I just need a rant, and I know this is the place to do it. Just over 2 years ago I was dx with bc I was 40 when I was dx.- I was one of the luckier ones with grade 1, required WLE and rads and tamoxifen but thankfully no chemo … have just had my 2 year check-up and all is going accoridng to plan … tamoxifen even has been fairly kind to me, no mood swings, no weight gain, not even any hot flushes or night sweats … all in all I’ve been, as I say, one of the luckier ones.
Now, my Mam has been dx, we haven’t got all her facts and figures as yet, but we know her tumour is 9mm (about half the size mine was) and it is very early stages so they are saying grade 1. She has to meet with the surgeon this week to arrange a surgery date - BCN says the game plan is most likely WLE (possibly node sampling but may not be necessary) followed by rads but she would be highly surprise if they even mention chemo … at this stage they cannot say one way or the other whether she will need hormone treatment. My Mam will be 65 on Wednesday and they say her age goes in her favour as ‘older ladies’ tend to have less aggressive cancers.
I live 200 miles away from my parents and I feel like I am at the other end of the world, I just want to be there and make it all better, but with one thing and another it’s not as simple as that.
I know all the facts and the figures and how good the chances are given the time of dx and all the other factors that come in to it … but she’s my Mam and I hate the idea of her having to go through what I went through. I take some comfort from the fact that I can talk her through it, I can answer all the silly little questions that you don’t want to speak to the BCN about, I can give her the real life tips on what to do for what, but at the same time I know the pain and the suffering she is going to have to go through and I can’t do anything about it.
As for me, 2 years ago this was our 1st real encounter with cancer (my Mam’s Mam had bc many years back but my Mam was a kid and it was in the times where cancer was not discussed and only mentioned in that sort of Les Dawson over teh garden fence kind of whisper) … when I was dx everyone was so shocked and scared and I was the one who was being strong and practical and logical … now with Mam’s dx I am the one who everyone is looking to for guidance and reassurance and although I am quite capable of speaking to them all on the phone and emphasising the positive when I am alone and awake at 3am in the morning and the whole world is snoring (tamoxifen may be fairly kind to me but it has knackered my sleeping) I find myself getting really down, I am thinking stupid things and looking years down the line, asking myself what does this mean for my grand-daughter … hell she is 9 months old and I am imagining her with a double mastectomy at the age of 30, stupid I know but you know how the mind runs away with itself.
On the up side, I’ve gone in to frenzied mode and my kitchen cupboards are shining and organised, the carpets have been hoovered to within an inch of their life and you won’t find a cleaner bath than my one!
Feel much better now that I have bashed it all out on the keyboard, the great thing about this site is you can just spill your guts and not have to worry about upsetting your nearest and dearest.