Had my 1 year check up today and Im clear, should be happy but Im emotionless as I typical am 95% of the time. Will this ever improve ?
Diagnosed june 2017 , stage 3, ER, her2 positive . My sister was diagnosed 1 week after me, also stage 3 breast cancer, we later discovered we have BRACA2 gene. required mastectomy, ended up having 6 months of chemo, very ill during chemo, hospital admissions, treatment stopped, 2 allergic reactions so chemo changed twice to find one my body would tolerate.
Chemo finished end of January 2018, within 2 days my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my sister and I nursed him till his passing in May. I have also had my ovaries removed and am waiting on op to have my other breast removed and double reconstruction.
I have no self confidence, will not meet/face people, i have 5 people in my life I see and have totally cut myself off from everyone. Im frightened to be happy or make plans in case the cancer returns.i am having counselling (had 12 sessions) and it does help dont want to resort to anti depressants, as taking tablets for high blood pressure and stomach issues (all new issues since chemo), also doing mindfulness.
Does anyone have any answers??
I hate being like this, im so fortunate im still here and should be making the most of every healthy day not wallowing like I am.
I’m so pleased you’ve been given the all clear Sib x You were one of the first people I ‘spoke’ to on the forum as we were diagnosed about the same time and you really helped, thank you. I haven’t got any answers, but wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and sending a hug. You’ve been through a really tough time and so it’s understandable that you feel the way you do, I hope things become easier for you soon xx
Hello Sib,
I will be 2 years since diagnosis in Sept - and I still feel I am wading through …well something!
Please try and be kind to yourself. You were only diagnosed last year and still undergoing active treatment (with the Herceptin?), have had your ovaries removed and waiting to have your other breast removed and on top of that your dad dying and your sister being diagnosed with cancer as well,
My goodness you, your sister, your family have been through a lot so I hardly call what you are going through wallowing. Most people on the site may have breast cancer but our experiences will not be the same. It takes time for us to individually process things, accept them, put them in their boxes, feel comfortable with that and move on. I don’t think you can just snap out of it so to speak. I do hope the counselling is helping you.
For what it’s worth, I usually find writing down what is in my head helpful and then deciding if I need to do something further with it. I am on a mission at the moment to clear my head of various things that I have not been able to deal with for some time. It’s going well!! I have also been falling into the trap of “why didn’t I do this before?” blah blah. Of course the sensible side of my head is responding “because maybe you were not bleeding ready to deal with it for whatever reason”. At times it has been an emotional journey and no doubt will continue to be but hopefully it will continue to feel less traumatic.
Sometimes I like to be with people. Sometimes I just like to go for a wander on my own. . I am no “hippy” chick but going on walks and appreciating the scenery/landscapes/coast and historical ruins does it for me. I live in a city, however I do not have to venture far to find rivers, sea, parkland or whatever.
Why not take a risk and some small steps. What sort of things do you enjoy/did you enjoy? It does not have to be anything mega. Try not to be afraid to make plans - maybe just small ones and see how that goes. You have every right to enjoy life whether you have cancer or not.
Sorry if have not been much help but I really wish you and your sister all the best x
Sib
Hello my dear, congratulations on your 1st anniversary all clear, it is a scary time. I think you are being a little hard on yourself, it is only ajust been a year since you have been diagnosed and you have been through so much in that time all the issues you have had to go through with your treatment, dealing with the fact that your sister having bc and your dad passing, it is an awful lot for anyone to have to cope with. I totally admire you for how you have handled it, AND you are still here lady, so well done you lady, so proud of you
I am glad to hear that you are having counselling and that it is helping, honestly you will get there my darling it is just going to take a little bit of time, I dont have any answers other than you know we are here and always will be whenever you need us to talk, rant, rave whatever
Sending you lots of hugs
Helena xxxx
Hi Sib, I can tell you I was still reeling a year on from diagnosis and hadn’t had to cope with half of what you have, It’s only now you’ve had the chance to sit back and actually take on board what has happened so it’s no wonder you are struggling.
We have to work through our emotions and are allowed to be angry and sad and fearful long after active treatment has finished, life just doesn’t snap back to normal no matter how much we feel it should.
You are not wallowing, you have been through a huge amount of mental and physical trauma and it will take time to recover from this, there is no time scale , one minute life is trotting along as normal then the next bang a bomb is dropped and we have to try and deal with the fall out without any warning , it’s a wonder we cope with it at all really!
From my experience it took a good year from end of treatment for me to begin to feel any sense of normality come back to my life and to enjoy my own company again, something I had always loved but couldn’t cope with after diagnosis. You have a lot to work though with what has happened to you all but you will get there just don’t put any expectations on yourself, there is no time scale but it will happen. Xx Jo
Thank you all so much for your supportive replies, im in tears reading them.
Ive been told by many people that Im too hard on myself, but I truly thought I would bounce back as soon as chemo ended.
I hate cancer and dont want to let it win x
Hello again Sib,
Just a quick reply. Good to hear you sounding more positive. Be kind to yourself. You will bounce back. X
Sib Im 6 months post treatment had 1st mammo recently clear, just wanted to reach out whilst going through chemo my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and like you we had him at home to be looked after was with him when he passed just over 2 weeks later from diagnosis it was a very distressing and surreal time him being diagnosed and passin in the time of my 3rd and 4th chemo like you hwd problems and reactions to chemo change of drugs hospital admissions etc and now still having some counselling you have tbe added impact if your Sisters diagnosis and a braca result so Sib be kind to yourself wow girl i know how i bloody well felt like i really couldn’t cope with much more but i am on the up again much to the thanks of my local Maggies Centre for the counselling where now course where i met some wonderful people exercise classes and a make up and pamper event next Thursday evening it has all helped me massively, don’t get me wrong my experiences are still there in my mind but im beginning to feel less traumatised by them, as the ladies on here have all said all of our stories are different and so unfortunately when we are going through the most challenging time in our lives we also experienced a really traumatic loss of a loved one xxx remember how ? you are Sib you made it to the other side and i hope you and your family are well x
Chick thank you, i think what I have learnt through all this as is with everyone who goes through a bc diagnosis and treatment our resilience to tragedy and the awful of it all is quite remarkable it has taken me now to realise this im not going to lie there was a time not that long ago when i felt broken like i had already somehow died inside i still have some tough days but not as often now this i why i could resonate with how Sib must be feeling going through a similar experience during her treatment to me, i owe my life to tbe NHS but Maggies my mind they picked me up when i needed it and my wonderful counsellor made me find in myself the strength i didn’t know was there, my dad bless him never got the chance to have treatment and wanted to remain at home with my mam, and it was awful and cruel to have him taken away so soon, but time is a healer and although i will never forget him i also think if the happy times so thank you again chick i have chosen now to look at my life as a gift i have been given a second chance and Sib so have you, you will feel like this yourself again ? we are all strong ladies and this forum has proved that ??? take care everyone xxx
Hi Sib
Well, you’ve had loads of lovely responses of support and praise to you. I echo what all the other ladies have said and that’s great news on your 1st yr check up.
Firstly, my sympathies to both you and Mishy, for the loss of your Dads. (I think I already said that to you elsewhere Mishy, hello again flower). Both in a horrendously upsetting way. So you still have a great deal of grief to overcome, which people respond to in such different ways and time lengths.
You haven’t mentioned a husband or partner - do you have one, or are you without that support of an important other, so to speak? Children? Are you working at the moment or not?
Does your counsellor suggests ways to help you perhaps gain back some of your confidence in going out, mingling with people? I also wondered if you might be able to get to your local MacMillan or Maggie centre, just pop in to see what they have to offer “Moving Forward Courses”, relaxing alternative therapies to give you some tlc and a bit of a lift, or classes in something that interests you, but also puts you socially in touch with other fellow BC women. You’d already have a common bond, and be able to have a good natter with about BC and hope fully create a network of friends, whilst doing and sharing something stimulating. Could you go with your sister perhaps, as a prop for each other if you’re a bit wobbly. Is your sister struggling in the same way as you??
After all that you’ve already been through, you still have another mastectomy and bilateral recons yet to come, so it doesn’t surprise me in the least that you’re feeling so low and fed up. Do you yet have a date for that?
I really hope, once all that’s been completed and all the prolonged hard slog has come to an end, the recon also gives you a big confidence lift/boost. I think it will. Be like getting your old bod back again. It certainly did me, fantastic boost, even though I’m only part way through implant recon, just getting two bumps back in front that were actually permanently part of me.
I also wonderif you’re body’s still fatigued and recovering from being slammed with chemo.
As far as fear of it coming back, it’s very normal to feel that in such early stages. It will start to get better, I promise. I’m 11 and 12yrs post cancer. Took me a few years to stop worrying about the “what if”, and for it to stop being at the forefront of my mind and is now in a very small pocket at the back of it. Crops up occasionally, only natural, but not very often. At the end of the day, none of us can be certain it won’t. But it may NEVER, so why worry about it before it does. That’s just allowing it to rule our lives, cos that’s what it’s currently doing to you, instead of gaining back some control of our lives again.
What ARE you interested in, Sib?? Give us a list, see what we can come up with. This is a great place to brainstorm, with loads of helpful people already here, but without pressure. Or just write yourself one. Anything you’ve really wanted to do? to aim for, give you a direction?
Much love to you sweetie and to all you other lovely women on here
Dellypoos xxxx