Hi @pips88 @yjj @UmLydia @emarveling and @KITT on this thread for Feb surgery. Just want to say thanks because it's defo helped me feel less alone to read your posts. You all seem braver and more positive than me but no doubt your struggles in private are just as hard or harder. What's killing me right now (pardon the turn of phrase) is that I seem to have lost my ability to handle things or stay positive. I'm a mess. Not helped by the fact I sent my son to his dad's...If he was here I'd probably try harder to keep my s€&t together! But I'm just staggering from one tearfest to another at the moment, it's not great. They spent about 6 weeks looking for my primary cause I turned up with a swollen lymph node. 2 MRIs, 2 mammograms including a 3D tomosynthesis, 2 ultrasounds. A breast biopsy showed DCIS. They spent a lot of money on me! I had an axillary clearance with partial mastectomy on the 15th, overnight stay with a drain at home for 8 days. The pathology showed a 4mm primary tumour with 2 involved lymph nodes of the 18 they removed. So I'm very very lucky. And I know some of you have much worse things to deal with. But I just can't stop wailing. I'm so angry they did an axillary clearance for just 2 cancerous nodes. The recovery has been so painful and exhausting. But I sound so ungrateful!! I think loads of unresolved stuff from the past has come up and that's why I feel so sad and out of control. Oh lads, I'm sorry for the long self-obsessed post. I've been so isolated, and I'm terrified by how emotionally out of control I feel this week. But again, thanks for your posts, they have really helped. Aileen xx
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Hi everyone... Been trucking along with this BC thing since first week of January. Oh yes, happy new year mwah ha ha (warning: that was the only cheerful part of this post). Well anyway, I started off being quite stoic. At one point I think I may have actually said 'I've been preparing for this fight all my life', by which I think I meant I've been through a lot (childhood trauma, addiction, bereavement and such) and so I would surely be able to handle this. That turns out not to be the case and I feel foolish now when I realise how arrogant I must have sounded. In fact, this experience has dragged up lots of unresolved stuff that has led to a massive amount of grief since my lumpectomy and axillary clearance 2 weeks ago. The whole of life just seems a pointless waste of time when it is filled with so much sadness and waste and then you get a stupid disease like BC. I know there are feelings we have to deal with, with this whole BC thing, and I know I sound rational in this post, but other times I feel nearly out of control. I have a history of issues like depression from years ago, so I'm afraid of where I might end up. I know we're told not to Google stuff but I don't trust anyone least of all doctors, so of course I did. I wonder why I got a level 2 clearance leaving me with a potential disability, I'm scared of side effects from radiotherapy and how chemo shortens your life, and I'm especially worried about Tamoxifen making me crazy. So much so that I probably won't take it. My partner says he's terrified. That should tell you a lot. I sent my 11 year old son off to his dad's for a couple of weeks thank goodness so he's not here to witness my breakdown. My partner is exhausted. I hate myself for being so weak. I know ye all suffer too, and many are going through far, far worse than me. But there is no let-up from the sadness. What am I doing wrong?
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