We told our kids about my diagnosis today. I am due to go for a lumpectomy in a couple of weeks and will definitely need radiotherapy but unsure about chemotherapy until after the operation. We have been given a positive prognosis and we wanted to be positive and upbeat in telling the kids that I did have some bad cells that were a type of cancer but that the doctors were going to take it away and give me some other treatment to make it better.
The younger two (6 and 10) seemed to take it ok although the littlest doesnāt really understand. Unfortunately my 11 (nearly 12 year old) didnāt react well and has been very emotional. He is a real worrier and has had anxious spells before so I did fear this and even debated telling him at all. But we wanted to be honest and to prepare them all for me being a bit sore, tired, ill etc.
His teacher knows but I just want to try and give him some practical ways to manage his feelings. We watched a film together this afternoon. His Dad took him for a walk this evening. He had a cup of camomile tea and we bought him some lavender sleep spray. His Dad has stayed with him in his room now trying to help him sleep but he just keeps welling up constantly. I feel terrible.
Poor little love . I guess our kids have to go through a mini version of what we do when we learn about our diagnosis -shock sadness ,grief and then find a way to live normal life alongside it .You are doing all the right things , hopefully he will feel more at ease once your treatment gets underway and he sees you are actively getting rid of the cancer .The school will hopefully be able to access further resources for him if you need that .
Thank you. He seems to accept that they will make me better initially but he keeps asking what if it comes backā¦ this is definitely the hardest bit so far
Hello @blue80
Iām so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, dealing with your own emotions at this time is hard enough but as a parent it is very much an added layer to manage your childrenās emotions.
My daughter had just turned 12 when I was diagnosed, thankfully she seemed to cope very well when we told her, but she had had limited exposure to cancer at the time. There was a boy in her class who had a diagnosis of a nasty cancer when they were in reception, he went through some gruelling treatment and came back to school fighting fit and running around with all the other children albeit with hearing aids due to damage to his hearing. I donāt know if this affected my daughterās perception of my illness.
For the time being I would ācarry on as normalā as much as you can, keep your children in their routine and as your treatment progresses explain in whatever language you choose to explain why things might be a bit different today from what usually happens on a day to day basis, this will hopefully seek to reassure them that their world isnāt changing.
Absolutely reach out to the school and any other support services as they will know how to support your child and you as parents
Sending you (and your family) lots of hugs and support as your treatment progresses
AM xxx
My 11yo suffers from anxiety too, and has found my diagnosis really hard (Iām on chemo at the mo, and a trip to hospital with sepsis combined with her moving up to secondary school has resulted in a challenging few months!)
definitely talk to school - they will have a pastoral support worker who can help, and potentially counselling they can refer to (my 14yo has this at her school)
Hope Support have been amazing for my kids, providing free online weekly counselling sessions. Definitely recommend signing up: https://hopesupport.org.uk/
weāve also found hypnotherapy really useful. If you canāt find/afford a practitioner there are some scripts online. The Hot Air Balloon and Control Room are great exercises for this age group
Itās so hard on tweens as they have the capacity to understand the magnitude of a diagnosis, but havenāt yet developed the skills or resilience to deal with it.
Iām trying to be as positive as possible (desperately trying to keep some hair as this is important to my 11yo) and to focus on getting to the end of treatment and a positive outcome. Hope some of this helps, and best of luck with everything.
Iām just over a year on from my cancer diagnosis and had similar challenges. My son was 10 at the time and his fear for me came out as anger. He was particularly upset every time I had chemotherapy. For him our honesty was really important, and he was very upset that I hadnāt told him about the lump to start with. So I think you have done the right thing by telling them - itās something that would be difficult to hide and put huge pressure on him. The following helped:
Talking it through with him so he knew whenever i was going for an appointment and what it was about - a no surprises approach. Marking up the appointments / treatment on his calendar was helpful
Going to art therapy at the local Maggieās centre so he could express his fears in a different way
Getting the Tiger cloud box from the Dragonfly collective. Itās expensive, but had some nice ideas that you could follow e.g. writing down emotions good and bad and hanging them on leaves of a tree/ a worry monster that he could post his worries into and that we could chat about. Cancer Cloud Kits ā Fruitfly Collective
Relatives that he was close to reassuring him that everything would be alright
Trying to keep life as normal as possible for him i.e. going to his football matches even when I felt unwell
I let him shave my head which he loved (this is one to manage as I was imagining Sinead O Connor, and he was going for full baldness!)
Lots of treats for you all - watching movies, having nice food
We told his close friendās parents and told them about the first few rounds of treatments. His friends wanted to know how to help and what to say to him. A big thing for him was feeling like he was the only one at school who had a mum with cancer who could die. Hiding that and appearing normal by wearing wigs during chemo helped. When he found out about another parent who had it he relaxed a bit.
Over a year on post mastectomy, radio, chemo etc he is much more concerned about secondary school than my health. We have down played the risk of recurrence. Itās there and not small, but I havenāt told him that. As far as he is concerned, they have cured me. For many breast cancers that is the case and is something to stress.
I really feel for you and others on this thread who are facing this with young children. Itās very tough, particularly for the tweens who, as Vanelliope says donāt yet have the resilience or coping strategies to deal with it. We ended up with one of us sleeping with him throughout most of the treatment because he needed it. There is no right or wrong - you will have tough times, but you will get through it. If any of you need a chat, Iād be very happy to speak. Breast cancer nowās Someone Like Me service also has volunteers who will have been in a similar situation. Sometimes chatting really helps. Take care Lisa xx
Lots of good ideas and things to help there. I will work my way through it all
He struggles to sleep on a Sunday eve anyway but thankfully he was fast asleep not much after 9 last night and he did trundle in for a cuddle at 6.30 but at least he had a decent sleep. He was very teary again this morning and initially didnāt want to go to School but I told him I really wanted him to go and have a good, busy day. His form teacher knows so he can speak to him if needed (really nice man who he likes) and I said he can tell his friends or not depending on what he wants to do. I am totally relaxed on that.
I think I may ask for some counselling through School and art therapy is a great idea as he loves art. He really loves reading and playing guitar too so going to try and get him into the habit of doing that as much as possible to help him unwind.
He broke his toe at the start of term (the day before my biopsy!) so is only just getting back to sport this week. Hopefully the extra running around will burn off some adrenalin and help with his sleep too.
I really appreciate all of the above. Glad I messaged Good luck to all of you in getting well and staying well. I know it is a different journey for everyone but knowing that you are not alone is massive xxx
Hi all,
Such fantastic messages here and I will also make use of your suggestions. Thank you.
We told our two children (aged 12 and 10) and it felt like the right thing to do for us. We didnāt tell them about unknowns, but waited until we had some answers so that we could keep the news as clear and certain as these things can be.
There were tears to begin with, but that did settle down once they started to see I was coping.
I donāt know whether you know anyone who has had cancer and who is now well. I found this to be the most helpful for my children. They have certain associations with the word ācancerā and we wanted them to know that people can be cured. My mum has had breast cancer twice (the first time 25 years ago) and she is still going strong. We just kept saying ālook at nanny, sheās absolutely fineā. That really, really helped them. If there is anyone who could say to your son āIāve been through it and look at me, Iām fineā. Just to take some of the fear out of what it means to have cancer.
Wishing you all the very best xx
My youngest struggles with anxiety and I was worried about telling her. She cried a lot at first but eventually adopted the tone I had which was thereās nothing to worry about, they caught it early, treatment will go fine although it will be difficult, and Iāll be back to normal. And thatās the sentiment I portrayed and still portray. They donāt need to know my fears and they donāt need to know the long term statistics of this thing. If you keep on portraying confidence, his confidence will start reflecting yourās.
Thank you. Yes this is a good idea. They do know people who have diedā¦but more who have got better. My middle sonās good friendās Mum is just recovering from breast cancer. Herās was bigger than mine we think and she is doing really well. It hasnāt been easy but she looks amazing. That does give them some confidence. I did chuckle a bit though when my 6 year old asked me (24 hours after we told him) if my cancer had gone yet? Good luck to you too xxx
Hi, youāve had some great replies here already that will hopefully help you, and also help me with my anxious 12 year old. Sheās an only child, has anxiety already, and my mum has had BC 4 times (she is fine but last time was only Jan this year). So my daughter was super worried, knowing Nana has had it and is ok wasnāt a help to her as she just saw Nana + Mum = sheāll definitely get it one day. Iāve had genetic testing now and have told her there is no evidence itās genetic. I found a book at my local Maggies called something like āeeek, my mummy has breast cancerā and I thought it would be really helpful. Unfortunately though between initial diagnosis and then further tests the woman in the book got āworseā so my daughter is constantly thinking that the cancer is growing all the time and next time I have an appt Iāll be told itās spread all over. So weāve tried to be very factual, explain stuff etc. I had surgery a few days ago (lumpectomy + reconstruction using tummy lipo + lymph node removal), and sheās been ok. She had a therapist for her anxiety already so thatās really helped. I think when we find out if chemo needed weāll go through another low with my daughter but just staying as normal as poss, being open & honest (albeit in a slightly sanitised way) is good. My consultant offered to speak to her to tell her that āmum is going to be okā and sheās going to come to the first bit of my follow up appointment to meet him next week.
Hello @anonaug23
Iām so sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter: my daughter was 12 when I was diagnosed 2 years ago and is also an only child: I really do feel for you
Iām not sure I can really offer any meaningful advice other than to say it sounds like you are doing all the right things talking to her and involving her as much as you can: ultimately I think all you can do is take one day at a time and help her to do the same, face each day as it comes and hopefully it will become easier. Donāt be afraid to ask for help, speak to your daughterās school: trust me they will know how to help and support her in keeping things as ānormalā as possible whilst you go through your treatment
I think as grown ups sometimes we forget that our children donāt necessarily see the world the same way as us: weāve all experienced different things and have different perspectives on what happens in life. Personally I feel that sanitising life and hiding things from our children is counter productive, so itās okay for our children to see us laugh and smile but itās also okay for them to see us cry: I speak as someone who lost their dad when she was 13 (not cancer) and that has meant my relationship with my mum is probably very different to what it might have been
Sending you lots of love and support for both and your daughter as you continue through your treatment
AM xxx
Good luck to all of you in getting well and staying well. I know it is a different journey for everyone but knowing that you are not alone is massive xxx
Good luck to you too xxx