After two weeks of HELL, and reading all the posts on here over and over I feel the need to post. I dont know why tonight, maybe I’m looking for distraction ( definitely not sympathy). Two weeks ago I was merrily skipping round the breast cancer centre getting a lump checked out, feeling empathy for the poor souls who clearly had it, safe (and dissolusioned) in the knowledge that mine was benign, when the ultrasound woman told me the HUGE lump on the screen looked like cancer. And “oh look your lymph is weird too”.
I was catapulted into the weird, terrified hellhole that you must all know so well, and vaguely remember them using huge metal-sprung biopsy syringes, drs telling me they were sure it was cancer, a lovely nurse holding my hand, my husband arriving and crumpling inwards like a sucked in paper bag, and resting my head on my poor sisters pregnant belly whilst she sobbed.
Tomorrow mark’s the end of a LOOOONG two week wait for biopsy and mri results. I wont know for another week if it has spread (ct results)
During my ‘highs’ I have been visualising, meditating, doing a lot of yoga, walking, loving and counting my (many) blessings. My lows have far outweighed and …I have two young children… have been very dark.
You know when u REALLY need a wee, and you can hold it till you are in sight of the loo? Well, I feel like that now I am in sight of my results. I’m not sure I can hold it together.
Please send me your strength. And I could probably do with a few hugs too.
I was just looking at the Forum before going to bed and saw your heartfelt plea and had to reply. I don’t have a magic answer but just was remembering how I felt more able to manage when I knew what I was dealing with and what the plan would be for treatments. Before that I had been imagining the worst of worst outcomes. Getting the results steadied me and I was able to focus on the different stages of treatment. For me this has been hormone tablets, lumpectomy and am due to start radiotherapy in a couple of weeks. It’s a step by step journey with quite a lot of waiting and worrying in between. All you can do is look after yourself as well as you can, accept support from those who are dear to you and take things day by day. You will get through this. Take care.
Purple trunks,what a great name,it shows you are a person with a big personality,a person who can cope with anything and you will,with the help of this site.I too was sure my biopsy would come back benign,but it was not to be,Off course I was in shock,then after seeing the consultant being told that the results were malignant and would need a mastectomy.Eventually it sunk in thinking how lucky I was just to have my breast removed.I had to go for a C,T before the surgery then back to see the consultant about having surgery or so I thought.Again I was very blasé and getting used to the idea of having a mastectomy.Wrong again,the cancer had spread to my spine and lungs,devastated was an understatement.So now I’m having a PET SCAN on Thursday and seeing the Oncologist tomorrow about having chemo!.I couldn’t stop crying at the slightest mention but am slowly coming to terms with it,which you will,also my GP has put me on antidepressants which seem to be helping.
I also had breast cancer in 2002,I had the lump and some lymph glands removed,radiotherapy and Tamoxifen for 5 years then given the all clear.Hope your results are good news,but if not try to keep optimistic as the treatment nowadays seem to be working for some.Chin up girl ?
I am in exactly the same boat as you … just two weeks behind. I found out yesterday that it looks like I have breast cancer after finding a huge lump and being told yesterday that I have two dodgy lymph nodes. I am petrified of what they are going to find next. I have no answers to this. We’re on this crazy ride and I want to get off!! I’m here if you want to chat. Xx
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my diagnosis. The diagnosis is a huge blow (like you - and my consultant - I thought I had nothing to worry about) and unfortunately you are now on an emotional rollercoaster, except it’s not one with a set track. It could lead off in all sorts of unexpected directions, not all bad. It also doesn’t come neatly packaged, it’s built on week by week, which is very frustrating.
Thinking back, the one thing that kept me going (apart from sheer necessity) was trust. The people who work in this field generally know what they are doing (even when you want to punch them for equivocating or daring to disagree about your symptoms), have a lot of experience in how bc cells can behave and they leave no routes unexplored. A lot of your tests will probably come back negative but the oncology team have to know exactly what they are working with in order to come up with the best treatment programme. Your year ahead will be peppered with what feel like interminable waits, filled with uncertainty and discomfort, but you have a strong support network around you. The fact that you can even identify a high phase is excellent news and will be very helpful - I just numbed out (actually, it worked for me).
A useful thing I learnt - let go. Let your husband and family/friends take over the childcare and running the household. You’ll need all your resources to recover from your treatment. And don’t feel bad for causing them distress. They are adults and can deal with their own emotions - you have enough on your plate dealing with your own.
Good luck with whatever lies ahead. It’s not all bad and remember, what you read on here is often worst-case scenario - the people who sail through don’t often post.
Thank you for sharing, Purpletrunks. Yes, we certainly need strength to cope with all that is thrown at us once the diagnosis is made. The waiting for results is unimaginable- and then there’s always something else- the next test! We know you are not asking for ‘sympathy’ but I like to substitute the word ‘kindness’ and although a much older lady I have been grateful for the kindness shown to me on the forum. I am amazed at how you Mums with children manage all your responsibilities.
Thinking of you, sending hugs and kindness. Let us know how you go on.
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