it very isolating and monotonous.  I just need to remember that it’s better in winter particularly not to be doing an hours journey there and back.  I wonder now how I ever managed it before.   Am so sorry that you had such an awful time with the portacath which should never have happened.  You must be so strong to have dealt with all that.  Hopefully the plastic surgeon can help you too.  Big hugs to you. I am starting to get anxious about my check up on 2nd November as I know I have another procedure sooner or later to remove the port from my implant and possibly tweak the constricted area caused by radiotherapy.  Another op no matter how small seemed so far away after my mastectomy last December but now it’s getting nearer I am feeling the dread.  As we have said so many times before people don’t get it and no matter what I say to friends they just all think I’m through it now.  That’s why the support of all you lovely ladies means so much. Love and hugs to everyone. Kaz11 x ... View more

Way to go @hopeful1974! That is such a milestone reaching your last chemo.  Well done you!  Great to tick that off the list and as others have said it’s your turn to stick the flag on the summit of that mountain you have climbed.  Be very proud of yourself.  Good luck with your oncologist appointment.  I take a notebook with me to every appointment.  Loads of questions and I write down all the answers so I can refer back to it later.  Brain fog still there in my case so another reason to keep notes! Sending hugs Kaz11 x ... View more

Good afternoon everyone  As always the support on here is priceless and I appreciate all your lovely comments after my last post.  You just all get it when sadly others so don’t. @CrazyCatLady am so sorry to hear about your issues with radiotherapy.  That must have been awful having to be poked and prodded for such a long time while they tried to get you into position and as for the disappearing tattoos they obviously didn’t do them properly first time around.  So unfair you had to get them redone.  Everyone told me they didn’t hurt but I found them quite sore and considering how many other jabs etc we have been put through in this whole treatment process that’s saying something.  Fingers crossed the next session is smooth. I hope you also get your financial support sorted and well done for taking the extra time off.  As you say we need to take time to recover.  I don’t get paid unless I work FT as have used up all my sick leave so feel I don’t have much choice but trying to wfh as much as possible.  Was in the office last week one day but had to lie down when I came home as was shattered. Let me know how you get on when you start Tamoxifen.  It was mentioned about me changing to that potentially.  Also great news re your daughter’s appointments and your CBT sessions too which will hopefully help you both.   @Teagold totally get where you are coming from re the tastebuds.  I had a glass of Coca-Cola when I was out for lunch last week and it tasted so sweet I could barely drink it.  Think I am so used to water and squash these days.  I have never liked diet fizzy drinks as the artificial sweeteners leave an awful after taste in my mouth.  I did do a lateral flow to check re other “c” word as the coleslaw I had also tasted salty and I wondered about the change of taste but the test was negative. Re the hair comment you will not believe but the woman actually does the admin for the HR department!  Will take on board @CrazyCatLady that I do not have this hairstyle out of choice.  I know friends mean well when they say I suit it as they flick their shoulder length tresses but there is no way any of them would choose to have what I have now.  It’s getting curlier so can’t do anything with it.  It’s growing out the way instead of down.  So much for my sleek straight Linda Evangelista-esque style by Christmas! @Teagold I am still getting my reflexology sessions every few weeks which are great and also get some reassurance as the therapist is from the hospital.  Going to take a half day round my next appointment as going back up to my desk after the session kind of defeats the purpose.  Also booked a spa day for the start of December which I am so looking forward to as love the pampering.  Also have tickets for a concert then too but am getting nervous about being in such a big crowd. As you say the nearer it gets to my yearly check everything is flooding back from last year and can’t stop thinking about it and how scared I was.  It’s like returning to the scene of the crime so to speak. Totally with you that it feels more terrifying this time.  The docs are keen for me to have the symmetrical surgery so will discuss at my appointment.  Again can’t stop thinking about it and don’t appreciate people’s comments about it being a cosmetic procedure I am considering as if I am going for a boob job a la Jordan.  Wonder how they would feel seeing a very lopsided version of themselves in the mirror.  Easy for them to pass judgement. Well done on the C25K and your 20k walk that’s fab.  I am exercising but not as much as I would like.  The stiff joints etc hold me back a bit as my body can’t do what it used to which is hard to take.  I shuffle too and totally get your anxiety around the other lump and biopsies.  I was up to high doh too when I discovered my wee lump.  Fingers crossed all ok and have a great holiday.  I so love the calmness of the sea too. @Rainbow70 well done you re your swim that’s fantastic. I can totally relate re not going out without a wig as I kept things pretty private too.  Anyone I know who isn’t aware of my diagnosis would know something had happened seeing my hair like this.  Have only gone out a couple of times without it knowing I would not come across anyone I knew where I was going. I am hoping to take some annual leave in December.  I am tired but it’s a bit of a catch 22 for me as working keeps me busy and my mind occupied whereas if I have too much time doing nothing and thinking my anxiety increases especially as you say when we read all this stuff about secondaries.  It’s freaking me out as that’s all I’m seeing at the moment and then makes me question my diagnosis and wonder if it’s inevitable that it will come back.  I know that’s negative thinking but will speak to the doc about it at my appointment as my mind is racing with it all at the moment. I am still taking the anti inflammatories although they are not doing much for me.  Let me know how you are getting on with the amitryptiline as my GP mentioned this to me as an option too.  Thought diffusion sounds interesting so will need to look it up and I must try and fit in yoga at some point to see if it helps too.  Trying to juggle everything now I am back working FT is not easy. Also no word of flu jab or covid booster yet.  GP’s surgery only doing over 80s and housebound patients.  I would have thought cancer patients should be a priority but apparently not.  I’ll get a letter from my health board to go to a mass vaccination centre apparently. Anyway love and hugs to all.  Hope @Gelbel you are still enjoying your holiday. Kaz11x ... View more

Hi ladies How are you all?  Apologies for the silence over the last few weeks but things have been manic work wise but have been catching up on all your news. @Gelbel you will still be on holiday at the moment I think so hope you are having a blast.  You will probably not see this until you are back.  Glad you have your appointment and can hopefully get somewhere now.  As with the hair ruffling I would have been furious!  We are not like puppies or kittens to be petted.  Well done you on answering back.  I would have thought of something clever to say after the event no doubt as I was sobbing about it at home.  Some people really are the limit.  It’s as if you become public property post BC.  I certainly need to channel some of your inner strength.  I have a hair story myself but more of that later. @CrazyCatLady how are things with you?  I hope your daughter is progressing now you are on the counselling route.  I really hope that makes a difference to you all.  Good to hear you are having more time away from work too which will help and so good re the swimming. I like swimming on holiday but find it a bit high maintenance the rest of the time.  Usually have to wash hair etc but just realised that would not be a concern right now! @Teagold totally with you regarding all the psychological effects of this.  I actually feel it is all starting to hit me now especially as I approach the anniversary of my diagnosis next month.  I can remember it all as clear as day and being so anxious about having an op for the first time.  Back for my yearly check up and mammogram next month too.  I hope your daughter has recovered from COVID.  It’s still very much out there.  Who would have thought we would still be dealing with it over 18 months down the line. Like you I am worrying about every ache and pain.  Joints still ache despite the anti inflammatories from the GP which are making little difference.  I know I am now post menopause but in my mind I can only put all this down to Letrozole.  I think a discussion with the surgeon about changing my meds is on the cards as the achiness wears me down particularly mid afternoon when it seems to get worse.  Maybe I am doing too much but get so frustrated that my body can’t do what it used to.  I am told though that I need to remember how much I have been through.  Our bodies have been hammered.  Like everyone am fed up with everyone thinking I am fine now.  I did join a private Facebook group for people with BC but have had to block it as I was finding it upsetting particularly with all the chat about secondaries on these platforms at the moment, it’s too much for my brain right now. It mentions about aches and pains - I have that all the time right now!   Working FT is also challenging.  Again people think that means I am running on full cylinders but am so not.  I had to lie down when I came back from my weekly visit to the office.  Just felt burst.  The fatigue comes and goes.  I forgot how manic it is pre events and found this when I had one last week.  Thankfully not on site at the moment but was dealing with so much.  Was in the office last week and met a colleague who I had not seen since lockdown.  Chatted through my treatment and told her my hair was short and silver now and it made me feel old.  Also said I feel it will be another year before it’s a decent length.  I had my wig on but showed her a pic of my hair au naturale.  She actually LAUGHED and said it was so not like me, I did look old and at least I could keep wearing my wig for another year! I was so gobsmacked I didn’t know what to say.  Could have done with @Gelbel being there!  Felt really upset about it when I got home.  I wouldn’t do it but I could have her disciplined for that - making fun of a disabled person as we are classed now.  That on top of all the BC secondary stuff got me on a bit of a downer tbh.  I also need to think about symmetrical surgery.  Wasn’t keen at first but am so lopsided now I am considering it.  The thought of another op scares me though. Anyway enough moaning from me.  Big hugs to all. Kaz11 x ... View more

Good evening all my lovely friends  Just wanted to say a big thank you to you all for your lovely messages of support after my scare on Tuesday.  It means so much to be able to share how I am feeling with people who totally understand where I am coming from.  You all mean the world to me. @Rainbow70 I am so sorry to hear you have been struggling but it’s totally understandable that you feel that way especially with what happened to your mum and sister.  The compassion focused therapy sounds interesting.  I have never heard of that.  I would be interested to hear more about it.  Glad it seems to be helping you.  I think the emotion of all that we have been through catches up with us all post treatment.  During it we just have to keep going from one treatment to the next and then when it stops we have time to reflect on all we have been through and it hits us like a ton of bricks.  A friend said to me that I’d not cried much during treatment but I have done now and I nearly flooded the car park when I came out from my appointment on Tuesday.  Just felt overwhelmed with it all.  My friend who had taken me couldn’t understand why I was upset when I’d had good news.  That is the crux of it all for me with friends who are great but just don’t get how traumatic this whole thing has been for all of us and you don’t just get over it in an instant.  I had the same tonight after walking with another friend.  She was pleased I got on ok at my appointment and said I had done so well but maybe now I need more distractions.  I take everything to heart and I know I am over sensitive but I felt like she was saying that I need to stop talking about it now and move on.  Easier said than done and easy to say when you are not the one going through it.  They would know all about it if it happened to them.  Sorry for the rant but it’s just the way I feel. Re my phased return @Rainbow70 I am back to FT as of next week.  They clearly expect me to be working on full cylinders when in reality by mid afternoon I am burst and have run out of steam.  Not feeling the love from my work colleagues, let’s put it that way! Although I don’t feel the anti inflammatories are helping greatly I forgot to take the tablet yesterday and knew all about it today.  That gnawing ache which feels like growing pains and just zaps my energy was back today big time.  It wears me down so maybe the tablets are helping more than I thought.  As I said though I may ask to change as the surgeon said if I still find it difficult with the Letrozole.  He said it’s all about quality of life and if I don’t have that on Letrozole he doesn’t want me to keep on putting up with it. He really is so nice and understanding and has a lovely manner. Anyway my lovelies my eyes are almost closing.  Thank you again for all your support and thanks for the yoga recommendation @Teagold will need to give that a try.  Have also signed up for a free mindfulness course run by a cancer charity in late October.   Night night Kaz11 x ... View more

Hi everyone  Just a quick update from me.  Went to see the surgeon today about the lump I found.  He said the radiotherapy has caused the capsule around my implant to constrict and that’s what I’ve been feeling.  It was very tender when he was checking it.  Also feel like my arm is pulling a bit on that area despite doing all the post op arm exercises I was supposed to do.  It’s all linked.  Portacath scar also tender but I was told that was to be expected too.  It was a big sigh of relief.  I am due for my yearly check and a mammogram on the other side in November so feel reassured that I am going to see him again in a couple of months.  I had a good cry in the car when I came out I was just so relieved.  I clearly didn’t appreciate how uptight I was about it until I came out of the hospital.  He said plastic surgeon may have to do some adjustments on the area when he removes the port from the implant. I also told him that I am finding the sfx of Letrozole difficult.  The anti inflammatories which the GP gave me have not made much difference.  He said if it is affecting me badly they can put me on tamoxifen as there is not a massive difference between the 2 even although I am post menopause.  So I’ll keep going with the Letrozole until I see him in November and if it’s still awful I’ll discuss changing with him.   So am off to bed.  Hopefully will get a better sleep as I am like a burst ball now. Night night Kaz11x ... View more

Afternoon everyone  @CrazyCatLady I am so sorry to hear about all your troubles and the worry around your daughter.  The wee soul must be struggling and what with everything you are dealing with yourself it is no wonder you had a meltdown.  Totally and utterly understandable.  My heart goes out to you.  Sending massive hugs.  Hopefully the courses and counselling will help you.  It’s one tough journey isn’t it.  I have said before that I was so naive going into all this.  Had no idea the lasting effects it would have in so many ways.  It sounds like you have a very supportive employer at least.  Can’t say I have experienced the same.  My manager has been good but this is the last week of my phased return and FT here I come.  Am getting the usual vibes that people think I should be “normal” now.  What even is normal now??!!  Thankfully I’m mostly wfh at the moment and they agreed to me not travelling around for up to 6 months but now gettIng the feeling they are under p and keep telling me so.  I think they want me to say I’ll return to travelling asap - wrong!  They agreed it so can deal with it I’m afraid.  Am so not used to putting me first but we very much all need to do that now. My GP called last week.  I told her I was struggling with joint pain on Letrozole.  It wears me down.  By late afternoon I am burst.  She prescribed anti inflammatories but so far don’t notice much difference.  Silly me thought I would be able to run around like Bambi after taking them but no unfortunately. She also mentioned amitryptiline to me.  An old school anti-d apparently which in the low dose she described would be to help with joint pain and insomnia.  I said I’d think about it.  Will give the anti inflammatories a chance first. Also found a small lump in my reconstructed side last week.  Cue call to nurse.  She said it may be scar tissue but have an appointment with surgeon on Tuesday to get it checked out.  Putting on a brave face but bricking it.  A former nurse friend said it’s too soon after treatment for it to be something bad but we all know on this awful rollercoaster we are on that nothing is certain and just when it slowed down and I thought I may be able to jump off it has speeded up again.  As someone else said it’s easy to say these things when you are not the one in the thick of it.  I know she is just trying to be supportive.  Could cry at the drop of a hat.  Have relatives staying for a few days which is great but just kidding on I’m fine in front of them. Sorry for the rant but I know I am amongst friends here. @Gelbel hope things are settling down for you.  Will check this message for typos before I send as hands feel so arthritic at times that I can hardly bend my fingers (thanks Letrozole). Big hugs to you all @CrazyCatLady @Gelbel @hopeful1974 @Teagold @Rainbow70  Kaz11x ... View more

Hi everyone  Hope you are all doing ok today on this Wednesday (hump day).  Sun looks like it’s poking through here although forecast is for thunder and lightning tomorrow 😢 . Great to see everyone’s news. @Gelbel any update on your appointment?  Hope you are finally getting that sorted out.  Thanks so much for the confidence boost re my hair.  It’s getting wavy now though it goes more that way after I put the follicle boosting gel through it.  Am actually starting to enjoy running my fingers through it.  It feels soft but much thicker than I had before.  It was so fine previously that it went everywhere even in a wee puff of wind.  Nowhere near long enough for that yet but feels quite good as it doesn’t move much so is low maintenance at the moment.  A friend said I should cut my wig a bit shorter if I still feel nervous about going out au naturale and then when my own hair grows down more it won’t be such a transition between the 2.  Will have a think on that one as my own hair still has a way to go yet.  I’ve always tried (via my wigs) to look as like my previous self as possible and with the best will in the world no one would believe I have the current length and colour through choice. I know grey is in but there’s a big difference between the dyed grey/silver the 20 somethings have to the natural salt and pepper.  Someone said to me that going out au naturale is part of acceptance as I need to accept the new me/the new normal.  I still don’t see “me” in the mirror but am sure that will come in time.  Much better than I was about seeing myself now. @Teagold not surprised you are tired on rads. I felt like that too.  Glad you find the environment friendly.  My onco has suggested yoga to me as well, do you have any youtube/online recommendations?  Walking is my exercise of choice at the moment.  Think Joe Wicks may be a step too far for me yet. I am now working 4 days and back to FT in 2 weeks time.  Got the pay thing sorted out eventually but just annoyed as I shouldn’t have had to.  If I’d not challenged it I would have lost a substantial amount of money.  It’s also as someone says you get one day of sympathy and then it’s back to normal.  Feeling those vibes now as I am going to be expected to go back to full pelt with no hand holding when back to FT.  I was only helped during my phased return. Been feeling more tired lately.  Was out a walk on Friday and had to lie down after.  First time I’ve had to do that in ages so was surprised but I suppose I am now upping my hours and having to get up earlier as opposed to whenever I felt like it (usually 9ish). As you say @Teagold think the psychological effects just kicking in now I have time to process stuff.  At times it seems like a dream (a bad one obvs) and I say to myself “did I actually go through all that treatment especially chemo?”.  Am sure that sounds daft but that’s the way it’s making me feel. Also so sad about Sarah Harding.  I know all our journeys are different but I still find it very upsetting seeing that happening as it’s still BC connected and certainly gave me a bit of a jolt. Currently sitting here waiting on GP to call.  They surgery receptionist said the hospital wanted me to have a catch up so here we are.  No specific time (they are not running to schedule apparently) so I am hanging around all day as a result.  Did some chores but frightened to do anything noisy or even put radio on in case I don’t hear the phone.  Going to speak to her about Letrozole as finding the aching joints hard going.  Hands now feel like I have arthritis when I get up in the morning. Anyway better go.  How are you @hopeful1974 , @CrazyCatLady and @Rainbow70? Kaz11x ... View more

Hi ladies Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate your support so much.  As you say @hopeful1974 and @Teagold this is the forum where we can be so honest with each other and say exactly how we are feeling, both good and bad.  It’s good to be able to rant when we need to get things off our chest (not a good pun!).  I said to a family member at the weekend about my joints aching and his response was along the lines of I have got rid of the cancer though and ignored what I said. Finding that with so many people who think you should be fine now that the active treatment is over.  Hello I am still on other meds for 7 years but they seem to think that’s nothing.  I suppose it is compared to chemo but it’s still having it’s own effects on my body which I didn’t have before and that’s the point none of them seem to get. As you say @Gelbel recovery is going to take much longer than originally thought.  I think sometimes I forget how much treatment I have been through as have we all.  The chemo is there for a reason and I need to remember it’s a serious thing I’ve had.  At times it still feels a bit surreal like it has been a bad dream and it didn’t really happen to me. Thanks re the revitalash info.  Any update on your follow up appointment yet?  Great news re your parting.  My hair has swapped over and is now growing from a main point on the other side of where my parting used to be.  Odd but just delighted it’s coming in and possibly slightly thicker which is good as my hair was so fine before. I had my first haircut on Saturday.  Had to get all the original longer strands cut off.  It is quite short at the back but hopefully it will now grow more evenly.  My hairdresser said it was strong so the Nioxin must be doing it’s job.  She didn’t charge me bless hair.  Said this one was on her as she was so pleased to see me.  I nearly burst out crying, it was such a kind gesture.  Friends said I should go out without my wig now but I still feel I have a cancer hairstyle yet and am not confident enough to do that - maybe when it grows a bit.  I still couldn’t face questions from people I have not seen for a while as it’s obvious my hair wouldn’t be like this without something drastic having happened.  You don’t go from shoulder length brown/blond to salt and pepper very short crop out of choice - well I wouldn’t anyway.  Fingers crossed it continues to grow quickly and I will have my Linda Evangelista style from the George Michael video before too long.  If only I could have her face too…. 🤣 @hopeful1974 another step along the treatment journey for you.  Keep crossing those days off and you will get to the end.  Hope you are enjoying your break in Wales. @Teagold thanks for your lovely words of support too which meant a lot.  It’s a tough old road we have been and continue to be on and it helps so much to say what I really think to those who understand better than anyone else. Like you my sleep is not great.  Now back to my 2 hourly sleep slots which must be menopause related.  Certainly didn’t have these issues pre BC when I had to stop taking meds which helped it. Got paid today only to find that they still haven’t paid me back for last month so cue yet another email to HR.  I really don’t need this.  They should be supporting me but maybe that’s me with my naive head on again.  Don’t see why I should be out of pocket for another month. Re a follow up appointment I’m not due back until November to see the surgeon for my yearly check up.  Have appointment with GP next week as she wants to see how I am.  Will definitely discuss the Letrozole sfx with her but don’t want the anti-d’s.  I was told by someone else the sfx should settle down after 3-4 months so here’s hoping.  I am at the 9 week point at the moment. Glad you enjoyed the reflexology.  It’s great isn’t it.  I will be continuing it every few weeks for sure. So glad you enjoyed your concert too and cry all you like you are allowed to bubble all you want as far as I am concerned.  Lesser mortals than us would have caved by now.   Take care everyone and thanks again you lovely ladies or should I say warriors for your unflinching support, you are all superstars in my eyes. love Kaz11 x ... View more