Hi all
this is my first post here, and Id just like to apologise in advance for its negative nature but its how Im feeling. I lost my mum 3 years ago aged 66 to breast cancer. Yeah my parents worked so hard their entire lives and their reward for that and sticking to the marriage vows was her being taken a couple of months after retirement age. She had it intially in 1997 and after going through the masectomy and recostruction seemed to recover well. Then in 2005 it came back with a vengeance, but this time it was even sneakier than it had been before, ensuring there were no physical symptoms until it had already metastised to her stomach. She went through a very difficult time before passing away in 2007. I feel very very low, have lost all faith in life and just dont want to wake up anymore. I thought I had an idea about cancer, that if you smoked you increased youre risk of lung cancer, but what IS this dispicable thing that can attack someone like my mum out of the blue, who ticked every conceivable fitness box?!!! She ate well, exercised well with lots of fresh air, didnt drink or smoke and looked after herself in every possible way. She was my rock, with an incredible inner stregnth that I admire so much. She was a giver in life helping other women going through breast cancer after her. Why is it always the good that get taken? I thought life’s motto was “survival of the fittest?” My mum was as fit as anyone I know, she looked and acted 15 years younger and never even got a cold. Her mother, my grandmother who much as I loved her was overweight and didnt really take care of herself had to help us bury her and passed away aged 91. Maybe we really are here to suffer and people who ease that burden are taken out of the equation. I have friends who are more concerned about how much inheritance they will receive when their parents go, yet they still have both parents. Ironic. When somebody is murdered motive is top of the questions asked, well I NEED lifes motive for this horrible disease, that rips families apart and leaves children much younger than me motherless. Ive tried everything from councelling to hypnotherapy and as one of the therapists said, “I cant help you anymore because I cant bring her back”. Nothing changes the fact shes gone, Ive tried adjusting but Ive come to realise sometimes wounds will never heal. I feel manipulated by life. I feel life is selfish, that it is only concerned with the continuity of the whole, with no regard for the individuals who make up that whole. It bestoyed love on us to bind parent to child so that the child had the best chance of survival, with no real concern for the hurt it would cause when the parent or child died. Life can be so wonderful and resourceful, surely it could have come up with a better less distressing way to bring a relationship to a close. I dont know, so many questions, never an answer. The not knowing why is driving me into the ground, killing me slowly I know it, but Im so stubburn Id rather die than accept there is no reason. I know other people are going through the same thing, but for me personally what sort of person would I be if I took confort from somebody elses suffering? So that coping strategy doesnt help. All I ask is that nobody offers the “what would youre mum tell you to do if she were here”. She isnt here, and the way Im feeling Im not sure she wouldnt just say youve suffered enough, come to me.