Hi everyone, about a year and a half ago my mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer (a rare form) she had treatment but was told there was an 80% chance of it returning, and yesterday she had a lot of scans and was told that the cancer had returned and spread to her bones, so she has 3-5 years to live. I’m shocked and devastated as I can’t imagine a future without her…She’s like my best friend, I’m very close to her and I want her to see me getting married/having children, and until recently I never had to deal with death in my (small) family and then last June (a year after my mum was diagnosed) my grandmother (her mother) died and we were hoping 2012 to be a more positive year and I can’t believe it to be honest 
I think I’m going to go home from uni this weekend to see her but I will feel quite guilty coming back Sunday night. My boyfriend is being very supportive but I feel like I can’t think about it otherwise I’ll get upset so is it better to just not think about it?
Sabrina
Deep breath and don’t panic! Bone mets doesn’t mean your mum is terminal and as for the 3-5 years, there are many women living well with bone mets for much, much longer than that.
Your mum will either be treated with hormonals or chemo and it will depend on the amount and sites of the mets and whether the mets are hormone positive or not as to where she starts. There is a lot of info on this site and the Macmillan site too.
Don’t start googling bc or bone mets cos the stuff that comes up is scary and most times out of date.
I’m sure you will start to feel more reassured once you have seen you mum and managed to talk to her about her treatment plan. Get her to come on the site for a chat when she,s ready.
Hugs to you both
Laurie x
Hello Sabrina,
I am so sorry to read your news which, as you say is shocking and devastating. I’m sure you Mum will be thrilled if you go home this weekend to see her, because she will be very shcoked and frightened too. She will also want - and need - you to go back to Uni and do your very best to live life to the full. As Alesta says. she is not terminal, and she can get good treatment for her cancer.
About the three to five years - this is medical speak, not an exact science. What they say is, based on their past experience or reported data, most people will live this long. The thing is this is just an ‘average’ and your Mum is unqiue. Plus a lot of the data is from people treated many years ago. Treatment keeps being improved all the time, and there are some amazing ladies on here who have lived - and I mean lived, not just survived - for many years after diagnoses of secondary breast cancer. Your Mum is not ‘bound’ by these statistics.
I wish I could make it right for you, but obviously I can’t. What I can do is send you a big cybe-hug and assure you there will be poeple along soon with words of comofrt and encouragement for you. In the meantime, please feel free to post as much as you like, or to phone the helpline people (number at the top of the screen) and they will be glad to listen, help and advise.
Sabrina I know how hard this must be for you - it is almost like reading my own story except I am the mum. My daughter was going thru uni when I was going through a couple of diagnosis of breast cancer. The one thing that disturbs me about your post is you say " so she has 3-5 years". Who has said this because honestly know one truly knows how long any of us have with breast cancer. Stay away from googling because all the facts there are often so out of date given that we have many new treatments since I was first diagnosed in 1990 - 22 years ago! Then mine spread extensively to my bones in 2002 so that is now 10 years with bone secondaries. I hope your mum will find her way to these forums and read about the many women here with bone mets who are living well with it. So be encouraged by these facts and if your mum has been told her prognosis is 3-5 years then share this with her. She will find it very hard at first getting her head round this diagnosis but I hope once they start treatment which is usually bisphosphonates for the bones, and then depending on the rest of her diagnosis - if she is her2 positive it will be herceptin, and if not possibly chemotherapy.
Go home and enjoy her company this weekend and remember you have a life to live as well so don’t feel bad about going back on Sunday. I have lived to see my daughter married and we have our first grandchild, and hopefully another :). Go plan your future and hopefully your mum too will live with pride to see her daughter fulfil hers.
Dawn
xx
Dear sabrina
I am so pleased you have already had support from other forum members. As Revcat mentioned, please consider also giving the Helpline a call for information and support. They are open from 9-5 on weekdays and 9-2 on Saturdays. All calls are free and confidential. The number is 0808 800 6000.
Take care
Very best wishes
Janet
BCC facilitator
Hi Hun.
Please take on board the excellent advice offered here, go home and give your Mum the biggest hug ever! Sounds like you both need it! please bear in mind many of us have bone mets and are responding to treatment. I am taking calcium, vit D tabs and a monthly IV drip of Zometa. My tumour in my hip bone is responding to the treatment and every 3 months (when I have a CT scan) they can see new bone growth and a shrinking tumour. My Oncologist expects me to be a pain in the bum to him for quite a few years yet!!!
Statistics and graphs do NOT show stats for women on the latest drugs/treatments. these are old stats when women were on old fashioned ( if anything at all) treatments.
Bone mets are NOT the death sentance you may think they are, my oncologist treats secondary cancer like a chronic disease, in the same way as diabetes and MS are. I plan on being around for some years yet and hopefully so will your Mum. Please send me a message if you want to, happy to be a shoulder to cry on… Phone the helpline as well - they will really help you. Lots of love to both you and your Mum.xxxxxx
Sabrina,
Just to say I whole-heartedly agree with everything in the replies left for you. Dawn is one of the ladies who have lived with bone mets for years who have always inspired me.
I was diagnosed with bone mets in July 07 at the same time as my primary diagnosis aged 42. The team treating me told me that although they couldn’t cure the cancer, they could manage it for a long, long time and there were lots of drugs and treatments they could use. I’ve taken things as they come and have had the odd blip but am loving life as I retired from work early and plan to do all sorts. Currently I’m on hormone tablets and like horsie5050, zometa and calcium tablets. No-one would ever know I had the cancer unless they were told.
Enjoy the weekend with your Mum and family - you being there will make a huge difference and perhaps ‘settle’ your mind a wee bit. Then go back to uni, even though it won’t be easy, enjoy your studying and social life, then look forward to your next visit home.
See if your Mum will come on here and join the bone mets thread or chat with similar ladies on a Tues night.
Good wishes all round, Liz
A lady I know was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer to lung, bone and brain, she was told she would have 18 months to live. This is more than two years ago, her recent MRI scan just in January showed no progression, she is doing well!!! So please take heart, these are just figures and another doctor in the hopsital was quite cross that she was told by a colleague 18 months , she said “no one can say that”.
Hugs,
Christine xx
Thank you so much all of you for the kind responses, I’m sorry if my original post was upsetting for any of you as it was a bit of an outpouring of emotion and I’m afraid I don’t know much myself about bone mets so I was going from what my mum had told me of what the doctors told her, but I have heard that they tend to be pessimistic when giving the approximate amount of time. She also said that they said they can’t cure it and can only slow it down.
I just don’t know how I’m going to get on with things knowing that while I’m at uni is time away from her and not seeing her 
Returning the virtual hugs and with best wishes to those of you fighting cancer.
Hi sabrina
I have a daughter at uni too, I have BC but it is early, however my son also has a serious brain tumour.
I feel for you as we are very close and i feel that this has been awful for her i wish you two could share some of your emotional pain
on a practical note i persuaded her to go to student counselling and they are great they are helping her to make plans to enable her to manage her work and they helped her get mitigating circumstances after our Gp sent a letter this meant that she was able to take a little time off at the most difficult moments
its very tough for you both
one day at a time
thinking of you love poppy
Hi Sabrina, yes your Mum is correct in that bone mets can’t be cured but they can be slowed down, often very, very effectively. I was diagnosed with bone mets just over 8 years ago. My bones are now in better shape than they were in 2003. All my secondary bone mets show as ‘healing’ on CT scans and I have had no new areas of bone involvement for years now. There are many good treatments for bone mets along with bisphosphonates which strengthen the bones.
Take Care…xx
Hi Sabrina,
2 points to make.
Firstly although I have primary cancer not secondaries, I have a daughter the same age as you. And the one thing i wanted from diagnosis onwards was normality. If my daughter stopped doing things to be with me when she could be living her own life - I would be mortified -and felt so guilty. So shar your life with your mum - tell her silly tales over the phone, or by text - but dont whatever you do give up uni - I know she would hate that.
Secondly, Im a welfare support officer at a university - so if you need any practical help - re extensions,mits etc - just PM me and i can help you.
Stay strong lovely young woman - and overdose mum on hugs this weekend!!!
kaj
xxx
What Poppy and kaj said - make full use of the uni support systems to look after you. Enjoy the weekend, then go back and enjoy your own life. Make chocolate brownies together if that’s your thing. leave some there for monday and take the rest back to share with your flat/hall-mates. Maybe suggest a trip together for the summer holiday, if you will have time? It is good to have nice targets to look forward to, not just feel you are running from one doctor’s appointment to the next. It also helps you both believe there will be a summer, however bleak it looks now.
And if she can’t do it already, do teach your mum to Skype and to use an internet forum! She won’t be good at taking in anything new at the moment; fear trauma and stress makes learning extra-hard, so write it all down (yes, even the password! or use something really REALLY obvious like Sabrina123 or her own name) get it all up and running for her, maybe use helpful boyfriend as the other end of a call with you to demonstrate if need be, it’s much easier to learn by watching. Then you can keep in touch much easier and actually *see* how she’s doing. (although she will also then see the state of your room, LOL!)
wishing you all the very best
This is such a downer at present but it will pass as mum becomes accustomed to her new role, it is worse than the first initial diagnosis, because after all you have been through the wretched thing has reared it’s ugly head again. Trust in her body has been lost but she will take everything she can to get the best outcomes.
She must be very proud if you, what Mum wouldn’t be. Do try for some Councelling and please please continue your studies. It is what she wants, and you don’t want to let her down or cause more anxiety.
I hope you took the advice to ring the Helpline. They have such a calming effect on all of us who ring in a twitch.
Big Hug
Cackles
Dear Sabrina
I’m really sorry about your mum, and know the shock, devastation and total disbelief you must be feeling. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer spread to bones in may last year just a few months after my grandfather died of stomach cancer, and I felt like my world had ended and there was no point having any hope in anything anymore. The shock takes time to sink in but please don’t think your mum’s situation is a closed case because as many others have said your mum could have far far longer than the ropey statistics given on websites. It’s not been easy at times, but I can honestly say I’ve had such fun and great times with my mum since her diagnosis, and although we have been made painfully aware that life can be precarious (for anyone), we don’t live in the shadow of cancer or death. Feeling angry/devastated/scared etc are all normal and please dont feel like youre on your own in feeling like this. You will have your bad/fearful moments, but hope and love go a looonngg way in enjoying time with your mum
Take care of yourself xx
Jjt, what a lovely post! best wishes to all xxx
Hi there. My Mum had secondary breast cancer diagnosed 7 years ago in the bones after being in remission from breast cancer 8 years previous. My mum has stayed positive. Even though they say Terminal, fight together as a family, mu mum is defeating the odds they gave her, she has her bad days, but still has a good life and doesn’t let it stop her, please don’t waste your time being angry or scared, put all you energy into supporting her and being positive for her, I know exactly how you feel, it’s not going to be easy and you will sit alone a cry quite alot, there are people out there to talk to, use them it does help. All my love and best wishes to you and your family xx
Sabrina,my son was in his first year at University when I was diagnosed with secondary BC (bone metastases). He was so shocked and scared that he failed hiw first year. Fortunately thoug, hmy son was able to confide in his personal tutor, and the Uni allowed him to repeat the year free of charge.
Like others have said, nobody can predict how long your mum will live. If she has a slow growing cancer which stays in the bone, and responds well to treatment she could be around for many, many years.
What I would suggest is that you tell your Personal Tutor what is going on with your mum, because they can arrange support/counselling for you, should you want it - and if by chance your work suffers, they will know there are extenuating circumstances.
Hi Sabrina
I really feel for you and your mum, and i can’t comment about secondaries, but you have had plenty of excellent advise re this already
i’m speaking as a mum, your mum would not want you to feel guilty about going back to uni, the best thing for her is to see you doing well and enjoying yourself. You’re bound to be worried and upset, but whilst you’re away, just keep in daily contact, even if its a quick text message, not nessarily a phone call even day
My daughter is 18 and wanted to keep missing college to come with me to chemo and other appoints, but the last thing i wanted was for her to fail her course when she had already worked so hard. As someone else mentioned, it might be a good idea to let your personal tutor know what is going on so that they can support you
i’m sure your mother is already proud of you, (we always are) make her even prouder xx
Hi Sabrina
Another Mum here, with bone mets as well. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and my youngest daughter was looking at universities. I went though my treatment and packed her off The following September, to Paris! My one wish during this time of uncertainty was that she HAD to go to university, I wanted her to be more independent (in case I popped my clogs whilst she was away) and to fulfil her dreams. I was sad to see her go, what Mum isn’t? But she graduates this year and I am so pleased for us both, me for still being here and feeling great and her for getting on with her life. There will be lows at times and you will be feeling especially vunerable right now but forget about the prognosis the oncologist gave, as the others have said they are statistics rather than actual figures for your Mum, and mainly out of date. Wishing you all the best to you and your Mum. If she’d like to join us on the Bone Mets thread she’d be very welcome, we’re a friendly bunch and there’s over 100 of us on there, according to Dawnhc 
Nicky x