2.5 years on and still not myself

I finished treatment in spring of 2005. Since then I feel I have not really recovered at all emotionally. I have had treatment for depression which was not really successful and am still very lacking in confidence and, perversely, very impatient and short with people I meet. Haven’t slept with my husband for over a year now and fear he will meet someone else but wouldn’t blame him if he left me.

I had to stop work last summer due to fatigue and have not worked since. I do realise I’m lucky not to have to! I just wonder if this will ever go and I will be back to what passes as normal for me, or if I’m just destined to be a miserable cow until I die. Sometimes I feel so low I almost wish the BC would come back so I can bow out gracefully. Sorry if that shocks anyone.

I feel so rotten I don’t even care what sort of reaction this gets! Just feel like disappearing.
Sue

Dear Sue,

I’m really sorry to hear you’re feeling so low.

I was diagnosed Sept 2004 and also finished treatment Spring 2005. I can understand some of what you describe as I have had recurrent depression for many years before breast cancer. I am currently well though still on antidepressants and planning to stay on them for quite some time.

You sound really depressed to me and I think you need to go back to your GP and explain how you are feeling. Even if previous treatments for depression didn’t work there will be something that will help you. I don’t know if you’d had any counselling but perhaps that might help with some of the issues around breast cancer?

If you’re not happy with your GP perhaps you could try a different GP in the same practice or even change practices. Or ask to be referred to a Pyschiatrist. Or seek counselling and support through your breast care nurse or hospital.

I feel very sad for you with your last sentence of ‘just feel like disappearing’. I have felt like that too in the past and I think it is a sign of depression which needs treatment.

Hope this is of some help. Let us know how you are.

Rowena

Hi Sue

You are not shocking anyone with the way you feel.

Please go back to your GP as it does sound as it you are suffering from depression again and need help. Also, as Rowena says ask for some counselling or support from the hospital.

Although I have returned to work and feel okay, sometimes I find still myself impatient and short with people. Sometimes they just sound so petty! Once again please ask for some help.

Let us know how you get on

Love and take care
Thistle

Dear Sue

I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low at the moment. Please feel free to contact our confidential freephone helpline for a talk to one of our specialist nurses who can offer you support, a ‘listening ear’ and information about where you can find further help.

The number is 0808 800 6000 and is open Saturday 9am-2pm and Monday to Friday 9am-5pm.

Kind regards
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Posted on behalf of Sam

Kind regards
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Woah Sue

You have it bad, you poor thing.

What treatment for depression did you have?

I really think you need to speak to someone quick. I understand and empathise with what you are saying but you seem in such a downward spiral that you can’t see the wood for the trees and your crying out for help.

Not sure what else I can say but I’ve lived with depression with my Mum for years when I was a teenage and suffered some myself so If you want to chat personally please just ask

Things will get better if you let it

Sam

xx

Dear Sue,

I understand completely where you are coming from. I feel exactly the same and have tried to cope myself although having been offfered Anti-depressants by my doctor I have so far delcined as I feel this is something I need to sort out. Maybe I am wrong in doing so!! I know so many people who have been helped with anti-depressants. I feel like every day is a trial but then I get one day that is better that other days and this helps. Maybe feeling better is such a gradual process?.

I sometimes feel as you do that things get so bad I wish BC would just come back and that would be an end to it. The problem is that I can’t talk to my family as they want everything to be back to normal and all need me but sometimes I feel I am just hanging on for them. I know as I am writing that these are irrational thoughts but have sunk to such low depths that cant see past them at times.

I had secondaries in March 2006 and finshed treatment this year in February. It has been such a shock to my system and now I am on Arimidex and experiencing severe joint pain, and also have signs of lymphoedema in my arm which is another blow to my confidence. I do not undress in front of my husband, I no longer feel feminine and attractive and we are more like brother and sister these days. This disease leaves both physical and emotional scars. Having said all that I know that there is more to life that just how we look but I am struggling at times to realise that, I have thrown myself into my job and this is the only thing that helps, it keeps me so busy and I dont give myself time to think. Maybe this is coping or is it just burying my head in the sand?? It is my coping mechanism anyway. I had a depressive mother and keep remembering how it was to live with her and I actually think that helps my current situation and gives me a jolt of “how not to be”.

I do think that things will improve for us both in time, I really do, and you must hang on to that thought too.
Maddie X

Thanks for all your words of support. I’ve only just now felt able to reply. Doc prescribed some antidepressants called Citalopram so I will take first one tonight and see what happens. the list of possible side effect is horrible but I can’t feel worse than I do now.

Sam, I did not rin helpline as I can barely string a sentence together, am much better on a keyboard!

Thanks again for the support, it’s nice to know total strangers care and empathise, more than my husband does.

Hi Sue, i was diagnosed just over three months ago, now, three operations later, well, some days i really can’t be doing with people, i know exactly what you mean when you say your short tempered, i run on such a short fuse at times that i shock myself, i find i am more likely to push people away rather than let them help me, my poor hubby has the patience of jobe, and i’m sure yours does to, i can’t see me feeling any different in the near future, i really do think that this is something we all go through, but some in more severe ways than others. really hope you see some sunlight very soon

lots of love

Alisonxxxxxxxxxxxx

Suebue

I have used Citrolpram and found it great…it just seems to take the rough edges off - trivial things are water of a ducks back.

When I was at my worst I felt my husband didn’t care but he just didnt know what to for the best and we nearly spilt up. Once the pills kicked in (2weeks usually) things got infinately better. At the beginning I really resented him and felt ‘why should I take drugs just so he can understand?’ but something had to change, I had to change - with or without him I wanted to feel happy again.

Good luck SueBee

Sam B

Thanks Sam, I feel a bit woolly headed today but have to wait for the meds to work properly. Doc told me to take them in the morning but I read a few website forums where people felt very drowsy so I took mine at night and am quite glad I did. When did you take yours?

I agree I don’t think husbands know what to say or how to deal with it, after all they are not medics. As long as mine sticks around I hope we’ll be OK. We managed a trip to Milton Keynes yesterday and you need tenacity and energy for that!

I know what Maddie meant when she said people just want you to be back to ‘normal’ whatever the hell that is. they don’t understand things can’t ever be normal again. i see my oncologist tomorrow for my 6-month check up but am not too worried. At least not till I get there…

To be honest SueBee I took them when I remembered! But hey they worked!

Good luck at the onc’s

Sam B

hi , i posted on here last week , i was dx in feb with bone and liver mets and have never really got used to it. the last few weeks have been the worst of my life , some days better than others . i would say last week was my lowest where i simply found just getting up a struggle . the main reason is my tumour markers rising after i had such a great run with chemo . they have started to rise soon after chemo after starting aromasin. i have been told my many people it could just be a tumour flare or something and not to trust markers but in my head its progression and that is that . i am a little better the last couple of days as i have started some new anti depressents , thank god as to go on feeling like i was is no quality of life . couldnt eat , sleep , cook clean etc . i know its still early days and i guess i will go into that dark place again but i hope not too soon as it was so dreadfull for me and my family .
i am still terrified of this disease and i know when its time for markers again i will go to bits . as far as people are concerned i have patience sometimes and not others . its such a huge rollarcoaster and one myself and all of us never wanted or thought we would be on .

Poor Tracy, I feel so petty fretting about being depressed when you are going thru this. I am not familiar with tumour marker info but it sounds pretty gruesome. I do understand bone and liver mets can be controlled for years with medication so maybe things are not as grim as they might seem - ha what do I know. Of course you don’t get used to it, you just soldier on, that’s all any of us can do. Look at Jane Tomlinson, they gave her 6 months back in 2000! She went on to marathons etc. I guess it was her way of dealing with it. Not for me it wouldn’t be. Very best wishes to you for the future.

Dear Sue,
Just wondered how you were feeling and how you were getting on with the citalopram? Hope you are beginning to feel better.
Best wishes,
Rowena