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Buzzard
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21-05-2014
6
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04-08-2014
11:01
Okay ladies (and any of the odd gentlemen), I want your suggestions/help. It has been a long year. First there was the discovery, then the surgery, and some repeat surgery, now the wife is going through the chemo. So she has had 3 rounds of FEC and a week ago had the first of the 3 tax. I have to admit I think she was burying her head in the sand about the side effects of the tax and the first round has hit her really quite hard. I am sure as many of you have already suffered she is really bad with the mouth ulcers and barely opens her mouth at the moment. I am feeding her the most bland and innocuous foods I can find at the moment. She has the aches, the tiredness etc. But most of all she is deeply distressed. During the FEC the final week before treatment she was distressed but was able to manage it by keeping very busy in the garden. Now she does not have the energy to do that. She has plenty of time to mull things over and is talking of giving up on the rest of the treatment because she just can’t face it. I, as a rather distressed husband do not really know what to do to advise her. Obviously the doctors would not put her through this if it was not going to improve the prospect for the outcome of the final treatment. I will support her in whatever decision she makes but now have a guilt trip about trying to persuade her to carry on because I can see the suffering it is putting her through, but at the same time want to see her have the best possible outcome for the treatment.
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23-07-2014
04:24
Hi Folks, It took me a bit of time but I finally found this thread again. Thanks for all the kind words. I just feel I am living a life of highs and lows which kind of reminds me of my teenage years when, in retrospect, I think I got quite depressed, which is something that I really don't want to return to. It can just be a bit difficult when I seem to be getting pulled from pillar to post at work all day and then when I get home I am getting asked to "Do this, do that" along with being chief entertainments officer. I do realize that my wife may not have spoken to anybody since I left for work in the morning so I can understand her frustrations, but sometimes after a fraught day all I need to do is sit down in a chair and read a book or something. My wife does actually keep herself quite busy during the day, she is a enthusiastic gardener and is fortunately off work over the summer so she can find plenty to keep herself busy. She does also has a circle of friends and gets out to see other people during the day, but it doesn't happen every day. She does keep busy mainly to keep her mind off the treatment, and I get the feeling from her that if I do not keep as busy as her then I am letting the side down, which can be difficult after a hard day at work. We are now into the particularly difficult week, leading up to the next treatment and she is already fretting about all the different drugs she will be taking along with the treatment. Anyway its not all bad we are both on a bit of a high at the moment because on Monday we witnessed our Son's graduation. So we did the ceromony, and had a meal afterwards with his girlfriend's family. With the happiness of the day and talking to others it took the pressure off me a bit, although getting to it was a bit fraught. Next weekend we have a christening to go to in a town about 2-3 hours drive a way so I am suggesting we make a weekend of it and visit a national trust type garden or something similar on the other day. I suppose my problem is that we go out and do all of these things when the drugs allow but then get thrown back in on ourselves when they don't. I know my wife's intention is to make the most of the moments that she can which puts the treatment out of mind, but that does mean that treatment day does come it comes crashing back in on us when it doe hit. Anyway bye for now.
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15-07-2014
10:46
Hi Jeff, I do not even have half your problems and I am struggling to cope as a carer. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year and is currently part way through the whole gamut of treatment. We have had the surgery, and are currently going through the chemo. I cannot fault the NHS or people around us for the sympathetic treatment my wife has had. However, somehow there seems to be little comprehension from the outside world that although obviously as a partner you are not going through the same physical journey you are still going through the same emotional journey as the patient. I go to work, and on a personal level my boss was initially quite sympathetic, but I am aware that I have not been functioning as effectively as I could have and my work is now being closely scrutinised. When I get home my whole life revolves around making sure that my wife’s world has everything she needs. There is a distinct lack of anybody to talk to. One of my wife’s colleagues is very friendly and willing to talk to me but I am a bit afraid to open up to her about how I feel deep down because I suspect it will only get back to my wife and she will feel the guilt pile back on her shoulders for disrupting my life. That is a difficult circle. Most men do not know how to talk about a partner with cancer and will shy away from any conversation that I need to have. I do have a female colleague who does make a good listener but talking to her has left me rather physically closer to her than most wives would generally tolerate. There is the whole can of worms around emotional support from a (slightly) younger woman and all the (well founded) physical insecurities that breeds in one’s (unwell) wife which I really don’t want to open. There have been many moments over the last few months when I would have been quite happy just to switch my life off and let it restart when all of this is over. I do realize that is a slightly impractical goal. All of the above comes across as a bit heartfelt and I apologise if it is hijacking somebody else’s thread but I just felt a need to write something. I guess I am just coming back to the title of the thread and don’t really know what to do myself apart from just keeping buggering on until life becomes a bit better again.
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21-05-2014
02:14
Thanks for your swift replies. At the moment my feelings tend to mirror my wife's feelings along with the slightly bizarre circular situation of me trying hard not to show (too much) that she is being a burden to me, when obviously to both of us know she is being a burdern to me and her not trying to over burden me even when she knows (she knows because I told her) that I was happy to sign up for the bad times as welll as the good. Difficult to explain, but I hope you get a sense of my meaning. I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who have been, and are being, subject to far more extreme caring situations than I am in now so I don't feel I have a right to complain too much. i just feel I need my own voice sometimes.
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21-05-2014
11:36
Hello, So after 30 years of marriage my wife discovered she was suffering from breast cancer, since when both our worlds have been turned upside down. At the beginning of the year we had just started making plans for celebrating our 30 years together when she said don't make too many plans because something just does not feel right. So the summer is on hold and I need somebody to talk to. Both sides of our family have been great and so have her colleagues but any conversations we have with most people is as a couple and while I do not make a habit of keeping secrets from my wife there are times when I need somebody to talk to by myself. I do have a couple of colleagues who are willing to listen to me but I do get to feel just a little bit lonely and dispirited at times.
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