Oh cw17, I am so sorry. It does put a terrible strain on everything doesn't it. At one point during our argument yesterday he said, I cant take much more of this, I am this close, so I screamed, well just leave me to die alone then. When he asks what wrong-sometimes I too spit out what do you think is wrong, Im tired, I am in pain, Im tired, I have cancer. It's all soooo boring, even to me, so God knows how he can put up with it. Don't get me wrong, I am doing great by all accounts, but it is the constant COPING we have to do. I am sick of COPING with this. It's exhausting. And the majority of my family and friends just don't see any of the hard stuff, because we protect them, and present our best possible selves all the time, try to stay upbeat and leave the c--p for when we are on our own, or just with the OH. Its awful. I can't go back to being who I was, to my old life (I used to be the life and soul, so much fun, always upbeat, happy, optimistic) but I have changed-this awful disease is changing me, in ways I don't particularly like. And then inside, is the vulnerable ball of the old true me, who is dying inside with emotional pain at the thought of leaving my autistic daughter to cope in the world without me. As you say, I am not crying for me, I am crying for her. I havent told her anything yet because I cant cope with her knowing, and seeing the pure terror on her face at the thought of her mum leaving her-I am a single parent-her dad sees very very little of her and she has no relationship with him to speak of. Its one day at a time for sure. But I do get so much support from this forum, and from all of you. Its comforting to know others get how hard this is, even though I wish you, like me, didnt have to deal with it at all. Lots of love and hugs, Mowser xxxx
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