Hi people,
Here I am again posting in a depressed heap. Just had 2nd FEC 6 days ago and so down last 2 days. Not helped by call from a hospital receptionist telling me I had to book for another biopsy as they found another very small lump from MRi scan. So scared and so cross…why not a doc phoning? Feeling doomed again, as have large nasty, HER2 and now another lump in breast. Hard to stay positive like they tell you to. Feel stupid for hoping I can get through this. Feel like if I dare to hope…I’ll get punished with more stuff. Stupid thoughts I know. Hair falling out too even though suffered cold cap. Also don’t know whether to give up my short term work contract I had after Christmas. (Meant to be start of my new glittering career change) Start Tax (?) then and don’t know if I can be bothered to try to work too. Hubbie says good for me, but it seems like hassle with surgery looming etc. One more thing to worry about…but money is helpful as had spent lots recently…before BC!
All this and my little 3 year old is singing Jingle Bells and getting excited about Santa. Looking at his lovely little face makes me want to cry buckets.
Thanks for putting up with me. Helps to write. GXX
Gemdancer,
Please don’t feel guilty about not being positive, that would not be a normal reaction in the circumstances. When are you booked for the biopsy? How insensitive that you were told by the receptionist over the phone!
Are you scheduled to have a WLE or mastectomy? At least the FEC will be working on the new lump at the same time as it kills the rest of your cancer, the lump has been found and can be dealt with if it does turn out to be cancer.
I didn’t have the cold cap because the onc said 50% of people have total hair loss with it, I’d be bloody fed up if I had it and still ost my hair, at least you can choose not to have it next time if it’s not making a difference. Hate being bald though.
What is your new job after Christmas? Is it something you really want to do? It might be an added pressure? I am not at work and won’t go back until after chemo though I know some people do work through it.
Irina xx
Hi Gemdancer
So sorry you are having such a rotten time. I went through similar this time last year. I knew i had a very large tumour in right breast (Had been misdiagnosed earlier in the year and the lump had grown very big by the time it was eventually confirmed!) Anyway when my MRI results came back it showed up 2 very small ‘suspicious areas’ in the other breast… I was terrified but in the end biopsies showed that it was just normal breast tissue! Hope yours turns out to be the same. Good Luck
Smiler
x
Hi Gemdancer,
Don’t apologise for having a moan, we all do it and it helps to get it all out. Just to let you know I’ve had 3 FEC due No4 next monday and I had cold cap too. I found that I lost some hair after FEC2 my parting sort of widened a bit although no one else seemed to notice. The loss did slow down after about 10 days and after FEC3 didn’t lose any so if it’s not too horrendous for you I’d say stick with it.
It is hard to keep positive and stay happy and smiley when really you just want to scream and shout. You will get through it, it’ll just be harder some times than others.
Caz xx
Thanks girls. It just helps to talk doesn’t it. Might start a thread about working to see what other girls do. Part of me wants to carry on as normal and part of me wants some time out, although I know i will lose my contract. I’m not scheduled for surgery at the moment…but I guess it will be Feb/March time. They haven’t spoken to me about it. One day at a time etc etc… I find having chemo first hard, although I get why totally. You live with the nasty for a lot longer than you want to. I still want to cut it out and I get worried it’s still growing. Just find myself getting so damn angry. I keep looking at other Mums at playgroup and thinking evil thoughts which isn’t nice. Just want to be a normal Mum and worry about the price of beans etc…
Gxx
Hi Gemdancer
I know how you feel, my 5 year old is so exited about Christmas and all i can worry about is my tumour getting bigger. I should be on my last 2 chemo sessions now but my AC & taxotere have failed to shrink my tumour. It is 10cm + now. I now have 3 nodes involved its inflammatory and i am triple negative which means the chemo should be killing off my cancer, but its not as yet.
I have had a second opinion at The Marsden in London and they suggested i try 2 chemo drugs but given as one. Well i had the new chemo on Friday and have another one this Friday and then start all over again on boxing day… I just hope it starts to work for me this time.
I too want to get back to being a normal mum and doing the things mums do… i miss that.
I am sure we will all get there in the end. Positive thoughts and all that…
Thinking of you
Shell
xxxx
Hi Shell,
It’s so hard isn’t it. Feel like I’m singing Jingle Bells through gritted teeth. I love Christmas too. All the glitter and tinsel and excuse for sparkles everywhere. Keep seeing adverts for party dresses and that makes me evil too. Might just buy one and prance around in my wig at home!! Worst of all… (!!!) I won’t even be slinging back the wine on Christmas day!!! Hoping to get a sprout down me if I can…!!!
I was obsessed with stats etc, but I now realise that we are all such individuals with this disease and in many ways there is no point. You just don’t know and that’s what I find so hard. Could reduce…might not. Could recurr…might not. Could respond to herceptin…might not. So hard not to have any control. Do I act as if this is my last Christmas or get all strong and plan for next year. Do I write lovely letters to my son for when he’s older or do I plan to be around!! Just don’t know how I’m meant to behave.
The treatment feels so haphazard sometimes. Hospital here seems OK, apart from receptionist blip above. I’m in Oxford and happy that we didn’t go ahead with our plans to move away from the area this year. Where are you?? Didn’t realise you could go to different hospitals with second opinions…is that private? Also - how do you know which nodes involved? My lot say they won’t know until surgery, but expect to see positive nodes because of size. Have they scheduled surgery for you yet? I’m so sorry you’ve been through all the chemo and it hasn’t done anything. Crap! But good that they are trying something new?? You sound so strong though. Do you have days when you’re able to not think about it and get on with stuff?
Gailx
Hi Gail
I don’t think anybody knows just how to behave,one minute I’m happy to be alive the next I’m thinking i will be dead by next Christmas. I live in Lincolnshire, i am 37 and have 3 boys 13, 10 and 5…
we have booked our next holiday to Egypt in Sept so that is our next goal…
I can never stop thinking about my tumour, because its so large and painful, it keeps stabbing me every now and then just to let me know its still here It gets soooo hot too.I could scratch it off at times.
I went to see my GP and asked for a referral to The Marsden, it was done on the NHS. I wasn’t happy about not having any more chemo options so i decided on a second opinion at a dedicated cancer hospital, lots of the ladies on here have been.
The professor suggested the new chemo i am on now, if he hadn’t i would be having rads then surgery which i wasn’t happy about because rads carries lots of risks before surgery.I am hoping this works, if not surgery will take place as rads probably wont treat my cancer. I am triple negative so my cancer should respond to chemo.!!! Herceptin is not an option for me…
I was dx in Aug 08 with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, grade 3 aggressive. It has now become Inflammatory BC and my tumour has gone from 4cm to 10cm. I was told i was triple negative after my 3rd biopsy.I have 3 cancerous nodes that they can see as they are 2/3cm each. There are about 20 or so nodes in each arm pit i think.
I don’t know when i will have surgery but if the tumour doesn’t shrink i will be left with cancer cells behind after the op.
Thinking of you.
Shell
(((hugs)))
Hi ,
Lovely Lincolnshire!! Haven’t been for yonks, since inlaws moved from Lincoln. Now more time spent visiting Norfolk. So much sky in that part of the world. Lovely!
I remember one of the things I read about BC originally was that it didn’t hurt and my nasty has always been really sore etc. I think that was one of the reasons I left sorting it out for so long. Sounds like you have been really in the wars and a holiday in Egypt sounds wonderful. I’ve always wanted to go. Hope you get the chance to see or try some bellydancing while you’re there… very good for the soul!!! I
How wonderful to have 3 boys surrounding you. My little monster is a boy. I stated late (I’m 42 I think…hard to remember…had a birthday in chemo fog), and now he will be my only, but he more than makes up for it. He is so cuddly and loving.
I am keeping everything crossed for you… !!!
Gailxx