Hi Mandy
We can all say we know exactly how you feel, its a very dark place to be, but there is light at the end, I know you cant see it now, but its there - you just gotta go through the tunnel.
I was Dx'ed back last September, my whole world ripped to shreds in a instant, my mind took me to places I didnt ever hope to visit before my golden years, but I had to deal with it, and I came through, just like you will.
Every horrid thought you have, I had. Every tear you cry, I cried, every bit of anger you feel, I felt, every bit of fear you endure, I endured. Each day, as you go through your treatments, you start to feel the mist of fear leave you, yes it hovers overhead but you find ways of pushing it to one side and get on with you life becuase you have to recognise having cancer IS NOT a death sentence. Its a illness, yes a disease, but there are more people alive who have had it than there have been people who didnt make it - always remember that. The odds are on your side. Yes there are no guarantees, but life never came with a guarantee and like Janice very clearly put it above, the chances of being killed in your car are higher - but we still get in them..becuase we have to move in a forward direction.
I remember the days i cried so very hard, devastatingly crying, I can never ever remember crying the way I did when I was dx'ed, I planned my funeral (in my head), i cryed tears of anguish and pain when I thought I would never see my boys get married, I was p*****d off that I wouldnt grow old with my darling husband and do the things we'd planned to do in our golden years......this went on for weeks, but slowly and surely as treatment got underway the fog and hurt and anguish just started to lift to the point today I only rarely have down days when I start over thinking.
Im through chemo.....totally doable even though there will be shit days, Ive had an Mx - i accepted that from day one even before they told me Id have to have my breast removed, they took it and im over it (sort of), im just getting over cellulitis and then ive got rads to go.
Im here, im fighting and I aint got no intention of leaving my family just yet.....and I know you havent either.
Everyone of the women on BCC will help you through this, we owe it to each other to be a force not to be messed with, our knowledge is amazing - you need to know somethng, someone here will have the answer - just have to ask and no question is stupid - every question is valid.
Im still on the rollacoaster too Mandy, havent got off it yet, but I will soon, and you will be right behind me. Your future is just ahead of you....keep chasing it.
Chin up - its gonna be OK.
Lisa
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